Because on reflection, I can not resist the temptation to crosspost everything like crazy...

Disclaimer: I don't own the source material, obviously.

Pillow Talk

"I have a confession to make."

Vimes bolted upward, pushing himself into a sitting position next to the Patrician, and pinched himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming (1). Out of all the things Vetinari might have said, this was the second to last one he would have expected. The very last one being an actual confession.

Vetinari sat up as well, moved to lean against the bed's headboard, and smothered his robes – black, though a slightly less rich material than his usual ones, as far as Vimes could tell. He didn't think Vetinari owned any clothes in another colour (2).

"You do?" he eventually managed to say, and turned to look at the Patrician, who nodded solemnly in response.

"You do remember how I asked you to cease your investigations about the theft of the gonne at the assassins' guild?"

"Yes," Vimes said, with a frown, and wondered if Vetinari was trying to make the premature break-up this morning his fault. If so, he was on the best way. Vetinari had been shot shortly after this, and Vimes had found that it rather served him right. He'd threatened to take his badge, dammit.

"When I did so, I was actually expecting you to do the exact contrary."

"You expected me to disobey?"

He probably shouldn't be surprised there.

"I think you misunderstand me. I mean that I only ordered you to cease investigations because I knew this would make you pursue them with more assiduity."

"... what ?"

"I have often noticed," Vetinari went on, apparently oblivious to his fury, "that you have a certain anti-authoritarian streak, and that you were particularly fierce when certain classes or institution that deem themselves above the law are concerned. I have banked on this on several occasions, though I must admit that in the case I just mentioned, I miscalculated."

"You..." Vimes stopped; numerous occasions when Vetinari had forbidden him to do something specific ran through his mind, and others where he would have expected an intervention from him that never came... He hadn't actually done the exact opposite every time? Surely, he couldn't have been that stupid...

He could, couldn't he?

"Why," he eventually asked, "are you telling me this?"

"You have a certain tendency to being contrary. In the light of recent events, I thought it might be better if you were aware of this."

"Recent – what does the war against Klatch have to do with – "

"There was no w –"

"There was a bloody war! We both know it!"

Vetinari looked at him, face patient and stony and just a little bit worrying, waiting for him to finish. He breathed out.

"What do you mean?"

"I understand that you went in pursue of a criminal instead of staying to defend the city precisely because you were under the impression someone was trying to prevent you from solving a crime?"

"I actually stopped the bloody war!"

"Yes, I know; I was not blaming your actions, Commander. I was only pointing out that one might notice a certain pattern there, and take advantage of it."

"Like you have."

Vetinari flashed him a smile.

"That was what I was trying to explain, yes."

Vimes stared. He'd known Vetinari for years, and certainly didn't expect him to ever change, but still, the sheer effrontery in the shameless manipulation and instrumentalisation he had been subjected to since – since Vetinari had become Patrician, probably – sometimes took his breath away.

Vetinari himself took advantage of the silence to lie back down and say:

"Now, if you don't mind, I would like to catch a few more minutes of sleep," and with that his eyes fell close, his breathing calmed, and he didn't seem to wake no matter how violently Vimes shook him.

Footnotes:

(1) A technique in which's use he did not believe himself, but couldn't help using because of its old, powerful narrative strength. In fact, he had often dreamt of pinching himself: this was one of the few dreams he could remember, which was probably telling of something, though Vimes himself wasn't sure what, and had never bothered trying to find out.

(2) He was of course wrong. Vetinari owned several dark green, grey, dark blue robes, as well as Klatchian ceremony robes, should he ever need those and... a whole lot of other clothes, really.

I love Vimes in Jingo. :p

Comments are always appreciated.