Patroclus: I am alone in the universe
Patroclus hasn't eaten for days. Stays locked up in his room, blanket wrapped tight around him and knees drawn up to his chest. They're not really sure if he sleeps. He looks at them with hollow eyes and his voice quivers when he says "I'm okay. " These days his mouth is full of broken promises and stifled apologies.
The Gods: We reach out towards the universe (contained in one boy)
The gods worry about him constantly but they know he won't answer to any of their questions so they tip toe around the house, silent, their faces somber. They check up on him from time to time to make sure he's alive (Hades mutters that he's seen more life in his ghostly advisers and the others glare at him but they know it's true: Patroclus' heart doesn't beat anymore. The stardust in his veins has vanished. )
Demeter: I throw petals at the universe
Demeter cries everday because she remembers Patroclus before this. Before he turned empty and hollow and purple bruises marked his skin like tattoos even though Patroclus says he doesn't know how he got them. She remembers how Patroclus brought her flowers when she was sick and held her tight in his arms when she and Hades fought. It hurts to see him so empty, so lifeless. When she visits him, he gives her a mechanical smile and tells her that he's okay, he got her some flowers. She'll smile through tears and cradle the decaying flower buds, horrified at how much they resemble her Patroclus.
Zeus: I crumble at the universe
Zeus takes it hardest of all. He found Patroclus wondering the streets, clothes ripped and knuckles bloody. He remembers how Patroclus' eyes fluttered close when the damn mortals would corner him in alleyways and how painfully fragile. He remembers the drugs and the alcohol and how Patroclus would get on his knees and beg, endless cries of please and broken sobs. (To this day, Zeus isn't sure if Patroclus was talking about drugs or Achilles.) He remembers cradling Patroclus' near lifeless body in his arms, red lines criss-crossing his arms and for the first time, breaking. (Imagine that, the famed god, breaking.)
Hestia: I hold the weeping universe
Hestia is the one who sings him to sleep when he has nightmares. She tucks his body (so, so, small, so innocent so broken) into her arms, rocks him back and forth and sings him to him. She whispers in his ear when he's fallen asleep that it's going to be okay, they can do this. Together they can do this. Patroclus wakes up from dreams full of blood and screaming Achilles' name, begging the warrior to come back, come back, come back. Begging him to not touch Hector, his life is not worth it, it never has been. Hestia holds him tight and whispers the truth then. She tells him how they fell, how they hurtled to earth and they burned. She tells him she is and he slowly quiets down, arms rubbing circles into her back and tells her that he is burning too.
Hera: I rage fire into the universe
Hera is angry, her rage is a ongoing thunderstorm and Patroclus is caught in it. When she sees how her anger, her thirst for vengeance seeps beneath his skin and makes him choke out words that aren't his, makes him scratch his skin until blood spills over as he throws up, she becomes softer. She holds his hand and tells him stories about Achilles. She spares no detail and it hurts Patroclus, so, so much. But it heals him too. He learns not to flinch when he hears Achilles' or Hector's name, his hands don't tremble anymore and he's learned to stop caressing the kitchen knives. Sometimes he smiles but it's bitter and angry and Hera is scared because she doesn't want him to become like her.
His heart is too gentle.
The relapses are the worst, it's the only time the gods ever see him move from his bed or speak above a whisper. He'll break things, rip paper, yell at each and everyone one of them until he coughs up blood, screams that they could've saved him. They could've saved him, softer tones. Why didn't you save him?, his voice is barely heard but they hear him, they hear them and wish they didn't. He screams at Hera, tells her he can go fuck herself and her stories.
Later, that night, he'll come to her with shaking hands, bruised and bloody knuckles and will grasp her tight, so tight Zeus hates Patroclus for hurting her and then hates himself, and make her promise to kill him the next time he rages or he'll kill one of them. She doesn't let a single emotion show as she says yes and Patrolus smiles and faints. Hera's mouth has never been tainted with a lie or her hands scarred from breaking a promise. Patroclus hasn't had a relapse in several months and she keeps her fingers crossed.
Apollo: I am the killer of the universe
Apollo is the one with guilt on his shoulders. He's the one who tries to help Patroclus, he does, really does. But Patroclus won't speak to him. Patroclus hates him, hates like he's never hated before, the disgust taints his skin and he feels like his mouth is full of ashes, but he doesn't stop. In this endless grief, he needs someone to rage, to blame and he knows that Apollo could've helped him, could've saved Achilles, but the god didn't and so Patroclus hates him. And Apollo sinks in his guilt and his misery until one day Patroclus comes to him and announces "You are just like me." Apollo immediately understands. Both of their hands are dyed red with guilt and no matter how hard they try, they can't remove it. No heat, no flames (the gods were furious when they learned what the two did) can cleanse them. So they stand by the other's side, having conversations with eyes alone. At least together they can be killers.
Artemis: I hide my pride from the universe
Artemis avoided Patroclus at first. He terrified her. He was another example of what love did to you and Aretmis' hands shook when she thought of love. She would not become this, she would not wither out and die. And then, she became angry, she hated Patroclus for letting Achilles' do this to him. She hated him for loving, hated him for losing his smile, his innocence. And Patroclus knew, he stayed well out of her way but sometimes, sometimes, he held her gaze, defiant and proud. He hated himself for loving, hated himself for hubris getting the better of him, hated how he didn't fight with every bone in his bottom, snarled like the t he feared he was. And so she came to respect him and he her. When they spend time together, they are quiet and Artemis tells him of her hunts. She tells him of blood and violence and glory and Patroclus' fingers itch. They discuss battle tactics for his enemies (for the depression that seeks to slowly kill him, the anxiety that has already infiltrated his forces, the post traumatic stress disorder that has already caught him). With her, he is not pitied. With Artemis, he tastes what could've been. He tastes blood and it is glorious. Together they are beasts who have lost everything and this time, they fight.
Poseidon: I sink into the universe
In the earlier days, when Patroclus wasn't a broken record of "I'm okay" and instead walked around with smiles carved into his face, he loved to swim. Moreso, he loved to let himself float and on days every breath felt like his lungs had been impaled with the shards of his own heart, he tried to drown himself. He let the water sing him soft lullabies with threatening undertones, and pull him underneath.
Poseidon saved him everytime.
Brought his lifeless body back to shore, breathed air into his lungs even though Patroclus tried to reject it. (He viewed his life as a present that he ached to return.) Poseidon brought him to life, each time Patroclus wandered down to the sandy shores. (It reminds him of how he and Achilles found each other on that riverbank.)
Poseidon doesn't tell the others what Patroclus does.
They lie on the beach for hours, staring at the stars before one of them starts spilling their secrets. Poseidon wishes he was back in Olympus, wishes he could live underwater again, in its murky depths. Patroclus tells him that he wishes he had killed Hector. Tells him that he aches for his blood and then tells him that he wishes Thetis had killed him and somehow saved Achilles.
They become lovers under starry skies and on top of sand they taint black with their sins.
They touch each other, hard, hard enough to leave bruises and make the guilt run away for a bit. (Their love is tragic.) They memorize each other's bodies and the night that Patroclus murmurs all the things he like about Poseidon (this and this and this) and breaks as soon as he realizes what he's said, Poseidon stops and rests his head against Patroclus. Together, they walk into the water, trying to cleanse themselves of their sins and no one says anything when they see their interlocked hands or smell the ocean on their skin. Their love is tragic and both know that it will end soon, but at least together, they can wash their sins away.
Aphrodite: I sing love songs to the universe
Aphrodite is the only that gets him. She is the goddess of love and she knows his pain. Aphrodite is the one who distracts him. Before he wasn't afraid of leaving the house, of the only place where he is safe from memories of Achilles (memories of this and this and this and this and please Aphrodite make it stop, please please please ) before he begged from death from the time he awoke to the time he was forced to sleep. She would take him to art museums and little havens where they would sit in calm silence. Now, she sleeps in his bed, they don't each other, not like Poseidon cups Patroclus' hearts and kisses it, but she sleeps with him in his bed, their arms wrapped around each other in a tight grip. When he tells her quietly, that he's going to do it, that he's going to end his life, she tells him of her lovers. Of the ones who kissed her with lips that tasted like forever and left her hollow and waiting to be filled. Together they cry for their lost lovers, their innocence, how great they could've been if they hadn't fallen for clever smiles. Together they hold each other, waiting to be filled.
Hermes: I toss stones at the universe
Patroclus doesn't know if he loves or hates Hermes. The bastard of a god makes him laugh quietly at his jokes, makes him smile even though it feels like he's betraying Achilles. But the god's humour is sharp and Patroclus bleeds. He makes light of Patroclus's scars, of his nightmares, jeers at how he is stuck in this rut and gets in his face, until their noses are just barely touching and asks him, is this what Achilles wanted? A washed up prince who can't hold a cup without shaking hands? And then in softer, kinder tones, he tells Patroclus "Save yourself, kid. You died for a damn hero and now you better damn well become a hero and save. yourself." He doesn't Patroclus to end like him, hollow on the inside and hiding his pain inside bubbles of laughter. Patroclus sobs and says he can't and Hermes will frown, nose wrinkled in distaste before he sighs "C'mere" and gather Patroclus in his lap and hold him tight. He'll mutter angrily how he's going to protect him, this time, he won't die for a hero. In a way, Hermes is like Patroclus' older brother and they love-hate each other but when Patroclus needs him, Hermes is always there. All gruff words and soft hugs. He is constant and that is good enough for both of them.
Hades: I dream like the dead in the universe
Hades has seen enough death and destruction in his old lifetime to last an eternity. He has seen souls upon souls who are anguished, so Patroclus is nothing new. Patroclus is nothing new he tells himself over and over again when he's awakened by the boy's screams. Perhaps thats what makes him slip into Patroclus' room at night and hush him. Patroclus is just a boy to him. He has seen souls upon souls, men upon women and those who fit neither genders overcome with grief and anguish and he breaks. Hades who has tortured souls and howled underneath blood red moons because he enjoyed it, . Patroclus is just a boy and he remembers. He remembers all the way back when he was a mortal boy, before he was chosen to be a god forever. He remembers feverish dreams, and hoarse screams. They are not too different, Patroclus and he. So, on nights Patroclus screams in his sleep, twists and turns, Hades steals into his room and comforts him. He's gone by the time Patroclus fully awakes because he doesn't think he can look into those eyes and tell himself to leave the boy again. He is Patroclus' father, well, the father that the boy deserved.
Dionysus: I bleed into the universe
Dionysus knows addiction.
He knows how it seeps out your life, pushes you further into that pit of depression and need until you become a whore begging on the street for hands to hurt you, hands that will give you the drugs you need. Dionysus was the one who pushed Zeus out of the way when the god brought Patroclus in, shaking from withdrawal symptoms, and another stranger's touch tainting his skin.
Dionysus knows addiction.
He lost everything to his addiction when they fell, he closed his eyes when he was cornered in alleyways like Patroclus did and the only time he ever smiled was when he was drunk, high, or a combination of both. Dionysus knows addiction and how it you from the inside, scrapes everything out of you until you do things you never thought of. He is the one that bathed Patroclus, that cleansed him of the stench of vomit and wiped away stranger's rough hands and cigarette breath. When Patroclus got the bad withdrawals, the ones where he seized up in his bed, and then started begging for more, eyes wild and body trembling the shoulders of a man who has lost all, like the shoulders of Dionysus who sometimes feels he is a man masquerading a god. When that happened, Dionysus was there and he pinned him down roughly, snarling that if he couldn't get what he wanted, neither could Patroclus.
The withdrawal symptoms soon faded away as the years went on (and Patroclus never aged a day, cursed with immortality like the rest of them but he kept trying to leave, begged the god Thanatos to take him already) and the full force of what he'd done, hit Patroclus. Of what he let strangers do to him, hit him like a brick and he shut everyone out. Everyone except Dionysus who came to his room in the middle of the night, a confession spilling from his lips. They sat, no sit, together broken and hating themselves, trying to scrub away the memories of rough hands and unwanted lips. Together they are used and broken, together they are angry and sorrowful.
Patroclus bares his teeth and Dionysus' knuckles are bloody.
They protect each other when the memories come running back.
Together they are broken and they are getting tired of it.
Athena: I become the universe
If Hade is his father and Hermes his older brother, than Athena is his grandmother. She is the next door neighbor, weary with the burden of her own life but manages to smile at him everyday and listen to his cries patiently. The mortals praised Athena for her knowledge, for being wise. They thought she learned this from books, but they were wrong.
Athena learned from the universe herself, soaked up the wisdom the stars gave her.
Athena knows everything. It's a fact that everyone is aware of, like life on earth will eventually end but the gods? The gods, they will forge on to whatever lies ahead.
(Such is the curse of immortality.)
Athena knows everything, knew everything about Patroclus from the moment she laid eyes on him and he felt naked and insecure. She knew his thoughts, his secrets, his desires, the love he shared with the god of the sea, she knew. She knew of the blood on his hands and the to fight, to hurt, that rested deep in his belly and yet, she still smiled. She smiled and wrapped him in a warm hug that felt like home. (That felt Achilles.)
If Hades is his father and Hermes his older brother, than Athena is the reason he is alive, she is the reason he eats and sometimes showers. She whispered the secrets of the universe in his ear, and Patroclus fell in love again. She told him how it ended and how it would all begin. Athena is a mother's hug, forehead kisses, and something permanent. Her knees still shake sometime when faced with thoughts of the future but so do Patroclus' and they hug each other tightly, reveling in what they have in common.
They never could stop falling in love with what would destroy them.
I embrace the universe;the sea has always been my home
In his nightmares, (for Patroclus doesn't know what dreams are anymore), he sees his warrior's back.
Sees him walking away from him, leaving him to shadow and the demons that haunt him. Patroclus chases after him of coruse, it is what he's used to. Always running, always chasing for the boy who tasted like figs and summer dust and felt like support. He grieves everyday from the confines of his mind for this boy, no this man, this warrior he lost. His muscles are burning though, each breath feels like a stab in the chest and he is slowly losing sight of the warrior in front of him.
(Did he really come all this way, only to be separated again?)
In his nightmares, Patroclus loses Achilles.
(It hurts to say his name and patroclus has developed the habit of touching his mouth to check for blood whenever he says his name.) The warrior disappears into mist and into darkness and Patroclus lets his demons claw at his legs and pull him down into hell. Lately, he stifles sobs as his demons torture him with bittersweet memories and guilt. Tonight has changed though and he is on the riverbank (and this and this and this Patroclus wants to break but he can't because he's already broken) and he can feel Achilles (he licks his lips, expecting a metallic tang) behind him, slowly stroking his back and Patroclus melts into the touch.
"Patroclus" his warrior whispers and Patroclus gives a weak smile. Achilles (his heart Is feeling lighter and a knot forms in Patroclus' stomach, no, not this) kisses him softly on the neck and whispers his name again, more determinedly and pushes Patroclus. Confused, he stumbles and his eyes widen when he realizes he is not at the riverbank but on the beach instead. His name is whispered again, sadly and he knows Achilles (he feels like he's floating and he wants to scream) is holding back tears. "Go", the warrior whispers and Patroclus shakes his head. "-e go," Achilles mumbles and then louder "Let me go, Patroclus"
(Pa-tro-clus.)
And it feels like his skin is ripping itself away but it doesn't even hurt, he feels like he's flying, like he's floating (floating in the ocean and his heartbeat picks up at the thought of shore) and his mouth is full of goodbyes and tears. When Patroclus wakes, he stares at his wall for what feels like hours, his breathing asthmatic and he struggles to get out of bed and stumbles towards the living room.
The gods are all gathered there but he has eyes for only one. He staggers towards Poseidon, seating himself in the sea god's lap and run his hands slowly up the god's face and places a shaky kiss on his lips.
(It tastes like forever and renewal and salt.)
And this and this and this is washed from his mind by the rough yet soothing waves of the sea and the only thing left, are small fingerprints on his heart. Poseidon smiles against his lips and holds him close.
Together, they are cleansed of their sins.