A/N: I started writing this story months ago. Two prompts from tumblr were my inspiration: "Peanut's got a secret" and "Regina has the irrational fear that robin's baby doesn't lifke her." Thank you so much for the prompts and I'm sorry it took me that long to actually write them. Real life got in the way, and then my insecurities, but now here's the story!
Thank you Alexia (the-notsoevil-queeen) for checking the initial form of the story, Franzi (soligblomma), Ewa (white-little-devil) and Julie (deuxieme-etoile-a-droite) for telling me your opinion and encouraging me, and once again Franzi for checking the final story.
I have a secret. I think about it as I blow out the candles on my birthday cake. I think about it and make it my wish. I close my eyes firmly for a moment, praying that it comes true.
The moment is over and my mother takes the cake away. My heart beats fast and my hands get sweaty from the anxious feeling I get as I think about the continuation of my secret plan. I just have to wait for a few hours, eat some cake, make sure she thinks I'm in my room studying and get back to preparing for Operation Always. That's how Henry used to name every important mission, Operation Something, and even though I've spent the last few years without him protecting me and teaching me new things, my oldest brother's habit has remained with me through my entire childhood and even now that I've grown up. It's also a way for me to remember him; sometimes I miss him way too much.
She calls me from the kitchen and I follow the sound of her voice.
"I have a surprise for you," she says as she takes the burnt candles away from the chocolate frosting. "We're going to spend the whole day out of here, together."
She smiles at me and her smile doesn't look fake, but I know it isn't a completely honest one either. I don't know how to explain it, but I'm sure about it because she's not my real mom. My real mom's smile was bright and warm every time she looked at me. But my real mom isn't here and I have to find her. That's why I can't be with this mother for the rest of the day.
"But I don't feel like going out. Can't I just go straight to my room?" I complain.
"Come on, Peanut. You're going to love it, I promise," she says and caresses my cheek with her thumb.
I move back slightly, trying not to make it too obvious that I don't want her to touch me because I'm not hers to touch. My nickname isn't hers either and she shouldn't use it. It's been a couple of years since I've known about the real story of my birth, but even after all that time of my birth mother trying to show me that she loves me, I'm still not convinced.
I sigh dramatically and she rolls her eyes, something that they've told me I sometimes do. I used to love it because it was a family thing, but now I don't like it because she does it, too.
Eventually I agree to go with her and I think that the smile she gives me this time is one of the most sincere ones I've seen on her face.
After we eat some cake – a sweet delicious surprise in this otherwise boring party – we leave everyone else behind and go up the stairs. I'm still reluctant to go with her, knowing that each minute away from my room takes me away from Operation Always. I look right and left, trying to find a way out, but there's no one here to save me, nowhere to hide now that she is right behind me, expecting me to keep going. Tears fill my eyes, but I can't let her see me cry. And with each step, another piece of my secret wish crumbles before me.
::::::
My movements are hurried and a little clumsy. I'm still shaken from my breakdown, but I feel a little better and I have to do this today. I clean the kitchen, annoyed by the mess, but grateful that I have all those people here with me despite the mess they make.
Robin left for the sheriff's station a few minutes ago, all worried glances and reassuring touches until he closed the door behind him. I still feel guilty about what happened earlier, because I know in days like today he's as emotional as I am and it's not fair that he has to comfort me when I can't do anything for him. He says my wellbeing is important for him though, and most of the time I believe him.
Henry has been back for a few weeks and this time it looks like he's staying. He has graduated from college and traveled the world. He has discovered new places and he hasn't stopped discovering himself either, making me proud of every step of his journey towards becoming an author (he was already the Author, but he's writing books for the Land Without Magic this time, no magic quill, just his intelligent imaginative mind). He is now asleep upstairs and that's alright because he needs rest after an exhausting night of all of us researching and perfecting every aspect of the plan. My heart clenches when I think about my little prince not fitting in his childhood bed anymore. He's grown up too fast, but at least he's alright and here; that's all that matters.
I hear shuffling from the staircase and I know it's Roland. My little knight is now sixteen years old, not that little anymore either. When I look at him, I still see the boy I met in the Enchanted Forest so many years ago. Dark unruly curls, dimples exactly like his dad's and an expressive face that captivated me from the first moment I laid eyes on him. He is now my son just like Henry is, and he's one of the kindest and most mature teenagers I've ever met.
He comes into the kitchen as I'm drying the last dishes. I pass him a peanut butter sandwich and he kisses my cheek, a grateful smile on his face.
"Did you think I would let you go without breakfast? I knew you would leave without eating properly otherwise," I tell him and chuckle as he's already munching on the bread.
Roland shrugs. "It's already late. Waking up wasn't that easy."
I sigh. "I know. Your dad and I told you that you can skip school today. You can still do it if you want to," I tell him, forgetting my own struggles and focusing on how tired Roland looks, not only from the lack of sleep but from everything that's been going on.
Roland shakes his head. "I won't do that. I prefer to act like it's a normal day."
After he leaves, I tidy the living room as fast as I can, thinking about the paperwork I have to finish today. Maybe I should try to do what Roland said, act like it's a normal day. Until the night comes…
I put on my heels and my coat, and grab my purse, turning towards the living room once again. I see my daughter smiling at me and I go to her. I smile at her, trying my hardest not to cry. It's her birthday today. She's eleven years old and she still looks so young. I can't believe how quickly time passes. Tears well up in my eyes and I'm trying to keep them at bay so that she doesn't see me like that.
"Happy birthday, sweetheart," I whisper to her, trying to convey all my love for her in those three words.
She keeps smiling, but she doesn't say anything.
I gather myself and my feelings, and head to the front door. I glance one last time at the living room and blow a kiss to Peanut's photo.
::::::
My mother who is not my real mom takes me to the roof of the castle. I've been in Oz for two years and although I hate this place with every fiber of my being, I have to admit that everything looks beautiful from up here. Buildings and sculptures of every shape and size decorate this realm and they're all blending in with its green tint that makes it look even darker than Storybrooke's gloomiest day.
I miss the sun.
I miss the rainy days in the forest and the rare warm days at the beach.
I miss home.
It wasn't my choice to leave Storybrooke, but I had to do it. There were forces of evil that wanted my magic and my parents decided it was best for me to stay away. My birth mother, Zelena, was there when it happened. She helped my parents and my aunts and uncles, and tried to stop it, but they failed. The danger was approaching us fast and Mom suggested that I should go to another realm. I panicked. She did, too. But both my parents talked to me and I understood. I accepted it despite the fact that it hurt and I didn't want to go. Zelena offered to take me with her to her realm. There were a lot of arguments and discussions between my parents and her until they agreed. And then we left. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.
From the moment I arrived, I've wanted to go back. My heart tells me that my family wants the same thing, even now that it has been such a long time since I've seen them. Once it was easier to travel between realms, that's what they've told me. But the objects they used to use are now destroyed – the magic beans, the dark wand, the slippers – and I thought there was no way to go back without them. After months of studying I found a way and now Zelena's surprise is interfering with my secret mission.
There's a man, one of Zelena's servants, fidgeting with something at the edge of the roof. He turns to us and smiles, revealing his teeth in a creepy way.
"You look more like your mother with every day that passes, Princess Nadia," the man says and once again I want to cry. I know I don't look like Zelena at all. At least I don't see it. I look like Dad – Mom used to say that to me – I have his eyes and his hair color, and my favorite thing: his dimples. And the way I move and behave, I took all that from my real Mom as Dad always said. It was the best compliment coming from the two of them, but what the man just said feels like the worst curse.
Zelena gestures to the man to leave us alone and I finally see what the surprise is. There's a carpet on the roof's floor and Zelena steps on it and takes a seat, motioning for me to join her. Frowning, confused about it and not exactly trusting her, I tentatively step on the fluffy surface and sit beside her.
It feels quite comfortable. Then suddenly the floor is moving beneath us. I look down in slight horror and realize that it's not the floor that's moving; it's the carpet.
It's a magical carpet!
It's green with a few yellow and black designs, and it looks bigger than the one Aladdin and Jasmine had, but other than that it feels amazing and the memory of watching one of my favorite movies with my family brings a huge smile on my face.
"So, do you like the surprise?"
A big hopeful smile appears on Zelena's face, but mine falters when the pleasant memory disappears and I face reality again.
"It's very nice, thank you," I say, nodding. "Where are we going?" I ask, hoping that we'll be back before nightfall.
"Wherever you want!" she says like she doesn't know the place where I want to go is Storybrooke.
I look at Zelena and try to decide what to do.
Zelena has magic, strong dark magic, but not as strong as Mom's light magic. They've both taught me how to use mine; that's one thing I'm grateful for when it comes to my birth mother. Since I've come here, she's been teaching me constantly. Sometimes a wicked smile crosses her face when she uses her magic, but when she looks at me it disappears. And then she's teaching me again and that's how I've gotten this far in Operation Always. I wouldn't have been able to create this secret plan if I didn't know how to control bad magic as well. But can dark magic actually be bad when you use it for something good?
A few months after my tenth birthday, I realized that I was in the age Henry was when he found Aunt Emma. That's when I thought I could do that, too. I was old enough to start my own quest and I would find a way to get back to my family. I spent days and nights studying magic and reading forbidden books in the library. I guess Zelena was too excited that I was so interested in magic, too focused on teaching me, that she didn't understand I was actually preparing for Operation Always.
I decide to enjoy the journey for the moment and be back in the castle as soon as possible to finally complete my secret mission.
"To the forest," I say dreamily, and even though a shadow covers Zelena's eyes, she accepts my desire and we're flying towards the endless sea of green.
::::::
I'm drowning in paperwork and the hours go by more quickly than I expected. I'm trying to finish a week's work in a day – I've spent the biggest part of the past week planning every detail of Operation Peanut – and also to distract myself until it gets dark. I believe I've mostly succeeded, despite the numerous times I stopped working and looked into nothing, thinking about my precious girl and what could go wrong with the plan.
No one, apart from Robin and Snow, has contacted me the entire morning and I appreciate that. I asked them not to make a big deal out of Nadia's birthday, not to grieve like we all did last year. This time will be different; this time we'll get her back. I didn't want to talk to anyone anyway and nor did I want them near me if I had another breakdown.
Snow texted me a few hours ago, letting me know that she's here if I need her. I already knew that and I have mixed feelings about her message. I was annoyed and wanted to tell her when I saw it on my phone, but on the other hand I felt familiar warmth in the thought of how much she cares about me. I ended up thanking her and saying we would see each other in the evening as planned.
Robin and I texted a few times, alternating roles of one worrying about one other. He was calm – maybe too calm – this morning when he saw me crying on the bathroom floor and I know it was because he needed to be that way for me. His last message proved that that isn't exactly the case anymore and I can't wait to see him, to make sure he'll be alright.
I finish my work in the afternoon and call Henry. He reassures me that Roland got home from school, they had lunch together and they'll be in the house until we all meet later.
Robin texts me to meet him at the edge of the forest. I transfer myself there with a dose of magic and see him standing in front of me, his eyes red and puffy, and insistent frown lines evident on his forehead.
I wrap my arms around his neck and he wraps his around my waist. We hold each other tightly, crying against each other for a few minutes. Robin's body stops shaking, but I feel mine still convulsing even though there are no more tears left in me. He holds me until I find my breath again.
We walk until we reach our log and we sit there side by side, away from prying eyes and controlling mouths. I let my head fall on his shoulder and he slips an arm around my back, rubbing soothing circles on my spine. Even through all the layers of clothes his touch is comforting and finally I feel like I can express my fears.
"I'm scared," I say.
"So am I," he answers.
"What if she doesn't want to see me anymore?" I ask before I can stop myself. "What if she doesn't like me?"
"Regina…"
"No, forget I said that. The important thing is to get our daughter back. Her being healthy and happy is the only thing that matters. I was just being selfish for a moment," I say and lift my head to look into his eyes. I see compassion and understanding, and it's one of the moments my love for him feels stronger than ever.
"Having doubts isn't unreasonable, love. But there is nothing to be afraid of. You'll see, once we get her back everything will be alright. We're her parents, we're both her parents, and Nadia knows that," Robin says, another tear falling from his eye.
"I know that. But that doesn't stop me from being worried," I tell him, lifting my hand to his cheek and wiping the lone tear with my thumb. "When we had to let her go it killed me inside, but what's killing me even more now is the fact that she might think I wanted her to go."
Robin sighs. "She was scared when she left with Zelena. But she's a clever girl and she knew it was for her own good. Her voice said she was angry, but the hug she gave each of us showed how she really felt."
And he's right. That's my last memory of Peanut. Her small arms circling my middle and holding on like she never wanted to let go. Her tears wetting my shirt while I planted kisses against her hair.
I stand up quickly, more determined than ever, and extent my hand for Robin to take it.
Back at our house we find the boys in the living room, watching old videos of all of us together. We sit with them for a while and then together we decorate the birthday cake I made last night.
A few hours later Snow, David and Neal arrive. We keep in contact with everyone else to make sure they're in the spots they were assigned to. Emma and the fairies will be a big help by providing part of the magic we'll need to create the portal to Oz. My light magic is strong enough and I could probably do it on my own, but by choosing three different spots in the town we increase our possibilities to actually open the portal. Traveling through magical realms might have been easy years ago, but things changed after the last big threat we've encountered in the form of a mystified water monster, the creature that destroyed the most common ways to cross realms and the reason why we had to send Peanut away. We've tried several times and several different ways to access Oz (nothing successful) and this time we're confident that it will work. We've found an ancient spell made of light magic and love, which in combination with Zelena's dark magic on the other side, could do wonders and give us the portal we need.
The rest of the evening goes by in a blur. I'm trying to concentrate on the plan and not let my feelings bring me down. I can't afford that right now, I need to be strong for Nadia. Tears are blinding my vision again though, while terrible images of Operation Peanut not working and my daughter staying in another world forever fill my mind.
Suddenly I feel a strong hand on my shoulder. I turn my head around and see Henry.
"It's going to be okay, Mom. It's going to work," my little prince tells me and I want to believe him. I hug him for a moment, trying to absorb as much hope from him as I can.
Henry follows Snow, David and Neal upstairs, holding the needed magic candles and a box of matches, and he gives us a signal when it's time. Two more signals can be heard from our walkies and Robin, Roland and I take our places at the front of the house. When we know everyone has lit their candles, I start releasing my magic. I think about that precious little girl who changed our lives, about all the wonderful moments we've had with Nadia over the years, and the love I have for her is pouring out of me as the brightest light magic.
It only takes moments for an explosion to occur and all the lights go off in the house behind me. I run to the street to check what has happened. I can feel that everyone has followed me – even the Charmings have gotten out of the house – but my heartbeat sounds so loud in my ears that I can't hear what they're saying. We look at the sky for any sign of magic, but there's nothing.
A heavy desperate feeling has already started forming in my chest and this time I'm not sure I'll be able to handle it. Robin's hand comes to rest at the small of my back and the next moment there's light again.
And then I see it.
::::::
I feel something I haven't felt in a long time and I don't know how to define it. It's that tingling feeling I got the first time I rode a horse, the first time I shot an arrow, the first time I swam in the ocean. It's thrilling and somehow it makes me feel safe, unlike flying on a broomstick. Flying on those unstable pieces of wood is scary and I want to tell that to Zelena again, but now it's not the right time; I don't want her to get angry with me and suddenly decide against going to the forest.
The weather is nice, warm, but dark as usual. The air hits my face and shuffles my hair gently. After flying in a wide open circle above Oz, we enter the forest – well, we fly above the forest. For a moment I'm apprehensive about crashing on the trees and I wonder how we'll land, but then the magic carpet slows down and passes through the branches and leaves carefully. My lips curve in a smile when I remember that I can trust magic and I shouldn't be afraid of it. That's what Mom told me since the day the first white sparkle escaped from my fingertips and that's what I always have in my mind when I'm performing magic, even when it's dark.
We land gently – not exactly land, just hover a few inches above the ground. It's the perfect height for me to jump off the carpet and that's what I do. Once my feet touch the ground, I feel my shoes sink in the mud and it's wonderful. The air smells of humidity and pine and it gives me chills. Although it's obvious that this isn't Storybrooke's forest (the pine trees could confuse me, but I can still see the green sky, so I definitely know), I think I like it.
"Don't get yourself dirty," Zelena says in a shrill voice, appearing suddenly in front of me.
I huff and turn away from her; I just want to cherish my time in the only place in Oz that feels like home. I take a few tentative steps forward and look back at Zelena to see her try one of her encouraging smiles. I'll take it for now. I start running and feel a bit of magic forming behind me. I stop, turn my head back towards Zelena and shrug innocently. I wasn't going to run away, not now anyway.
I start running again and this time I make a full circle around the carpet without any distractions. I try to get used to the feeling of the earth beneath my feet again; it's been months. There's a lightness in my heart and it doesn't falter when Zelena follows me around like it's her job to prevent me from enjoying my time here.
After running and jumping and dancing – I feel like a kid again, it wasn't like that when I was contemplating the last details of Operation Always this morning – in between the tall trees for what seems like hours, I flop down on the ground, trying to catch my breath with a wide smile planted on my face. I hear Zelena groan, but I don't pay attention to her; her bringing me here was her gift to me and now that she has let me begin to enjoy myself I know that we won't have to leave soon, she'll just let me be here, otherwise I can be cranky and she doesn't want that.
I lie on the ground and Zelena sits on the carpet a few feet beside me. I look up at the misty sky through the branches and dark leaves. The sun appears every once in a while, a blinding orb in all the grey and green, reminding me that my family sees the same sun and even if it disappears behind the clouds it keeps warming them and me.
New tears form in my eyes when they visit my thoughts again. I close my eyelids and feel the wetness slide down the sides of my face and into my hair. I try breathing slowly – in and out, in and out – to calm down like Mom taught me when I had problems with controlling my magic. I don't have such problems now, but if I don't calm down I'll start sobbing because I miss them all so much.
I imagine the perfect day in my forest. The leaves are greener despite the green tint of Oz that is absent in Storybrooke. The sky is blue and there are a few clouds here and there. Dad and Mom are there, Henry and Roland, too. I'm practicing archery with Dad, getting better and better and earning proud glances from him, while Henry and Roland are discussing everything and nothing, maybe playing videogames because they can't stay away from them, not even when they're in the breathtaking forest. Mom is preparing lunch for all of us, something quick and easy to fill us until we're back in our house, her smile one of the safest images I still hold in my heart. We'll go horseback riding after lunch and that makes my heart skip a beat; it's one of our favorite activities that we do together. We'll ride slowly, enjoying the scenery and our time together, and then Mom and Dad will start teasing each other and end up competing who will run faster. We'll lie on the ground close to one another, our horses resting nearby and the satisfying smiles not leaving our faces.
"NADIA!"
I hear my name and I sit up startled. There's a loud "woosh" sounding from the sky, and I realize I dozed off and now I'm not sure what's happening. Apparently Zelena doesn't know either because there's a panicked – though controlled – look on her face and she's staring at where the loud noise came from.
And then I see it.
::::::
I wish someone warned you about how fiercely you can love a child and how empty your life is without them. I've felt that so many times throughout my life and there's no greater pain than saying goodbye to your child, even if you know you're doing it for their safety, for their benefit. I can still feel my little Peanut's tears beneath my fingertips, I can still hear her sobs in my head and it's breaking my heart.
But now there's hope – and I hate myself for thinking that, because we've hoped before and we've failed before – and now it's actual tangible hope, appearing up on the sky in the form of a magical portal, waiting to be opened. It's that hope and my fierce love for my daughter that have me exploding with light magic a second later, trying to give the portal all the energy it needs to open.
It feels like the protection spell I created around the castle in the Enchanted Forest, back when I thought I had lost Henry forever and I couldn't admit, not even to myself, that what I used with the thought of him was a hint of light magic. But light magic is second nature to me now and I'm used to helping and protecting the people I love this way. Love isn't weakness; it's what gives me strength to keep going when everything else fails.
And then it dawns on me. I'm not the only one who can use their love for Nadia to help her. I can do it – the narrow hole of the portal is already expanding – but I imagine how incredibly powerful it would be if all of us helped her. I look back at my family, making sure I don't move my hands so that I won't lose my aim. Robin and the boys are standing a few feet behind me, and I give them a small smile, gesturing slightly with my head towards the portal. Robin looks at me questioningly, and I turn my attention back to the magic, believing that they didn't understand. Before I even finish that thought, I feel Robin's hands rest on my shoulders and the boys' hands grip each of my arms, everyone circling me with warmth and even more strength.
::::::
I avert my eyes at first, because it's bright, too bright for my blurred from sleep vision.
"It can't be," Zelena says, a petrified look on her face. It's unusual for her to panic like that.
My fear and also my curiosity don't let me look away for long. I rub my eyes furiously and try again. The light has spread across the sky and it's now a wide circle.
"Nadia!"
I hear my name again, this time from another voice, a deeper one and yet so much softer and utterly familiar. I let out a dry sob, my body unable to keep up with all the emotions Mom's voice brings to me.
And then I get it. It's the spell, the ancient one with the strongest magic, the one that was the center of Operation Always. The other end is already open and all I have to do it use dark magic –
I don't even think about my next move and a second later my hands are raised and aiming towards the portal.
"What are you doing?" Zelena yells in the high voice she has when she's angry.
"I have to go back!" I tell her, finding it hard to concentrate on anything but my magic. I see the darkness reaching the portal and I feel it colliding with something powerful, something that almost throws me on the ground. Zelena catches me and, holding me with my back against her chest, she whispers something, a spell I think.
"No, no, no, no, no!" I say as I start crying when I realize she's absorbing my magic. "Please…"
I whimper and then I see the bright light again, shining through the portal. I'm trying to move, to do something to reach it, but I can't. It's too far up the sky and the witch holds me down. I turn my head to look at her with pleading eyes and manage to see the bewildered look in hers before it changes to something I've never seen before. She stands up and pulls me with her, never breaking our magical connection, although she doesn't take any more of my magic, we just share it now. She loosens her hold on my shoulders, letting her hand fall and the fingers of one of her hands weave through mine. Her face is expressionless, frozen even, but she gives me a nod and I think I understand.
We both turn to the portal at the same time, our dark magic seeping through our linked hands and going straight to the light.
::::::
Our magic is powerful and the hole is spreading more quickly now. There's resistance from the other side, weak but still there. It falters for a few minutes and we automatically retreat, stopping the flow of light energy.
I hear Snow's gasp from behind me and I exchange worried looks with everyone around me. Robin inhales a shuddered breath and squeezes my shoulders encouragingly. I shake my head, coming back to my senses, and raise my hands again.
The light magic comes out strong and then there's connection again, an impressive thing that feels strangely familiar. Is it Zelena's magic? Could it be Peanut's magic? A laugh of relief breaks through me, because I don't care who is doing it; we're finally opening a portal to Oz and once we get there we're going to defeat everyone and everything that stands between us and Nadia.
::::::
There's an explosion and I'm about to fall back again, but Zelena steadies me, holding my hand more tightly, and urges me towards the magical carpet. We jump on it and we're flying to the portal.
We're flying back home.
The sky seems far, so far away, but I'll reach the portal no matter what. The magical carpet speeds up and I think I made it do that.
We reach the portal after a few minutes of flying and it's wide enough for both of us. I'm not sure if Zelena should come with me, but she just helped me and having lived with her for two years, I don't think I'm ready to let her go. That thought surprises me, because I was sure I didn't want to see her ever again. But the most important thing is to go to my family and if I have them I don't mind my birth mother sticking around as well.
We make it through the portal and everything is shaking and blurred by flashing colors for a moment. I've been through one before, so it doesn't scare me. When the feeling of dizziness is gone, I know we've passed through and we're in my world. We're in Storybrooke! My heart beats fast from excitement and anticipation.
The magical carpet flies slowly on the night sky and I take a moment to look around, to make sure it's real. The sky is dark, almost black, but there's a hint of orange and purple in the horizon which proves that the sun set not long ago. No green tint at all – we're here! Hundreds of stars decorate the night sky and I've missed them so much, and my grin almost splits my face in half. I'm crying again, this time happy tears.
Zelena urges the carpet to go down and as we're approaching the ground, I start seeing lights. Let them be from Storybrooke, I think, and then the top of the clock tower appears before my eyes and I'm ecstatic.
The magic carpet turns and flies towards our house. It lands smoothly at the edge of our street and I stumble, almost falling, trying to get off hurriedly. I don't even look back, but Zelena doesn't say anything, not protesting, not yelling – it wouldn't matter if she did so, because I'm home now – and I just take off, leaving her to decide what she wants to do.
I run and run, feeling like I'll never get there. But I am getting there. My feet are tired and I'm panting, but when I'm halfway there, I see our house, grand and marvelous like always, and I'm running even faster.
And then I notice them on the street in front of it. Mom turns her head towards me, suddenly looking like she has trouble breathing normally and I'm worried about her. Dad calls out my name and it's like heaven in my ears, Henry and Roland are grinning widely, probably as widely as I am, and Aunt Snow and Uncle Charming are standing close to my parents with my best friend Neal, hugging one another.
I don't even realize that I've stopped until I see my family running towards me instead. I don't have time to catch my breath before I'm surrounded with love and comfort from the people I've missed so much.
I'm the center of a circle of tangled arms and tears of relief and happiness. I don't know who is saying what, but I don't care. I'm where I'm supposed to be.
There's a kiss on my forehead and then another one, reassuring hands on my back, ruffling of my hair, and a chorus of "Welcome home, Peanut" and "We missed you, Nadia". I'm touching and hugging anyone I can reach, saying how much I missed them, too, in between sobs. Someone hands me a handkerchief and I take it gratefully to blow my nose. What I experience afterwards is astonishing. As my nostrils open up, I breathe the humid air of home. It smells like apples and cinnamon, like forest and sea, and it's the final realization that I'm actually here.
Suddenly there are more people, all familiar voices and blurry faces. Mom tells them to back off, her voice firm (I know it as her protective voice). She takes my hand and pulls me into a hug.
"Mom," I say into her chest, because I just need to say it out loud.
"You've gotten so tall," Mom says as she pulls away a little to look at me and I giggle because I just had the same thought. She kisses my hair again and again, and then my forehead and both my cheeks.
"Let me look at you," she tells me and I reluctantly break our hug.
My hand lingers on her arm because I don't want to spend a second longer without touching her. Mom bends down and cradles my head, her hands soft and warm against my wet cheeks. I notice that there's some wetness on her cheeks as well, but that doesn't stop me from closing the distance and kissing them, having missed her so much.
"I'm sorry, Peanut. I'm so sorry," Mom says as she starts crying again.
"It's okay, Mom. I'm here now," I tell her, not understanding what she's sorry for. She didn't do anything wrong. I decide to ask her.
"Because I – we – sent you away, sweetheart. We did it to keep you safe, but… I know it was hard for all of us, but it was the right thing to do. And I'm sorry you had to find out about your birth mother like that." Mom finishes, swallowing a sob.
Oh. "But I've already forgotten about all that, Mom. Now I just want to be with you and Dad and my brothers and my friends," I say, unable to contain my smile through the tears that continue to fall freely.
Mom laughs and hugs me again.
I'm here and they're here. Always.
::::::
"I love you so much, my little girl," I say to my daughter as I try to breathe her in and touch her as much as possible to make sure she's actually here with me. I love her soft hair (it's much longer than I remember), her still innocent eyes even after they've seen so much, her big warm heart that envelopes everyone and gives her the ability to love and forgive. I know now that my fear about her not accepting me as her mother anymore was irrational, but how could I think of anything else after the way we left things? She was crying and pleading to stay with us, but we knew it was too dangerous; it was her magic they were trying to destroy because she has been incredibly powerful since the moment she was born.
Now, two years since she left for Oz, I'm thankful that she is alright, but regretful because I've missed so much of her growing up. What Snow did for Emma when she was still a baby comes to my mind and I completely understand how she must have felt when she saw her all grown up. I have felt that twice; once with Henry and now with Nadia.
I realize I'm still holding on to her and reluctantly I let her go. She flashes me a sweet smile and I watch her go to Robin. He envelopes her into his arms, a few tears of joy running down his face. He pulls away slightly and looks at her with adoration and pride. He brings his hands up on her face and touches her dimples, his own dimples showing as well when he smiles at her.
"I tried to do everything I could to keep her safe."
I hear Zelena's voice from behind me. I turn around and see her, a flying carpet following her casually. She's looking at the heartwarming scene in front of us.
"I know. Thank you," I tell her honestly. I hesitate for a moment before inviting her into our home.
"If Nadia doesn't mind, I would like to be near her," she says.
She looks calm, something I know she has worked hard to achieve. I also know that we're far from being okay with each other, but I don't have the mind to think about my relationship with Zelena right now.
I look back to Peanut who is trying to hug both Henry and Roland at the same time. The sound of my kids laughing makes me feel blessed. I can't help but laugh with them. I join my family right when Henry mentions 'Operation Peanut'.
"No! It was 'Operation Always'!" Nadia says and looks around until she finds me and then Robin and gives both of us another bright smile.
I take a few steps until I reach my husband and he automatically takes hold of my hand. We look at each other, a moment of communication that only we understand. 'Always' is something we've been saying to each other for a long time. Because no matter what happens around us, no matter what we have to deal with, we're always there for each other. That's something we've tried to incorporate into our entire family.
Well, I guess Robin and I aren't the only ones who understand and that's amazing. What I once told Henry is true: he's now surrounded by more family than he knows what to do with, and that's the case for all of us now.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Neal shouts suddenly, and I look around to locate his voice.
"Thank you!" Nadia says and lets her brothers go to run to him.
She hugs her friend excitedly and a new rush of anxiety runs through me when I realize that with all the emotions of seeing my daughter again, I forgot that we've prepared a party for her inside. Robin motions his head towards the house and I follow him. A few minutes later we're back outside with the birthday cake full of lit candles.
Nadia squeals with joy and it's all I need. Peanut is home and she's happy.
Thoughts?