I was bored when I wrote this. Really, really bored. I think that explains why it turned out like...this.
Italics=things said in the movie
Rated T for a few random swears here and there.
Cobb lies unconscious on the beach, washed up on the shore, looking like a dead man.
"Hey, that's me!" he exclaims excitedly. The entire team gives him a dubious look and returns to the movie.
Originally, they had been planning on playing I Never, but that idea was dismissed when Eames kept saying the dirtiest actions he could think of. So Ariadne had offered to grab a movie for them to watch, and ended up getting Inception and Mean Girls. The team unanimously voted for Inception, except for Ariadne, who had "picked up Mean Girls for a reason, you know!"
Luckily, she had just been kidding when she voted for the chick flick. At least, that's what she said (no, not like that).
That's how they get here—with Yusuf eating the popcorn like there's no tomorrow, and Saito smirking at himself onscreen, and Cobb getting way too excited about himself being in a movie.
Anyway, back to the movie.
They're in the same room, but now—
"Woo! We're young again!" screams Saito. He's a bit tipsy.
Arthur facepalms.
"He sold you out."
"Little bastard," growls Arthur. Cobb gives a grunt of affirmation.
There's a silence for a moment as they all watch onscreen Saito talk with Cobb and Arthur, and then Ariadne says something for the first time.
"Nash is…fugly."
"What do you want?"
"Inception."
"No shit, Sherlock," says Eames, and Saito, tipsy as ever, laughs.
"Your accent is funny," he says between chuckles.
"Don't think about elephants," Arthur says.
"I love elephants!" cries Ariadne.
"I've got someone better," says Miles.
Ariadne smirks at Cobb.
Eames whistles. "Burned!"
Cobb almost gets stuck in an alley in Mombasa.
"Jesus Christ, how much weight have you gained?" says Arthur in disbelief.
By now, everyone is a little bit drunk.
"Cobb said you'd be back."
"I tried not to come, but…"
"There's nothing quite like it."
"It's just…pure creation."
Cobb, Eames, Yusuf, and Saito all look at each other and burst into (very off-key) song.
"Sha-la-la-la-la-la don't be shy! Go on and kiss the girl!"
Arthur wants to die right there on the spot.
"Forgive me for wanting a little more specificity, Eames."
"I can spell that!" says Ariadne.
"So can I!" exclaims Yusuf.
"Me too!" roars Saito.
"Me three!" yells Cobb. When Arthur looks at him weirdly, he shrugs and says, "I have two young kids" as a means of explanation.
All of them swivel to look at Eames when he doesn't say anything.
"S-P-E-S-I-F-I-Z-I-T-E-E?" he tries.
Yusuf headdesks.
"It would have to be a 747," says Arthur.
"Blasted airplane nerd," mutters Eames, earning himself a piece of popcorn in the eye.
"I bought the airline," Saito proudly announces.
All heads swivel toward Saito and he shrugs and says, "Eh, I sold it already." Then he realizes that everyone is still staring at him.
"Yeah, I'm rich, bitches," he says nonchalantly. "Ooh! That sorta rhymes!"
"Too much free champagne?"
Yusuf blushes.
"It's too bad you didn't pee your pants up there. That would've made my year," sighs Eames.
Yusuf excuses himself to go to the bathroom and is halfway there when everyone begins laughing at him and he realizes, even in his slightly drunken state, how horrible his timing is.
The train barrels through the city.
"I like trains!" Saito sings.
Yusuf begins singing along to the song, and then everyone but Arthur joins in.
Arthur pulls out his video camera and prepares for his teammates to become viral hits on YouTube.
"Quick, gimme a kiss."
They kiss.
"They're still looking at us."
"Yeah, it was worth a shot. We should probably get out of here."
She smiles.
Ariadne turns beet red, and Eames says, "You kissed?" like a little kid, but soon enough everyone is staring at the blushing point man.
Once again, Cobb, Eames, Yusuf, and Saito all look at each other and burst into song.
"I kissed a girl and I liked it!"
Mal stabs Cobb in limbo.
"Ooh, she stabbed you!" says Yusuf.
Ariadne shoots her.
Everyone gapes at the tiny architect.
"What?" she says. "It's not my fault I had a gun!"
"Did you really have to shoot her?" says Cobb.
She gives him a look. "I was saving your sorry ass!"
"But did you have to shoot her?"
"She stabbed you."
"But you shot her!"
"BUT SHE STABBED YOU!"
"BUT YOU SHOT HER!"
"Do you want to be stuck in Limbo?"
Silence.
"Yeah, that's what I thought. Word."
Arthur gives Ariadne the oxygen tube.
The other men don't even look at each other this time.
"I've got the mooooooooooves like Jagger!"
Arthur sits RIGHT NEXT TO Ariadne.
They all open their mouths before his butt even touches the ground.
"Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you!"
The top spins…and spins…and spins...wobbles a teensy bit…and—
Cuts to black.
About five minutes later, Saito clears his throat, breaking the awkward silence in the warehouse.
"That," he says finally, "was intense, bro."
Fin.
Epilogue:
Christopher Nolan bursts into the room. The team immediately begins clamoring.
"Whoa, you're Christopher Nolan! We're in your movie!"
"I love how you spent a whole decade making it!"
"That makes me feel special!"
"You made me look like a badass genius who saved all of us!"
"I think I looked hot in the movie."
"I looked mentally disturbed."
"I looked rich!"
"I looked awesome!"
"I AM awesome!"
Silence.
"Wait...you guys are real?"