Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass. That show belongs to Sunrise and its respected owners/creators.
So, the ideas for this story came to me at one in the morning last night, and, of course, I had to stop everything and jot down the basic outline of this oneshot in a notebook. I then continued to brainstorm all day today, and finally, instead of working on a project (which is due tomorrow), I plopped down in front of my computer and typed this story up. It's been almost two years since I've wrote fanfiction, but I've been really wanting to write a Code Geass story, especially a Kallen/Lelouch one, because this pairing doesn't get enough love, even if I start to lose coherency and start to ramble by the end of this. So, read, enjoy, and constructive criticism and reviews are incredibly welcome.
CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR TURN 25 AND THE END OF CODE GEASS
Run Away
His face was flushed; he's had a bit too much wine. Gino stumbles towards me, arms outstretched, breathes "Kallen" as if I'm a lifesaver, a lifeboat in the middle of an ocean of suits and dresses. His smile spreads across his face in a slow, slow, way, and he's in front of me, so suddenly.
"What do you want, Gino?" Shit, my voice wavered, a glimpse past my tough shell of an exterior; I step back, nearly tripping myself in these damn heels. He's just too close, all tall and towering and big, and his eyelashes are as blond as his hair, and waitwhatishedoing - !
Oh! Oh. He's kissing me, all hot and warm and desperate, and my face is burning, even when I'm frozen where I stand, and I can't, I can't do this, it's too soon, I'm not ready, I can't…!
Some small part of my brain tells me to back off, get a grip of myself, slap him, run away, do something to stop this madness that makes my mind conjure all these possibilities, possibilities of a future; a future with Gino, a future with him, and god, why is this happening now?
It feels like minutes, like hours; he finally notices my unresponsiveness. He lifts his head and opens his eyes (still a bit out of focus; whether from alcohol or the kiss, I don't know) and asks the obligatory question; "Kallen? Kallen, you okay?" I can't open my mouth, I can't trust what comes out of it, and so I shake my head while my mind screams in confusion. I'm numb I can't see my eyes are burning everything is a blur I have to get away oh god, why am I so pathetic. I wrench my arm away (since when was his arms around me?), whisper hoarsely, "Sorry," and then I bolt like an animal. My heels are getting caught in the grass, I'm tripping over my own two feet, people call out to me, but I don't care, I don't care, the only thing to do is to run away run away run away.
The Kallen of the past would think I'm a weakling, a shell of my former past, and maybe she's right. The Kallen I knew would have taken action, not stand there and let Gino kiss me, not let the situation get out of control, not let emotions govern what I do or don't do, not let false memories of what could have been, with Lelouch, with everybody I knew and loved cloud my judgment and my common sense. I think all this, but the tears are still running down my face, dripping makeup and salt water onto my dress, and I'm letting instinct lead me to run down into twilight's embrace, my heals slapping against the sidewalk's concrete, my apartment so close yet so far away, and I hope Mama is sleeping so she doesn't see me like this, her adult, her mature daughter, bawling like a little girl.
There's 5th Street, three more blocks, turn right twice, almost, almost. The rational part of my mind tells me to just flag down a taxi, but I'm beyond the point of caring, and I just want to get home without stopping, even for a moment. Behind me, the sky darkens as stars begin to dot the night's clear sky, as a storm engulfs a heart in its freezing, unrelenting grasp.
My hands are shaking as I try to unlock the door; it takes me three times to actually get the key in. It finally wrenches open, and I nearly collapse as I stumble through the hallway, kicking off my shoes. I notice a burning pain, and look down, and wince; my feet are littered with red, horrible blisters. I limp towards my bedroom, opening the door, and finally fall into my bed without even bothering to take off my beyond repairable dress. I curl into myself, my stomach a hard cold knot of guilt, and I try to control my breathing as my body still shakes with barely suppressed tears. I will myself to fall into slumber, to sleep away the night's events, but the exact opposite happens, I'm even less tired than before. My eyes are still open and I'm awake and conscious and thinking, and my mind recalls the night, from the very beginning. From the time Gino made some silly joke as he escorts me to the wedding, and I laugh because I'm in a great mood, to the exchange of vows, from Ougi to Villeta to back again, and I'm so happy, and a bit melancholy and I don't know why,to the cake, to the dinner, to the dancing, to Gino drinking more than he ought to be and I'm rolling my eyes, to the kiss, (I start to blush again, damnit), to the tears, and now… what?
I ditched my practically brother, his beautiful wife, all my friends and comrades, just to sit here and cry and replay that kiss over and over in my head. I'm such an idiot. What is wrong with me?
It was just a kiss, for god's sake.
But then, I know it was much, much more than that. Regret and sorrow course through my being, as I raise my hand to my mouth, running my fingers across my lips lightly, gently, remembering the feel of Gino's warm ones encasing mine. And I can't help but think of you, of your cold, unemotional, wonderful lips, and I think about how opposite they were from Gino's, how closed off and impassionate they were, even when I expressed my heart and soul through that one innocent kiss in the Academy's ballroom. I opened my eyes, and your face was as still as stone, and I felt my heart shattering into a million pieces, even when I put on a brave face, a calm façade, and ascended the stairs, leaving behind the could-have-beens and the dreams of a pilot and her leader. Those girly fantasies were only that; fantasies, so why am I still crying, why am I still dwelling over him, why am I agonizing over the loss of a corrupted, selfish Emperor who only thought of himself, and not thinking about what his so-called noble actions would do to the people left behind? Why can't I grow up and get past him; it's been months and I still have nightmares, with swords and screaming and bodies drenched in pools of their own blood, sliding down sickeningly, leaving trails of crimson in their wake.
As soon as I saw Zero, I knew. I knew what Lelouch was doing, what sacrifice he was about to make. I screamed and screamed, but I still saw, still experienced, your death, and every night I still see every excruciating detail rewinding and playing in my head, a twisted movie that hasn't ended yet, and it still holds and torments me, with every breath and thought and kiss.
Even in the afterlife, you're still controlling me, your pawn, your servant; I hope you're happy, Lelouch. All I can do is curse your existence while crying hypocritical tears, and shut myself away from reality, from a warm and welcoming future, into a cold one plagued by unwanted memories. I don't know what to do; I hate you and I hate Gino and I hate myself, and I wish things turned out better. But they didn't and they won't, and visions of warm expressions and vivid violet eyes leave me wanting more than I can have, more than I can ever hope for, and I think that Gino deserves far, far better than this.