Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the games they came from, which are Final Fantasy VII and Final Fantasy VIII. The story and the idea came from me. Please don't take them without my permission. Also, I'm not sure whose idea it was for Cid to like The Dukes of Hazzard, but it wasn't mine. Random characters like Sally the facialist are of my own invention.
Author's Notes: I wrote this story a long time ago, and it shows. It's the first part of a series, and the series gets better as it goes along. Also, it's worth a mention that this story and all of its sisters wouldn't exist without my sister. Thanks! Oh, right, and anything in colons ::like this:: means thoughts.
Fujin's Night Out
It is a Friday night, around seven PM. Selphie is waiting around, alone, in the lobby. She's wearing a blue tank top and miniskirt patterned with multicolored flowers and a big pair of boots. Irvine comes in, holding an empty bowl in one hand. He's missing his hat and is walking around in a pair of socks with the little red stripes across the toes.
IRVINE: Hey, Selphie...that's a really interesting outfit.
SELPHIE: (notices him for the first time) It's new. I found the flower power, man! (she does the peace sign, then giggles, while Irvine looks on, getting curious.)
IRVINE: Hey, what are you doing out here, anyway? We're all watching TV. (black scowl) Squall made me go to refill the chip bowl.
SELPHIE: Oh, well, remember the FFVII girls? Well, they saw Fujin last weekend when she was wearing that...that--thing that she said Raijin helped her pick out. So Tifa took pity on her and made her come shopping with us. So all of us girls are going out tonight.
IRVINE: Oh, hehe. I remember Tifa. About this tall, with brown hair? Likes to hit people and owns a bar?
SELPHIE: (glaring) She's taken.
IRVINE: (coughs) I know, I know...waitaminute--Fujin? Shopping? With all you girls?
SELPHIE: (mocking) Tifa says it'll be fun. Me, I'm keeping the nunchaku in my purse. (holds up a large, oddly-shaped, bright blue bag with magenta triangles on it. At Irvine's look, she explains) This was the smallest bag I could find that would hold them.
IRVINE: (looks alarmed) I'm gonna...go...chips...Squall made me. (he gestures towards the kitchen mindlessly for a minute while Selphie is holding up her bag, then runs off.)
At that moment, Quistis and Rinoa come down the stairs together. Quistis is wearing a knee-length hunter green skirt with a matching vest and a white long-sleeved shirt. Rinoa is wearing a pair of jeans and a pink tank top with little purple flowers on it.
RINOA: (excited) Hey, Selphie. You ready to shop all night?
SELPHIE: More like fight all night. I can't believe you guys talked me into this. I could be watching Mystery Men on pay per view with the guys in there. (gestures towards room where Squall, Zell, and other guys are) You know it's just gonna be like just a way for Seifer to take a jab at us again.
RINOA: (holds up a pink purse that is oddly bulging in places and is just big enough to hold her weapon) You're bringing your weapons, too?
QUISTIS: I talked about this with Tifa, and we FFVIII girls think that it's best to be prepared, no matter the circumstances. (to herself) And MY weapon fits handily in a pocket. No tacky purses for me.
RINOA: Yeah, prepared is the best thing to be. You never know when Seifer will spring another trap on us. It could happen at any moment.
Then Ellone comes down the stairs, wearing a turquoise T-shirt with a black CK logo across the chest and white capri pants.
ELLONE: Hi, guys! I'm so excited. I've never been shopping with anyone except my mother and Uncle Laguna before. And I can't wait for the ball tomorrow night. This is the first time I've been allowed to go to a ball.
QUISTIS: (elbowing Selphie, who burst into giggles at the thought of Laguna helping Ellone pick out clothing.) We're just going to have fun.
RINOA: (with a large, fake smile) Yeah, fun!
ELLONE: Raine couldn't come. She said to tell you she's sorry, but she already has an outfit for the ball tomorrow night.
RINOA: (rolls her eyes and says nothing, but picturing the outfit Raine probably picked: jeans, a turtleneck, and a blazer to go over it)
ELLONE: (continues) Besides, she said that Fujin makes her edgy.
SELPHIE: (under her breath) No kidding.
There is a bright flash of light, and the FFVII crew comes in out of nowhere. The guys are all wearing their normal clothes. Tifa is wearing a black miniskirt and a teeny silver top, and huge silver hoop earrings. Aeris is wearing a long pastel skirt and a sweater-and-shell twinset in pale blue with little pink butterflies embroidered on the shoulders. Yuffie is wearing a pair of cargo pants in khaki and a purple T-shirt that reads, "Midgar Tigers." They are all wearing their trusty and ever-stylish combat boots. There is a short, uncomfortable silence in which everyone sort of glares at everyone else suspiciously.
ELLONE: Hi, everyone!
CLOUD: ahem.
CID: (coughs.)
Vincent stands around lurking in the few shadows there are, and Barret says nothing
QUISTIS: (sighs and points towards the media room.) They're in there. (the FFVII guys blur away.)
TIFA: (tossing her hair) Hi, guys. Are we ready to shop?
RINOA: We're still waiting on the lucky girl.
TIFA: (confused).............
QUISTIS: ...Fujin?
TIFA: Oh, right, her! (shudders in memory of the outfit Fujin had been wearing: a vest and jeans) ...Well, then. I guess we'll just have to wait for her!
There is a short silence. Selphie is staring suspiciously at Yuffie, who is wearing the same white hair clip as she is. Yuffie is glaring back at her. The others aren't sure what to say to each other, since they all think that their game is better. Irvine comes in, looking really upset and still hatless and bootless, and the chip bowl is banging against his knees as he walks.
IRVINE: (whining) Quis-tis! We're out of barbecue chips and we're out of soda, and it was your turn to do the shopping today and I reminded you... (trails off when he realizes he's in mixed company. He turns on the charming grin and tries to hide the chip bowl behind his back.) Good evening, ladies.
QUISTIS: (with a disapproving frown) Irvine, you remember Tifa, Aeris, and Yuffie?
IRVINE: (still grinning) How could I forget? (glances nervously at Selphie, expecting to get reprimanded, but Selphie and Yuffie are glaring daggers at each other by now and neither of them has even noticed his entrance.) I trust you're all doing well?
AERIS: Very well, thanks. (clears her throat and glances at Tifa.)
TIFA: (looks Irvine up and down, taking in his hair which needs to be combed, and his little red-striped socks, and the chip bowl that he is unsuccessfully hiding behind his back, and starts snorting from trying not to laugh.)
AERIS: .....and you?
IRVINE: (still grinning) I'm better than I was a moment ago.
QUISTIS: Did you want something, Irvine?
IRVINE: (clears his throat uncomfortably) We're out of chips. And soda. (tries to act cool about it)
QUISTIS: (sighs) Irvine, I told you that Zell practically attacked me when I came home today and ran off with two of the bags of chips.
IRVINE: (frowns, and looks angry and shadowy) Very well, then...carry on. (marches off towards the media room, muttering under his breath about how sorry Zell is going to be)
Another silence. Selphie and Yuffie are still glaring at each other.
ELLONE: I wonder where she is...we told her to be here at seven, didn't we?
RINOA: Yeah...maybe she's going to ambush us.
TIFA: (surprised) Why would she do that?
RINOA: Cause she's Seifer's lackey and she's evil. (under her breath) Duh.
TIFA: (waving her hand, uncaring) Oh, that. Don't worry about it; we hang with the Turks all the time and they're evil too.
All FFVIII girls stare blankly at Tifa, even Selphie.
RINOA: The...Turks?
TIFA: Yeah. The Turks.
Another silence, during which the FFVIII girls continue to stare blankly at Tifa.
AERIS: They work for Shinra.
Quistis, Rinoa, Selphie, and Ellone exchange a glance, and then stare blankly at Aeris.
AERIS: Shinra? The evil company?
RINOA: Ohhhh! Shinra! I remember now!
SELPHIE: (weak laugh) Yeah! Right, the Turks...evil...Shinra.
QUISTIS: (also laughing weakly) How could we forget? How stupid of us! (slaps forehead.)
ELLONE: (says nothing. She's never heard of the Turks or Shinra and is pretty sure that the others haven't either and is wondering what the heck they're trying to pull. She looks warily from Rinoa to Selphie to Quistis.)
Someone knocks on the front door and Quistis runs to get it. It's Fujin, looking kind of embarrassed and is wearing her normal clothes.
FUJIN: HELLO.
QUISTIS: Hi, Fujin. Look, everyone else is already here! Do you know the FFVII girls?
FUJIN: (stares at them for a moment, then says) NEGATIVE.
QUISTIS: That's Aeris, and that's Tifa, and that girl there is Yuffie. Everyone, this is Fujin.
Everyone kind of smiles at Fujin, who looks uncomfortable.
TIFA: Okay! Who wants ice cream?
SELPHIE & YUFFIE: Me! (they both glare at each other once they realize they've both spoken at the same time)
At Seifer's apartment
SEIFER: (excited) I'll finally get my revenge! I've got a whole squad of evil guys to help me get rid of Squall for good! Not to mention all of those Garden freaks...
RAIJIN: Who?
SEIFER: You know, Cid, Quistis, Xu, the other SeeDs...
RAIJIN: No, who did ya find to help out, ya know?
SEIFER: Oh. Some guy named Sephiroth. Turns out he's got a thing against some of the guests who are going to be at the ball tomorrow night, and he arranged a big thing to attack them. He even got lackeys somehow.
RAIJIN: So how many of us are there, ya know?
SEIFER: ........um........... (he starts counting on his fingers.) Nine? I don't know. We'll just play it by ear once we all get together. And then we'll crash the ball and get my revenge! (laughs evilly, then stops abruptly, looking around.) Hey, where's Fujin? I haven't seen her all day. She didn't even bring me my newspaper. You brought it to me.
RAIJIN: Yeah. She said she had to go out, ya know? She said she'd be back in the morning.
SEIFER: Well, good. You brought me the wrong newspaper and you brought it to me too late. I like to read the Esthar Times while I eat breakfast.
RAIJIN: Sorry, Seifer.
SEIFER: Hmph. You'd better be...why did Fujin have to go out? Where did she go? She never does anything without us. Without you, that is...
RAIJIN: Yeah, we're kinda a team, ya know? I dunno where she went. I'd rather not question her motives, ya know? She said something about the ball tomorrow night.
SEIFER: (brightening) Maybe she went to buy some explosives.
At Sephiroth's Hideout
SEPHIROTH: This is great! Everything is going perfect and I'll finally get to kill all those little morons in Cloud's little fan group...(sighs) Well, it's almost perfect.
RENO: Give that back! It's mine!
RUDE: But you said I could have it!
ELENA: Really guys, it's not worth arguing over a stupid little materia.
Reno and Rude are fighting for an unknown materia, Elena is yelling at them, Tseng is sitting around with his head in his hands, and Reeve is cheering them on. Sephiroth is getting a little peeved because every time he starts making plans, something happens that involves a lot of yelling and fighting among the Turks.
SEPHIROTH: (sighs again. His back is to the Turks.)
RENO: (tugs hard on the materia.) Give--it--back, Rude!
RUDE: No! You gave it to me!
RENO: I didn't!
RUDE: You did!
ELENA: Stop fighting guys! Sephiroth wants us to work together and not fight so that we can kill his enemies at the Balamb Garden Ball tomorrow night, isn't that right Sephiroth?
REEVE: Come on, Reno! Show him what you're made of! Hit him harder, Rude!
TSENG: (sighs) Tell me again why we agreed to do this.
SEPHIROTH: Because I need lackeys and I blackmailed you into working with me.
TSENG: Oh. Right.
Sephiroth gives it a few more minutes, and Reno and Rude finally settle down. The Turks sit around and listen to him rant about how happy he is for a while, then he starts to explain the plan.
SEPHIROTH: Okay, listen. I got a guy named Seifer and his two friends to work with us on this because they have a grudge against some of the guys at the Garden and wants to kill them. So anyway, we're going over to their world tomorrow. I've heard that Cloud and his friends are all staying with Seifer's enemies, so that works out quite nicely, don't you think?
There is a short silence.
ELENA: (smiling too brightly) Yeah, it does!
SEPHIROTH: So we're all going to meet in Balamb tomorrow evening. That's right outside the Garden. And then Seifer and his friends will take us inside. Does everyone get it?
RENO: This is so exciting! I haven't been to a party in ages!
ELENA: Hey, yeah! Maybe I should buy a new dress so that I'll look nice when we're crashing the party at Balamb Garden and killing Cloud and his friends at the party with Seifer and his friends. What do you think, Reeve?
REEVE: Yeah, maybe...
At the ice cream store
TIFA: Okay everyone, my bar has been doing great lately, so the tab's on me!
RINOA: Wow! Great! Thanks, Tifa!
AERIS: (steps up to the counter) I want a scoop of vanilla in a sugar cone.
QUISTIS: Give me strawberry in a waffle cone with sprinkles.
RINOA: (getting excited and agitated at the same time) I never know what to pick...what would you suggest, Quistis?
QUISTIS: (busy licking at her ice cream.) Strawberry is always a good flavor.
RINOA: Nah...I'm tired of strawberry.
TIFA: I want a low-sugar, low-fat chocolate-flavored frozen yogurt in a cup. (everyone stares at her) I'm on a diet. (she takes her ice cream from the serving guy)
SELPHIE: Lighten up, Tifa. Girls' night out. Let your hair down.
TIFA: Yeah, well you're all going to be feeling that ice cream in your hips tomorrow. I'm trying to fit into a size six dress.
Quistis and Rinoa start trying not to laugh together. Selphie is impatiently waiting behind Ellone in line, and Yuffie is behind Selphie. Everyone has been trying to include Fujin on their little girly chats but somehow it just isn't working...
ELLONE: Hurry up, Rinoa, the rest of us are hungry too.
RINOA: Fine. Superman. (everyone stares at her, and she blushes) Superman-flavored ice cream, I mean. I've tried almost every other flavor, and I want to know what it tastes like.
SELPHIE: (giggles uncontrollably)
RINOA: (takes her ice cream with dignity and stands next to Quistis) Okay, Fujin, your turn!
FUJIN: (squints up at the ice cream sign) VANILLA.
AERIS: Just plain old vanilla?
FUJIN: (glares at Aeris and decides not to mention the fact that Aeris herself ordered plain old vanilla.)
SELPHIE: Girls' night out, Fujin. Let your hair down.
FUJIN: (runs a hand self-consciously through her hair, and wishes Selphie would stop saying that. She turns to the ice cream guy, who is looking at her expectantly.) VANILLA.
ICE CREAM GUY: Is that all?
FUJIN: (frowns, and glances at Selphie.) SPRINKLES.
Tifa grins and cheers until Fujin glares at her.
ICE CREAM GUY: Do you want that in a cup or a cone?
FUJIN:
ICE CREAM GUY: Well? Which one?
FUJIN: CONE.
ICE CREAM GUY: Waffle or sugar?
FUJIN: SUGAR. (she takes her ice cream and frowns down at it.)
ELLONE: I want a scoop of butter pecan. It's my favorite. Oh, in a cone. A sugar cone. Those are the best. (she takes her ice cream)
SELPHIE: Okay, um...(she squints at ice cream guy's nametag)...Bill. Let's get this straight. I want two scoops of Triple Chocolate Raspberry Swirl Supreme Almond Fudge Delight in a cone. It's my favorite.
YUFFIE: Triple Chocolate Raspberry Swirl Supreme Almond Fudge Delight? That's my favorite flavor too!
They glare suspiciously at each other for a minute while the ice cream guy looks on.
SELPHIE: Really?
YUFFIE: Yeah! Only I like to get it in a cup with extra chocolate sprinkles and also chocolate fudge syrup. Then you don't get extra nutrition. Just the ice cream. And then you can mush it all up and eat it like soup.
SELPHIE: (torn between Yuffie's good idea and having the same thing as Yuffie. She finally shrugs.) Good idea. Hey, Bill. Take it back. I want two scoops of Triple Chocolate Raspberry Swirl Supreme Almond Fudge Delight in a cup with chocolate sprinkles and chocolate fudge sauce.
The ice cream guy glowers. He has to throw away a perfectly good cone that had Triple Chocolate Raspberry Swirl Supreme Almond Fudge Delight on it. (he really hates guys who change their orders at the last minute) He gives Selphie her ice cream, then Yuffie, then all of the girls go and find a table. For a while, they all just concentrate on ice cream.
RINOA: So, Fujin...
Fujin warily looks up from her ice cream.
RINOA: Can you give us any good dirt about Seifer?
FUJIN: DIRT.
QUISTIS: (even though she has a feeling they shouldn't be asking her this.) You know, like, gossipy stuff.
FUJIN: SEIFER.
SELPHIE: Yeah, about Seifer.
TIFA: Which one's Seifer?
RINOA: He's tall, blond, and evil. He has a gunblade like Squall.
TIFA: Okay, I remember him. Go on, Fujin.
FUJIN: NEGATIVE.
QUISTIS: Come on, Fujin...please?
TIFA: Hey, we're taking you shopping, girl. And I bought you ice cream.
FUJIN: (looking like she regrets those sprinkles.) NEGATIVE.
RINOA: Come on, Fujin!
SELPHIE: Not anything? Not even, like, what he sleeps in? (everyone stares at her, and she blushes bright red.)
QUISTIS: You want to know?
SELPHIE: No...so, Fujin. You can't tell us anything?
FUJIN: No! He'll get really angry if he finds out I talked, and...uh oh...I MEAN...oh, crap.
Everyone stares at Fujin.
RINOA: You have a normal voice?
FUJIN: (in a small, ashamed voice) Yes.
AERIS: Don't be sad, Fujin. We won't tell anyone. So...you fake it all the time?
FUJIN: Yes. It sounds better when I talk like that.
TIFA: Well, you can talk normal around us. We don't mind.
RINOA: (nodding enthusiastically) Yeah, you have a pretty voice.
FUJIN: Thanks. I used to sing, but after I went to the Garden, I started talking like that. It sounds really cool, you know? And can you picture the looks on Seifer's and Raijin's faces if they found out? They're my only friends.
QUISTIS: Why did you change your voice like that when you moved to the Garden?
FUJIN: I don't want to talk about it.
SELPHIE: (looking like she's just had a brilliant idea.) We won't push you...if you tell us some embarrassing secrets about Seifer.
FUJIN: Like what?
TIFA: Like what he eats for breakfast.
FUJIN: It varies from day to day. But every morning he can't function properly unless he's had his Kool-aid.
SELPHIE: (can't speak. She's laughing too hard)
RINOA: What??? Kool-aid???
FUJIN: (shrugs) I don't know where he picked up that habit. With some people, they can't function without their coffee in the morning. With Seifer, it's grape Kool-aid in his novelty Fisherman's Horizon mug.
Quistis, Rinoa, Selphie, and Ellone are all laughing so hard they can hardly breathe. Tifa is giggling, and Aeris is trying to picture Seifer. Yuffie is concentrating on her ice cream. Fujin likes the feeling of everyone liking her, so she goes on.
FUJIN: He likes to cook. Most of his bookcase is cookbooks. He cooks his own meals every day. He said that if he hadn't become a sorceress' knight, he would have been a gourmet chef.
Now everyone is laughing.
RINOA: What else?
FUJIN: Um...He'll do absolutely anything for an Oreo ice cream cake, but he also loves brownies with cherries in them.
SELPHIE: Tell us something that's not related to food.
FUJIN: (thinks for a moment while everyone catches their breath.) He has a bunny named Tickles.
Quistis dissolves into giggles at that, and Rinoa starts snorting as she laughs.
FUJIN: I think it was his sister's or something but she died and passed it on to him when it was just a baby. He didn't have the heart to kill it. And he has an Aunt Nancie who calls him every other night to make sure he's okay. Some promise to his mother, or something.
QUISTIS: (wiping tears from her eyes) Oh, this is rich! What else?
FUJIN: (getting into the groove, getting excited) He sleeps on a mattress directly on the floor. He has white sheets with blue stars on them. And he sleeps in these ratty sweats that look like they've had worse days than all of us put together. But he refuses to get rid of them. And he keeps his gunblade all the way across the room in a locked trunk even though we've warned him about attacks in the night. He refuses to be disturbed before ten am or after midnight except in dire emergency.
Yuffie and Selphie are laughing into each other's shoulders.
SELPHIE: Tell us more!
FUJIN: He likes Stephen King, Anne Rice, and Terry Brooks. To read, I mean. And on weekends, he lounges around in jeans and ugly T-shirts and watches Batman movies. Or goes fishing with me and Raijin. He loves to go fishing. And every month, he has to visit his mother's family and pretend that he's not evil because he thinks they'll be ashamed of him.
QUISTIS: (gasping for breath) This is classic!
Back at the house, in the media room
All of the guys are lounging around, watching TV and passing around chips and other assorted snacks. A disgruntled Zell comes in the door, his arms laden with shopping bags.
ZELL: There. You happy, Irvine? I bought fifty gil's worth of chips and soda.
IRVINE: Finally! (he leaps out of his chair and digs into the shopping bags, coming up with a six-pack of Coke and a large bag of barbecue chips) Yes! (turns around.) Hey!
There is limited chair and sofa space, so when Irvine got up, Cloud sneakily took his chair. Cid, Squall, Vincent, and Barrett are all squashed onto the couch, and they all refuse to get up for anything.
CLOUD: Hey, Zell, hand me a caffeine-free Coke.
ZELL: Caffeine-free? The night is young, man! (hands him the Coke)
CID: (grumbling) Maybe for you it is.
IRVINE: (whispers something to Zell about old people)
CID: Shuddup! I'm trying to watch this!
IRVINE: (holds up remote) Ha-HA, I knew it was in my pocket! Let's watch something else now...(changes the channel) Hey! Check it out, Independence Day.
ZELL: Come on, Irvine, that movie's lame. Give me that. (swipes at the remote)
IRVINE: Get away from me! I've got the remote, I've got the power, and-OW! Get offa me!!!! (Zell lost his balance and fell onto Irvine. Irvine shoves him off and sticks the remote in a pocket inside his jacket.) We're going to watch Independence Day.
SQUALL: (sighs and rolls his eyes) ::Will they ever stop arguing over the stupid remote?::
CID: Oh, wait, it's eight o clock. Time for Dukes of Hazzard.
There is a short silence. Behind Cid's head, Vincent makes urgent "change-the-channel" gestures.
IRVINE: (stares at Vincent for a moment.) Um...why, so it is.
CID: Change the channel.
IRVINE: Let's take a vote. Who wants to watch Dukes of Hazzard? (silence) Who wants to watch Independence Day? (silence. Irvine frowns) Um...who wants to watch the big game? (fumbles with the remote, and changes the channel) Esthar versus Midgar! (grins)
Everyone magically becomes animated, and pays close attention to the game. Cid, meanwhile, does something to Irvine that leaves him unconscious behind the couch, but Zell ends up with the remote anyway and everyone wants to watch the football game. Cid also lost his spot on the couch to Zell and had to sit on the floor and grumble.
On the street, on the way to the mall
The FFVII and FFVIII girls are chatting loudly as they head down the street towards the mall. Selphie and Yuffie are amazed at how many things they have in common and are talking about methods of transportation (chocobos vs. trains).
TIFA: I think that blue is your color, Fujin. Or maybe yellow. I saw a dress that would be perfect on you the other day.
FUJIN: I don't know...It's been a while since I've worn a dress.
TIFA: Don't worry, you'll be dazzling.
ELLONE: I don't remember all that much about him, mind you...but he was a cute kid. Always clinging to someone. He had to cling to someone. And he used to run around by himself and then things would mysteriously happen. Like, chairs would break.
RINOA: Awwww.....I have yet to see any pictures of him.
ELLONE: I don't have any. Don't worry, Raine has some. She never leaves home without them.
QUISTIS: No, really. Guardian forces do things to your memory.
AERIS: Wow. Well, stuff like that never happens to us on Midgar. Hey, look who's coming! (points)
Seifer is walking down the street, grumbling to himself about the incompetence of his lackeys and is scribbling things on a sheet of paper, making a shopping list. He doesn't even notice them as he walks by.
EVERYONE: Hi, Seifer (they all burst out into giggles)
SEIFER: (freezes, then turns around. Tifa and Aeris are in front.) Do I know you?...Hey, is that Quistis?
QUISTIS: (being the tallest one there, she was naturally spotted first) Hi, Seifer. (everyone giggles.)
SEIFER: (looking flustered and embarrassed.) What's wrong with you girls? Is that Rinoa? Waitaminute...Fujin?
FUJIN: (she somehow ended up at the front) Hi, Seifer...hee hee hee...oh...um. Ahem...SEIFER.
SEIFER: Are you okay? You sound funny.
FUJIN: (realizes she's forgotten how she used to talk) I'M FINE.
SEIFER: What are you doing with them?
FUJIN: (glances around nervously.) NEGATIVE. I'M NOT WITH THEM, I JUST HAPPENED TO RUN INTO THEM WHILE...I--WAS--SHOPPING.
SEIFER: Shopping?
FUJIN: FOR...EXPLOSIVES.
SEIFER: Oh. Okay, then. Just make sure you're back in the morning. Raijin got me the wrong newspaper.
FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE.
Seifer walks off, adding things to his list and muttering something about crazy SeeD girls. Fujin looks agitated.
FUJIN: That was too close! I don't know what I'd do if he and Raijin knew my voice isn't really like that.
AERIS: Fujin, don't worry about it. If they're really your friends, they won't care what your voice is like.
FUJIN: (stares at Aeris blankly for a moment) Well, you don't spend all your time acting evil.
TIFA: I see the mall! Hurry up!
They run to the mall, and start out in Lazarus. Yuffie and Selphie disappear to shop together. Tifa runs up to the nearest rack.
TIFA: (seizing a slinky, short silver dress off the rack.) Oh, it's perfect! (she suddenly turns around and holds the dress out to Quistis.) ...for you!
QUISTIS: (taken aback, she backs away from Tifa slowly, stammering.) Um, n-n-no, that's okay, Tifa. I already have a dress for the ball.
TIFA: Let me guess. It's long and black with a narrow skirt.
QUISTIS: Um...no...
RINOA: Oh, stop bothering Quistis. She doesn't like to shop with other people for herself. And stop shaking that dress at people. You're either going to suffocate someone or put their eye out with the hanger.
TIFA: Fine. But I still think you would look good in it. (she puts it back on the rack while Quistis tries to recover.) Who doesn't have a dress?
RINOA: I don't.
AERIS: Neither do I
ELLONE: Me, neither...what happened to Selphie and Yuffie?
TIFA: Oh, great. I have to help Yuffie pick out her dress or else she's going to wear jeans and an ugly shirt, I know it. Let's find them, hurry up!
A few racks away...
SELPHIE: Oh, look at this! Isn't this the cutest dress you ever saw? (grabs a brightly-colored, short dress off the rack and holds it up for Yuffie to see)
YUFFIE: I don't like dresses...but it is cute.
SELPHIE: And this dress! How can I pick just one?
YUFFIE: Lookit this shirt! (she holds up a shirt) Wow, and this one!
SELPHIE: That's adorable! Where's my wallet? (she starts rummaging around in her bag, trying not to let her nunchaku fall out)
TIFA: (who has suddenly popped up out of nowhere) There you are!
Selphie and Yuffie drop the things they're holding and scream because Tifa startled them.
TIFA: We've been looking for you two everywhere. Come on, let's go. (she grabs them and drags them away.)
Back in the elegant dress section, Rinoa starts an argument with Aeris about whether Rinoa should buy a short dress or a long one, Quistis helps Selphie look for something elegant enough to wear to the ball, and Tifa goes back and forth between helping Yuffie and helping Fujin. Ellone is shopping by herself.
SELPHIE: How about this one, Quistis? (holds up a bright lime green minidress)
QUISTIS:................
SELPHIE: I have to wear something bright. I like people to notice me. The brighter, the better. And I only wear short dresses.
QUISTIS: Look, how about this one? (offers her a dark blue dress that comes to her ankles)
SELPHIE: (folds her arms around the lime green dress.) I only wear short dresses, Quistis.
QUISTIS: Look, either long and bright, or short and dark. How about that?
SELPHIE: Oh, fine.
QUISTIS: Maybe this one? (holds up a dark green dress, short)
A few racks away...
RINOA: ...but if you have to run, short skirts are so much more free. You know? You have more leg room.
AERIS: But it's a ball, Rinoa. You're supposed to wear long dresses to a ball.
RINOA: (frowns) Really? Hmm.
AERIS: (nodding) Yeah. Only long dresses.
RINOA: (shrugs) Oh, well. Maybe one in between, like this one! (holds up a knee-length dress.)
AERIS: It doesn't matter! Either it's long or it's short and that dress is short!
RINOA: I don't think Squall likes long dresses. I bet if I danced with him in a long dress, he'd step on the hem and rip it. I had better go with this one. (pulls a dress off the rack)
AERIS: I'm telling you, you're making the wrong decision...
A few racks away...
YUFFIE: How about this one? (holds up a really ugly dress)
TIFA: (grimaces) Um, let's try for something a little more...ahem elegant.
YUFFIE: Kay. (she disappears.)
TIFA: (turns back to Fujin) You don't like the blue velvet?
FUJIN: It's too girly. I don't like it.
TIFA: Who cares if it's girly? It's a ball! It's supposed to be girly!
FUJIN: (skeptically) Maybe...but I still don't like it. It's too short.
TIFA: Maybe you're right. Maybe you're more of a long dress person. Here, try this on. (shoves a dress at Fujin and turns around only to run into Yuffie.)
YUFFIE: How about this one? (holds up another really ugly dress)
TIFA: ::That is quite possibly the ugliest dress I've ever seen, and this kid wants to wear it to the ball.:: Maybe you should aim for something , Yuffie. (the dress is covered with multicolored sequins)
YUFFIE: Kay. (she disappears)
TIFA: (turns back to Fujin's dressing room door) How does it look, Fujin?
FUJIN: I don't like it. It's all puffy. (she shoves an enormous light blue gown with a huge tulle skirt over the door so that Tifa can put it back.)
TIFA: Okay...something a little less conspicuous, maybe. Oh, here! Try this one! (hands it to Fujin over the door and then shoves the other dress back onto a hanger and puts it away.)
YUFFIE: How about this one?
TIFA: ::I stand corrected...that is the ugliest dress I've ever seen. How can she be attracted to something so hideous?:: Yuffie, that's just not something you would wear to a ball. Here, try this one on.
YUFFIE: I don't like it.
TIFA: Try it on.
YUFFIE: I don't like it.
TIFA: Just try it on before I lose my patience!
YUFFIE: (runs into dressing room)
A few racks away...
ELLONE: Hey, Rinoa, Aeris. Look, I found the perfect dress. Isn't it beautiful?
RINOA: Yeah...do you like mine?
ELLONE: Oh, yeah! That's nice, Rinoa.
AERIS: And here's mine. (Holds up a dress that's as different from Rinoa's in every way possible.)
ELLONE: I like both of them. (smiles)
QUISTIS: (coming up with Selphie) Hi, guys. I finally got Selphie to pick something that wasn't ridiculously short or looked like the Bride of Bozo's dress.
RINOA: The Bride of Bozo?
QUISTIS: (blushing) You know, a clown. I meant, her taste in clothing is all really bright and stuff. Like clown clothes.
SELPHIE: That is not true! I like happy clothes, not clown clothes!
RINOA: Well, whatever. As long as everyone's happy.
QUISTIS: Is Tifa still wrestling with Yuffie and Fujin?
RINOA: (sighs) Yeah. I wish they would pick it up a bit. At this rate, the spa'll be closed by the time we get there.
Tifa comes up, dragging Fujin and Yuffie with her and they're carrying a bunch of bags.
TIFA: We managed to find dresses and accessories.
YUFFIE: Haven't you guys bought your clothes yet?
RINOA: (glaring at Tifa) We were waiting for you guys.
TIFA: (shrugs) Oh, well. Let's make our purchases and get out of here!
Suddenly, Elena comes out of nowhere, dragging Reno, Rude, and Reeve behind her. When she spots the FFVII girls, she gets kind of agitated, but she finally calms down.
ELENA: (stiffly) Hi.
RENO: Ohmigod it's them! (he dives into a rack of clothing to hide)
RUDE: Hi, Tifa.
REEVE: (hides behind Elena)
TIFA: (turns away from them) Ohmigod.
ELENA: What are you doing here?
SELPHIE: We're shopping, and it's a public store so leave us alone! (gets out her nunchaku, suspecting trouble)
ELENA: What?
Rinoa and Quistis get out their weapons. Quistis cracks her whip quite nicely and manages not to hit anyone. Fujin pulls out her weapon threateningly from out of nowhere. Ellone hides in the back.
RUDE: Who are you four?
RINOA: We're from FFVIII.
RUDE: (coughs loudly) Oh.
AERIS: I don't think there's any need for violence here, guys...unless the Turks wanna fight.
SELPHIE: These morons are the Turks? Somehow, I expected more.
FUJIN: Yeah, me too. Aren't you supposed to be evil? Even Raijin's smarter than you look.
RENO: I resent that remark!
YUFFIE: Did that clothing rack just talk?
RENO: No!!!!
ELENA: Hey, we're just as evil as the next guy. All I want to do is buy a new dress so that I'll look nice when we crash the ball tomorrow night and are killing Cloud and his friends and Seifer's enemies and...
REEVE: Shuddup!
RUDE: Elena! You had to give away the whole plan!
ELENA: No, I didn't. Let's leave now.
RENO: But you didn't get a dress.
ELENA: (pulls him out of the clothing rack.) I want...this one. (grabs a random dress and then they all run off)
SELPHIE: Okay...
TIFA: They're going to crash the party and kill us all!
RINOA: What are you, the narrator?
FUJIN: Hehe, I had forgotten...(looks guilty) But you know we wouldn't have succeeded anyway. We never win. And the place would be crawling with SeeDs and people like that.
QUISTIS: You knew about this the whole time?
FUJIN: Well, in all the excitement of talking normal and buying clothes and stuff, I kind of forgot to mention it!
Everyone is speechless.
FUJIN: What did you want me to say, tomorrow night, you will all die a horrible, horrible death?
RINOA: A hint would have been nice!
QUISTIS: Okay, look, let's just forget about it and call the guys and tell them to be on guard tomorrow.
SELPHIE: Aren't we going to see them in a few hours anyway?
QUISTIS: .............It's my quarter and I'm older than you anyway so I say we call them.
They call the guys and tell a half-awake Irvine about the Turks and their plans. Then they buy their dresses and then shoes and jewelry, and then they all head over to the spa and sit down in the waiting chairs.
TIFA: I made an appointment for all of us here. It'll be a few minutes.
Fujin looks nervous.
QUISTIS: Wow. It smells really good in here!
TIFA: I signed us up for the whole treatment. Facials and mud baths and being wrapped in seaweed and a massage at the very end. It'll be great!
RINOA: I hope it won't take too long. I mean, I bet the guys are eating us out of house and home watching TV.
SELPHIE: Wow. The works, huh? This looks great!
YUFFIE: Yeah! I've always wanted to try one of those clay face masks, but never had the time to!
AERIS: I've been here once before. The whole spa thing was my idea. It was really great.
ELLONE: Raine is going to be so jealous when I tell her what I've been doing!
FUJIN: (looks really nervous and slides down in her chair.)
A perky blond woman walks up.
WOMAN: Hi, I'm Sally, and I'll be your guide through the world of wonderful body treatments! Do you have an appointment?
TIFA: It's Lockhart, party of eight.
SALLY: Oh, yes, you're right here on my schedule. Who's first?
QUISTIS: (jumps out of her chair) I am! (blushes when everyone else stares at her) I never get to do anything fun.
SALLY: Just follow me, ma'am, and we'll set your body on the healing track!
Quistis follows Sally over to a chair, where she gets some goopy face mask applied to her face and cucumbers put over her eyes and she has to let that sit for a while.
Back at the house, in the media room
Irvine has just awakened from when Cid knocked him out. He answered the phone when Selphie called only to discover that there was evil afoot.
IRVINE: Hey, that was Selphie on the phone. She says we're going to get attacked tomorrow at the ball.
ZELL: Quiet! The game's on! (he cheers enthusiastically as the Esthar Behemoths score another point) SCORE! (he jumps on the couch and steps on Vincent, who shoves him off the couch with his claw.
CID: (sitting in the corner, not watching) Great. Evil.
SQUALL: HA! IN YOUR FACE, MIDGAR!!!!!!! (also standing on the couch, but not jumping)
CLOUD: Man! The third one in a row! Can't we watch something else?
ZELL: (while examining the long, bleeding cut that Vincent gave him) No! It's the big game! Does anyone have some napkins?
BARRETT: Here. (he hands Zell a handful of about fifty napkins)
ZELL: Thanks. (tries to bandage his leg without taking his eyes off the game)
IRVINE: Hel-lo? Trouble, guys! The Turks gave away their plan while shopping for clothes at the mall!
CID: (chuckling to himself) Good old Turks. You can always trust them to tell us when they're planning something devious.
SQUALL: (waving at Irvine and Cid to shut up) Tell me at a commercial, Irvine...WOW! LOOKIT THAT! ANOTHER MARVELOUS SCORE FOR THE EVER-VICTORIOUS BEHEMOTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IRVINE: (sighs and sits on the floor far away from Cid, and ends up next to Zell, who is holding a bunch of napkins against his leg) I wonder what the girls are doing now...
At the mall, in the spa
FUJIN: Uh-uh, no way, I don't want a facial.
SALLY: The deep-cleansing nutrients will lead your skin to its heavenly days!
QUISTIS: (who has been done for a while) Come on, Fujin, it's fun!
FUJIN: No, nope, I changed my mind. Who needs deep-cleansing nutrients when you have...um...nice, comfy plastic chairs to sit in? Fun, isn't it? (makes a big show out of sitting on her chair)
SALLY: (continues as though no one else is talking) It will make you look years younger than you already are!
TIFA: What's the matter, Fujin? Why don't you want to get a facial?
FUJIN: It sounds stupid. I'll skip the facial and get the rest of it.
AERIS: You can't. It all comes with the package. It's a thing where you can do a bunch of stuff for a bunch of people for a low price.
SALLY: It will remove grease and oil and moisturize your skin!
FUJIN: I don't care. Then I'll skip the whole thing.
TIFA: You were all for it before! What's wrong now?
SALLY: And after the facial, your skin will tingle at our special mud baths! They will invigorate your skin to its healthiest!
FUJIN: I just don't want to. I'll go home smelling like seaweed and cucumbers and Raijin and Seifer are going to wonder what the heck I was doing. And if they knew, they would make fun of me!
TIFA: Sorry, Fujin, I already paid for you.
FUJIN: So get a refund.
SALLY: (comes out of her trance) Sorry, no refunds.
QUISTIS: (shoves Fujin towards the facial chair.) Go on, Fujin. You'll look really nice tomorrow night.
FUJIN: (grumbles to herself and sits down in the chair)
FACIAL WOMAN: Hi, I'm Wendy and I'll be your facialist!
FUJIN: Great.
WENDY: (looks at Fujin with distaste.) First, let's take off that awful-looking eyepatch.
FUJIN: No. I don't want to.
WENDY: You can't get the facial with your eyepatch on.
FUJIN: (moaning) I don't even want the stupid facial!!!!!
TIFA: JUST TAKE IT OFF AND QUIT BEING A BIG BABY, FUJIN!!!!!!
QUISTIS: Lighten up, Tifa.
TIFA: Sorry. Stress of shopping, that sort of thing.
FUJIN: (sighs and takes off her eyepatch)
Everyone gasps except for the spa women.
QUISTIS: Fujin! Your eye!
FUJIN: (blushing bright red) What about it?
QUISTIS: It's normal! It's just an eye!
FUJIN: So?
TIFA: Why do you wear the eyepatch if you eye isn't like gross or bloody or anything?
FUJIN: I just look better that way.
AERIS: I don't think so. You have beautiful eyes, Fujin.
FUJIN: (blushes even redder) Let's just get this over with, okay?
RINOA: (enters, then gasps) Fujin! Your eye!
FUJIN: Why is that always the first thing people say when they see me without my eyepatch??????
RINOA: It's just a normal eye! Why do you wear an eyepatch?
FUJIN: (blinks a few times, then looks up at them.) Do I look like an evil henchperson to you guys?
Silence.
FUJIN: Seifer just looks evil. Raijin can hardly fit through a door because he's huge and just looks sinister. I just look like a person without my eyepatch and that's why I wear it end of story!
RINOA: Wow. You do look like a normal person. Maybe-
WENDY: Are you all quite done? This girl needs a facial!
FUJIN: (sarcastically) Thanks.
WENDY: Don't take it the wrong way. Everyone always needs one of our special facials!
An hour later, back at the house
They all walk in, smelling like the spa and carrying their bags. The house is seemingly deserted.
QUISTIS: Hel-lo? Anyone?
RINOA: (peeking into the TV room) No one's in there.
QUISTIS: How strange...where could they be?
CLOUD: (sneaks into the foyer, sees the girls and goes white, then turns around to leave)
TIFA: Cloud! There you are! What are you doing? What's in your hands?
CLOUD: (quickly hides his Super Soaker full of red paint behind his back) Nothing! Nothing! I swear! Just...walking around. Have you seen Irvine anywhere?
SELPHIE: No, we just got here. Why?
CLOUD: He's hunting me...I mean, he's mad at me because...I...ate all the...things that you eat, you know...ah! Chips!
Everyone stares at him like he's a crazy person.
QUISTIS: Right...well, we had better unload these bags.
CLOUD: In your rooms?
SELPHIE: No, Cloud. In the fridge.
CLOUD: I don't think that's a very good idea.
RINOA: Why not?
CLOUD: Some evil could be lurking in there. I should check your rooms for you.
QUISTIS: We can take care of ourselves, Cloud. Thank you.
CLOUD: (as they start up the stairs) Wait--wait, stop! You can't go up there, there was a burglar and we had to booby-trap the house and-
ZELL: (jumping in out of nowhere holding a Super Soaker full of blue paint) SAY YOUR PRAYERS, MIDGAR SCUM!!!!!!!!!
TIFA: What--?
Zell proceeds to get Cloud covered in blue paint. While the girls are spotless, Quistis loses it when she sees the carpet.
QUISTIS: MY CARPET!!!!!! ZELL, WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING?
ZELL: (looking guilty) Leaving...
QUISTIS: Stay right here! Where is everyone else?
ZELL: Playing paintball.
RINOA: In the house?!
ZELL: It's cold and dark outside and we didn't want to.
RINOA: You would think you guys would have more sense than that.
ZELL: Hehehe...you would, wouldn't you?
QUISTIS: Just get some carpet cleaner and clean this up before the morning.
ZELL: (scowling) Yeah, well you should see what Irvine did to the guest room.
AERIS: I hope it's not my guest room!
IRVINE: (suddenly appears in the doorway.) There you are, scum of the earth! (takes aim with his Super Soaker and fires a stream of blue paint all over Cloud despite the horrified expression on Quistis' face and the fact that Cloud is already covered with paint.) YES!!!!! He never misses a shot, ladies and gents!!! He...oh, hey, Quisty.
QUISTIS: (her face turns red when he calls her that) Irvine. Just look at the carpet!
IRVINE: (looks) Don't worry, I'll take care of it. All I have to do now is find Cid...again...hehehe...
QUISTIS: No way! Clean it up NOW!
SQUALL: (runs in holding his Super Soaker proudly) Irvine! Zell! I just got Barrett so we just have to capture the flag now and...(he trails off when he sees the look on Quistis' face)
Quistis pulls out her whip and uses it to disarm Squall, Irvine, and Zell. Then she calls Siren the guardian force and uses her on the boys until they've all collapsed on the floor.
IRVINE: ............!!!
QUISTIS: Serves you right. I'll undo the spell when you've cleaned all the carpets up.
SQUALL: ...............
ZELL: ...................!!!!!!.........!!!........!
IRVINE: ......???
QUISTIS: In the pantry in the kitchen. It's a little bottle of powder labeled, "Stain-B-Gone." Get to work!
The FFVIII boys march off towards the kitchen, and Cloud looks up at Quistis.
CLOUD: ...........!!!
QUISTIS: What?
CLOUD:
RINOA: What?
TIFA: Here, write it down on this paper. (she gives it to him)
CLOUD: (scribbles furiously, then holds up paper. It reads: "We made our bases in the bedrooms. Someone is going to be up there with a paintball gun."
QUISTIS: (says nothing, only grimaces)
AERIS: Then you'll just have to tell them to stop, won't you?
CLOUD: .................!!!!
QUISTIS: Sorry. I'll remove it in the morning. But I want to go to sleep. I'm tired. If there's anyone in my room, get them out!
CLOUD:......................!!!!!
The next day, in the lobby
All of the guys are waiting around just before the ball wearing their fancy clothes: tuxes or SeeD uniforms.
IRVINE: (whining) I've had such a bad day...first, the Silence spell thing. Then, the girls used up all the hot water so I had to have a cold, cold shower. Then Quistis makes me wear this stupid suit. And she won't let me wear my hat! I think this tux would look classy with my hat! (turns on Zell) Don't you agree?
ZELL: Whatever, Irvine. We all had cold showers today.
CLOUD: Yeah. And at least you get to wear a coat over it Irvine!
IRVINE: (looks down at himself. He went out and bought a nice black trench coat to wear with his tux when Quistis refused to let him wear his green one) Yeah...
SQUALL: ::Why is it taking them so long? We're going to be late!::
CID: I feel like a $#&& moron.
SQUALL: ::You are a moron.::
Selphie, Ellone, and Yuffie come down the stairs. Selphie and Yuffie are wearing the same dress, only Yuffie's is dark green and Selphie's is navy blue. It's sleeveless and short with an empire waist. Ellone is wearing a lovely peach-colored ball gown with straps. The skirt reaches her ankles. She is also wearing a black wrap draped over her arms like it usually is.
SELPHIE: Hi guys. Did you call Raine and Edea for us?
ZELL: Yeah, they arranged everything for you.
YUFFIE: ::I feel so stupid in this dress.::
Long pause.
ELLONE: You guys all look nice.
They all mutter a thanks.
SELPHIE: Check it out! Aeris helped us sew dimensional pockets on our clothes! (pulls her nunchaku out of nowhere, and swings them over her head.) Just in case our plan doesn't work.
CLOUD: Plan? What plan?
SELPHIE: (snickers) You'll see.
IRVINE: We've been talking about this plan all morning! Where were you?
CLOUD: (sulky) Cleaning paint off of the basement sofa once Quistis realized it was me.
IRVINE: Hehehe...well, we've got a sneaky plan.
ELLONE: Raine and Edea helped us out.
Before anyone can ask any more questions, Tifa and Aeris come down. Aeris' hair is all undone and loose. She is wearing a long light blue ball gown w/ spaghetti straps and a huge, poofy skirt. She also has a light blue wrap. Tifa is wearing a short maroon halter dress.
CLOUD: ...................
IRVINE: (whistles)
SELPHIE: (glares at him)
TIFA: (smiles at Cloud.) Hi Cloud.
CLOUD: ..........Hi, Tifa.
AERIS: Isn't my dress pretty, Cloud????
CLOUD: .............. yeah.
TIFA: So you don't like my dress?
CLOUD: (gets all agitated) I like everyone's dresses! You, too, Yuffie!
Aeris and Tifa frown at Yuffie, who has been chatting with Selphie and Zell and not paying attention. Then Quistis and Rinoa come down. Quistis is wearing a long black dress with long tight sleeves and her usual hair style. Rinoa is wearing a strapless, sleeveless royal blue dress that stops at her knees with black lace over it.
QUISTIS: Are we ready to go?
SQUALL: .....................
RINOA: (takes his arm and pulls him towards the door.) Let's roll!
Everyone goes outside to find Vincent oiling his claw and humming to himself. When everyone sees him, he stops quickly and gets all embarrassed.
VINCENT: (brushing invisible lint off of his suit) Come on, what are you all standing around for? Time is money! We're going to be late!
SELPHIE: We can be fashionably late.
QUISTIS: I don't know...since we saved the world I think Cid likes to have us there when the parties and stuff start.
CID: (wasn't paying attention; only heard his name.) What???
QUISTIS: Not you!
They all pile into the two vans. Squall is driving one and Tifa is driving the other one. All of the FFVII crew is in Tifa's van except for Yuffie, who wanted to ride with Selphie, and Ellone, who wanted to ride with her age group. Angelo is riding in the very back of Squall's van. When they got there, they all went up to the ballroom together. Laguna and Raine are standing around chatting with Headmaster Cid, Edea, and Rufus.
LAGUNA: So, where's Scarlet, Heidegger, and Palmer this evening?
RUFUS: Oh, they're dead. Or sick, I don't know. (He looks really bored) So, what kind of evil empire do you have here?
LAGUNA: It's not evil.
RUFUS: (shocked and appalled) Not evil??!!
RAINE: Nope. Very neutral.
RUFUS: (sputters incoherently)
SQUALL: (turns red at the sight of Raine and Laguna, mostly because Raine is wearing a strange dress that is similar in style to a turtleneck.) ::Oh, no! Look at what she's wearing! Can't she dress any better than that?::
RINOA: Come on, Squall. I have to take care of something with Raine and Edea.
SQUALL: (tries to say something, but in his agitation chokes on his breath)
RINOA: (coming up to the five of them and dragging Squall behind her) So, Raine...are we all set tonight?
RAINE: Yes, Rinoa. Edea and I arranged everything. There won't be any problems! (notices Squall) Why, hello, Squall!
SQUALL: (mortally embarrassed, mumbles,) Hi.
RAINE: Look, Laguna, it's Squall!
LAGUNA: Hey, Squall! How are you?
SQUALL: Fine. Um....Ihavetousethebathroom. (he blurs away)
RINOA: So, Raine...did you remember those pictures?
RAINE: (whips out a wallet from nowhere full of baby pictures of Squall that Edea sent her) Are you kidding? I never leave home without them!
Elsewhere...
QUISTIS: Oh, look! There's Fujin! Doesn't she look fantastic? (tugging insistently on Irvine's arm.)
IRVINE: (staring) Wow.
Fujin comes over to them, looking out of place and self-conscious. She is wearing a long, sleeveless, high-necked blue-violet dress with slits up to the knees. She isn't wearing her eyepatch either, so she keeps self-consciously rubbing her eye.
FUJIN: Hi guys.
QUISTIS: Are you here...alone?
FUJIN: Yeah...I would rather die than let Seifer and Raijin see me like this!
QUISTIS: Why? You look very nice!
FUJIN: (blinks and rubs her eye.) I feel so out of place...what are you staring at?
IRVINE: (gets all flustered) Nothing. (coughs loudly whenever Fujin tries to ask him a question.)
FUJIN: (glances around to make sure no one is watching, then kicks him) Why are you staring at me?
IRVINE: (hopping on one foot and holding his other shin.) Let me think...you look different, you're talking different, you're wearing a dress, you're here without Seifer and Raijin...
QUISTIS: It's a long story.
SELPHIE: (who has been watching Yuffie dance with Zell, trying to place something.) Hey! She's got the same dress on as me!
QUISTIS: Um, Selphie, you got it off the same rack! Besides, you didn't even pick it out! I did!
SELPHIE: So what? It's the principal of the thing. She's going to be so sorry when Zell stops dancing with her...
AERIS: (muttering to herself) Just because I don't wear stupid slutty dresses and act like a fool he picks her over me, will he? I'll show him...
Cid, Barrett, and Vincent are standing together looking fearful near the refreshment table. All of the SeeDs are avoiding them because Vincent has a claw, Cid is all scruffy and funny-looking, and Barrett has a gun for a hand.
SQUALL: (stops in the doorway, looking for Rinoa, then turns white and runs over to Irvine, Selphie, Quistis, Fujin, and Aeris.) She's showing her my baby pictures!
IRVINE: What?
QUISTIS: Who?
SQUALL: (looking upset) Raine! She's showing Rinoa my baby pictures!
QUISTIS: And how would she have them?
SQUALL: Uh.......Edea sent them to her.....
QUISTIS: Why would she want them?
SQUALL: Why not? I was a cute baby.
IRVINE: That's what you think. I was cuter.
QUISTIS: Irvine, that's not a wor--
SQUALL: How would you remember?
IRVINE: I remember a lot more than you, Guardian Force Boy!
SQUALL: (is so agitated that he can't even speak)
IRVINE: Oh, that reminds me. Cloud owes me some money over the game last night. And Cid, as a matter of fact. (He goes off in search of them.)
Suddenly, there is a bright flash of light and Seifer appears with Raijin by his side. Sephiroth also appears with Elena, Rude, Reno, Reeve, and Tseng.
RUFUS: (across the room, under his breath) Oh, no. I had better get out of here. (sneaks away while Laguna, the Headmaster, Edea, and Raine are busy watching the bad guys.)
SEIFER: Now I will get my revenge! Where's Squall? I want to start with him!
SQUALL: Uh-oh...Selphie, Quistis, are you sure about this plan of yours?
SELPHIE: No.
QUISTIS: But we brought our weapons just in case. Didn't you?
SQUALL: (whimpers)
SEIFER: Fujin, Raijin, find--hey. (leans closer to Raijin, whispers) Where's Fujin?
RAIJIN: (shrugs)
SEIFER: You said you would get her before we left! She has to be here or else everything is ruined!!!
RAIJIN: Sorry, Seifer, but I couldn't find her, ya know? I looked everywhere.
SEIFER: (glances at Sephiroth and his band of Turks Reeve) Look at those people! We need Fujin here if we're going to do any killing!
RAIJIN: Sorry, Seifer. I'll find Squall, ya know? (scans the crowd in search of Squall, who is hiding behind Irvine) Oh, wait, there she is.
SEIFER: Squall?
RAIJIN: No, Fujin. (yells) HEY, FUJIN!!! OVER HERE!!!
FUJIN: (turning bright red) What am I going to do, Quistis?
QUISTIS: (shrugs. It doesn't matter that much to her since their lives are on the line.)
RAIJIN: (waves like an idiot at her)
FUJIN: (sighs and steps into the light where they can see her.) What is it, Raijin...oops...
SEIFER: (jaw drops) ...Fujin?
RAIJIN: Fujin?
SEIFER: What are you wearing?
FUJIN: A dress.
SEIFER: Where's your eyepatch?
FUJIN: Uh...I lost it.
SEIFER: AND WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE THAT???!!!!!
FUJIN: Um...(glances at Quistis, who shrugs again.) .........
RAIJIN: What are you doing, Fujin? We're supposed to be killing SeeDs here, ya know?
FUJIN: (glances around guiltily.) .........UNDERCOVER.
SEIFER: (brightens dramatically) Fujin, you're brilliant! Pretending you're going to the ball! That's sheer genius!
FUJIN: (blushes) THANKS.
SEIFER: Okay. Now we're ready. Let's kick some...(turns to Sephiroth, Turks, and Reeve.) ...Sephiroth?
SEPHIROTH: (can't speak. He's laughing hysterically at the sight of Fujin in a dress and without her eyepatch.)
SEIFER: (getting angry) Elena?
ELENA: (laughing so hard her mascara is running from tears)
SEIFER: Um...Other Turks?
Rude, Reno, Reeve, and Tseng are all falling over each other as well as Elena and Sephiroth, laughing hysterically. Seifer loses it.
SEIFER: THIS ISN'T FUNNY!!!!!!!! (he stamps his foot and waves his gunblade around threateningly) STOP LAUGHING!!!! (turns to Fujin and Raijin) All right. Where's Squall? Let's start the slaughter without them. I'm sure things will pick up once we've killed a few people.
FUJIN: .......(torn between her new almost-friends and helping Seifer, she doesn't say anything. Then she points at Irvine.)
SEIFER: That's not Squall. That's Irvine. Are you sure you can see okay without your eyepatch on?
FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE.
RAIJIN: Maybe Squall is hiding over there, like behind a curtain, ya know?
SEIFER: Yeah! (storms over to Quistis, Irvine, Selphie, Aeris, and a hidden Squall.) Where is he, you punks?!?!
SELPHIE: (cowering) Don't hurt us!
IRVINE: Selphie!
QUISTIS: Please don't hurt us!
Suspicious, Seifer eyes them.
IRVINE: Don't listen to them, Seifer. They're just trying to lure you away from the cake.
SEIFER: What cake?
SELPHIE: No, Irvine! Don't tell him!
IRVINE: The Oreo ice cream cake over on the refreshment table. Hurt us all you want, just don't touch the cake!
SEIFER: .....(looks as though a light has come on in his eyes)........cake?
QUISTIS: Oh, Irvine, you shouldn't have told him!
SEIFER: (glances from Fuijin and Raijin to the SeeDs, Irvine, and Aeris.) Um...I have to go. (He sprints over to the refreshment table and eagerly digs into the cake. Fuijin smiles at them, then follows him with Raijin.)
Across the room...
TSENG: (to the other Turks) This is really stupid. Let's go.
ELENA: I agree. Who cares if Sephiroth has a picture of you from the time that you got drunk and got into a fight with an unarmed woman and lost?
TSENG: (shocked and embarrassed) Elena!!!!!
Rude, Reno, and Reeve start laughing again.
TSENG: (furious) I'll deal with you later, Elena! Come on, let's get out of here before Cloud and his gang finds us and deals with us!
The Turks run for the main doorway while everyone else is either watching Seifer stuff his face with ice cream cake, or watching Sephiroth choking on his breath while laughing. Just before they reach the door, though, Fujin blocks their way.
TSENG: Hey, Fujin. How's it going?
FUJIN: (says nothing, just pulls out her weapon)
TSENG: (glances at the other Turks, alarmed.) We still doing that slaughter thing?
ELENA: Hey, yeah! We've got materias and weapons. We could still party!
RENO: (clears his throat politely.) You know, Fujin, seeing as we're all evil and therefore on the same side, I think that you should get out of our way.
Fujin suddenly looks as though a shadow has fallen over her face and grins at the Turks evilly.
RUDE: (nudges Reno and whispers loudly to him that no one cares about what he thinks.)
FUJIN: GENTLEMEN.
ELENA: Hey! I happen to be a woman! And--
FUJIN: Shall we dance? (calls Siren on them so that they're silent and no one will hear them scream when she beats them up) This is for laughing at me in my new ball gown!
THE TURKS REEVE: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Across the room...
TIFA: (breathless) Wow! That was some dance, Cloud! What's going on?
Everyone stares at her, including Cloud.
TIFA: Sorry. I wasn't paying attention to anything happening.
RINOA: Sorry. You missed it. But look! (she points.) Sephiroth is still laughing.
So he is...
SEPHIROTH: (suddenly and abruptly stops laughing when he realizes that everyone is staring at him. He clears his throat and smoothes his hair.) Seifer?
SEIFER: Can't talk. Eating.
SEPHIROTH: Seifer???
SEIFER: Leave me alone!!!!!
SEPHIROTH: Tseng! Where are you? I see Cloud! Tseng! (when no one answers him, he looks around nervously.) Rude? Reno? Elena? Reeve? What happened to my lackeys???
FUJIN: DISPOSED.
SEPHIROTH: What?
FUJIN: (has "found" her eyepatch but is still wearing her purple gown.) DISPOSED.
RAIJIN: (coming up behind Fujin) I think she's sayin' that she's taken care of the Turks, ya know?
SEPHIROTH: (suspiciously) Taken care of how?
Fujin just smiles and puts her weapon into her dimensional pocket.
SEPHIROTH: (realizing that he's not going to win this battle.) Well, I think I took the wrong bus or something because this is definitely not the Johnsons' Christmas party! No, so I think I'll just be leaving now...(blurs out of the room before anyone can do anything, and then teleports back to Midgar in the hall.)
LAGUNA: What is going on here?
SQUALL: ::Great. The most important guy here, and he has to act like a moron and embarrass us all to death...:: (he is still hiding behind Irvine)
They all gather around Laguna and explain to him that on their girls' night out, Fujin had told them that he would do anything for an Oreo ice cream cake.
QUISTIS: Even stop himself from killing his enemies.
RINOA: So we called Raine and Edea--
SELPHIE: Who arranged this entire party anyway.
RINOA: --and told them to pick up an Oreo ice cream cake and make sure they had it here.
ZELL: (with his mouth full of chips or something) I'm surprised Raine didn't tell you.
LAGUNA: (frowning and rubbing his chin.) Yes...me too...(turns around in a circle) Where is Raine, anyway? (goes off to find her)
QUISTIS: I think you're off the hook Squall!
SQUALL: Really.
QUISTIS: Yeah! Seifer isn't going to bother anyone as long as he has that cake, and Fujin and Raijin are going to try to convince him to take it home with him and forget about killing us.
SQUALL: That's what you think. Everyone else is doing just fine but Laguna is standing around acting like a moron and Raine is wearing an ugly dress and showing Rinoa pictures of me...
RINOA: (giggles) They were cute pictures, though!
SELPHIE: What does that have to do with anything, Squall?
SQUALL: .............Nothing.
IRVINE: So now what?
SELPHIE: What happened to those FFVII jerks?
QUISTIS: (frowning and surveying the room) Well, Cid, Vincent, and Barrett are camped out by the punch bowl...the Turks and Sephiroth are gone...Tifa and Aeris are arguing...and Cloud is behind you.
SELPHIE: (blushing) Hi, Cloud!!!
CLOUD: I was just wondering...ice cream cake?
IRVINE: Yeah!
CLOUD: That was your big plan? Ice cream cake?
RINOA: Hey, Oreo ice cream cake. There's a difference.
CLOUD: (snorts) Some plan.
ZELL: I didn't see you coming up with any grand plan, Cloud.
IRVINE: Yeah, you spend all day playing Alien Defenders of Justice on our PlayStation!
CLOUD: I had to get to level eight!
QUISTIS: You could have at least bought a cake for us.
CLOUD: Oh...I think Aeris wants me. Gottagobye! (blurs away)
SELPHIE: (checks to make sure no one is behind her.) Like I said, they're jerks.
IRVINE: I thought you liked Yuffie, Selphie.
SELPHIE: She's wearing my dress!
IRVINE: (looks at Yuffie but can't see any similarities between their dresses)
SELPHIE: (exasperated) That's it! I hate this party! I'm leaving! Whoever doesn't come with me has to come home with the Stupid Fantasy VII losers.
IRVINE: I'll come.
ZELL: (looks wistfully at Seifer's cake and then remembers that they have two unopened bags of chips at home) Me too.
QUISTIS: I'll catch a ride with the others...I think that as a teacher I should stick around.
ZELL: But you don't teach here anymore, Quistis.
QUISTIS: Um...sure I do, Zell, I--Oh, look, it's Headmaster Cid! (runs off)
SQUALL: ::I hate parties. I hate pictures. Who wants to remember stupid things like childhood anyway?:: I'm coming too.
SELPHIE: Rinoa?
RINOA: Hang on...I have to find Angelo. He ran off somewhere. (leaves)
Rinoa finds Angelo in a secluded corner. But he's not alone. Fujin is crouching on the floor, petting him and smiling.
FUJIN: (sees Rinoa and gets all flustered. She stands and brushes her dress off.) RINOA.
RINOA: I have to get my dog.
FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE.
RINOA: Were you...petting him?
FUJIN: (embarrassed. She glances around to make sure no one is listening or watching, then admits,) I like animals.
RINOA: You?
FUJIN: (nods) I have a cat named Pearl at home. I've always had a pet. I can't remember life without an animal to come home to. Plus, taking care of Seifer's rabbit...
RINOA: (giggles)
FUJIN: ...I probably shouldn't have told you that. Don't tell anyone else, okay? I mean, don't go spreading it around.
RINOA: All right.
FUJIN: And don't think this means anything either. I had a great time shopping and everything, but I stand behind Seifer. I always have and I always will. If you guys get in the way again, I'm gonna fight you.
RINOA: I understand. ::I understand that you just don't know how to change!::
FUJIN: GOOD.
RINOA: (puts a leash on Angelo's collar) Then I guess I'll see you around?
FUJIN: MAYBE.
Rinoa leaves and goes home with the rest of her friends.
The Aftermath
Sunday morning, in the kitchen at the house
Rinoa, Quistis, Selphie, Irvine, and Squall are sitting around the kitchen table, eating breakfast. Rinoa, Quistis, and Squall are wearing their normal clothes. Irvine is wearing his trusty hat and a robe over a pair of boxers. Selphie is wearing a cute little T-shirt and some pajama pants. Zell comes in, wearing a pair of sweatpants.
ZELL: Morning, guys.
SQUALL: (nods)
RINOA: Hi Zell.
QUISTIS: Morning Zell.
SELPHIE: Hey, Zell.
IRVINE: About time! I've been up for hours!
ZELL: (glares at Irvine and gets out a box of Pop Tarts)
QUISTIS: (snorts) More like one hour.
ZELL: (unwraps two Pop Tarts and eats them cold) So, anyone heard from Fujin?
RINOA: I talked to her last night. She said not to expect anything to change.
QUISTIS: I thought she would do that.
ZELL: Can I have some cranberry juice?
RINOA: (hands it to him) I guess it was kinda expected...I was just sort of hoping that she would go back to being a regular person again.
SELPHIE: I wonder why she started talking like that and everything. I mean, once she moved to the Garden. She never told us.
Everyone ponders that for a minute. Then something pops up in the toaster.
IRVINE: My waffle! (jumps up to get it)
RINOA: I guess she figures we did her a favor, shopping with her and everything...and she repaid us last night when she helped us with the cake. Or something. No loose strings or anything.
SELPHIE: (staring at the back of a cereal box) Maybe she just like wanted to escape from reality and be a different person. When she went to the Garden, I mean. Maybe she just hated herself and wanted to be different. (perks up suddenly) I found it!
IRVINE: (busily coating his waffle with peanut butter and chocolate chips) Found what?
SELPHIE: The chocobo!
Everyone stares at her.
SELPHIE: (blushes) On the box. (points with her spoon) There's a little maze and stuff on the back of the box and you're supposed to find the chocobo. And I found it.
IRVINE: (takes his plate back to the table and starts pouring syrup all over the waffle) What cereal is that? I thought Lucky Charms was your brand, and I'm pretty sure they don't have chocobos on the box.
SELPHIE: (picks up the box and reads the name of the cereal) Chocobo Crunch. It's really good. See, they have little chocobo-shaped pieces of cereal and some of them are chocolatey! Yuffie told me about them.
ZELL: I thought you hated Yuffie.
SELPHIE: That was just last night at the ball. This morning before they left I was going to kick her butt with my nunchaku but she gave me some of this cereal and I changed my mind.
QUISTIS: And then she made me go out and buy her a box so she could have some for breakfast.
IRVINE: (sprinkles powdered sugar on his waffle and then adds milk and sugar to his coffee)
ZELL: What time did they leave?
QUISTIS: Six this morning. They said it would be a long trip, but I think they just wanted to get away from us.
ZELL: I don't care. I wanted to get away from them. I mean, Final Fantasy Seven. (laughs) Is that the weirdest game on the planet, or what?
SELPHIE: Yeah, we're way better than they are. We're SeeDs! Well, some of us are.
QUISTIS: Are you sure you don't want anything else, Squall?
Squall, who hates breakfast, is drinking black coffee and reading the Esthar Times. Quistis made breakfast that morning, so she and Rinoa are eating scrambled eggs and melon squares. They're the more "healthy breakfast" type of people. Irvine stood in front of the fridge for about an hour before deciding he wanted waffles, and Selphie and Zell never eat anything that can't be toasted or poured into a bowl conveniently. Irvine likes to eat something different every morning.
SQUALL: Yeah. (sips his coffee)
RINOA: (staring at Irvine's plate) Irvine, I think that's really gross.
IRVINE: (looks up.) What?
RINOA: Your waffle.
IRVINE: (looks at his waffle. It's covered with peanut butter, chocolate chips, syrup, and powdered sugar.) What about it?
RINOA: It's disgusting.
IRVINE: This is the way I always eat my waffles. What's wrong with it now?
RINOA: It's disgusting!
IRVINE: Well, I'm sorry if my waffle offends you.
RINOA: I can't believe you eat waffles with a spoon.
IRVINE: The syrup makes it too soggy to pick up with a fork.
RINOA: Ugh.
IRVINE: (makes a big show out of putting a spoonful of waffle in his mouth.) Mmm, now that's breakfast!
RINOA: (shudders and takes a huge drink of her tea)
SELPHIE: Yuffie used to live in Wutai.
ZELL: (mouth full of Pop Tarts) Where's that?
SELPHIE: I dunno. Somewhere in Midgar, maybe? (eats a spoonful of cereal, and continues to talk with her mouth full) They made your tea in Wutai, Rinoa.
RINOA: Really? (picks up the tea canister and reads the label.) Huh. If I had known it was such a crappy brand, I wouldn't have bought it. Ew. Gross.
SELPHIE: Hey, Squall, can I have the comics?
SQUALL: Yeah. (he fumbles with the paper until he finds the comics and then hands them to Selphie)
SELPHIE: Yuffie likes Kiraka, Girl Demon the best.
ZELL: I don't want to hear anything more about Yuffie! I hate all of those jerks!
At Tifa's house in Midgar
CID: I hate those jerks! I can't believe they cut our cable! Now what am I supposed to do?
TIFA: Take up knitting?
AERIS: Watch the soaps with me?
VINCENT: Maybe do something active?
Back home in Midgar, the FFVII crew are enjoying being home again. Cloud is sleeping to make up for getting up early, Barrett is showering, Tifa is loading the dishwasher with the breakfast dishes, and Aeris, Cid, Vincent, Red XIII, and Yuffie are sitting around discussing the group's most recent loss; their cable. Failure to pay for it over the weekend forced the cable guy to cut their line.
TIFA: Wow, Red XIII! You missed some weekend! Did we tell you about it?
RED XIII: (sourly) Yes. Only fifty times.
YUFFIE: It was so great. Oh, hand me the comics, please.
VINCENT: (wrestling with the Midgar Daily News and trying not to shred it with his claw.) Here. (thrusts the comics at her speared on his claw.)
YUFFIE: Thanks. (starts reading)
CID: I mean, they were going to put Dukes of Hazzard on, like, five times a day! Tifa!
TIFA: What?
CID: Why didn't you pay for the cable bill?????
TIFA: I dunno.
CID: $&((&
AERIS: (to Red XIII) I guess the strangest thing about the weekend were those FFVIII guys.
TIFA AND CID: Yeah!
AERIS: I mean, they were so serious! At the ball, they were all, "Can't party now, got to save the world with ice cream cake!" And they don't even, like, do stuff with their enemies! They wanted to do battle with Elena and the Turks when we ran into them while shopping!
RED XIII: That is pretty strange.
TIFA: I think it comes from being a SeeD.
AERIS: Yeah, probably.
YUFFIE: Well, Selphie wasn't that bad! She likes Triple Chocolate Raspberry Swirl Supreme Almond Fudge Delight ice cream too!
VINCENT: (suddenly looks up from his paper, alarmed.) You still eat that?
YUFFIE: Yeah! It's the best flavor in the world!
VINCENT: I thought Tifa made you quit.
YUFFIE: Nah. It may be her house, but I've got the power.
TIFA: Is that so?????
Yuffie spent the rest of the day cleaning house for Tifa.
Fujin's apartment
Fujin has just finished brushing her teeth after her shower, and is in her bathroom. Her apartment looks just like any single yet busy guy's: little furniture and less stuff.
RAIJIN: Hello? Fujin? Ya here?
FUIJIN: AFFIRMATIVE.
RAIJIN: Oh, good. I was afraid you went out shopping again, ya know?
FUJIN: (comes out of the bathroom, fully dressed, including eyepatch, with wet hair and holding a ten-ton white cat who is missing an eye) NEGATIVE.
RAIJIN: (looking nervously at the cat) Got anything to eat?
FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE. HOLD PEARL. (shoves the cat into Raijin's arms)
Pearl suddenly becomes animated and proceeds to bite, claw, and hiss.
RAIJIN: (drops cat and examines himself.)
FUJIN: (getting out some bread, smiling.) LIKES YOU.
RAIJIN: Heh. No kidding. (frowns.) I think I'm bleeding. Ya got any Band-Aids, ya know?
FUJIN: (points at the bathroom.)
RAIJIN: Right. (gets a Band-Aid and then sits down on the sofa.) Why did you give her to me? You know she hates everyone but you, ya know?
FUJIN: SORRY.
RAIJIN: Look! I'm bleeding!
FUJIN: CLEAN CARPETS.
RAIJIN: What? Oh, I get it. You just had your carpets cleaned, and you don't want Pearl to get them dirty again.
FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE. (hands him a plate of toast.) BREAKFAST.
RAIJIN: Thanks, Fujin. I think you had better head on over to Seifer's now, ya know?
FUIJIN: (glances at clock) AFFIRMATIVE.
RAIJIN: I'm so glad that whole thing at the ball was just an act, ya know? I don't think I've ever seen Seifer so angry as I did the other morning when I brought him the Balamb Enquirer at ten-thirty.
FUJIN: (gets her copy of the Esthar Times off her table. She gets the paper but never reads it, so she always brings it to Seifer)
RAIJIN: You better get going. You don't want to be late, ya know?
FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE. (leaves)
At the house, in the kitchen
QUISTIS: I'm sorry, Irvine, but it's your turn to do the dishes.
IRVINE: (scowling blackly) I've got to feed my pet.
ZELL: (snorts) Some pet.
RINOA: I don't know why you make such a big deal out of it, Irvine. All you have to do is rinse the dishes and put them in the dishwasher.
ZELL: I mean, a butterfly. What kind of pet is that?
IRVINE: (offended) A perfectly good pet! The best pet for anyone!
RINOA: What about a cat?
IRVINE: I'm allergic.
RINOA: What about a dog?
IRVINE: I don't like dogs.
RINOA: Not even Angelo?
IRVINE: (looks at Angelo, who is gnawing on Rinoa's brand-new pair of blue heels that she wore to the ball and is shedding fur everywhere and drooling all over the floor.) I don't like dogs.
RINOA: (gets angry and offended and leaves.)
ZELL: And Mr. Flies-by-night. What kind of name is that?
IRVINE: It's Mr. Flutters!!!!!!
QUISTIS: No one cares, Irvine! Just do the dishes!!!
IRVINE: (muttering to himself, starts on the dishes.)
QUISTIS: (drumming her fingers on the table) You would think someone like Squall would only take a few minutes in the shower, but no.
SELPHIE: (coming in) Hey, guys! I'm gonna go roller-blade around the Garden! Who wants to come?
QUISTIS: I'll catch up later. (smiles weakly)
ZELL: Hey, yeah! Lemme get my board! (runs off)
IRVINE: Poor Mr. Flutters, starving himself to death up in his little jar...
QUISTIS: (sighs, exasperated.)
SQUALL: (comes in wearing nothing but a towel and dripping wet) Which one of you stole my clothes???!!!!!
IRVINE: (takes one look at Squall and starts laughing so hard he nearly chokes)
SELPHIE: Heeheeheeheehee!!! See ya, Squall! (she roller-blades off with a backpack on her back. A sleeve of Squall's shirt is dangling out of the bag.
SQUALL: NO!!!!
QUISTIS: (looks angry) Finally! Do you know how long I've been waiting to get into that shower???
SQUALL: (grumbles to himself and goes upstairs to put on his SeeD uniform.)
IRVINE: (pulls a huge jar with a little yellow butterfly in it out of his pocket and puts it on the counter. Pours some sugar into the jar, then turns up the radio and starts singing along as he does the dishes.) "I've got better things to do--check the air in my tires, straighten my stereo wires..."
At Shinra Headquarters
ELENA: Oh...my head.
RENO: Give me that ice pack!
RUDE: No.
RENO: Come on, please?
RUDE: No.
The Turks are recuperating after their encounter with Fuijin with their good friends Ms. Tylenol and Mr. Ice Pack. They have spent their morning so far lying around the headquarters holding ice to their most sore spots. Rude and Reno keep arguing over the best ice pack, but Rude won't give it up because he knows that Reno hurts too much to move.
TSENG: You guys are idiots. All of you.
REEVE: (who is with them just because he's injured even though he's not a Turk) Why?
TSENG: You shouldn't have laughed at the nice lady with the big sharp weapon in her pretty dress.
RENO: You mean Fujin?
RUDE: You were laughing too!
ELENA: Yeah!
TSENG: No, I wasn't. I was telling you guys not to laugh at her, but you were laughing too hard to hear me.
RUDE: No, you laughed at her too!
RENO: That's why she beat you up too!
TSENG: I'm sure it was just an awful mistake. (rubs ice on his ribs, where there are bruises in the shapes of fingers.)
ELENA: Well, it isn't our fault that you're a big stupid idiot who gets beaten up by women in bars and get blackmailed by Sephiroth and then laugh at other women and gets beaten up again...
TSENG:..........
ELENA: I mean, we just work for you, right?
Reno, Reeve, and Rude would laugh at the thought of a drunken Tseng getting beaten up by an unarmed woman in a bar, but it hurts too much so instead they lay around like blobs.
TSENG: You're all idiots. All of you.
Just outside Seifer's apartment
Just like she does every morning, Fujin knocks three times on Seifer's door and then opens it. She always knows she's welcome. Generally, if you can get Seifer's front door open and there's not a gunblade in your stomach, you're welcome. Seifer is standing in the kitchen, wearing his nasty old sweats, and making breakfast.
SEIFER: (singing in an off-key voice) "I have a girlfriend, and she is so blue." That had better be Fujin with my newspaper and not Raijin with news that Fujin's gone shopping again.
FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE.
SEIFER: Good. (picks up singing where he left off and does a weird little dance)
FUJIN: (tosses newspaper on the table, which is empty except for a mug with little drops of purple liquid in the bottom. The mug reads, "I Hijacked the Ragnorak and all I Found Was This Stupid Mug.") FISHERMAN'S HORIZON MUG?
SEIFER: Hmm? Oh, I broke it the other day when I threw it at Raijin when he brought me the wrong paper too late. (he scrapes a chicken-and-cheese omelet onto a plate) Smells good, doesn't it?
FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE.
SEIFER: (sits down and digs into his omelet) That was some party last night, wasn't it?
FUJIN: (turns off the stove and starts putting things away. Seifer likes things to be neat and clean and that's half the reason why she goes over there every morning.) AFFIRMATIVE.
SEIFER: Except for the refreshments. They were nasty. Except for that cake...that was great. But those other refreshments! They called those brownies? They were just chocolate powder with water and baked and three hundred degrees for half an hour! I know how to make real brownies!
FUJIN: (finishes cleaning up and doesn't say anything)
SEIFER: That...thing that happened to you? You know, shopping, wearing a dress, talking normally, going without your eyepatch...that wasn't an undercover thing, was it?
FUJIN: NEGATIVE. (sits down in the chair across from him)
Seifer looks very thoughtful and manages to inhale most of his omelet by the time he's done thinking.
SEIFER: I'll tell you what, Fujin.
FUJIN: WHAT?
SEIFER: If you promise me that this will never, ever happen again, we can pretend that it never happened.
FUJIN: (smiling) AFFIRMATIVE.
SEIFER: Good. Now let's never speak of these past few days again.
And they never did.