damnFireworks - I've been writing this story for weeks but I've actually had this idea in my head for a very long time but was too emotional to write it. I finally got through it and so... here you go. Mistakes and all.
Trigger Warning: This story deals with miscarriage/stillbirth
A motionless Brie laid in the mundane hospital bed. Her eyes bloodshot and empty of tears that poured waterfalls for a child of her own flesh.
She couldn't shake the haunting image from her head. The maddening silence so loud it drowned out the small baby girl who never quite cried her first breath.
She blamed herself. She lost the baby.
"Why isn't she crying? What's going on? Don't tell me to leave! I'm her husband- dammit!"
Roman's distressed voice echoed in her ears during their precious angel's first and final moments. She felt the tears well up again. A hearty swallow, she forced them to stay away.
She didn't deserve to cry.
"Brie." A low murmur. "I brought you some food."
Roman came in to the bleak room with a generous helping of home-made pumpkin pie and kabocha juice.
The thumping staccato beat of her heart slowed right down to well-timed slowed drums.
Brie didn't want to look at him. She was afraid of seeing disappointment in his eyes. She didn't want to speak to him because it would be pointless. They would eventually wound up back at the same statement.
They weren't going to be parents.
Brie wasn't going to bundle her baby girl in blankets or teach their daughter how to say her ABC's. She wouldn't bring out the embarrassing toddler pictures to show all her teenage friends before prom. They'll never argue about curfews or go shopping together but the one that broke her heart.
Brie will never see Roman walk their daughter down the aisle of her wedding day.
She felt his hand cover hers. The warmth to her skin soothing and heart breaking all in one.
"I miss her too." Roman whispered.
Brie didn't respond but he knew she heard him. He couldn't imagine the dark thoughts running through her mind. All he could do was watch her and comfort her when needed but he was grieving as well.
He was a proud-dad-to-be. Then all of a sudden their baby girl was gone and he was no longer a dad anymore. No tangible explanation. No reason that fit the incredible pain that he carried inside of him.
That was his baby girl.
The one he was going to play dress up with because all she had to do was bat her eyelashes at him and he would give in to any demand. The little girl he would bring along to live events so she can shout Brie Mode as loud as she can at her mommy. The tiny princess that he would protect from the monsters in the closet so she could dream the night away.
Those hopes and dreams to be a great father to their child vanished into dead air.
He felt a tight squeeze around his hand. His eyes bringing focus on his wife's heartbroken face and he couldn't help but think of the little baby that would resemble his earth goddess. Roman choked back the fighting tears; he needed to be strong for Brie.
"I'm here." He spoke up.
She remained still and quiet. Roman didn't know what to do. He had never seen her in a state like this where she had shut herself off from him but the thought of her going through this alone threatened to destroy what was left of him.
Tightening his grasp around her hand. "I'm here." He reassured her.
Roman knew or at least he hoped that when she was ready, Brie would share her feelings with him. Until then, he continued to stay by her side and wait.
Dean and Nikki were on their way to the hospital.
Both were excited when they found out Brie had gone into labour. Especially Nikki, she was going to be the god mother of the little infant and Dean was going to be the god father.
It was a good mood all around until Dean received a phone call whilst Nikki was inside a baby store buying a soft toy to gift to their new god daughter.
Roman was constantly sending them text messages but eventually they become less and less frequent. When he called, they expected to hear news about their new god daughter but when Dean answered the call, he could instantly tell that something was wrong.
Roman broke down over the phone,
"She's gone." his voice barely intact. "We lost our baby"
Dean could feel the sorrow shoot through his chest and it reflected on his grim face. When his eyes locked onto Nikki's; he saw the wariness in her eyes.
Her lips wavered.
"No… Dean don't say it."
"Nicole-"
"No!"
He pulled Nikki into his arms. She tried to fight out of his grasp. Slamming her fists into his chest to let her go but he held onto her tight; letting her cry until she was satisfied that it was out of her system.
"Brie just wanted to be a mom" She sniffed, holding onto the small soft bunny she had picked out.
Dean understood how her twin's heart ache was very much her own. Roman was a brother to him and it bothered him immensely that he couldn't do anything about it. Their baby was gone and it was outside of his control.
It was devastating.
This exciting journey to meet their god daughter turned into a miserable agonizing trip of tears and heart ache.
Dean swore out loud as he ran a red light startling Nikki beside him.
She had been quiet since calming down from her breakdown. It was tough on her. Brie was her twin sister and what one felt, so did the other.
"Are you okay?"
This was the fifth time Dean had asked but he had a right to be overly concerned for his girlfriend. She had the tendency to be very panicked and full of angst in a family crisis but instead she was calm.
The brunette diva nodded but he knew she was putting on a brave face for him.
"Nicole, it's okay to grieve-"
"I'm pregnant."
Dean felt like the air had been punched out of his lungs. Pulling the car over onto the side of the road. He stopped and looked into her eyes. He took a deep breath, processing the news through his scattered mind.
"I'm 4 weeks in." She said; her voice sounding almost apologetic. He saw that her eyes were searching for forgiveness in his but she didn't need to be sorry. Not to anybody and especially not to him.
He bought her hand to his lips and placed a soft kiss.
"It's okay, we'll figure this out together." He said, taking a moment to comfort her.
"I'm scared. What if-"
"No matter what happens, I will be there every step of the way." Dean reassured her.
He gently placed his hand on her stomach. There was a precious life inside there and every part of Dean wanted to get to know that little baby.
"Let's not tell Ro and Brie. They've gone through enough"
She nodded trusting in him.
"I love you." She said looking down at his hand over her stomach.
Dean had a small smile on his face. "I love you too" He replied.
Roman sat without a sound. He wasn't sure what hurt more to him. The fact Brie hadn't breathed a word to him or just sitting here in silence, coming to terms that the first child he was going to raise with the woman he loved was taken away from him.
He kept going back and forth between devastation and anger.
Why them? Why were they punished? Brie was the most loving, caring soul on this entire planet. Every fibre in her being touched with maternal love and instinct. He couldn't have picked a better woman to have by his side to raise a child.
He shook his head trying to understand but he couldn't. Hands clasped together, he leaned forward whispering a small prayer for strength.
A small knock on the door breaking his thoughts.
Roman looked up to see an elderly woman making her way over.
"Hi, I'm Eileen. The hospital's onsite social worker. She offered a rueful smile.
Clearing his throat, he straightened his chest. "Roman." He nodded. "This is my partner Brie."
"Hello Brie, I'm sorry for your loss."
Brie didn't pay attention. Her sweet apologies weren't going to bring back their baby.
"I came to check on how both of you are doing. I understand your family members were notified and will be on their way ?"
"Yes." Roman answered. "We have some close family members stopping in."
He looked over at Brie to see her reaction but alas nothing.
"Would you like me to make memorial arrangements?" Eileen questioned.
Brie snapped her head back.
"What?" a hoarse reply.
Roman was shocked to hear her speak.
"Memorial-"
"I heard what you said." Brie gritted. "We just lost our child and here you are saying you're sorry. You're sorry." The tone in her voice vice-like with pain.
"Did it ever occur to you to think that we are hurting?"
The volume in her voice rising to a dangerous level.
"The expression in Roman's face softened towards his wife. "Brie-"
"Go to hell!" Brie shouted at the social worker. "We mean absolute shit to you! You don't' fucking care! We're just another poor couple who lost their baby and you're here to collect cheques!"
"Brie that's enough." Roman sternly warned her.
"It's okay Roman." Eileen patted his arm. "She needs to get this out."
He let out a heavy sigh. Eileen was right but he didn't want to force Brie to let out her emotions. This was something she needed to do on her own accord. Not be provoked.
"I'm sorry, we're not ready to discuss that-"
"The last thing I want to talk about is putting my dead baby in the ground so leave!" Brie snapped coldly.
Eileen nodded unfazed, she was used to the treatment from mothers dealing with the loss of their newborn. Often boring the brunt of their torment and anger. She placed a card on the side table.
"Call when you guys are ready to-"
"Get out!" Brie screamed.
The social worker left immediately. Roman frowned as she left in a hurry.
"Brie?"
The couple were back at stark silence again.
"I love you" he spoke softly.
Leaving him to wonder if she'd ever let her back in her heart.
Dark-oak eyes studied the silent rain drops slowly making their way down the window. Brie wasn't exactly sure when the rain had started but she could almost laugh at how cliché it all was. The whole world decided to mourn with her.
She felt numb to everything around her. She had yet to say a word to Roman who remained by her side - like he promised. She turned so her back was facing him.
I'm here.
Those words humming in her mind. He made sure she knew he wasn't going anywhere even after she tried to shut him out. Brie closed her eyes, she tried to block his voice out of her head but each old phrase coming through loud and clear.
I'm going to be a dad? I'm going to be a dad!
Hey little one, daddy can't wait to meet you.
Now we know you're a girl. You know what that means right? You're gonna be my princess.
I hope you have beautiful eyes like your mommy.
I miss her too.
I'm here.
I'm here.
I'm here.
I'm here.
The scorching pain in her heart rising as she touched her stomach, solidifying her thoughts that she was hollow inside.
Moisture on her cheek, a trail leading down to her mouth. Salt. It was the taste of the first tear she'd let fall. Her hands tightening around the hospital gown. She couldn't stop herself from breaking down this time. She let the sorrow pour out of her, her shoulders shaking with the force of her sobs
Roman couldn't take listening to the sounds of Brie's ragged tears. It ripped him apart. He wiped his face trying to contain his own damn tears but they dashed from his eyes. He climbed onto the bed beside her.
The overwhelming need to have her close to him.
Brie felt him put his arm around her waist, his hand closing over her clenched fist. She let out a heartening sob as he held her.
"I'm sorry Ro.." Brie managed to say in between sobs. "I just couldn't- I"
"It's okay.. shhh… we'll be okay." Roman looked up to the ceiling, thanking God she was speaking to him.
He kept her in his arms as they both cried for the dear baby daughter.
The wind was quiet, the sun lower in the sky when she went silent, lying against him in a way that said all the tears had been taken out of her.
Dean and Nikki arrived shortly after.
Roman moved out of the bed to greet his sister in law. She pulled him in a tight hug.
"I'm sorry Ro." He nodded releasing her from her grasp so she could embrace her sister.
"Brianna" Nikki's voice wavered. "I don't-"
"Just stay with me." Brie answered.
Nikki nodded. "You'll have to kick me out of the hospital if you want to get rid of me." She sniffed, Brie wiped away her sister's tears before pulling her into a hug.
"Don't cry. You'll get me started again." Brie looked at the Roman's lunatic brother and gave a small smile.
"Hey you," Dean nodded. "Can this jerk get a hug too?"
Brie let her sister go to give Dean a hug.
"You're strong you know that." Dean whispered and he kissed her on the cheek.
"Take him to get some coffee for us." She said looking at Roman. "I just need some time with my sister."
Both men left the room to give the girls some peace.
As they walked to the coffee machine, Dean stopped Roman and hugged him. Roman truly was his brother and he wanted him to know that he was gonna be there for him.
"If you need anything, I'm here for you man"
Giving him a hard tap on the back, he finally let go of him.
"Thanks. I appreciate it."
"I mean it. You're my brother. You talk to me when shit gets too much."
Roman managed a smile. "I will."
There was a warm silence between both men. Roman headed off leaving Dean to follow him by his side.
For a moment Dean thought about the future, how this could be him but in Roman shoes. What if he and Nikki lose their child? What impact would that have on him? Suddenly realising how toxic it was to try and answer these questions in his mind, he made himself focus on the present.
"How long does Brie have to stay here?"
"The doctors said we can leave whenever she's feeling physically better. It's up to her really."
"She is alright right? Brie's fine." Dean began to worry.
"Yeah, yeah." Roman shook his head as he picked up a cup and began filling it with coffee. "She just needs some time to get her bearings on things."
Dean took the fresh cup of coffee from Roman as he began to make another.
"I think, once we get some one on one time with the little one. She'll be ready to leave."
Ambrose nodded.
Brie felt a whole lot better having her sister by her side. She wanted to be surrounded by family. Heal her heart enough to face the daunting task ahead of seeing her baby. Though she wasn't scared- more so prepared.
She pegged it down to hormones and the motherly side in her wanting to showcase itself. At least that's what she believed.
"Do you need more pillows? Are you cold? Do you want me to get another blanket?"
Brie watched her sister flurry about but she eventually stopped fussing once Brie grabbed her arm and forced her to sit down.
The sheen in her sister's eyes were an open window of tender concern that touched Brie's heart.
"I'm hurt." Brie admitted. "But I'll be okay."
Nikki nodded. "I know you will."
Brie touched her stomach.
"You know, I keep putting my hand in this exact spot thinking she'll be inside here and kick me to say so but she's not."
Nikki rubbed her sister's knee. "I'm sorry about the baby."
"Yeah, me too. You would have been the best god mother."
The look on Brie's face made Nikki feel extremely guilty.
"Brie, I'm-"
"Coffee!" Dean announced as he casually waltzed into the room with Roman trailing behind and a genuine smile on his face.
"Thanks Dean." Brie took the cup in her hands, graciously taking a sip. "What were you going to say Nikki?"
"Nothing- it's nothing."
"You alright babe?" Dean asked kneeling beside his girlfriend.
"Yeah, I'm just emotional. You know?"
He pecked her on the lips. "You tell me as soon as something isn't right okay?"
She nodded.
Roman sat on the hospital bed holding Brie's hand.
Both Nikki and Dean stayed until visiting hours were up. Roman returned after seeing them out. A small smile on his face as he saw Brie staring out the window.
"Hey"
"Hey" She shifted over so he could lie beside her.
"What were you thinking about?"
Lacing their fingers together, she brought his hand to her lips and placed a delicate kiss.
"You… Our baby."
"Do you want to see her now?"
She did. Burying her head into his chest, he closed his arms around her. Brie wanted to look at her baby, hold her if she could, whisper the words she didn't get to say- wouldn't get to say. Say hello. Say goodbye.
"Please." A soft plea.
He laid a kiss on her head before resting his chin upon it.
"Ok"
Roman brought over the wheel chair and helped Brie get seated.
"Ready?" He asked.
Looking up at him she nodded. "You?"
It suddenly dawned on him what they were about to do. They were going to see their daughter and thought of that rocked him in his core. He was so focused on Brie's needs and feelings, he didn't check in on himself.
"Ro?"
"Yeah, I just needed a minute." He said taking a deep breath.
He gripped the handles of the wheel chair and began to push her into the hospital corridor. They took their time getting to the special room where they kept their little girl.
Everything was quiet around them as they strolled down to the end of the corridor. Each step a little piece of them summoning the courage to walk through and let go. When they got to the room, Eileen was present with a nurse.
She gave a rueful smile to the couple.
"She's just over there"
"Will I be able to hold her?" Brie asked.
"Yes. Of course. Take all the time you need."
Roman gave a court nod. A silent thank you.
They entered the room and he could feel the weight in his chest somewhat ease as they got closer to the small cradle. Finally, stopping in front of the baby's cradle, Brie stood bracing herself with Roman's help.
Then there she was. Their little one. Tears began strolling down Brie's face.
It was the most heart breaking and most beautiful moment to see her lying there. She looked so peaceful, like she was sleeping.
Roman wiped away stray tears from his eyes but he bore a small smile seeing their baby dressed in the petite white onesie they had picked out months ago.
Brie gently reached inside to pick her up. She was so light in her arms.
"She's got your nose" Brie noted with a smile.
Roman let out a small laugh. She may have inherited his nose but everything else about her screamed Brie.
"Amelia." She decided. "Amelia Nicole Reigns"
"Hi baby Amelia. We're your mommy and daddy" Roman spoke softly.
Both smiled down on their darling daughter Amelia.
"I really wanted to know her." Brie said.
Roman kissed Brie on the forehead. "Me too."