I looked at my watch for the umpteenth time in the two minutes l had been sitting in the ridiculously small cubicle. Well, right now it felt extremely small to me. As each second passed by, l felt the freshly painted white walls draw closer to me. It seemed like time was taunting me, it wanted me to go crazy with anxiety and dread. I could feel the wet little droplets of sweat on my scalp, making their way towards dripping on my forehead.
A loud ringing noise vibrated in my pocket, making me jump at the first sound I've heard in almost forever. Maybe l was exaggerating a little bit, first sound I've heard in 2 minutes. I shook my head at my patheticness and took my phone out with my shaking hands.
1 missed call: Edward
I sighed and dismissed it, looking at the time instead. The 3 minutes was up, Edward could wait. I put my phone down and picked up the little pink stick. Thinking about it now, l wouldn't have minded waiting a few more minutes. I didn't exactly want to know what future this stick held for me.
Stop being such a baby, just look and get it over with.
I wasn't exactly surprised, but that doesn't mean this was what l wanted. My tears fell freely down my cheeks silently. This could not be happening to me. Pregnancy sticks weren't always accurate right? I picked up the box on the floor in a frantic haze and turned over to the back. 98% accurate. Right! There was a 2% chance this wasn't possible. I wouldn't dismiss that 2%. Right now, that was all l had to balance on. I placed my head in my hands and sobbed. Who was l kidding? Out of all the people in the world, l would never be the 2%. There was no way in hell this was happening to me. But l suppose l sort of knew my life would result to something like this. Nothing ever went well for a long period of time for me.
I had gotten into Stanford with a miracle scholarship; I had a year left of my English degree to go and from the results of my assignments, l was doing pretty well; I had Edward. Oh god Edward! If possible, my tears fell faster than before, they were more rushed and my breath was coming out short and heavy. If l thought l was upset about this, imagine how Edward was going to feel. I was going to ruin his life; oh god l was ruining his life! Edward would hate me for this. 2months in a blissful relationship and this happens. Who has a baby together after 2months?
Edward was the kindest, most compassionate person l had ever met. He would tell me this would be okay, that we would go through this together. He would hold my hand throughout this whole entire thing and kiss my forehead like he always does when l was upset. I needed Edward.
I chucked the pregnancy stick back in the box and stuffed it in my bag. After listening if anyone else was in here, l walked out of the toilet. I wiped my tears of my face and rubbed my face gently with my hands. I looked a mess. My hair was frizzy and looked nearly as uncontrollable as Edward's. I almost smiled. Almost. I ran my hand through it quickly and decided nothing could be done about my red-rimmed eyes.
The walk to my dorm had been a small, quick one. My head was cast down as l walked but people barely looked at me. It never really bothered me that l was sort of invisible to the crowd, and right now l was extremely grateful.
"Bella?" I recognised the frantic, velvet like voice and looked up immediately. Edward was taking long strides towards me and before l could even mutter his name, l was in his arms. I wrapped my little arms around his neck and clung on to him like he would disappear if l let go. I hadn't released we were moving until Edward lay me on my bed.
"Please don't leave me," I muttered into his neck desperately. He lay beside me and wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my forehead tenderly.
"I will never leave you, my love" I sobbed harder in his arms and he sat there holding me tightly. Edward will never leave me. We could do this thing together.
I think we sat like this for at least an hour before Edward spoke.
"You should get some rest, sweetheart. It will calm your nerves." He was gently running his hands through my hair repeatedly. It was relaxing and calmed me down just a little bit. By now, l had stopped crying but my breathing was still heavy. I was in fact pretty tired but I didn't want to close my eyes. If l did, Edward would be gone.
"I won't leave you Bella. I will be still be here when you open those beautiful little eyes of yours." I moved a little closer to Edward, clinging on to him tightly. I believed him, and l was tired. I was nodding in his chest and felt myself drift into blackness.
My dreams were filled with cries, sadness and loss. I couldn't grasp what l had lost, but when l woke up l didn't really care to think about it. Edward was still running his long, piano fingers through my hair. He smiled gently at me and sat up.
"Are you feeling better now?" he asked kindly, he frowned slightly. I was feeling a little bit better. I cleared my throat and smiled sadly at him.
"Edward, l-l," I could feel the tears welling in my eyes remembering my current situation. Edward frown deepened as he looked at me in concern.
"You don't have to tell me now, Bella. We can talk about this later." Edward was so caring and sweet. I don't know what l did to deserve a guy like him. He cared about me and my wellbeing, and didn't demand to know things. I could tell he was extremely curious and concerned but had my welfare in front row.
"How about we order pizza from that place you like and watch a film of your choice?" I nodded slightly and Edward pulled out his phone. He didn't really like pizza that much; he was more of a caviar type of guy. But again, he was doing things to make me feel better. I didn't want to hold this back from him any longer than l had to. I knew he needed to know soon because l had to sort out a doctor's appointment pretty soon. I needed to see if l was that 2%. I looked up towards Edward who was mumbling the order on his blackberry.
I sighed and leaned against my wall.
Edward kneeled in front of me and lifted my chin up. "You're going to be okay, baby. Whatever this is- we'll get through it together alright?" he leaned in towards me and gently kissed me on the cheek, leaving my face hot. I blushed as he caressed my flaming cheek with his finger.
"There's my angel," he smiled at me and stood up.
When the pizza arrived, Edward brought it towards me and almost instantly, l felt the same feeling in my stomach as my breakfast came up my throat fast. I ran past Edward and towards the little toilet cubicle l had next to my room. I kneeled on my knees and released my breakfast. I hadn't realised Edward had followed me and was now holding my hair up. I flushed the toilet and leaned against the wall, feeling weak and fragile. Edward sat down next to me and grabbed my hand.
"I'm starting to get seriously worried Bella. Maybe we should go see a doctor now or something."
"There's no need," My voice came out dry and groggy. I coughed slightly and leaned my head against the wall.
"Of course there is! I don't know about you, but this looks like an-" Before he could finish his sentence, l held my finger up and leaned against the toilet once more, there goes my lunch. This time, l threw up a couple of times before l could properly hold myself.
"You can go Edward. You don't want to see this," I spoke with my elbows on either side of the toilet seat and my head downwards. Edward chuckled beside me, holding my hair up.
"I'm not going anywhere without you Bella." I threw up once more before l could properly stand. Edward wasn't having that though; he tugged my pony tail downwards and lay my head on his lap.
"What did l ever do to deserve you Edward?" I asked him weakly, coughing some more.
"You're my world, Isabella. I hope you know that." He spoke quietly, yet strongly towards me. Only 2months into our relationship and were already here. I couldn't help but feel like he was my world too. I wouldn't function anymore without Edward.
I sat on the uncomfortable bed inside Dr. George's office. It had taken me a few days to get myself together and come here, but here l was. Dr. George took a few samples and left the room a couple of minutes ago. I would find out if l was that 2% today and l was sort of dreading it. I had been living on that hope for the last few days and if she took my hope away- l have no idea how else l would be able to function anymore.
She strode back in the room with that sympathetic look in her eyes. No, no, no no, no! I knew what that look was. I knew what that look meant. I shook my head and looked down at the ground, as the tears that had stopped falling hours ago reappeared.
"I'm sorry Bella. I know this is a little hard for you but there are ways you can deal with this." She walked closer to me and handed me some leaflets.
I took the leaflets and mumbled a quick thank you before walking out of the room quickly.
"Bella?" I froze in my position and closed my eyes tightly.
"Bella what are you doing here?" Edward moved closer to me and placed his hand gently on my shoulders that were now shaking. He spun me around gently and frowned.
"What's wrong, Bella?" he asked concerned. I was hiccupping and snort was running from my noise, my tears falling faster than l thought. I brought my hand to my mouth.
"What are those?" he grabbed the leaflets from my hand before l could explain. This wasn't how l had planned this to happen. This wasn't how l wanted him to know. I watched his face scrunch up in confusion before realisation dawned upon him.
"What are these?" he asked warily he knew, but he wanted me to say it.
"Not here, Edward," I whispered weakly and looked around as people walked past us slowly, watching us. Edward strode past me and l hurriedly followed after him. He went straight towards his Volvo and got in. I opened the door and sat in the passenger seat.
"say it," he demanded with a hint of anger in his voice.
"don't make me, please Edward. I-I can't!" I didn't want to say it. Saying it would make it reality and l wasn't ready for that.
"say it Isabella!" the hint was now gone, l could hear the pure anger in his voice. I shook my head and placed it in my arms, sobbing. My 2% hope was out of the window now and this was real. This was happening. He was really angry. He only called me Isabella when he was angry at me.
Edward grabbed my wrist and jolted my head upwards at him. His eyes had gone darker than usual proving his rage. He gripped my hand tightly, it was beginning to hurt. I tried to release it but he just gripped it tighter.
"You're hurting me Edward!"
"Say it!"
"I'm pregnant," I whispered shakily. Right this moment, l was petrified of Edward. He released my hand and ran his hands through his hair frantically.
"I was so stupid! The sickness, it was right in front of me! How could l have been so reckless!" he pulled at his bronze locks roughly. I wanted to touch him and tell him that it was okay. I really did, but l wasn't sure of that myself. Edward was my rock throughout all of this and he was falling apart in front of me.
We sat in his car for what felt like hours before one of us moved. Edward was looking down at the leaflets; l was looking out the window.
"You're getting an abortion." Edward finalised, tossing the leaflet towards me. I looked down at it in disgust and shock. I wasn't much of a religious type of person but l didn't think abortions were ethical. This thing inside of me wasn't even formed yet but it was well on its way. I had no right to kill it and l was extremely hurt that Edward didn't feel like that. I was 19 and by the time this baby was born, l would be 20. I couldn't be classified as a teenage mom, but that really didn't make me feel better. I didn't have much money to look after this baby but it was mine. I may not be ready for this, but there was no way l would kill it. There were people out there less fortunate than me who couldn't even get pregnant. I could help them, adoption was a good thing. But was it for the best for the baby? Would it grow up hating me for giving them up or thank me? I didn't have much to give but l watched TV. I saw how hard it was for mothers to give up their baby.
I didn't realise Edward had pulled out of the parking lot and had started driving a completely different route to the dorms.
"Where are we going Edward?" I asked him groggily. He ignored me completely, didn't even blink as he looked straight.
"Edward? Where are we going?" I asked him again. I sat back in my seat and sighed. I don't know what l was really expecting when l was going to tell Edward. I suspected a little anger but this, this I did not expect.
Edward started driving slowly as he pulled up at a parking lot. He swiftly got out of the car and walked over to my door before l could open it. He grabbed my wrist and began walking fast towards the building. I couldn't keep up with him and kept tripping over my own feet.
"Edward, Edward slow down! You're hurting me!" his pace slowed down a little bit and l shook my head and looked up at the building.
Phoenix Abortion centre.
I yanked my hand out of his grip and stood still.
"Isabella, come on!" I moved my gaze from the sign and towards Edward. I looked at him in disbelief.
"they have spaces, but only a few. We can start this thing and end it quickly." He reached out to grip my arm and l stepped back from him.
"I'm not going in there!" I spoke strongly. I was shocked that my voice sounded almost normal.
"Get a fucking grip and walk!"
"Don't patronize me Edward! I'm not going in there! And I'm not getting an abortion."
"You're not thinking straight. You're just stressed and l understand sweetie, l really do. But we have to do this now, okay?" he didn't look sincere at all, he looked a little calmer than before but the anger was still there.
"I know your upset about this Edward, but we can do this together." I reached for his arm and he flinched back in disgust.
"I'm not doing any of this! You know what? Suit yourself!" he shook his head and angrily walked back to his car, yanking the door open and speeding out of the parking lot.
I stood there shocked, heartbroken and surprised.
He was going to come back.
He was going to come back.
He was going to come back.
He never came back.
I was in that parking lot for at least a few hours waiting for Edward to come back and say he didn't mean it. And he never did. He never came back for me.
I was so hurt and ashamed. I ended up catching a bus back to the dorms and wallowing in self pit. I cried myself to sleep for nights.
Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. I called, he never answered. I went to his dorm- he was never there.
3months after that day, there was a knock on my door and a card.
I never really deserved you, l know that now.
I will never forgive myself for what I'm doing to you, to what I've done to you.
I'm so sorry Isabella,
I hope your life goes towards the directions you have always desired.
Don't call me or look for me anymore.
This is it for you and l.
Please look after yourself. Don't do anything reckless because l won't be there to catch you anymore.