A/N: 'After all we've been through. Everything that I've done. It can't be for nothing.' - Ellie
*Warning: Contains spoilers for The Last Of Us - Chapters: Winter & Spring…including this, effectively means that I am no longer liable for ruining anything in relation to this for anyone.
Everyone has their breaking point; it's just a matter of how far you're willing to go before you admit defeat. Ellie's not quite there yet, she's still pretending she knows where to find all the answers. It's working...for now. But how much further will it stretch? *Chapters: Winter & Spring spoilers!
This is meant as another stand alone oneshot but it could (loosely) be read as a sequel of sorts to Powerless.
Rated T: For obvious reasons, mostly swearing.
Disclaimer: I own nothing that bores any resemblance whatsoever to The Last Of Us. Naughty Dog are the geniuses behind it all.
Not Broken.
"Ellie! Stop. Stop."
She can't hear much over the blood pounding in her ears, and her visions' been speckled for a while. She knows that should probably worry her, but right now it's hard to concentrate on anything other than the knife in her hands. She moves to raise it again, lifting it up over her head when arms wrap around her, pulling her away from the bloodied body on the floor, which had fallen silent some time ago.
The blade slips from her fingers and she panics, throwing her entire weight wildly to one side, in a last ditch attempt to get away.
"No. Don't fucking touch me."
She's desperate and she's given up trying to hide it, because it's not really worked that well so far and all she wants is to be far away from this sodding town.
She lashes out against the vice like grip round her stomach, because she's fought tooth and nail to get this far and she doesn't want to die here.
It can't all have been for nothing.
"Sshh. Sshh. It's okay. It's okay. It's me. Look. Look. It's me."
She finds herself face to face with Joel, warm hands settled on either side of her head and she's so relieved to see him alive because she was worried he might not have made it and even though she pushed herself through it she really hated being alone.
Words spill from her mouth and she can't remember what she's saying, but her cheeks are wet and her vision's blurred and when he wraps his arms around her she realises she's crying.
"Oh, baby girl…"
She heaves in a shuddering breath and tries to pull herself together but the truth is she's been holding it together for so long that she doesn't have the heart to do it anymore. She hates it, she really does, but she falls apart in Joel's arms, even though she's trying to blink the tears away.
His lips are moving and she knows he's talking to her but she can't make out the words and she's suddenly feeling fuzzy and lightheaded.
She tries her best to focus on him, but he's already getting to his feet and when he pulls her up from the ground she's clinging to his sleeves so tightly her knuckles have gone white.
Joel gently eases her fingers from the cuffs of his jacket, and curls his arm around her back, fronting most of her weight as he leads her out into the falling snow. It's difficult to see much of anything, but Joel seems to know where he's going so Ellie follows him.
It makes her feel better to know the snow will cover their tracks.
"You look like shit."
She says; when they're tucked away in the relative safety of the basement, away from David's town and all those fucking creepers.
There's no bite to her words, and they lack the good natured vibe she was going for but she's so damn tired that she doesn't really care.
"Well, you ain't no oil painting."
Joel squats down in front of her, with a rag and a bowl of water she hadn't seen him grab, and takes her face in his hands again. He blots the blood from her face, careful of her split lip and sliced nose and it wasn't that long ago that she was doing that for him, trying to bring his fever down.
"Do you…want to talk about it, kiddo?"
He asks her, some time later, but after everything that's happened she doesn't feel much like a kid.
"No."
He wipes the rag across her brow, scrubbing off the last of the blood and says okay. It's spoken so plainly and right now she's grateful he doesn't push it any further.
"If you ever change your mind –"
"Yeah. Yeah, I know. Thanks."
Ellie cuts him short, because she feels like shit and if he keeps fussing over her she's probably going to cry again.
They don't speak again for a long time, but Ellie doesn't mind the silence because her thoughts are running rampant and it's actually rather nice to sit quietly and see some life breathed back into Joel.
And it's such a fucking relief not to be alone.
Because even after everything that's happened, that's still what she's most afraid of…being alone. She's watched everyone she's ever cared about either die or walk away and she knows it's pretty damn stupid but she cares about Joel and the thought of him not being there scares the shit out of her.
She's shaking and she doesn't know if it's from shock or the cold, only that her skin is prickled and her eyes are sore. Joel drapes one of the blankets she'd scourged for him over her shoulders, and suggests they try and get some sleep.
Sleep probably won't come easy but she's so damn tired and this time she won't wake up in a cell.
Joel lets her have the mattress, stretching out on the floor beside it, much like she had when things had been bad. It takes a long time before she's comfortable, and she's glad she can hear Joel shifting around too, because in the dark it would be easy to get caught up in thoughts she doesn't want to think about right now.
There's so much she wants to say to him, so much she told herself she'd tell him when he was good again. She'd missed him like crazy, and even if she wanted to believe she could do it all herself, having to be the front for them both had taken its toll on her.
She's not sure if that really counts for anything.
Because he's not dead and that's the most important thing.
When she opens her mouth to speak, the words that tumble out are nothing like she wants to say. And her heart sinks a little more when she realises she's not strong enough to let go of the brave face she's been wearing.
She can't be vulnerable.
"Hey Joel?" We…stick together, right?"
It's not what she wants to say, but it's enough for now. And if she holds her breath while she waits for him to answer nobody has to know but her.
"Yeah."
They move out the next morning at sunrise, and even though Joel's side is throbbing and Ellie's ribs are painfully bruised, they put up with the twinges because they both know it's better to keep moving now they can.
It takes them a few weeks of almost non stop travelling to reach the outskirts of Salt Lake City, and Ellie finds they're back to breakneck pace now that Joel's back in the driver's seat.
But she doesn't really mind, she's had her fill of giving orders.
Joel doesn't ask what happened to Callous, but Ellie knows that's just what he does when something suddenly isn't there any more. He acts as though it never existed; at least she hopes it's an act? She wonders sometimes if that's what he'd do to her, if she suddenly wasn't there.
She doesn't think on it for long though, because she doesn't like some of the thoughts she has when she does.
Ellie's thankful in a way that he doesn't ask; although it's just a horse she isn't tripping over herself to talk about it.
In fact, Joel doesn't ask about a lot that happened that winter.
It's not that he doesn't care, she tells herself, late at night on those rare occasions Joel falls asleep before she does. She can she the concern in his gaze whenever he looks, really looks, at her, and a part of her knows he doesn't like her being too quiet, even though he's still gruff and heavy handed on the surface.
He's not sure how to approach it, which is fine by her because if she's honest with herself she's not dealing with it all that fucking well. And Joel's got enough to worry about.
But then, so has she.
Ellie's never really asked Joel what he thinks about all of this because she's got a pretty good idea and she's not sure she'd like the answer.
A part of her knows that he's expecting to get to Salt Lake City only to find the Fireflies have already high-tailed it out of there, without any indication of where they were going.
She knows he doesn't buy into all the vaccine bullshit, because whenever she has spoken about it he's been vague and not shown much interest beyond that. Ellie doesn't really begrudge him for it, because when you look past all the answers she likes to pretend they'll find in Salt Lake City, she's actually afraid they won't be there too.
Because what the hell is she supposed to do then?
When everything they've been fighting for goes to hell.
What if she's not immune? Nobody really knows shit about this whole thing and the men in suits blew their chance of finding patient zero years ago. Just because she didn't turn in two days, doesn't mean she won't eventually, whether it's two, three years or a decade down the line.
It happened to Riley, it would have happened to Tess and it happened to Sam in the space of a couple hours.
…What if it's only temporary and she loses her mind and her body to this thing?
Ellie's felt like that before, in complete control even as she falls apart from the inside, with every blow she landed on David's bloodstained body. When she knows the first three blows were probably the ones that killed him, and she wonders whether the bite on her arm does have some influence over her or if the urge to survive had taken hold.
She'd felt the tight pressure of his fingers on her neck as he'd pressed down hard enough to almost crush her throat and she'd known in that moment it was either her or him and regardless of the way things played out, only one of them would walk away from it.
She'd made fucking sure it was her.
But the overwhelming sense of fear and vicious determination she'd felt digging blade repeatedly into lifeless flesh had frightened her.
"You kill to survive…by any means necessary."
David hadn't left her a choice, she knew that and while she didn't regret what she'd done, she worried about what it had done to her, even when she's tried so hard not to let the memories take root.
She's afraid of the fucking fallout.
She's on borrowed time and there's got to be some kind of backlash.
And the ugly truth she doesn't want anyone to know is she's so goddamn close to breaking.
So…she makes a point of not asking Joel. She has doubts of her own and she's worried that the things he'll tell her will actually make sense…and she's clinging onto faith and not much else as it is.
She doesn't know if it's possible to engineer a vaccine or if it will change anything, and she feels likes shit for it but she hopes, more than believes it will. So she really doesn't need Joel offering her an out right now, because although she's scared of what will happen without the Fireflies she doesn't know if she's strong enough not to bail on the whole thing as long as she stays with Joel.
The giraffes are so fucking cool.
And for a moment she actually just stops and takes a second to stand still and appreciate what's in front of her.
"So is this everything you were hoping for?"
It's said lightly enough, but it's a loaded statement and she suddenly gets the feeling that there's more riding on this than Joel is letting on.
"It's got its ups and downs. But…you can't deny the view though."
Because that's the closest she can get to the truth without twisting what she wants to say.
"We don't have to do this. You know that, right?"
It's in there somewhere, the strange little plea she hears in her head every time Joel looks at her after they've seen off a horde or spent too long in one place. It's what she's been trying to avoid, the last thing she wants to do is throw everything Joel's done for her back in his face.
"What's the other option?"
"Go back to Tommy's, just…be done with this whole damn thing."
She'd be lying through her teeth if she said that didn't sound nice, to just shut themselves away behind electric fences and high walls and actually give living a shot for once. But it's not realistic; she has a funny feeling that if they don't see it through; everything they should have done and have done to get to this point will haunt them.
You don't just get to walk away from something like this.
Because even though the worlds' kind of shitty and humanity isn't all it's cracked up to be.
If she drops out now she's pretty much destroying all that's left.
"After all we've been through. Everything that I've done. It can't be for nothing."
She can't let it all amount to nothing, when this is over she needs to have something to show for it. Maybe Joel doesn't feel the same, but at the moment those thoughts are keeping her sane and she isn't ready to let them go just yet.
On some level she knows, the only reason she hasn't gone under aside from Joel, is the Fireflies.
"Look. I know you mean well…but there's no half-way with this. Once we're done we'll go wherever you want. Okay?"
The words sound hollow to her own ears; she can't imagine what they must sound like to Joel.
For a second she thinks he'll leave well enough alone, but he's sullen and quiet and she knows he's mulling over words that might not sound right should he say them.
He gives it a shot anyway.
"There's a reason Tommy and I don't see eye to eye on stuff."
Ellie's intrigued, he doesn't really talk about himself much so when he peels back the thick coat he shows the world and let's her glimpse the man he could've been in the past, she listens with rapt attention.
"Things I would've never touched in the past I don't bat an eye at now. I ain't proud of a lot of it kiddo, but I don't reckon I'd be standing here now if I hadn't of done it."
He speaks with a heavy air that seems to cling to him despite all her attempts to lighten the mood, though even she's got to admit she hasn't really been trying that much lately. The guilt still lingers in the darker part of her mind, as does the fear but she feels a warm sort of glow for him that she'll give her last breath to protect
So Ellie decides to do better, to try harder.
They've both done a lot of shit along the way but right now they're both still breathing.
At the very least, they've still got a chance of making that count.
"I hear you chief, loud and sodding clear. So…what'd we do now?"
"Well I ain't leaving without ya, so let's go wrap this up."
David, she thinks, as they make they're way down the steel stairwell, had been wrong.
It's not that everything happens for a reason…
It's that actions have consequences.
But morality doesn't mean shit anymore.
So it isn't even that important whether or not it's good or bad…
…It's fucking living with what you've done to survive.
All I waited for
Was a chance to make you understand
And tell you those forgotten truths you never thought were real
And if the world should turn its back, you know that I'm still here.
I won't let them break you down
And I won't hear the empty sounds
I'm hopelessly pretending that I know the answer.
When the world is insane
You get used to the pain
And you don't even know what you feel
And I am like you, all alone and confused
But you know it's not forever.
Time won't ever steal my soul
And we're not broken, so please come home
And if the world has worn you down
I'll be waiting, so please come home.
Lyrics courtesy of Goo Goo Dolls
A/N: Review?