A/N: Takes place after the Season Finale, 1x18, Much 'I Do' About Nothing.
Fucking last 5 minutes.
I HATED IT.
That said, this is my new story. No worries, will be updating 'Hope Remains' soon.
He didn't know what he was doing at the time.
All he knew was that he was scared.
Shitless scared.
Was that what love really meant?
Because if that was so, then he wanted no part in it.
Because, no, he didn't want to completely lose everything he knew of just because of some girl.
But she wasn't just some girl? Was she?
He knew the moment he had given that rose to Amelia, he would lose Blair again. Forever, perhaps.
At the time, he did not care whatsoever.
Three months, one hundred days, one hundred-forty four thousand minutes later, he did care though. Far too much it was driving him insane.
He had told her he couldn't make the flight. That the trip was off, he wasn't coming. Sayonara, bye-bye, see you in school.
He, however, did not tell her to carry on the trip herself, fly away to wherever the hell she went and disappear from the face of the planet…possibly for good.
Damn it, Waldorf.
If he ever saw her again, the first thing he would do was strangle her.
Yeah, really. That's what he'd do.
Because you know what? Damn her. Why did she have to be so - ?
Okay, maybe it was his fault why she was gone missing, but damn it, that didn't entail her to just jet off and never show her face to all of them ever again.
No text, no phone call, not even an email. Hell, snail mail would do! A fucking postcard even.
Just some semblance that she was still fucking alive out there somewhere.
As much as he didn't care before, he did now, 100 plus, plus days later. Actually that wasn't true. The minute Serena had rushed back from the Hamptons, frantic and scared, claiming that Blair was missing almost 2 month ago, that was probably when he started caring again.
God, if he had known this was what she'd do, he wouldn't have cancelled on her last minute, no matter what his father had said to him.
Damn it, Waldorf.
She had arrived in Tuscany that was for sure. She had used the Bass Helipad and that immediately identified her to be one of the passengers on board. It was an easy trace. No harm there. No trouble, no worry.
But it was Bart who began it all.
Began the disappearing act of Blair Cornelia Waldorf.
After his night with Amelia, Bart had waltz back in the morning after and had caught them together in bed. Chuck's bed.
Bart didn't say anything at the time. Merely gazed at them with cold, unfeeling and unreadable eyes. After a few more moments of deafening silence, Bart had walked out the way he came in, quietly shutting the door behind him.
Chuck had scoffed at the time, not caring. Because yeah, no way was he going to give up his old habits for some girl who screwed him up before.
He had no idea that the minute Bart had shut that door, that was the very moment when Blair would disappear from all of their lives forever.
On the day Serena had burst with Blair's disappearance, Bart did not take him aside as he usually did when he wanted to talk to his son in private.
Instead, he blew the bomb in Chuck's face in front of everybody. Nate, Serena, Eric, Lily…
Bart told him straight out that he had called Blair the second he walked out of Chuck's suite that day he saw Chuck and Amelia together in bed, immediately telling her about his indiscretions behind her back.
Son of a fucking bitch.
He was left speechless. Who wouldn't be?
Serena had raged at him, slapped him, punched him, and threw water on his face. Burst out all her anger on him in every way she could.
"I lost Dan. And now, I lost my best friend because of you!" She cried out to his face.
Nate had scoffed at him, punched him in the face, and yelled something about how stupid he was for ever trusting Blair with Chuck.
"You are Chuck Bass, after all." Nate had spat out angrily.
Eric just turned away in disapproval, silent, unmoving. And Chuck yearned to make his little step brother face him because he couldn't stand it for Eric to turn him away like that. He needed to explain to Eric why he did that.
Eric would understand. The little boy always understood things beyond his own knowledge. Chuck didn't know how Eric managed that but he did and he needed Eric to understand why he did what he did…
But Eric cared more about Blair, the other person he'd ever consider as a sister. And Eric had turned away, pained that he could do such thing to someone who meant so dear to him.
Lily had simply gasped out loud and tried to hold back Serena's raging cries.
Basically, that had been the worst day of his life.
Second only to the day of Blair's dethroning, care of himself.
The days after the worst day of his life just kept getting worse.
He had tried to reconcile with Nate and Serena, saying that they needed to put whatever hatred they had for him so that could find Blair. They did so.
The deal was, if they found Blair then maybe all would be forgiven.
Maybe couldn't even happen.
They had search everywhere. France even. She was no where there. They knew she had stopped by to see her father, of course. But she had left as soon as she came, leaving without a trace. Harold knew nothing of her current whereabouts.
They searched everywhere. They tried everything.
Nothing could be found.
Blair couldn't be found.
And Chuck Bass knew that Blair Waldorf was smart enough to not leave tracks behind if she didn't want to be found.
If Blair didn't want to be found, she wouldn't be. No matter what they did.
And so, their fruitless search came to an abrupt end.
The hatred returned soon after. And it was made so profound that even he couldn't take it anymore.
Nate had returned to his mansion in the Hamptons, hoping to find some peace and simply resolving himself to wait for Blair's return.
Serena, however, had other plans.
She had decided to stay around the family and ruin his life.
She was the very epitome of an evil step sister from some fairy tale book. He tried to fight her off because yes, even if it was just Serena, it had begun to hurt. But nothing could bring the blonde princess to back down. With each blow he fought back, she came back on stronger, harder.
And Bart didn't send him out like he did last time. He forbade it, even. A lesson Chuck knew that Bart wished him to learn.
Instead, Bart merely watched, unfeeling as Serena would lash out on her step-brother, as Serena would splashed the milk on his face during breakfast, as Serena would publicly humiliate him by spreading rumors, gossips, scandals about everything she could about him, as Serena would spit on his face, actual spit or harsh words that she had no regret in uttering whatsoever.
"I wish it had been you who left instead of her. This world would be better off without you in it."
She showed no mercy to Chuck Bass.
And for once, Chuck Bass felt powerless to the bad-girl-gone-good Blondie.
It had been his fault why Blair was gone, why Blair was not returning, why Blair was probably dead off somewhere.
Serena showed no mercy to Amelia Earhart either.
Amelia had not been fired, again under the orders of Bart Bass, and Serena took the opportunity to lash out on the blonde interior designer with all the anger she carried within her.
Amelia had taken it all in. The hatred, the scandals, the words, the humiliation, everything Serena could throw at her.
And all Chuck could do was watch helpless as some innocent bystander was forced into this cruel wheel of misfortune that started off with him.
"I understand." Amelia told him as she lay in his arms one night. "She's lost almost everything that is precious to her. And I played a role in that. I deserve whatever she gives me."
Chuck didn't say anything to that.
What could he say to that anyway?
Damn it, Waldorf. Where the hell are you?
One night though, he discovered something.
He couldn't sleep once again, thinking about the girl he had claimed to love not so long ago and where in the world she could be, when he first heard it.
Soft at first. But it was there nonetheless. His imaginations weren't playing tricks on him.
He slowly walked out of his quarters and listened to the sound.
He didn't understand it at first. What was that sound?
He continued walking ever so quietly, finally recognizing the sound coming from within Serena's chambers.
He pressed his ear to the cold door.
And then he understood.
She was sobbing.
Weeping.
Crying.
Wailing.
How long had this been going on?
Chuck had shut his eyes in pain, letting the guilt completely course through him as Serena's sobs filled his eardrums, staying there forever and ever and ever.
He had walked away, quietly as he came and returned to his spot by the windows.
He sighed deeply, looking out on all over Manhattan, watching the city lights blaze before his eyes despite its late hour.
He was wishing that in one of those tall buildings before them, Blair was in one of them, curled up, safe in those rooms, either sleeping or cursing him for playing with her the way he did.
He didn't care whether she hated him or not at that moment.
All he cared about was whether she was safe or not. Somewhere, out there…
He knew the moment he had given that rose to Amelia, he would lose Blair again. Forever, perhaps.
He just didn't think he would lose her this way.
Far more painful, cruel than ever. He would rather lose her to Nate than lose her like this.
He cursed silently once again, hoping that his thoughts could be heard by Blair Waldorf, God damn missing girl, who had the power to cause all of them pain.
He didn't know which feeling was more powerful.
Hate or love.
He sighed, gazing. Regret. Guilt. Pain.
God, what had he done?
Waldorf, where in the hell are you?
Serena's sobs echoed through his ears once more, drowning him, choking him. God…
The scotch burned his throat.
Never in his life had he felt so guilty for deserting the one woman he claimed to love.
Was this what love really meant?
Because if that was so, then he wanted no part in it.
Nevertheless, he willed her to come back. He needed to know she was safe.
But from across the city, across the world, Serena's cries, Nate's anger and Chuck's regret would've have meant nothing as Blair continued to remain silent.
Distant. Gone.
Come back…please…
He had a new routine.
He didn't know when it started, couldn't pinpoint how exactly it began, didn't know when he began to realize his actions, that little thing he did every day without even him acknowledging it.
As if his entire being was possessed, completely controlled by some unseen force.
At one point of time in the day, he would sit down on his couch in his suite, place his phone on the living room table before him and just sit there, with or without the scotch, and just wait.
For what, he had no idea.
Whenever it rang, he would immediately jump at the sound of his ring tone and excitingly grab his phone, only to have his hopes crash down as soon as he saw the Caller ID or the Message.
It was either Amelia. Some Gossip Girl blast. Some whore he had no idea who. Sometimes, Lily. Rare times, Bart.
Never was it Serena. Nor Nate. Nor Eric.
And never ever was Blair Waldorf.
But he waited. And waited. And waited. And waited.
He could've died waiting...
And she still wouldn't have called.
Why he had decided on embarking on this new routine, he did not know. All he knew was that he could not stop. Could not cease foolishly waiting for his damn phone to ring and maybe, maybe it could be the missing brunette's face finally appearing on the screen of his phone.
He had no right to think that she'd ever call him, of all people. But he hoped nevertheless.
They had been something, right?
Until he royally fucked that up.
But still… It was still something.
And a part of him knew she'd still call him, if not the others.
So he hoped and he waited.
Like the lovesick fool he was.
He didn't like the feeling. He was sure commitment or responsibility was not a part of this. Bart had never mentioned this. Never mentioned this kind of pain, this kind of feeling.
So what was commitment really? Was it like this? Or was it something better?
He had no idea.
All he knew was that he didn't like waiting and hoping and sitting around and just…waiting.
But he did it anyway. Who knew right?
Chuck Bass had once said, "…I've learned perseverance. That in the face of true love you don't just give up, even if the object of your affection is begging you to."
Well, here was his show of a little perseverance.
Because fuck them all, he wasn't going to give up this stupid hope that that bitch will ever call him.
God, he hated her.
No. He didn't.
As he waited, he let his thoughts wander around, encircling his room, filling up his walls.
Where are you, Blair?
He wondered what could've happened to her. He was guilty and worried sick. Where the hell was that bitch? Was she safe? Was she okay? Was she even still God damn alive?!
And suddenly…
His chest began to constrict as a new sense of dread and worry overwhelmed him.
What if…What if…
What if Blair really was dead? What if they just didn't get a call because they couldn't identify her body or, or she had been mugged of all her identification? What if she had been violated against her will and then tossed into some creepy creek in Ireland? What if her body was already at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean, deteriorating away as the underwater decomposers ate her remains away? What if she just jumped off the Eiffel Tower and they couldn't identify her face? What if…what if she had been heading back to them and then her plane crashed and –
God damn it, Bass. For someone who scorned their supposed loved one, you sure do imagine a lot.
He was being ridiculous, slightly bordering to insanity.
Damn it, Waldorf.
Where in God's name was that bitch?
At least send a fucking postcard, for crying out loud! Maybe something along the lines of…
"Hey jackass. Thanks for ditching me and screwing me over last minute. Thank you. Now I'm here lost in some Saharan Desert thanks to you. But it's fine I'll live. See you next Christmas perhaps? Xo B."
Shit.
He missed her sweet texts, her annoying miss calls. His once filled inbox, his once ever ringing phone was now dead. Completely silenced by his own doing.
God, he missed her so much...
Where in fuck's name was she?
He was so wrapped up in his thoughts, in his pursuit of waiting and never-ending perseverance of hope undying that he didn't realize the figure that had entered his personal chambers and was now calling his name.
"Bass…"
"Bass…"
Blair…
"Bass!" A couch pillow was thrown over his head. That snapped him out of his crazy reveries.
Oh.
"Amelia."
She smiled sarcastically. "Finally, some show of attention. Thought you'd lost it, Bass."
"Yeah, getting there."
There was an awkward pause between the two.
Amelia looked at everywhere but the man that sat before her, impassive, silent, benevolent in his own way.
Her wide blue eyes paused on the cell phone, silently still on the table before the both of them.
"Do you love her?" She suddenly asked.
Uhm…wasn't that obvious enough?
He was silent for a very long while and she thought he'd never answer her question, until…
"No."
Amelia, despite herself, thought that there was something wrong with the answer.
"Then why are you sitting here waiting for that phone to ring?" She pointed at his phone.
"I'm not."
"Okay." She just said. She obviously wasn't buying his words. But whatever, if he wanted to be in denial, then that wasn't her problem anymore.
"If Blair Waldorf returned, what's the first thing you'd tell her?" Amelia asked once again in the silence of his empty rooms.
And that's when he remained dangerously silent.
He then got up and walked stealthily to his door, opened it and motioned her to it.
"Please leave."
Her eyes widened slightly in surprise, never had she received this treatment from him, no matter what the situation was. Whether it was Blair's disappearance or Serena's rage or Nate's silent treatment, he had never shunned her away before.
Until now...
But she recovered as if unfazed.
She didn't give a rat's ass about this man who was the cause of all her current humiliation.
As she moved past him, he suddenly spoke. Quietly, but she heard nonetheless.
Her heart stopped for a fraction of a second when he said behind her back,
"I'd tell her to never leave ever again…"
She ignored the feeling of her heart slowly breaking into little pieces, ignored the implication of his words.
He had chosen her over that missing girl he was currently obsessing with.
With that thought drumming through her mind, she lifted her head a little higher and pretended no exchange of unanswered painful questions ever occurred or any small declarations of love for some girl who might as well be dead ever be uttered.
For someone who didn't give a rat's ass about a person, she sure as hell took a lot of effort in doing such a simple task.
Meanwhile, Chuck watched her retreating figure and wondered briefly why he was still keeping her so...
Wasn't he the one who had turned away from Blair and her commitment needs?
Now he couldn't seem to let go of the one person who had been with him through this entire ordeal. The one who still came to him when Nate or Serena wouldn't bother anymore because they blamed him for Blair's disappearance and they blamed him for all the shit that was going on in everybody's lives. She shared his guilt, regret and humiliation.
Like him, she too was being shunned by everybody else.
He pitied her.
And felt terrible for keeping her at bay for his own selfish needs. Comfort. Companion. Security.
He wasn't in love with Amelia.
She was just the one he dragged in, selfishly locking her in his hell.
He pitied her, that's all.
But he could never love her.
Because she was Amelia. And Amelia was not Blair. And Amelia was not missing like Blair.
God. He needed a drink…
It was Lily's idea that they all go to the Hamptons together on the last days of their wonderful summer.
They all knew she was hoping for some sort reconciliation to happen among her children, hoping to get some sort of peace within her household, but they all knew her efforts would be fruitless.
They always were.
Because unless Blair turned up, no one would be saying amends to one another.
The limo ride on the way there was excruciatingly painful.
Serena was too busy looking at something fascinating out the window, Eric had closed himself from everyone via Ipod, Bart was in his own thoughts and Chuck just wanted to kill himself right then and there.
Lily tried to make small talk. Absolutely pointless. But at least she tried.
She needed a drink. She really, really wished they could all go back to the happy, - at least talking – family they once were.
She didn't blame Chuck at all though. She understood his fears. He wasn't one to suddenly fall in love and then accept it just like that on the snap of everybody's fingers. He couldn't let go of the things that probably didn't mean much to life but meant something to him because it was a part of who he was.
Weren't they all afraid to let go of the things they've held onto so dear for so long? She knows she had been. What, with Rufus and all.
She sighed and contemplated the situation.
She was going to fix this. As the mother head of her new household, she would God damn fix this mess or die trying.
But as she looked onto her children and her step-son, she realized that her challenging feat wouldn't be as easy as it looked.
Actually, it didn't even look all that easy to do.
She closed her eyes and silently said a prayer to whatever God there was up there.
Blair…wherever you are…just come back…please…
Maybe this Hamptons trip wasn't such a good idea after all.
"What's he doing here?"
Oh just fucking great.
Nate Archibald had just waltz in front God knows where, spotted the trio siblings and immediately scowled at the sight of his 'best friend.'
Chuck Bass just rolled his eyes. Once again, their friendship was ruined because of a girl. The same girl as last time, he added.
No. This time was completely different. This time it was completely his fault because…
Oh fuck. See? That's why he wasn't thrilled in seeing Nate too.
He wasn't in the mood to start going through circles again about what he did and how much regret he's feeling and all the shit he's going through.
Well, they weren't the only ones who missed Blair…
He sure as hell didn't, but he was just saying…
"Oh I don't know." Serena spoke up sarcastically. "Apparently he's still part of the family. Can't seem to disappear from us."
"Keep dreaming, sis." Chuck muttered.
Suddenly, Serena rounded on him, face furious with rage. "Yeah, I will keep dreaming! And I will keep trying to make your life a living hell until you decide to go away!" She started to move towards him, eyes gleaming with so much anger. "You son of a bitch. You just couldn't fucking stay away, could you? What? Is this all part of your sick, twisted plan? Take her virginity, ruin her, make her fall in love with you, put her on a jet plane and then send her away forever?!"
"WHAT?! Serena, I didn't –"
"Shut up!" She silenced him, screaming in his face. "You have no right to speak. Because of you, Blair is gone! How dare you… You've probably been planning this all along have you? Wanting to get back at Blair that bad? Because you knew that she'd never really love you the way she loved Nate?!"
"Stop it."
But Serena kept on advancing towards him. No, she fucking wouldn't stop it. She'd hurt him until he died before her eyes.
"That's it, isn't it?" She said in dead calm tone. "You just can't accept it. You can't accept that no matter what you do, your best friend will always loom above you especially when it comes to Blair. She'll never love you. She'll never look at you the way she looked at Nate, she – "
"That's enough."
"That's not fucking enough, Chuck!" Serena started yelling again. "Because she's gone because of you! And I hate you for sending her away! Why couldn't you just accept the fact that you were just a mere shadow not meant for anything as perfect as Blair?!"
"I didn't mean to -"
"Didn't I just tell you to SHUT UP?!" Serena screeched now. And finally, she took a deep breath and finally ended her angry rage in cold finality. "You always don't mean anything, Chuck. You don't deserve Blair because you are nothing but rich trash who doesn't mean anything to the world. Especially to Blair. Her heart will always be Nate's…"
Her last words sliced him deep, far deeper than anything he'd ever felt.
"And never yours…"
And then…
She slapped him.
Hard.
The sound resonated among the great spacey halls of the humongous mansion. Unbeknownst to them all, another figure watched the entire exchange from behind some marble pillar just a little beyond them, completely hidden by the shadows.
Meanwhile, Chuck was staggering, physically and emotionally. Enough was enough… He already felt so sorry for what he had done to Blair. All he wanted at the time was a chance to keep his youth in tact, he couldn't let it go. It was all he was made of, all he knew.
If he couldn't be the playboy manwhore of all the Upper East Side, who would he be?
How would Blair ever see him?
Her heart will always be Nate's…and never yours…
He didn't want any part of love anymore. But then…
Why the fuck did he feel his heart completely ripped out of his chest and stomped on by the Manolo Blahnik heels of his golden step – sister?
After everything he had done for Serena with the whole Georgina thing…
But then again, Blair always meant something more than Georgina could ever be.
Serena ignored the extreme hurt flashing so evidently in his eyes. She wouldn't fall for that ever again.
Hurt clashed with rage.
And the deafening silence reigned.
Nate and Eric just watched as Serena and Chuck faced off, both of them feeling as if enough was enough, finally letting their sympathy show for Chuck.
He had suffered enough. They all had.
And Nate wanted to stop it already. They needed to stop and work things out again. Chuck couldn't change. He was Chuck. Blair was somewhere out there and one day, she'd come back to them. Serena needed to understand that…
Then again, Nate wasn't Serena.
But this entire thing needed to stop! Like right now!
And he would've cut in, if Chuck hadn't spoken, his voice completely broken and hoarse with pain.
"I didn't plan anything…" He said so quietly, it was almost inaudible. "I just… I couldn't be with her because that would mean everything would change… I would have to change… I don't want to…"
Nate stood, watching his best friend writhe in pain before them all, finally understanding. And for the first time in all of summer since Blair's disappearance, he felt terrible for ever shunning his best friend, not even giving him a chance to explain.
"Chuck…you don't have to change…Blair wouldn't want that, you know." Nate spoke up.
"Yeah, well Blair's gone. Thanks to him. We don't know what she'd want or not want." Serena spat out sarcastically.
Eric raised his voice, shocking the crap out of everyone. "Serena, that's enough okay? Don't you think he's suffered enough? We're all going through the same pain. Can't we just forgive him?"
"No, Eric!" Serena rounded on her little brother. "We can't just forgive him, okay?! Blair is gone! Everybody…everything's gone…"
Eric's eyes began to water. "I'm still here… I won't leave… You don't need to take it out on Chuck anymore…"
And Serena completely broke down. "But I have to! If I don't then, Blair would completely be gone… I need to… if I stop then that would mean that Blair would never come back… that she really is gone…"
Eric was then hugging his crying sister, holding her broken self, willing her to be strong like she once was.
Georgina had started the damage. Destroyed her relationship with her first love. And then, her own step brother had to send her best friend away.
"Where is she? Where is she? Is she okay? Where is she?" Serena kept repeating over and over again on Eric's shoulder. Eric just cried with her, completely feeling all the pain she was feeling.
It was the most painful scene Nate and Chuck had to watch.
"Where is she?"
Maybe it was the gods finally looking down upon them and giving them some sort of sympathy.
Maybe it was the greatest miracle they'd ever have witness during the entire summer because all their prayers were finally answered.
Or maybe it was their imagination.
Whatever it was, they heard it.
That soft voice they'd never forget. It sounded so foreign to them after not hearing it for such a long time.
It was…
"I'm right here."
Time stood still as that soft voice of so long ago echoed throughout the huge empty halls of the mansion. They all turned to that voice…
Oh my God…
They could've fainted right then and there. And they all hoped to God that this wasn't some sort of mirage.
They all paled as she stood before them, reappearing once again in all their lives.
Blair Cornelia Waldorf had finally come back.
Taking in their extremely shocked speechless reactions, she shrugged sheepishly, and added shyly, as if unsure,
"Missed me?"
To be continued...
There you go. Not my best. My thoughts are sort of still muddled but I just had to get this out.
UGH. So pissed I swear. Anyway so this is what happens after Chuck royally decides to f- things up. :)
Peace out yo.
R&R. please. :D