Konnichiwa, it's me again! And this time I have a brand new story!

Honestly this story is not meant to be serious in any way, shape, or form. It is complete and utter crack.

If you're wondering how I came up with this it wasn't entirely me. It's based off an ongoing conversation between yuikshiro and myself.

So I hope you enjoy this random bit of cracked out hilarity. Arigato goziemashita~ Kaida

Warning: This story contains crude humor, foul language, sexual themes, and yaoi.

Disclaimer: I do not own -Man or any thing else except Kaida and Yoru.

-Prologue-

What Authors Spawn

The day started normally enough. Two fan fiction authors were having a very nice chat about their story ideas in the lounge of the Black Order. As they talked they some how got to the topic of using everyone's favorite bunny boy Lavi as a human shield.

Kaida laughed. "Awesome."

"I know. Always have a Lavi near is a phrase to live by," Yuik replied with a grin.

A girl with white hair and an evil glint in her eyes suddenly popped up out of nowhere. "Kaida's got an advantage when it comes to a Lavi shield, he's mmphf!"

Kaida had slammed her hand over the white haired girl's mouth, effectively cutting off her sentence. "No letting the plot bunnies out Yoru!" Kaida waited until Yoru gave her a small nod before taking her hand down.

"Gah…fine then….your hand tastes like paper."

"That would be because I've been writing baka. OW!" Kaida was suddenly knocked out of her chair by a small black ball that looked very similar to Timcanpy. "No! Bad Midnight! You'll release the plot bunnies!" She quickly grabs the small thing and shoves it into the bag she always seemed to have.

"He's what?" Yuik tilted her head to the side slightly. "I'm curious now…Is he a sexy bunny man?" She laughed at the joke she made. "Plot bunnies come out when I'm in history class. I don't know why….Timcanpy!"

Yoru looked at Yuik like she was crazy. "No he's Kaida's mmphf!" Yoru threw Kaida a death glare for silencing her again.

Kaida replied by taping Yoru's mouth shut and shoving her into a nearby closet along with the bag containing Midnight. "No plot bunnies! Especially not those! Those affect the sequel for Crystal Resonance!" She locked the closet after her little rant.

"Nooo I want to know!" Yuik whined. "Don't lock the closet now I'll never know!" Yuik had a very defeated expression that made Kaida giggle.

"Yes you will! You find out who Midnight is in the fourth or fifth chapter, and the thing with Lavi at some random point after he shows up but before Allen confesses to him." Kaida laughed at how silly Yuik was acting.

"Wow, awesome." Yuik's expression immediately changed to one of excitement.

"I know right?" Kaida laughed. She tended to laugh a lot.

A certain loveable redheaded bunny boy bounded up to the two. "Oh nee-chan!"

A frying plan suddenly appeared in Kaida's hands and she hit Lavi with it. "DAMNIT LAVI! YOU LET THE PLOT BUNNY OUT!"

Lavi lay on the ground clutching his head. "Owww…."

It was then that everyone's favorite moyashi walked in. Lavi had apparently gotten him to search for Kaida as well.

"Apparently he's getting a bit of a sister complex." Allen looked down at Lavi. Lavi was still groaning in pain and rolling on the floor, though it wasn't too hard to tell it was in an attempt for sympathy. Allen could only shake his head at his friend's antics.

Kaida sighed. "Fuck….Damn it Onii-chan I'm gonna sic Lenalee on you."

Lavi instantly sat up, sore head forgotten. "No! Not the evil Lena-lady!" He dove under a small table in an effort to hide.

Yuik laughed at how ridiculous Lavi was acting. "Poor Lavi-chan."

Kanda seemed to appear out of nowhere, even though no one had invited him to the little "party". "Poor Usagi? Che, he deserved it."

Yuik stuck her tongue out at the Japanese man. "You're just mad that I like Laven right now."

Kanda's eye twitched. "Baka!" And to add injury to insult he hid Yuik.

The 14 year old clutched her now sore head. "Oww my head! Lavi save me!"

Unfortunately for Yuik, Kaida had pulled Lavi out from under the table and had started to strangle her long lost older brother.

"I'm…a…little…busy…right…now…Yuik…" Lavi managed to gasp out.

Yuik started waving her arms around frantically. "Nooo don't kill Lavi! We need his sexiness! And his brain, and he has yet to rape Allen! You have to let him live!"

Kanda scowled. "Che, just kill him!"

Yuik stuck her tongue out at the samurai again. "Sour puss!"

Kanda shot her a glare. "What was that shorty?"

Yuik looked devastated. "You just made fun of my height…." Tears started to well up in her eyes. "Kaida please kill Yuu-chan too." She ran to a corner and started acting emo.

Kaida performed a decent version of Bookman's "Panda Kick of Doom" and sent Lavi flying into the wall. "Okay first, ALLEN IS MIIIIIIINNNNNNEEEEEE!" An evil glint appeared in her eye. "And second, Kanda has called someone short for the last time!" She pulled a small rod out of her coat. "Innocence! Activate!"

Kanda was smart enough to run for his life. Kaida went chasing after him, brandishing her weapon.

Yuik rushes over to Lavi. "Lavi, you okay?" Lavi just groans in reply.

"Stay away from me bitch!" Kanda draws Mugen.

Yuik looks up. "Kaida please be careful." She bends down and helps Lavi stand.

Allen shakes his head and rubs his temples. "Why, just tell me why this is happening?"

Yoru flops down on a couch. "Because Kaida's feeling a little overprotective and possessive right now and is really tired of Kanda's mouth." She started digging the dirt out from under her nails.

Kaida laughed at Kanda's pathetic attempt to protect him self from her wrath. "Kanda you should know better than that!" She stopped running and held her weapon up. "Innocence, level two activation!" A silvery cloak momentarily enveloped her before she disappeared completely.

Shock was clearly evident on Yuik's face. "She…she disappeared! Oh my gosh that was stupid to say… Allen want some dango?" She hands some of the delicious dessert to Allen.

Allen accepted it gratefully. "Dango~"

Kanda looked shocked as well. "What the hell?"

Lavi hid under a table again, a terrified look on his face. "I'm scared…."

Yuik ignored them both and ate some more dango. "Dango~" She held a stick out to Yoru. "Want some Yoru-chan?"

Yoru just looked at her with a bored expression. "You should be careful with than dango."

As if she could see the future the dango disappeared. They all heard a disembodied voice from somewhere above their heads. "Yum…dango."

"Noo my sweet dango! Alas I knew ye well." Yuik adopted a somber expression.

An empty dango skewer landed on Kanda's head. He scowled. "What the fuck…"

Allen started laughing at the samurai. Lavi just looked downright confused.

"Lavi want to sexorcize some Tykis?" Lavi doesn't even get a chance to answer before Yuik spouts off her next question. "Yoru what's Kaida's Innocence? What's it supposed to do?"

Yoru still looked utterly bored. "Okay that plot bunny shows up in the first chapter so I won't say," she glared at Kaida, "that is if Kaida ever decides to finish the damn chapter."

Said author started giggling from somewhere above them. She was still invisible so no one knew for sure where she was. "I've had writer's block but I'm gonna work on it more. I'll give you a hint though, the level two ability I used is called Moonlit Cloak."

Yuik didn't seem perturbed by the fact that she couldn't see Kaida at all. "Wow, I still need to write my Inuyasha story, and Naruto too. Damn I'm swamped, but I read your review on Always have a Lavi Near!" She laughed. "I'm glad you like it! I can't wait to read it when it comes out!"

Lavi looked over at Yuik. "Shouldn't we be worried?"

Yuik looked at him questioningly. "About what?"

"My sister disappeared and Kanda's pissed!" Lavi looked almost frantic.

Yuik shrugged. "Sooo, he called me short, it's his fault and Kaida-onee-san, wait is it okay if I call you that Kaida?"

Kaida hummed. "The age thing is a bit complicated. You see in real live I'm 18 but in the story I'm only 15, so I don't know what you'd call me." She laughed lightly.

"Well then you're still older than me, by one year though and I've never had an onee-san on this sooo I'll call you my onee-san!" Yuik looked extremely happy. "So anyway Lavi, Onee-san is okay, I mean she could be doing anything! We shouldn't worry!"

Yoru clicked her tongue. "The only thing she'll do is wreak havoc on Kanda until her anger's gone."

"Oh Kaida I read your other review." Yuik laughed. "You lost the game."

"I hate that stupid game…" Yoru growled.

Kaida deactivated her innocence to reveal she's standing right next to Yoru. "Nee-chan!" She rushed over and glomped Yuik.

Yuik giggled. "Yoru-chan you're just mad because you lose it too much."

"IT'S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT! I HAVE FRIENDS WHO PURPOSELY LOSE JUST TO PISS ME OFF!" Yoru practically snarled.

"Oh my god…you actually have friends?" Kaida smirked evilly while she continued to glomp Yuik.

By this time the poor bookman in training looked completely confused. "Wait…so I have another sister now?"

Yuik looked slightly scared by Yoru's outburst. "Well Yoru-chan please calm down….I'll give you a lollipop!" She laughed. "Or how bout a nice chopped haired Yu?" She giggled again. "I feel so loved!"

During this whole thing Allen was eating dango quietly. "I need more dango~"

Yoru laughed evilly. "I'll chop off more than just his hair."

A sweat drop appeared on Kaida's forehead. "Um…Yoru's got a dark side that's darker than Allen's." She releases Yuik and trots off to get dango.

Lavi looked frustrated. "Can somebody please answer my question?"

Kaida giggled as she came back. "Oh Lavi-nii you're so clueless." She hands a large plate of dango to Allen before eating some off a separate plate.

Yuik looked shocked again. "Wow Yoru-chan…..but you get money for selling his long beautiful hair to an old man! Money makes the world go round~" She dances around the room. "And Kaida-onee-san where's my dango?" She takes some of Allen's dango. "Never mind!" She flashes a very Lavi like lopsided grin.

Allen's face flushed indignantly. "Hey! That's my dango!"

Yuik ignores him and looks at Lavi. "And yes Lavi-chan you're very clueless." She takes more dango from Allen, earning more angry remarks from the white haired teen.

Well there's another prologue done. I hope you were at least entertained by this lol I know the conversation it's based off of is very entertaining.

No review requirements for this story lol but they are greatly appreciated.