How the chivalrous, dashing, and very brave Elders of Uganda's District 9 found out their fearless District Leader Elder McKinley was dating God's favorite Mormon, Elder Price.

A/N: Hi! This is my first (published!) fanfiction. This is also my first attempt at joining fandom. So, uh... it's nice to be here.

Warnings: The idea that Mormons are uncomfortable with homosexuality is handwaved at best. If you're looking for a realistic description of... anything, this probably isn't the right story. I pretty much exclusively serve fluff, and bad attempts at humor.

Disclaimer: Book of Mormon does not belong to me. I'm recklessly warping the words of Matt, Trey, and Bobby.

Chapter 1: The Hard Way

Of all the things Elder Neeley hated about Uganda—the violence, the AIDS, the death, the loneliness, the snakes—the one thing he hated more than anything else was the heat.

Gosh, it was hot. He was sure the eggs were frying themselves on the counter. The walls were probably melting. The air was probably boiling.

Jesus, I know I'm here on your command and you know I love doing your work, but are these long pants really necessary? Could you forgive me just this once? In Heavenly Father's name, Amen.

When he pulled his hands apart, Elder Neeley noticed they were sticky with sweat.

Gross.

That was a no, then.

Elder Neeley managed to slosh over the freezer hoping for—darn it! Didn't anyone around here know the rules? If you finish off the ice, you replace it. Simple.

He wondered if there was a way to finger-print the fridge and force the ice culprit into doing some extra chores, or something.

Elder Neeley glanced at the clock, and decided the chances of his survival over the next 12 hours without ice weren't as high as he hoped. So, bracing himself against the warm wall of bugs and unbreathable air that awaited him, he opened the door.

The walk to the ice house wasn't too long and his destination was the coldest place for 10 miles. That made the fact that Elder Neeley was practically turning into a puddle worth it, right?

Using the very last of his wobbly, gelatinous arm strength—Jesus, please don't fail me now. I'm so close.—to swing open the door of the ice house, Elder Neeley was thrilled to collapse into a fresh, uninhabited Arctic Tundra.

Well, maybe not fresh, as the ice was mostly water. And maybe not Arctic Tundra, because it was Uganda. And definitely not uninhabited because clearly some other people had the same idea. There was the General, sitting in the corner, skinning a carcass.

A very bloody carcass.

Elder Neeley nodded nervously at him. There was Kalimba, chatting with the ice house owner—what was her name again?—about, well, something colorful. But Elder Neeley was used to that. He had heard more swearing in the last 2 months than he had his entire Utah born-and-raised whitebread life. But Elder Neeley was pretty good at filtering that stuff out. The last time he had accidentally taken the Lord's name in vain, his apology prayer lasted upwards of an hour.

(Sometimes Elder Neeley was convinced he was the only Elder who used that 9 to 10 blocked out time for actually conversing with the Lord.)

And—oh, look! It was the familiar white shirt/black pants combo. Some other Elders had come to replace the ice after all. Couldn't they have left a note?

As Elder Neeley bounced forward to say 'hi,' he noticed...

Oh.

Wow.

That was Elder Price and Elder McKinley, wasn't it?

They were sitting kind of close, weren't they?

Like, legs wrapped around each other or something.

Elder McKinley was sitting on Elder Price's lap.

He was whispering something in his ear.

Was that even legal?

Jesus, Lord, Heavenly Father, please. Umm... get me out of here. Amen.

Elder Neeley noticed Kalimba glaring at him. He smiled weakly, and she motioned him over, hissing in his ear, "This is the only place for 50 miles those two boys can get some peace, so I'll expect you'll leave them right alone, understand?"

"Oh, um, yeah. Sure." Like he was going to give another answer under that gaze.

She scrutinized him, then smiled.

"Maybe you ought to go over there and say hello. I'm sure those boys wouldn't mind knowing they don't have to keep their oh-so-forbidden romance oh-so-secret every waking minute." She shook her head, lowering her voice. "And, you know a few of us here have been trying to... well... let them know it's not the sin they think it is. But it would mean more coming from you, in that Latter Day Nametag of yours."

Elder Neeley managed a real smile and stumbled over to the corner of the ice house where Elder Price and Elder McKinley were... oh.

Well this was awkward.

Seeming to sense the unwelcome presence, the district leader and his super Mormon broke apart. They gazed, horrified, at the bewildered Elder a few feet away.

Elder Price was licking his lips, on the verge of speech, but Elder McKinley beat him to it.

"It's... um, well... oh, my. Hi, Elder Neeley."

"Hello, Elder McKinley."

"I'm, um, really sorry that, um..."

Elder Neeley could feel Kalimba's eyes setting the back of his head on fire. Jesus, he thought. Jesus, I... what do I do? Oh, screw it. Sorry, Jesus. Be back in a second. Amen.

Elder Neeley turned his attention back to Elder Price and Elder McKinley in front of him, who were now staring at each other with a sort of protectiveness. It was pretty cute, actually. Made Elder Neeley think of all the times back at home, with his own girlfriend, and that dreadfully rude boy.

Elder Price gripped Elder McKinley's arms and pulled him to his chest, while Elder Neeley fought his brain, where all the logical parts were telling him he couldn't just cut Jesus off in the middle of a prayer. But right now... he could. Because this was Elder McKinley, who taught him how to dance, and Elder Price, who was far too generous with his smiles.

He opened his mouth. Elder Price glared at him.

"I... uh, no, No! It's not that. Really." Elder Price's look of "I will kill you if you hurt the boy in my arms" slowly slid off, replaced by one of confusion.

"Not what?"

"I'm not... it's not... it's not like I'm going to report you—not that I have anyone to report you to... oh, dang it." Elder Neeley steeled himself. "I mean to say, Elders," he began, more formally this time, "I... you make a cute couple."

It was hard to say which of the three Elders looked more surprised at the words.

Jesus, did I really just say that?

"Thank you, Elder," said Elder McKinley. He looked slightly hysterical.

"No, really. I'm happy for you. I hope you... Yeah. I hope you have a happy life together."

Elder Price laughed nervously. "It's a little soon for that. But, um, yeah. Me too. Thanks, Elder."

"Sure thing," Elder Neeley said, his face red. "Just let me know if you ever need me to, uh, help you find some privacy."

Elder McKinley smiled gratefully. His eyes looked almost wet. Elder Neeley stepped back in alarm.

"Well, uh, see you."

"You too, Elder Neeley."

Elder Neeley stumbled out of the ice house.

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Heavenly Father. Let them know... let them know I'm here for them. We all are.

Back in the ice house, Kalimba beamed over at the missionaries in the corner. Elder Price kissed Elder McKinley on the nose, smiling bright enough to be at least part of the reason the ice was melting.

"I think that went well," said Elder Price.

"I think I love you," said Elder McKinley.

"I think the mission house is probably still without ice," said Kalimba.

As it turned out, she was right.