I'm back with a brand new story! It is going to be reeeeeeeeeeally long, so sit tight. I hope you'll enjoy the ride!
Disclaimer: Don't own anything.
This is going to be rated M for future chapters. PS- This is going to be a very slow build up to an eventual A/O relationship. If you don't like slow build ups or femslash, you should turn away now. Also, I do my own editing so all mistakes are mine. I apologise in advance!
The start of this story is based on the episode "Ghost". However, I've alternated it to fit the rest of this story.
Olivia was on a high, celebrating with everyone the fact that they had gotten a guilty verdict for Alex, for Antonio, and for every person Connors had killed. He would rot in prison, and it was another small step towards stopping Velez and bringing Alex home.
Alex. God, she had missed her. Olivia looked around the room, smiling at her coworkers. They probably assumed that she was smiling because of the verdict, and she was, kind of, but the real reason was that she knew that Alex was coming tonight to celebrate. She wanted to talk to her, to be near her, to touch her before the woman had to leave again.
That was a thought that made Olivia's smile falter. She was going to have to leave again…Last night, in the hotel room, they hadn't talked about it. At least not really. They hadn't talked about the fact that they hadn't seen each other in over a year. They hadn't talked about the fact that Olivia had been busting her ass for a year looking for Velez so that Alex could come home. They hadn't really discussed her sudden return either. They hadn't talked about the fact that they both stayed up at night, tossing and turning in bed and thinking about the other woman. They hadn't talked about the fact that Alex had been ripped away from her, just as they had started a relationship. They hadn't talked about the fact that Olivia would always wait for her, no matter how long it took…
Instead, they had lain in bed after Alex had looked at the file, the blonde wrapped in Olivia's arms. The detective had held her close, and when Alex started to sob against her, Olivia held her tighter and comforted her. They said nothing though. The mood in the room said enough. And when they woke up the next morning, still wrapped in each other's arms, Olivia's heart broke at the thought of having to say goodbye to her yet again. But she knew they'd at least have tonight, after the celebration.
And so here she was, waiting for Alex with everyone else. She grinned widely when they heard someone approach the door. She held her glass tight, the fingers of her other hand tapping excitedly against her leg. When D.E.A. Agent Jack Hammond walked in, Olivia looked behind him.
"Where's Alex?"
"Marshals are moving her and Antonio to new identities," he explained, looking away. When he looked back, he looked directly at Olivia. "She asked me to say goodbye."
Hammond prepared for Olivia's questions, something Alex had warned him would happen. The blonde had told him that Olivia wouldn't take the news well, and that she would become upset. However, the brunette did not react as Alex had predicted. For a moment, she looked hurt, saddened, until something flashed across her eyes. She raised her eyebrows, turned and placed her glass on the table a little too forcefully, and marched over to him.
"Take me to her."
"Olivia-" Elliot called from behind her.
"Take me to her, now," she said forcefully.
Hammond shook his head.
"That's not possible. They're getting ready to be moved."
"Which means they haven't moved her yet. Get on the phone, call whoever needs to be called up, and get me to her. If you don't, I swear to God, I will make you regret it."
"Olivia, you cannot threaten-" Captain Cragen started, but stopped when Hammond held his hand up.
"It's fine. Can I speak with you outside, detective?" he said curtly.
Everyone watched in silence as the detective led the way out of the room, followed by Hammond. When the door closed behind them, Olivia turned around and faced him.
"I want to see her."
"I know. She warned me that-"
"Take me to her," she said. "I need to speak with her."
Olivia could feel her anger boiling. God damn it, Alex. Fuck. Why would she leave like this, without even saying goodbye? Without anything? She was directing her anger at Hammond instead of Alex right now, but she didn't care. She needed to see the blonde and would do anything to do so.
Hammond sighed. Alex had warned him that Olivia might also become aggressive and angry. It seemed she was choosing that approach. There was no time to argue with her, and in the event that she insisted forcefully, Alex had agreed to have her come before she left.
"You won't have much time."
"I don't need much."
He looked at her carefully for a moment before turning and leading the way to his car. They drove in silence to a safe house forty five minutes away. When they arrived, Olivia was still battling her anger. She thought she had gotten it under control, until she saw Alex sitting calmly at the kitchen table.
"I figured you wouldn't just let me go."
Truth be told, Alex was glad that Olivia had fought, that she had insisted on seeing her. She knew she needed to see the other woman, but at the same time, she couldn't face her. She couldn't say goodbye again; it would hurt too much. She was relieved to see her now though, even if she could feel the lump of sadness in her throat starting already.
"You were just going to leave? Don't I at least warrant a goodbye? Some kind of acknowledgement?"
"Liv…"
"No. You can't just walk out of my life like this, Alex. Not again. I can't do this again. And to think you were just going to leave without even talking to me-" Olivia stopped when her voice broke.
Alex motioned to the door behind them.
"Can we talk in there?"
"You need to make it quick, Alex. It won't be much longer before we have to leave."
Alex glanced at Hammond.
"You can wait until we've finished," she snapped, turning and leading the way to the bedroom.
Olivia followed her in, her anger dissipating slightly. It always did when she saw Alex. The truth was that she was hurt and she was scared, but the anger was what surfaced first. Now that she had let some of it out, it was crumbling and she was left with what she really felt: fear and hurt. She couldn't lose Alex again. Seeing her these past couple of days had reminded her of just how much she had missed her, needed her, and the thought of having to relive life without her… she couldn't do it. She needed Alex. She couldn't go through the torment of wondering if the blonde was alive, if she was safe, if she was scared, if she was lonely. She couldn't bear the thought of knowing that Alex was crying alone in an unfamiliar bed, in an unfamiliar house, in a town she knew nothing about, with no friends to speak of. She saw how sad Alex's eyes were when they were first reunited two days ago. The spark Alex once had, it was gone. She looked… empty.
Alex closed the door behind them, turning to Olivia and looking her in the eye.
"I'm sorry, Liv. I was a coward. I just…I can't say goodbye to you again. I have so much to say to you and I can't-" her voice broke.
Alex tried to fight the tears, but she couldn't. She could never hide from Olivia. When the brunette walked over to her and pulled her in her arms, Alex lost control and sobbed into her embrace.
"I've missed you so much, Liv," she starting, speaking through sobs. "I couldn't…I couldn't say goodbye to you again. I barely survived the first time. I know what it's like now," she paused, another wave of sobs coming over her, "I know what it's like without you. I didn't want to put you through this. I wanted to save you from the truth…that I can't do this without you. That I need you. And I couldn't face you again. I'm sorry." Her words were confused, her thoughts jumping from one thing to the other, but she had so much to say and so little time to say it. "I have thought of you every single day. I missed you every single day. There was never anyone else. I didn't want you to know that. I lied about the guy. I just wanted you to think I was okay. And I thought I could help you move on by saying that. But I don't want you to move on. I'm selfish and I want you," she clung to her as she said these last few words. "And I fucking hate Velez. I hate all of this. I hate what he's done to me, what he's done to my life."
Olivia wrapped her arms tight around Alex when she felt the woman start getting angry.
"Alex," she said softly, soothingly.
The blonde's tense body relaxed when Olivia whispered her name.
"I've missed you saying my name…" she whispered. "I missed my name."
Olivia said nothing. She simply held Alex as a million thoughts went through her mind. She went over everything Alex had said, went over everything she was feeling and thinking herself, and came to one conclusion: she needed to be with Alex.
She titled her head and whispered in Alex's ear, "I'm going with you."
The woman froze in her arms. Alex blinked once, twice, before drawing away enough to look in Olivia's eyes.
"What?"
"I'm going with you."
"Where?"
"I'm going with you this time, into the Program."
"W-What?" she stuttered, shocked. She backed away and shook her head. "No, Liv. You can't- I didn't say those things because I wanted you to-"
"I'm coming," Olivia said decisively.
"Liv-"
"I can't do it again, Alex. I can't. I lived through hell this last year, wondering where you were, how you were doing, if you were alive, if they knew where you were… If you'd be able to defend yourself if they found you. If you'd get shot again. I wondered if they'd figure out where you were. I wondered if they'd catch you, if they'd torture you. It was torture knowing that you were alone, scared. You needed me and I wasn't there. What's more, I needed you. I needed to be with you. I regretted every fucking day not coming with you. Seeing you these last couple of days…I've made up my mind, Alex. I'm going with you."
"You don't know what it's like, Olivia. It's hell. You're all alone, you have no friends, you have no memories, you have nothing. You are given a name, a new identity, a new job, a new life… You are living a lie and you have to pretend to be something you're not. You'd have to leave your job, Elliot, the guys. You'd have to leave your apartment, your belongings. Your job is your life; you can't leave it. You don't know what you're getting into, Olivia, and you're going to regret it. I won't let you do this. I know you're upset right now, but-"
"No. You don't get it, do you? I have been sitting around since the night you left, waiting for you. I miss you more now than I did when you were first taken away and when I saw you in Casey's office, it took every single ounce of my being not to throw myself against you and hold you until my arms ached as much as my heart has this past year. You are what I need, Alex. I have thought about nothing but you for the last year and I know I can't do this again. I need to know you're safe-"
"I am safe in the program."
"No. I need to know you're safe. I need to come home every day and see that you are. I need to wake up in the morning and know that you're okay. I need to be there when you're sad, when you're angry, when you need someone to talk to. I know you need me, Alex, and I need you too. I can't watch you leave again. Please don't make me."
"Olivia, how can I let you make this kind of decision? Jesus, how do you know that you want this? Do you even know what you're getting yourself into? And for me? Why? We aren't married. We aren't engaged. We were barely seeing each other…"
"What I had with you was more intense, more real than anything I've ever had before, Alex. If you hadn't gotten shot, hadn't been taken away, we'd still be together. Hell, maybe we'd have gotten engaged and married by now. You were the only thing that mattered to me and the day you were ripped away…my life ended, Alex. I should have insisted on going with you then, but I didn't. I was in shock and I couldn't comprehend what was happening. I'll be damned if I'll make that mistake again."
"What if it doesn't work out between us, Liv? You'll have sacrificed everything…"
"At least I will know you're safe. The guys are going to get him, Alex. They are going to get Velez. You won't be gone forever and if things don't work out, I won't regret the choice I made. You are too important to me to ever regret doing everything in my power to keep you safe."
"Alex," Hammond said loudly, knocking on the door. "We have to go."
Alex looked at Olivia. The brunette was unmoving.
"You haven't had enough time to think about this," she answered, her pulse racing.
"I have had a year to think about it, Alex."
"You don't know what you're getting into," she protested weakly.
"Alex," Olivia said, gently.
The knocking became more insistent. "Alex, we need to leave now."
The blonde looked back at Olivia.
"Don't let this become a regret. Don't let me become a regret."
"Never."
The conviction in her voice was palpable. The blonde looked at her hard, trying to see any doubt. There was none.
"Okay," she nodded. Hammond was going to throw a fit, but that didn't matter now. She led the way to the door, Olivia following closely behind.
Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for chapter 2. I can't wait to see those familiar names I miss so much :)