A/N - So this is just a little thing that isn't radically good, but I felt like writing. It's from Alex's point of view, and should generally be looked at as if it's based early in series 3, because she hasn't yet been back to Russia. Thanks for reading.
When I was an addict, everything came back to the drugs.
Everything I did had one purpose, getting the money to buy them. There was nothing more important. I may have had a life before, but that didn't matter. That life was gone, and the only thing that kept me here was the drugs. The craving, the need, the inescapable desire to use. I'd tell myself that this was the last time, but deep down I knew I would soon give in to that need. I would relinquish any strength I had for the high the drugs gave me. No matter what I did, I would always return, like a little puppy trying to find its way back home. I thought those drugs showed me the light I needed to find my old life, but all they did was plunge me into darkness. I thought they made me stronger, but they just took away the little strength I had. I thought they could make me invincible, but they just made me vulnerable. I thought that the drugs were the only way out. I was wrong.
Then Nikita found me.
Nikita fixed me. The need didn't leave though. It was just that now, there was something more important. Taking down the people that killed my family, the people that brought me here, the people that thrust me into the pit of self-destruction. The drugs may have given me a high, but it, like everything else on this earth, was temporary, and I could see the damage the drugs had done to me. Division could be temporary too. Everything in this world is made and destroyed and I intended to help Nikita to be the one to destroy Division. The need to show my strength was more important; more important than the monster that was itching to break the surface and drag me under yet again. But I wouldn't let it. Not this time. Nikita couldn't do this without me and I needed to take down Division, to avenge the deaths of my family. I needed that goal, to stop me falling back down that slippery slope. I did my job, but still Division survives. Percy may have toppled from power, but Division itself remains standing. Not that it matters. In a way, I need it. To achieve my new goal.
Semak. The man who killed my parents.
The need for revenge has been there since the night my parents were killed. When the drugs were in control, nothing was important, but still it remained, bubbling below the surface, like an itch that could not be scratched. Well that's my goal now. Getting rid of that itch once and for all. Getting rid of Semak. The man who ordered the killing of my family. The man who destroyed my life. The drugs may have been the more obvious cause of my pain when Nikita found me, but why did I take the drugs? The opportunity to forget what had happened, forget how I was alone in the world. Because of him. Now, by using Division and the very resources I once sought to destroy, I have the chance to bury the regret I have harboured ever since that night. And it is my only goal. Taking down Division was important to me, but I did that for Nikita. I'm doing this for myself. And nothing can stop me.
The hold the drugs had over me is nothing compared to the need for the one thing that now occupies my mind. Revenge.