Kate sat at her desk, leaning back in her chair, fingers intertwined and thumbs on her cheeks. She had finally finished the paperwork, by herself as usual. As she looked up, a small smile appeared on her face, a low chuckle escaping her lips. She was watching her team, each of them reliving how they had closed the case. Espo showing how he had physically won the battle, Ryan stating how he had decided who the bad guy was, and of course Castle, acting out the entire case, complete with wild gestures and exaggerations. She laughed as they all tried to up the ante; soon the truth mattered little, winning was more important. They were all showing off, stretching to come out on top: Gad, they were all such little boys. During this charade, Castle occasionally glanced in her direction, seeking approval, but more importantly making sure she was OK. Nodding to indicate everything was fine, the verbal debate continued.
It had been a grim case. No one had expected the timid little man who ran a rare book store on West 57th to be the killer. The things he had done to those girls had been barbaric, and she shivered and closed her eyes, trying to erase the memories. Castle had been deeply saddened to see that someone who professed such a deep love for literature could turn to murder - especially this kind. Maybe that was why Kate was allowing the three to work through their disgust with testosterone laced theatrics. Being a homicide detective was a difficult and sometimes painful job, and fortunately this time all of the team had escaped physically unscathed, and the emotional pain would ease with time.
She ran her hand over the entry point of the snipers' bullet between her breasts. The physical and emotional pain of her shooting had cost all of those in her inner circle dearly, perhaps Castle most of all. She knew he was afraid of losing her again; he had watched her die once, the blood flowing from her body, her skin growing cold and blue. Since her shooting, and then the hostage incident at the bank, the realisation that if one of them were to die,; the other one would crumble was a reality, though neither had been able to discuss it.
Kate remembered everything from that day. Him leaning over her, pain firing through her chest and taking her breath while her eyes burrowed into the depths of his, directly into his soul. Hearing him plead with her not to leave him, stating "Kate I love you, I love you Kate" while his tears fell on her face as her vision faded. Those memories were hers and she had only shared them with Dr Burke, not knowing when she could tell Castle, or how to tell him. Kate had always been physically and mentally tough. She was the youngest woman in the NYPD to make Detective, and whilst she didn't feel the need to broadcast it, it was a point of pride. How could she tell Castle that her armour had chinks? How could she disappoint him like that? He knew she wasn't perfect, however, he didn't know she was so flawed, so broken. The longer she waited, the harder it was becoming to tell him, especially when she wanted to just let go and fall into him. Rubbing her hands through her hair, she took a deep breath, sighing as the truth settled in. While she thought of herself as honest, for someone who searched for truth and honesty, she certainly was a coward when it came to this phenomenal man. God she couldn't think about this anymore.
Her phone lit up, signalling she had received a text message. Picking it up as she looked down, a band tightened around her chest, a sob escaped her mouth, and nausea made her stomach queasy.
The message was from Deb, the wife of her colleague, friend and long term mentor Nick. For over 30 years, until his recent retirement, he had been the Chief of Detectives. Nick had always been tough, yet fair, and she credited him with helping her grow into the Detective she was today.
She re-read the message, just to be sure. "Nick died at 4:26 am, he went peacefully." Kate felt the room closing in on her, and she had to escape. She jumped from her chair, heading to the closest interrogation room.
"Where you heading?" Castle queried, his eyes turning to slits of concern. "You Ok?"
"Yeah, I'll be right back" Kate shot back, waving her hand over her shoulder.
As Kate hit the door open, she felt her legs giving out, and she reached for the edge on the table, gasping to breathe. Nick had been looking forward to spending more time in his beloved Tuscany, now he had finally retired. He had really enjoyed meeting Castle the first time, when she had introduced him as her new partner. Had already heard all about it on the grapevine and could see for himself how important this man had become to his protégé. Nick saw how relaxed she was, smiling and laughing more easily than he could ever remember her. This was not the extremely serious, sad woman of years past. From the beginning, Castle had charmed Nick and Deb, engaging them into talking about their travels, their love of good food and wines, making them feel special as only Castle could. She smiled as she remembered how Nick had introduced her to the Italian wine Amarone, describing it as liquid sex. Smooth, sensual and warming throughout - the man did know his wines. Both she and Castle had spent many a night in his kitchen, drinking wine and savouring various Italian delicacies Deb had prepared. Castle would surprise them each time they were together by bringing a new and unfamiliar wine to share. He found great delight in pleasing her friends, knowing they were important to Kate, therefore making them important to him. Nick and Deb's relationship was seamless, even their bickering was tempered with a loving glance or lift of an eyebrow. It was amazing, Kate sighed as she remembered, longing for this type of relationship herself. Wondering when it would happen, if it would happen. In her heart, she knew Castle was her one and done and Nick had told her to jump into it with him, making it sound so easy. Deb had laughed at them both, knowing that Kate could not make such a spontaneous leap of faith.
She remembered the night Nick and Deb had invited their entire team over to their house. After dinner and many bottles of beautiful wine, Nick and Deb had stood up and told them he had been diagnosed with Liver Cancer, which was inoperable and untreatable, giving him only weeks to live. Espo, Ryan, Lanie and Kate were frozen in their seats, unable to wrap their heads around what they were being told. But, Castle stood up right away, moving to Deb's side, where he drew her into his bear hug. He was comforting her, letting her know that he would do anything and everything she needed, but most importantly, she would be his friend forever. As Kate and her team watched this poignant encounter, their own eyes full of tears, she knew yet again, Castle was a special man, so much more that his public persona. That had been 6 weeks ago, and now Nick was dead. She had watched as this once virile man became a walking skeleton, always telling his friends how much he loved them all, seeing him bravely facing his future, with his wife struggling to remain calm.
Kate backed away from the table. She knew what she needed to do now as she turned and re-entered the bullpen. Castle and the boys were still laughing and shoving each other as she took a deep breath and moved toward the group.
Kate walked determinedly between Esposito and Ryan, stopping in front of Castle. She reached forward, grabbing his lapels, pulling him to a standing position in front of her. His eyes projected confusion as she leaned into him, her lips touching his slowly, softly with her tongue parting his lips, demanding entry. As the kiss lingered, she felt the explosion in her chest, the walls were gone. She was ready for this and as she finished the kiss, she heard Esposito and Ryan gasp in surprise, staring at her and then at Castle, both speechless which was certainly a first. Castle grasped her hips, pulling her closer and letting out a little groan of pure contentment. Kate looked up, smiling into his blue eyes, as she naturally told him "I love you Rick". It felt so right, she couldn't remember why she hadn't she done this before? Kate backed away, turned around, grabbed her keys and walked towards the elevator. When she neared the elevator doors, she spun around.
"You coming Castle?" she asked as she gave him a wink, and there was an all knowing smirk on her face.