Breaking old habits

'Dear Diary. May 10th 2004 (I think…). Still on the island, today, I ate a bug…'

This was ridiculous! Closing the book she couldn't help but smile at her own wittiness, listening to Sun's words repeating themselves in her head; 'Take this – you can write down your thoughts in it. It'll help you deal with whatever troubles you are struggling with. And don't tell me you have none. I can see it in your eyes…'

Gazing at the ocean she rested her head on the palm tree behind her, thinking about the problems she knew she wouldn't be able to write about in her so called journal. One of them, she realized, was walking right over there. Turning her head she followed Sawyer with her eyes as he lazily walked down the beach, a bottle of water in one hand and a book in the other, striding along as if he owned every inch of the beach. He could drive her crazy just being there. Ever since he had coaxed her into kissing him, she had caught herself both thinking and dreaming about how it would be to be with him, to let herself be seduced by his rugged, manly looks and insinuating, though often irritatingly charming, attitude. No doubts it would be fantastic… just to let him do what ever he wanted to her.

She sighed, tearing her eyes away from him, reminding herself that Sawyer wasn't the kind of man she wanted to be with – or, rather, she didn't want to be with men like him anymore. Through the years she had been with too many guys like Sawyer, men who only seemed to want her on a superficial level, and those relationships always ended in disaster. Every time, they seemed to have one out of two outcomes; the guy either treated her like garbage or he bolted the minute she wanted more than just sex from him. And she knew Sawyer was the epitome of the man she always fell for – charming, tough and exiting.

And she wanted more this time. A guy who didn't run away screaming the first time she said the word 'intimacy', who wanted to talk to her for more than two minutes at the time, someone who genuinely respected her. Someone like…him.

Spotting Jack out of the corner of her eye, she smiled, noticing the sizzling feeling he so often evoked in her – she really was attracted to him too, and it was a much deeper attraction than the one she felt when looking at Sawyer. In Jack she saw a future partner, in Sawyer a one-night-stand.

But the thing about Jack was that she never really knew where she had him – was he as interested in her as she was in him? Or was she misunderstanding his signals? She didn't have much experience with men like Jack and she couldn't quite figure him out.

Fiddling with her journal she contemplated whether or not to write any of her serious thoughts down, but she quickly decided not to. Leaving the book behind she got up and walked down the beach where she, after a quick glance at Sawyer, joined Jack and the others.

- - - - -

He was looking at her. She could feel it miles away. Staring at the fire in front of her she heard the sound of him coming closer, stopping only a few feet from where she was sitting, but she didn't seem to take notice. A few seconds he just stood there before he quietly sat down in the sand next to her, not saying a word. After about a minute she asked,

- 'What do you want Sawyer?'

He grinned, lightly shaking his head, answering,

- 'Nothing special Sweet cheeks, I was just wandering around trying to drown all my worries when I realized that it might seem kind of pathetic to stumble around on this hell hole of an island drinking alone, so…' he opened his backpack, showing her his entire stock of miniature liquor bottles, '…I thought I'd find the one person on this beach who can stand the sight of me…'

- 'Don't flatter yourself,' she said, running her hand through her hair, trying to sound a little stern. It didn't really seem to work.

- 'Just take one. If you want, we'll drink in silence,' he replied, offering her one of the bottles, while busy emptying one of his own.

She took it without any objections, emptying it within 30 seconds, then putting it down beside her. Instantly he tossed her another one. She took that one too.

After sitting silently together for about half an hour, Kate suddenly got up, stating,

- 'I'm gonna go to bed.'

- 'You want me to join you?' Sawyer quickly replied, smiling wryly at her, while he was obviously checking her out, top to bottom.

- 'I'm not that drunk,' she said, as she started walking away from him, trying to suppress the feeling of longing his otherwise so common remark had brought up in her – it had been a while since she'd been with a man and, on a very superficial level, Sawyer was exactly the kind of man she needed. A part of her had instantly wanted to accept his offer.

She hadn't yet taken more than a few steps before a sound in the sand behind her made it clear that Sawyer had gotten up. A few seconds later she felt him taking a hold of her arm, spinning her around with a surprisingly controlled force, which made the two of them stand intimately close to each other.

His eyes were piercing hers, leaving no doubt in her mind about his intensions, and she felt her body responding to the mere prospect of actually having sex with him. But at the same time she heard herself whispering,

- 'I'm not sure I want this…'

- 'Just give me 5 minutes…' he replied, his mouth moving from her lips to her ear, keeping only about an inch of air between the two of them every part of the way. Both of his hands had traveled south, now resting on her lower back, applying just enough pressure to make their hips join together at their every movement, as he started telling her exactly what he was going to do to her if she would let him.

And he didn't need 5 minutes. His words and his touch sent a rush of warmth through her body, and when he began kissing her throat, without hesitation ripping off her shirt, she responded in the same manner, pulling off his white blouse, wanting to touch him all over rather sooner than later.

A surge of energy went through her as Sawyer snapped off her bra with ease, dropping it on the ground, and she couldn't suppress a gasp as she felt her nipples hardening under his eager touch, all the while she could sense him observing her, obviously thriving on her excitement. As she was on his.

Without any notice he suddenly stood up straight, staring her right in the eyes as he let one hand go over her face, grabbing her hair by the roots as he got to it, in a somewhat gentle motion forcing her to bent over backwards as his other arm was making sure she wasn't going to fall. Giving him access to her throat and chest this way he let his mouth glide down her body, kissing and licking her on the way, and as he got to her breasts he stopped, enjoying the small twitches she made when ever he allowed himself to suckle hard on her nipples, lightly biting down once in a while just to feel her fingernails dig in to the back of his head every time he did so.

Completely surrendering to the feeling of his touch Kate didn't hear the discrete click of a belt being unbuckled or the louder thumb of a pair of pants falling to the ground, she only felt Sawyer's hard dick suddenly pushing against her stomach, making her breathing even faster, as she frantically attempted to remove her own pants. But he wouldn't let her. Pushing away her hands he himself pulled off her pants, having done so, placing his hands on her ass picking her up with an extraordinary ease, she helping him by wrapping her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist.

Taking a few steps they bumped up against a tree where Sawyer impatiently tore off Kate's panties, running his hand up and down her thighs and stomach before letting his thumb slide in between her legs, finding her hard nodule and gently massaging it, while watching his partner getting more and more exited by every touch.

And as Kate threw her head back in a feeling of pure ecstasy Sawyer could no longer wait – without warning he entered her deeply, making her cry out with both pleasure and surprise.

The bark from the tree they were leaning up against was cutting into her back at every thrust, but Kate didn't seem to mind – if anything the pain just intensified the mind blowing orgasm she was about to have and she was getting there quickly. Watching Sawyer she noticed how out of control he looked, the way he was doing her almost seemed savage-like, it was exactly how she'd imagined. Just as wild, amazing and… impersonal. There was no intimacy between them what so ever – they were simply having sex. That was it. Up until now, she realized, he hadn't even tried to kiss her…

Remembering how passionately they had kissed some time ago she leaned on him, wanting to place her lips on his, but he turned his head, instead ordering,

'Say my name!'

When she didn't react he repeated himself, thrusting harder to give her a reason to do so, and within seconds she moaned,

'Sawyer! Oh God Sawyer…'

Reaching her peak she screamed out her sweet release as Sawyer simultaneously spilled inside her.

Every expectation being fulfilled Kate rested her head on Sawyer's shoulder, both of them still panting from the night's efforts, and she took his hand lovingly, entwining her fingers with his, looking for nice, affectionate way to end what they had started. But instead of responding to her initiative, he said,

- It's getting chilly. We should get dressed.'

Watching him as he let go of her hand, walking towards his clothes lying scattered all over the ground, she suddenly felt a hint of remorse. She had warned herself about this, about getting involved with a man who she knew only wanted her for sex, but she never seemed to listen to herself. Every time her mind and body wanted two different things she let her body win, and therefore ended up getting burned. Just as wonderful as the sex always was, just as terrible did the aftermath feel.

No longer feeling all that comfortable being naked, Kate took a few steps towards her jeans and, as she had confirmed that her panties were too ripped to wear, she quickly pulled on her pants, her eyes searching for her bra, which she knew had to be on the ground close by.

Spotting it not far away she picked it up, attempting to put it on when she was distracted by a noise from somewhere in front of her. It was the distinct sound of footsteps in the sand…

By reflex she covered her chest, glancing at Sawyer to see if he had noticed anything, and the second she turned her head again she saw Jack, standing only 10 feet away, staring at her with shocked surprise.

The sight of him almost brought tears to her eyes. How could she have been so stupid! Now she'd most certainly blown any chance she might have had to be with Jack, and for what? One night with Sawyer?

Taking a step forward she uttered,

- 'Jack, I…', but the moment she started speaking Jack turned around and walked away without saying a word.

Feeling almost physically ill Kate sat down in the sand, closing her bra, while looking back at Sawyer who had come closer, now standing almost right behind her. There was a smug grin on his face and, as though he wanted to comfort her in his own weird way, he said,

'Don't worry Freckles, he's just mad that I got there first…'

- - - - -

To be continued…