PONYBALL Z ABRIDGED
Episode 1: The Return of Shining Armor! ... Wait...
Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody of a non-profit fan-based parody. Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z, and Dragon Ball GT are all owned by Funimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriama. My Little Pony is owned by Hasbro and Lauren Faust. "Dragonball Z Abridged" is owned by Team Four Star and LittleKuriboh. Please support the story by reading and reviewing, and by supporting the official release of "Dragonball Z Abridged".
It was a beautiful afternoon in Equestria. The sun was shining in the sky. The pegasi had cleared away most of the clouds, leaving only a few hanging in the crystal-blue sky. The light reflecting off the mountains made them shine as if they were made of pure diamonds. On a ranch just outside Ponyville, a farmer named Sugar Cube was tending to his crops and livestock. A few hummingbirds hummed around the nearby flowers. Overhead, a grey pegasus with yellow eyes drifted across the sky, giggling about muffins. A dog glanced curiously at the fence surrounding the farm, then walked away. In the pasture, the ostriches were eager for the grain they would soon be given. All was peaceful.
That is, until the alien spacecraft slammed into a field next to the pasture.
Sugar Cube stared in horror at the burning crater in the middle of the field. "Oh Faust no, my sugar cane patch!" he cried in horror. Then he paused and glanced upwards at the pegasus overhead; remembering that private production of sugar was forbidden by royal decree, he quickly added, "Uh... I mean...my berry patch. Yeah."
He quickly galloped over to the crash site. Sugar Cube was not an impressive sight: he was a squat, chubby earth pony with a yellow coat, black mane, and cutie mark of... well, a sugar cube. He had never dealt with anything more dangerous than a stampeding ostrich and the occasional sugar raid by the royal guards.
Well, he thought, I'd better do what any sensible earth pony would do in this situation: get mah spear!
He took a detour to a nearby apple tree, under which he always kept a sharpened spear which had been handed down by his father. He swung it over his shoulder into a position where it could easily be thrown if danger appeared. He then slowly advanced toward the edge of the crater.
At the base of the crater was the object itself: a perfect sphere of metal with a window built into one side. As Sugar Cube watched, the section of the sphere with the window retracted, revealing itself to be a door. Blinding light spilled out of the doorway, and a robotic voice spoke from inside.
"Hello, and welcome to Gaia, with open bar," it said simply.
A shadowy figure slowly emerged from the pod. Sugar Cube's jaw dropped open. "Holy crap, it's Daring D- no, it's an alien! Holy s[yay]t, it's an alien!"
The figure slowly levitated out of the crater and came to land in front of Sugar Cube. It looked like a unicorn with a pure white coat, a long blue mane, and wearing some kind of futuristic armor. The only thing that distinguished it from being a pony was the fact that it had two tails: a long blue one, looking no different from a normal tail, and a short, fuzzy, rounded brown one below it. Over one eye he wore a strange device which consisted of a green glass lens with a metal strap connecting it to a small device just over the ear. The creature landed on the ground and looked at the surrounding land, revealing he had a cutie mark of a shield bearing a star.
"Ah!" he exclaimed. "Finally on this dead plan-"
He trailed off mid-sentence. He looked around in what appeared to be deep confusion as he stared at the plants, trees, birds, wildlife, nervous earth pony, and so on.
"Wait... what the crap?!" he exclaimed, looking at the beautiful landscape as if confused by its presence. "Did World Crusher screw this up?!" He facehoofed from frustration. "Oh God dammit, I knew we should have sent Suri."
Sugar Cube was so nervous that the spear on his back trembled. "Better think of something cool to say to make him stop," he muttered. He turned, crouched down into a throwing stance, and pointed the spear at the alien. "HEY YOU!" he screamed.
Genius, Sugar, he thought proudly. Genius.
The alien seemed to notice the farmer for the first time since exiting the pod; he turned and chuckled. "Aww, look at him, he thinks he matters," he said. "What's your power level, little pony?" He pushed a button on the strange lens device; digital numbers began to flash up in the lens. The alien grinned evilly. "Five, huh?" he asked, advancing on the earth pony, who quickly backed into a nearby boulder in an attempt to escape the alien.
"Protect me, spear!" screamed the farmer, hurling the weapon at the alien. Without so much as blinking, the alien caught the weapon in mid-air with his magic.
"Hey!" he snapped. "No! Bad pony!"
He rotated the spear around and, with a kick of magic, sent it hurtling back at Sugar Cube at ten times the speed it had originally been thrown. It impaled him in the chest and flung him backward into the boulder again. He fell to the ground, lifeless.
"Bad!" snapped the alien. "Now get back up and tell me you're sorry!" There was an awkward pause. "Pony?" asked the alien. "Poooony?" He looked at the corpse and finally realized why it wasn't getting back up.
He sighed. "So this is why Dad said I couldn't keep Braeburn," he muttered.
(Cue the theme song!)
About a hundred miles away, in the Meteor Wastes, another alien was preparing for his daily training regimen. Her name was Lyra, and unlike the other alien (whose name I neglected to mention was Shining Armor), she sort of looked the part. For one thing, she had green skin; not a green coat, but actual mint-green skin. On her front hooves were strange devices with what appeared to be stubby, clawlike appendages attached. Her magic was orange, and her cutie mark was the instrument she was named after.
Also, she was wearing a turban. Don't ask me why, she just was.
What was she training for? Why, to conquer and enslave the entire world, of course! What else?
"Good old wasteland!" she declared. "Yep! Sure is some kick-flank training!" She paused and looked around at the empty landscape. "Dammit I'm lonely," she muttered.
She quickly pulled out a laptop. "Might as well check MySpace," she said, manipulating the mouse and keys with her magic. She quickly navigated to her profile. "No new comments...no friend requests...dammit." She clicked over into her nearly empty friend box; it held only one photo, that of a large rock.
"Well, at least I have you, Tom," she said, smiling just a little. "You're always there for me." She closed the laptop and stowed it away. Tom was her only friend; by some weird glitch (probably orchestrated by her other half, the aging goddess Cadance), the rock had gained a MySpace profile and friended everyone on the site. Still, she liked Tom; she'd probably kill him last.
"HEY, YOU!" screamed a voice from the horizon.
"What the hay?!" exclaimed Lyra, spinning to look for the source of the voice.
"Are you World Crusher?" called the distant voice. "Seriously, if you are, stay still! I need to talk to you about killing and selling this planet! It's REALLY important!"
A figure appeared in the sky, flying at tremendous velocity. To his surprise, Lyra noticed it was a unicorn; no wings in sight. Clearly this new arrival was tremendously powerful. The figure (who was, of course, Shining Armor) landed in front of Lyra, surprisingly gently for having been flying so fast. The device on his face, which was called a scouter, made a beeping noise and flashed some numbers. Shining took a glance at Lyra.
"Oh, wait a second," he added. "You're not World Crusher. My bad!"
"I've got green skin, robotic hands, and a turban," said Lyra flatly. "Oh yeah, I must look like SO MANY OTHER PONIES."
"Oh, a smart-flank, huh?" challenged Shining smugly. "I don't appreciate smart-flanks. Prepare yourself for my signature attack: Double Sun-!"
Suddenly something very odd happened. Without any warning everything froze; the entire universe stood still. All colors instantly faded away, leaving only black and white. There was also no sound...apart from that of what sounded like two voices arguing.
"NO!" shouted the first voice.
"Huh?" asked the second voice, which sounded like that of Shining.
"Give me the mike!" snapped the first voice. This was accompanied by the sounds of a struggle.
"No!" shouted the second voice. "Come on, man!"
"Give me the mike!" repeated the first voice. The screen cut to a shot of the Mane 6, accompanied by words reading "We are experiencing technical difficulties."
"It's a real attack!" the second voice protested.
"No it isn't!" shouted the first.
Finally some sort of decision seemed to be reached; there was a sound like an object being passed between the two speakers.
"Fine!" snapped the second voice. "Take it! I'll just go practice my Rainbow Dash...ass."
The technical difficulties screen disappeared, showing that the world was now moving and in full color again. Shining Armor pointed his horn at Lyra and spoke, now in a voice more similar to the first speaker.
"Prepare yourself for my signature attack!" he called. "Keep your eye on the birdie!"
Suddenly Shining's scouter beeped; numbers began to flash up on it.
"Ooh, a higher power level!" Shining exclaimed. He quickly flew up about a hundred feet into the air to attempt to triangulate the source of the signal, leaving Lyra on the ground.
"Hey, what the hay?!" exclaimed Lyra. "Weren't you going to kill me?"
"Ah, there we go," said Shining, not listening; he had just figured out where the energy signal was coming from. "Considering the average set by this one green mare and that farmer, the chances of this being World Crusher are... ah screw it, I'll just go check." And with that, he flew off.
"Fine!" Lyra shouted after the receding alien. "Go ahead! I didn't want your company anyway!" She turned back to her laptop. "Right, Tom?" she asked to no one in particular.
Meanwhile, on a remote island in the middle of the ocean, a unicorn was just coming in for a landing. You may be wondering why a unicorn was flying; the simple answer is that she was piloting a helicopter, the model of which she had personally helped invent.
Her name was Fleur Dis Lee, youngest member of the billionaire Dis Lee family. She had a glossy white coat, a pale pink mane, a longer-than-average horn, and a cutie mark of three fleurs-de-lis. She was as intelligent as she was beautiful (most of the time), and she had doctorates in bioengineering and evolutionary biology; her real passion, though, was inventing, as was her father's. However, her real talents were the two which had kept her alive over the course of several life-threatening adventures in her youth: being rich and knowing when not to get involved in fights.
She landed the helicopter, turned of the engines and the radio (playing the hit single "Mares Just Wanna Have Fun"), and clambered down to the ground. The island she had landed on was absolutely tiny; it was more or less a patch of grass with a house built on it, surrounded by a thin beach. This was Cadenza House; Fleur had never been sure if the misspelling of the goddess's name had been a mistake or not. This was where her friends had trained years ago, as part of the quest she had...well, not exactly fond memories, but memories nonetheless.
She climbed up to the front door and opened it with her magic. "Hey, I'm here!" she called inside.
"Flanks!" exclaimed one of the two creatures inside. "Er," he corrected quickly, "I mean...Fleur! Hi."
"Ooookay..." said Fleur awkwardly.
The creature that had spoken was a purple dragon named Spike. She had met Spike years earlier through a mutual friend. Though the dragon was about 26 years old now, he looked no different from when Fleur had met him when he was 13. He was extremely short, barely coming up to Fleur's knees, with purple scales and green spines on his head. He was apparently considered the strongest dragon martial artist on the planet...which apparently didn't amount to much: the guy got beat up a LOT.
"...how's it going?" asked Fleur. The conversation was rather awkward, and not just because of Spike's not-so-subtle comment about Fleur's appearance. This was the first time they'd seen each other in about five years; how to you open that conversation?
Granny Smith knew exactly how to open it. "I'm drinking OJ!" she exclaimed, holding up the large pitcher of orange liquid she was drinking. With a small *ding* sound, it turned dark brown. "Now it's apple juice!" she added. With another small *ding* it changed color again. "Now it's beer! Yay, beer!" She began to chug down the liquid.
Granny Smith was...weird. She was one of the best martial artists in the world, having personally trained atop the Angel Lookout in her youth. In fact, most of Fleur's friends, including Spike, had trained with her at some point. However, Granny also had a nasty habit of flirting with stallions- and mares- significantly younger than herself. (Granted, it would be a bit hard for her to find dates her own age, seeing as she was rapidly approaching 400 years old. Still, gross.) It had made things uncomfortable on more than one occasion, particularly on their first meeting. Ugh.
"So where's Flash?" asked Spike cheerfully.
This was the wrong move. The mere mention of her coltfriend made Fleur's mane stand on end. "I think the bastard's cheating on me!" she exclaimed.
"Why do you say that?" asked Spike in surprise.
"Fleur!" cried Flash in horror, staring at Fleur standing framed in the doorway. "It's not what it looks like- oh, okay, it's totally what it looks like." There was an even more awkward silence. "Can I still live here?" the pegasus asked hopefully. "Please? Before this I was living in the desert. Oh, and have you cleaned up after Winona yet?"
"I make boom-boom!" exclaimed the dog helpfully.
"Oh, are you serious?!" exclaimed Spike in disgust. "Flash? That is so out of char- so you're single, then?"
At that moment, outside the house, another pony had just arrived- or rather, two ponies. The first pony was the one who joined everypony here together: Twilight Sparkle. Known to those who had met her as the world's greatest martial artist, she had been found by her adoptive grandmother in the forest as a filly. Unfortunately, said grandmother had also managed to drop young Twilight on her head rather hard, leading to her not being particularly clever outside her areas of expertise. Twilight had flown in on the Flying Larson, a magical golden cloud that probably tastes like cotton candy.
The second pony is a surprise. We'll meet her shortly.
"Hey girls!" exclaimed Twilight, walking towards the front door.
"Twilight!" exclaimed Fleur, rushing out the door.
"Tail!" exclaimed Spike. Then he noticed the other pony: a young yellow pegasus filly with a pink mane and a silly hat sitting on Twilight's back. "Um...wait, what?"
Fleur had noticed it as well. "Um...Twilight?" she asked. "I can't help but notice that five-year-old you're carrying."
"Twilight," said Spike, who as usual found himself in the mindset of being unable to believe he had to explain this, "just because we picked you up in the middle of the woods when you were a filly doesn't mean you can go around stealing foals."
"Uh...okay?" said Twilight doubtfully. "This is actually my daughter." She turned around, revealing that the filly had a second ape-like tail below her regular one, just as Twilight had when she was younger.
Everyone gaped. They had absolutely no idea that Twilight had had a foal; in fact, no one had heard a word about this.
"What a twist!" exclaimed M. Night Shyamarelan, a famous director who dropped in exclusively to say this line before disappearing through the power of terrible writing.
"Oh wow!" exclaimed Fleur. "I guess this means you finally...you know..."
"Know what?" asked Twilight in confusion.
Instantly Granny Smith was by her side. "You know," she said with a nudge. "Bow-chicka-wow-wow!"
"What are those noises you're making?" asked Twilight.
At that moment, Fleur and Granny Smith both had the same thought: 'OH MY FAUST, SHE'S A PARENT!'
By this point the filly had crawled down from her mother's back. It was now on the beach playing with a turtle in the surf.
"So when's the little girl gonna start training?" asked Spike.
"Actually, Tavi is making her study," said Twilight. "She wants her to grow up and be... what's it called?"
"A productive and responsible member of society?" suggested Spike.
"Yeah, lame, that's it!" exclaimed Twilight. "Hey Fluttershy, come here!" she called to the little filly. "Stop playing with that turtle! We don't need ponies saying things."
The filly quickly cantered over to her mother and sat down. It was just then that Fleur got a good look at the hat: it was red, multi-tiered like a cake, and on top was...
"Hey, isn't that a Ponyball on her head?" asked Fleur in surprise, recognizing the familiar orange sphere with four red stars. "Doesn't that sort of make her a target for villains who might want them?"
"Aw come on!" scoffed Twilight. "I beat Lyra! I'm strong enough to beat anyone who- HOLY PINK ON A PINKAMENA, WHAT IS THAT?!" She had suddenly spun around to stare off into the sky.
"What's wrong?" asked Granny Smith.
"I just felt a power level bigger than...than...Spike's losing streak!" exclaimed Twilight.
"You know, you girls are the reason I go to therapy," muttered Spike.
Twilight still stared into the patch of sky where she felt the power level emanating from. He's...getting closer! she thought.
"Shouldn't we take Fluttershy and put her insi-" began Spike.
At that moment, Shining Armor dropped out of the sky and landed on the beach. Twilight quickly dropped into a defensive stance.
"Oh, son of a-!" snapped Spike.
"It took me a while to get here," said Shining, looking at Twilight, "but I finally found you...World Crusher."
"What?" asked Twilight in confusion.
"That's right," said Shining. "That's your name."
"What?" asked Twilight in confusion.
"The name you were given before we sent you to this planet."
"What?" asked Twilight in confusion.
"You...hit your head as a foal, didn't you?" sighed Shining.
Twilight thought back to her earliest memories: sharp pain in her head as a foal, followed by looking up at the smiling face of her adoptive Grandma Flutters.
"What?" asked Twilight in confusion.
"Oh for God's sakes, listen!" snapped Shining. "You were sent here as a foal to take over the planet. You are part of a dead race of intergalactic super-warriors called the Saiyans. And to top of this expositional onslaught, I...AM YOUR BROTHER!"
Twilight gasped. Fleur gasped. Spike gasped. Granny Smith's eyes widened. Even a nearby crab fell off the coconut tree it had been climbing.
Spike was the first to recover his voice. "So you're her brother, huh?" he asked, strolling over to the new arrival. "Wow, that must mean you'll be involved in a lot of future events, right?" There was a pause. "Right?" he added.
Fortunately the moment was spared from getting any more awkward by Shining punching Spike so hard that he flew backwards, smashing straight through the boards of the house behind him. He lay there, dazed in confused, hating his luck. (Spike Owned Count: 1)
"Hey, stop hitting Spike!" snapped Twilight.
"Why?" challenged Shining.
"Because you're breaking Cadenza House!" exclaimed the purple unicorn.
"Yeah," said the dragon weakly. "Stop breaking Cadenza House."
"So," said Twilight, "what are you here for? The Ponyballs?"
"The...the pony's what?!" exclaimed Shining in confusion and mild disgust.
"The Ponyballs!" said Twilight, thinking about all the times she had gathered up the mystical orbs that summoned the wish-granting giant alicorn. "You know...there are seven of them, they grant you any wish you want...like immortality..."
"Or Fleur's panties," added Owlowiscious, who had just now strolled outside. The owl-like shapeshifter was referring to the first time Twilight and Fleur had gathered the Ponyballs, when he had prevented a very short emperor from conquering the world with their power by making a wish for a pair of Fleur's underpants.
Meanwhile, on another planet...
Two ponies were listening in on the conversation from Shining's scouter, which he had accidentally left on. One of them was pink, the other blue with a rainbow mane. The second tail indicated they were both Saiyans.
"Rainbow Dash!" exclaimed the first one. "Did you hear that?"
"Oh yeah, we're totally going to Gaia to get our wish!" exclaimed the second one.
"Yeah, we're gonna get panties!" exclaimed the first one.
There was an awkward silence.
"I mean immortality," the first one added quickly. "Immortality is what I meant! Right, Rainbow Dash?"
The second one sighed. She still couldn't believe she was stuck with this idiot. "Just get in the damn pod," she muttered.
Meanwhile, back at Cadenza House...
"No," said Shining Armor, striding forward towards his sister. "I'm here for you...World Crusher."
"So, what are we gonna do?" asked Twilight brightly. "See a hoofball game? Catch a movie?"
"We're going to kill everypony on the planet and sell it for profit to an alien overlord who may or may not have destroyed our own planet!" exclaimed Shining.
"...oh," said Twilight. "Well...I sort of like ponies here, so with all due respect..."
That was as far as Twilight got before Shining brought his front right knee up into her gut. Twilight was sent flying backwards, collapsing into the sand several meters away.
"Daddy!" cried Fluttershy, running towards Twilight in horror.
"I'll be taking this! Yoink!" exclaimed Shining, snatching the filly up with his magic. With that he leapt into the air and began flying away, magically suspended filly in tow.
"Quick, somepony stop him!" cried Twilight.
Absolutely no one on the island made a move to chase after the receding stallion. Somehow, crickets could be heard chirping.
"Dammit, Spike!" moaned Twilight.
"Hey, I was nag-slapped through a house!" snapped Spike. "What's YOUR excuse?!"
"I was kneed in the stomach!" exclaimed Twilight.
"You girls are pathetic!" shouted a voice from overhead.
Everyone looked up in astonishment. Hovering over the island was Twilight's arch-nemesis: Lyra. Ever since Twilight had defeated her plan to conquer the world, she had been planning revenge, training to become stronger in order to one day defeat Twilight and conquer all of Gaia.
"What?" asked Lyra innocently.
"Oh geez," sighed Twilight as Lyra landed on the beach in front of her. "Hey look: I know you totally want to kill me and all, but...today's kind of a bad day. My brother just shows up; turns out I'm an alien; he stole my foal..."
"Oh yeah, I was watching that," laughed Lyra. "That was priceless! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA sorry for your loss."
There was an awkward silence. "Yeaaaah," said Twilight uncertainly. "Anyway...wanna help me get her back?"
"Why?" asked Lyra.
"I'll friend you on MySpace!"
Lyra considered this deal for two seconds.
One minute later, Twilight and Lyra were streaking through the sky, Lyra flying along with her magic, Twilight riding the Flying Larson.
Tom, you've been replaced, thought the daughter of the Demon Queen triumphantly.
Meanwhile, back in Cadenza house, in a scene of questionable canonicity...
With a *ding*, the glass turned into a candy bar.
"Now it's a Nestle crunch bar!" exclaimed Granny Smith.
*Ding*!
"Now it's a gummy bear!"
*Ding*!
"Now it's Pinkie Pie!"
"Wait, what the hell?" exclaimed the head of the pink earth pony.
A/N: So I found this story again and decided it needed to be rewritten. I thought a lot about the characters, and ended up thinking I wanted to totally change a couple of things. Expect that to happen from time to time as I revisit this story. In particular I decided that Chi-Chi should be played by Octavia rather than by Flash Sentry; the genders get desynced, but on reflection Flash is much better suited to play Yamcha, in that everyone seems to hate him, including life. (Best pony Derpy doesn't deserve to be stuck as Yamcha anyway.) Plus, having Flash in the role of Chi-Chi will create plot holes around the Cell Saga. As for how Twilight and Octavia had a foal, I had a big idea about psychic mating and magical transference, but ultimately I just decided it would be easier to say that Saiyans have both male and female reproductive systems. So Twilight identifies as female, but can also reproduce with another mare; same with Rainbow Dash. The mare who didn't carry the foal is described as the "father" out of convenience.