Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi
A/N: So I just found this as I was going through my computer and thought I'd post it!
Guilt
He is the way he is because of her.
Every morning he wakes from dreams of her, drenched in a cold sweat, an ache in his chest. He hadn't loved her –he knows that now– but that doesn't stop him from missing her. The guilt he feels over the entire thing is all-consuming, and he often wishes he had loved her, because if he had, maybe he wouldn't have started the fight; if they'd loved each other, there wouldn't have been any reason for a fight in the first place.
"I can't believe you! How could you do something like that?"
"I didn't, Julia! You don't get it!"
"Yes, I do. It's crystal clear to me, Eli. You'd rather have her."
"No! It's not even like that!"
"Don't lie to me."
"I'm not! God, you never take my word for anything."
They were only teenagers, for God's sake; they were in grade ten. Students in grade ten shouldn't have these kinds of relationship issues…
To love someone is also to trust them completely, and Julia didn't trust him at all. She always assumed the worst of any situation, and they fought constantly because of it. Looking back, he knows he should have gotten out a while back, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Instead, he kept fighting, said things he wishes he hadn't, and watched her ride off in the dark. He was so mad at her that he didn't even watch to make sure she got down the street to the lights. He didn't leave his cell phone on to make sure she got home, and he didn't think about anything except how mad he was at her until the next morning.
"Eli. Eli, sweetie, wake up," His mother's soft voice pulled him from his dreams. If he had been lucid, he would have heard it right away in her voice. He would have heard the pain and sadness in her tone and he would have immediately known something was wrong.
As it was, he didn't understand the finer points of voice analysis this early in the morning, and rolled back over, groaning.
"Eli. You have to wake up. Something's happened."
Eli's eyes widened and he was awake instantly.
He remembers everything about that day in impeccable detail, yet it's all a blur. It happened so fast, yet it seemed like it had been only an hour when he crawled back into bed at nightfall. She was dead. Julia was dead. And it was his fault.
The guilt consumes him the most at night, when he's alone with his thoughts. There's nothing in the dark of his room to chase away the memories from the back of his mind.