Castiel was restless. He couldn't get comfortable on the small, lumpy couch in the stuffy motel room. Being an Angel, he didn't sleep, so Sam and Dean always got the beds. But his body was so tired, and all he wanted to do was stretch out his limbs and relax. Cas supposed he could leave and come back in the morning, but he had nowhere else he needed to be just then, and he felt better being able to keep an eye on his friends. So if he had to wait around all night for the Winchesters to get some rest, he may as well do it comfortably.
He sat up and looked over at Dean, sprawled across his bed, leaving no room for anyone else. There would be no moving him or waking him to ask him to budge over even a little.
So Cas looked over at Sam, sleeping so peacefully and almost…neatly, on the right side of his bed. The double bed wasn't huge, but there was plenty of room for Cas, and Sam was much more likely to let Cas share his bed. Cas' stomach flipped pleasantly at the thought. Sharing Sam's bed. But then he felt guilty, and his face burned. He wondered if it was glowing in the darkness. He covered his face with his hands to hide his embarrassment from…no one. Cas was the only one awake. He was always the only one awake at night. That gave him plenty of time to dwell on his ever-developing feelings. And just when had his feelings for Sam turned in this direction? When had he begun to find Sam heartbreakingly beautiful? When had his heart started to pound every time Sam paid him even the slightest bit of attention? Cas looked down to find himself standing over Sam. His feet had brought him to Sam's side without him realizing it. He fought the urge to brush Sam's hair behind his ear. But he shook Sam slightly to wake him and ask for permission to lie next to him for the night.
"Sam," Castiel whispered. No response. He shook Sam again. "Sam. Sam." Still nothing. "Hey, Sammy!"
"What, what?" Sam was alarmed. "What's wrong, are you okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine. I just—uh…"
"Did you call me Sammy?"
Cas chuckled softly and nervously. "Yes, sorry. I was just having a hard time waking you. I, uh…"
"What's the matter, Cas?"
"Nothing, nothing. I was just wondering."
"What?"
"Well. That couch is extremely uncomfortable, and I was wondering if you would allow me to uh, not to share your bed. I mean, yes, share your bed, but not in that way, uh," Cas was stammering and muttering, and his face was burning again. God help me, he thought, but then realized his Father was the last person he wanted help from right now. He looked down at Sam hopefully. Was…was Sam blushing now? Cas couldn't quite tell in the dark.
"Oh. Um. I thought you didn't need to sleep, Cas." Sam propped himself up on one elbow and tucked his hair behind his ear, looking up at Cas sleepily.
Cas' stomach flipped again, a bit unpleasantly this time. He was getting so flustered. "I—I don't. I don't need to sleep. I was just hoping to pass the night a bit more restfully while you and your brother sleep."
"Oh. Right. Well, um, of course, there's plenty of room for you." Sam scooted over a bit to make room.
Cas was unbelievably relieved. "Thanks, Sam."
Sam rolled on to his back and watched as Cas walked around to the empty side of the bed, and Sam smiled. "It's no problem. You can take off your jackets though. And your shoes. You'd probably be more comfortable, that way"
"Right. Okay," Cas croaked out. He removed his trench coat, suit jacket and shoes, clearing his throat. He was about to climb in the bed but hesitated, looking shiftily at Sam.
"It's all right, Cas, really. Go ahead. I don't mind at all." Sam was still smiling.
"Thanks, Sam," Cas said again as he lay down next to him.
"You're welcome," Sam whispered and rolled over onto his left side so his back was to Castiel.
Slightly disappointed by this, Cas also rolled over onto his left side so he was looking at the back of Sam's head. He just stared at the way the moonlight streaming in from the window danced on Sam's hair, and imagined running his fingers through that hair. Once more, Cas resisted the urge to touch it. He had always wondered if Sam's hair was as soft as it looked. He wanted to know so badly that it almost hurt. He wanted to touch every part of Sam he could find. And he wanted Sam to want it too. But Cas didn't think that would ever happen, unfortunately.
Half an hour had passed. Cas was finally relaxed, lost in gazing at Sam. His strong back, the slope of his shoulder, the curve of one ear that Cas could just see under Sam's hair. Cas smiled to himself and knew that even if Sam never wanted more from him, just knowing Sam was alive and breathing and aware of Cas' existence would be enough.
Almost.
Cas could still hope.
Sam's breathing was soft and even, peaceful and content. His arm was resting a bit precariously on his side, and when he moved slightly backwards, it slipped behind him, and Cas noticed that his hand had landed in very close proximity to, uh. Well. Cas looked down as he realized he was getting hard. And Sam's hand was almost close enough to touch him. Cas couldn't help himself. He inched himself closer to Sam's hand in the hope that…what? What exactly did Cas want to happen right now? With Dean in the room, albeit sleeping soundly. But Dean was quickly becoming the last thing on his mind. Was he just imagining things, or had Sam placed his hand a little too strategically for it to be an accident?
Sam had tried to make it look nonchalant, like he had done it in his sleep, but Cas could tell now that Sam was still awake. So he inched even closer to Sam's hand until they were touching. Sam's hand searched around until it apparently found what he was looking for and gripped Cas firmly. Cas gasped quietly in pleasure. He whispered Sam's name, and Sam turned to face him, still holding on to him. They stared at each other for a long moment, perhaps unsure of what to do next, wondering whether they should continue or if something Very Bad was about to happen. But then Castiel took Sam's face in his hands and kissed him, kissed him as he'd wanted to for so long. And everything seemed to click in Castiel's mind; everything fell into place, and he felt whole.
They pressed together urgently, Sam's hands now traveling along Castiel's body, pulling him ever closer. They rolled over so that Castiel was lying on top of Sam, kissing his soft lips, his neck, behind his ear, his chest. Their shirts were somehow off, discarded on the floor. Cas straddled Sam, fingers tracing the tattoo above Sam's heart, still kissing Sam everywhere, anywhere. His belt was gone and his zipper undone. Sam pushed him off and somehow got both of their pants to end up on the floor next to their shirts. Now they were in their underwear and suddenly Sam was on top, his hair falling over his eyes and tickling Cas' face and neck. Cas pushed it back and tangled his fingers in it. It was softer than Cas had imagined, and it was fantastic. He grinned and pulled Sam's face to his own, never wanting to stop kissing him, ever. Sam began to move against him, slowly and steadily, creating a rhythm that resounded somewhere deep inside the two of them. Cas gripped Sam's hips, just wanting him to be closer, closer, until they were no longer two separate beings. And Sam was kissing him, and biting him softly, and touching him everywhere, and it was perfect.
They were completely naked now, sitting up and facing each other with Cas straddling Sam's lap. And Sam whispered, "Do you want to?" Cas looked at him uncertainly, knowing exactly what he meant, but thinking it might hurt too much, that they might make too much noise and wake up Dean, if they hadn't already. What if Dean was lying there awake, feeling too embarrassed and awkward to interrupt them, to let them know they were not quite as alone as they would like to be?
"It's okay if you don't. I'm scared, too," Sam told him.
"I do, I do want to. Very much, actually. It's just…"
And they both looked over at Dean, who was thankfully still snoring. Or so they hoped.
"I know," Sam said, looking back at Cas. He put his hand on Cas' neck, and smoothed Cas' cheek with his thumb. "If he ever does find out, I don't think it should be quite that direct."
"No, definitely not," Cas replied.
They were quiet for a long time after that, just sitting in each other's arms, Cas leaning forward and resting on Sam's chest, his head laying in the spot where Sam's neck slowly, gracefully became his shoulder. Sam was trailing his fingers lightly up and down Cas' back, making Cas shiver with pleasure. Cas began kissing Sam again; he just couldn't help it for long. He kissed Sam's neck and his chest, fingers tangled in Sam's hair again. Sam laughed deep and warm, and Cas could feel the vibrations against his chest. He wrapped his arms tight around Cas and they lost themselves once more in each other. They were both hard again, and Cas didn't think he could stand it anymore.
"Yes, Sam. Yes," Cas whispered urgently.
"Are you sure?" Sam breathed, looking Cas in the eye, Cas' face in his hands.
Castiel kissed him. "Yes. I need it. I need you. I love you."
"Oh, Cas," Sam kissed him and held him and kissed him more. "Cas. I love you. I love you so much."
And Sam was inside him, and it felt like magic, like nothing either of them had ever felt before. Castiel never thought anything could be so beautiful. It was bright and blinding in the darkness that he was so used to. Sam was his light; Sam had always been his light. He held onto Sam for dear life and never wanted to let him go, never wanted to let this end. They moved against each other, and in and around each other silently, and slowly at first, until the wave broke over them, and it was faster and fiercer, and Cas feared he would cry out in ecstasy. But he stayed silent. He kissed Sam and he stayed silent, all the while wanting to scream out with joy. And the bed creaked, and Dean stirred, but neither of them cared anymore. They were one, and this was all they'd ever wanted in life. To be one and to be loved and happy and complete, if only for a moment. Because this couldn't last, could it? One day Sam would be gone for good, and there would be nothing Cas could do about it. The thought brought tears to Cas' eyes, but he brushed them away, the bad thoughts and the tears, and just clung to Sam as a second wave broke over them. Sam bit his lip and buried his face in Cas' chest, clutching him tightly. A small moan escaped his lips, but Cas pressed his own lips to Sam's to quiet him. And they rode the wave until it crested then subsided, leaving them both sated and satisfied. They untangled their limbs and lay down face to face in the now tangled sheets. Sam kissed Cas' forehead and his eyelids and his jaw and his neck and the corner of his mouth, every inch of Cas' face that he could find. And Sam held him tight and close and safe, and they never wanted to move from that spot.
But it was almost morning, and Dean was often an early riser, and they didn't want to be caught like this. They had only just discovered this beauty for themselves, and they weren't ready to share it. And they agreed that Dean would just not be able to handle that scene, his brother and his best friend lying naked and sweaty in each other's arms. No, they had to move, and they had to redress. They had to pretend that what they'd just done together had never happened, at least for now.
It was going to be so difficult, wasn't it? Pretending to Dean and everyone else they knew that they were not in love. Making up plausible excuses to sneak off to be alone together. Maybe we should just tell Dean, Cas thought as he dressed and watched Sam dress. He looked over at Dean and wondered what his reaction would be. Cas couldn't decide how his friend would feel about it. Dean was so protective of Sam, he might even be jealous of someone else being in such a close relationship with his little brother. Perhaps it was better to just let things run their course for now, to keep it secret and hidden.
Sam finished dressing and turned to look at Cas. He smiled, took Cas in his arms, and nuzzled his face in Cas' hair. Cas wrapped his arms around Sam's waist, and they kissed softly.
"I suppose we should get back into bed. Or perhaps I should return to the couch," Cas suggested.
"Hmm. Maybe you should, but I don't want you to," Sam murmured in his ear.
Cas smiled. "Then I won't."
Sam laughed and kissed his temple. He took Cas by the hand and led him back to the bed. They righted the sheets and blankets before climbing back under them, but they lay side by side, not touching, until Sam reached for Cas' hand under the blankets, and Cas smiled again.
"He won't notice under all this," Sam whispered.
Cas just sighed contentedly and gripped Sam's hand tighter. Sam drifted off to sleep as the sun slowly rose and the birds started chirping. Cas watched him sleep, watched the rise and fall of Sam's chest with his steady breathing, content with where they were for the first time in a long while.