Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter (obviously) or the song, which is Behind These Hazel Eyes by Kelly Clarkson.
Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
It was the night of the Christmas Ball in my sixth year at Hogwarts. I had my date, a gorgeous dress, and my closest friends. The night was supposed to be perfect.
I walked down into the common room in my pink gown, some of the boys looking up at me in surprise – how often was it that I bothered to get dolled up? But only one of them was the lucky guy that would be escorting me. I walked up to him and he kissed my cheek as a greeting.
"You look beautiful, Hermione," he said, handing me a bouquet of roses.
"You're looking quite handsome yourself, Harry," I said nicely, meaning every word of it. He looked dashing in his black dress robes, despite how classic the attire was. He smiled and took my hand and we made our way down to the Great Hall where the celebratory ball was being held.
When we entered my cheeks flushed as more people began to stare in amazement. They never would have thought that I, Hermione Granger the mousy bookworm, would be capable of looking so… beautiful. It was flattering and slightly uncomfortable at the same time. I was a girl after all.
Harry, whose arm was still hooked to mine, sent me an encouraging smile, knowing that I must have been feeling awkward. Sometimes he could see right through me. I smiled back at him warmly, glad to have him beside me. It was one thing to have your boyfriend, but it was another to also have your best friend beside you.
Your arms around me tight
Everything felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong
We sat down at one of the tables nearest to the dance floor accompanied by Ron, Lavender, Dean, and Ginny. We greeted the others and exchanged compliments and pleasantries, all excited.
"I'll go and fetch us some drinks." Ron stood from the table and Harry jumped up to help. They were back in less than a minute, each carrying an armful of Butterbeers. We all chatted easily, enjoying the warm effects of the Butterbeer and the music playing the background. After a while the lights dimmed and people began to gather on the dance floor with their dates.
"Well, it seems like an appropriate time. Would you like to dance Hermione?" Harry asked, offering his hand.
"If you insist – I know how much you just love dancing," I smiled at him jokingly, and he rolled his eyes kindly. I accepted his hand and we stood up and walked to the center of the floor. Harry put his hands on my hips and pulled me close to him while I wrapped my arms around his neck.
"It feels so right in your arms, even if you don't particularly like the whole dancing aspect of it," I said softly, staring into his magnificent green eyes.
"I feel the same way, but dancing is easy as long as you're with me," Harry replied nicely and pulled me tighter against him. I rested my head onto his shoulder and relaxed into him.
We must have danced for an hour before deciding to take a small break from the crowd of people on the dance floor. It seemed as if almost everyone was on their feet by now.
"I'm going to run to the loo," I told Harry, giving him a peck on the cheek and turning towards the oak doors
"Alright I'll be at the table," he said with a smile and walked towards the table that Ron was still stationed at.
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
Five minutes later I was heading back towards the Great Hall, excited to spend more time with Harry. While we did go on plenty of dates during Hogsmeade weekends, it wasn't often that we were able to attend actual balls or that I was able to dress myself up for him – this was a rare occasion that I expected to take full advantage of.
I walked back into the Great Hall and headed over to the table I left Harry and Ron at only to find it empty. I stopped short and looked around the hall to the beverage table, unable to spot either of the boys. A few moments into skimming over the dance floor I found Ron doing an awkward shuffle with Lavender, who must have finally dragged him to the dance floor. I couldn't help but smile, amused at his awkward movements – it was sweet, of course, but so very Ron. Harry, on the other hand, was still nowhere in sight. Figuring that he would have to come back sooner or later I sat down at the table and waited for him to reappear.
Ten minutes of waiting and still Harry hadn't reappeared. I glanced around again to no avail and considered interrupting Ron on the dance floor, but decided against it when I saw him spin Lavender with a goofy grin on his face – he looked like he was having a lot of fun, and I didn't want to be the one to bring him back down to Earth. Merlin knows we all deserved to let loose these days.
Not wanting to wait any longer I decided to take a quick walk around the hall to look for him. Five more minutes of searching and I still hadn't found him. I couldn't stop the troubled sigh from escaping as I strolled out of the Great Hall, deciding to check the grounds. I couldn't think of a reason he'd be outside, but since he was obviously not inside I figured it would be better to test all options before recruiting Ron for the search.
Not two minutes into search I spotted Harry outside, sitting on one of the benches surrounded by floating candles and flowers. Frankly, the entire set up looked awfully romantic, and my heart clenched when I saw that he wasn't sitting alone. Well, he was doing a bit more than sitting, too.
"Harry?" As soon as I spoke he jerked away, cutting their kiss short, and his eyes landed on me immediately. The look on my face must have conveyed exactly what I was feeling because he literally jumped up from the bench not a second later.
"Hermione, I-," Harry took a step forward and I took one back, shaking my head, warning him to not come another step closer.
As I turned on my heel I tried to keep my composure, not wanting him to see my shoulders sink or hear me cry. I took deep breaths, willing myself to not let out the sob that was caught in my throat until I was back in my dorm, away from the music, the people, and most importantly, Harry.
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
It seemed to take an eternity to get to the Gryffindor common room and away from prying eyes of loitering students in the corridors. Harry didn't follow me, and I honestly wasn't sure if that made me feel better or worse. Didn't he care at all?
"Hermione?" Ginny's worried face entered my view and I felt more tears well up. Merlin, this was humiliating.
"Oh, 'Mione, it's okay," Ginny sat down on the sofa beside me, where I planted myself once I'd reached the common room. She set her hand on my shoulder, trying to soothe me, and gave me a half-hug that I appreciated more than she could know.
"I saw you run up here and, well, Harry was chasing after you..." Ginny gave me a worried look. "I can't believe he would do that, Hermione."
I just nodded, not knowing what else to do, but knowing I wouldn't be able to say anything without sobbing it out. Lovely.
"You can come back down with me, if you'd like. The party is still going and-,"
"No-no, Gin, that's the last place I want to be right now," I choked out and wiped my eyes on a handkerchief I'd summoned on my walk up to the common room.
"Okay. Want me to help you to your room, then?" Ginny offered, a pitiful look on her face. I shook my head and gave her the most reassuring smile I could muster under the circumstances.
"No, no. Thank you so much, Ginny, but you should go back down to the ball. I'm just going to sit by the fire for a bit and then hide out upstairs for the rest of the night. I'll be fine, but I think I'd prefer to be alone."
"Are you sure?" Ginny asked seriously.
"Yeah, I'm positive." I nodded, and Ginny gave me a hug before leaving to go back to the ball.
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
The following day, I decided to stay in my room to think things through.
I knew Harry liked Cho for the longest time, but I didn't think he'd go so far as to cheat on me to be with her. Didn't he at least have the decency to break up with me first? I'd known Harry for years and while he was undoubtedly an impulsive person he was never cruel. Until now.
While I knew that a romantic relationship would never again be in our future, it was painful to know that even a friendship looked bleak at that moment. Harry was… Harry. And I knew that I needed him – but at the moment, I didn't want to be anywhere near him.
Due to the restriction of boys inside the girls' dormitories it became Ginny's job to communicate for the trio while I refused to leave my room.
"Ron really wants to talk to you," Ginny said seriously.
"Which obviously means that he wants to speak for Harry, since I refuse to talk to him. What has he got to say for himself, anyways?"
"He… well, he hasn't said anything to me. Ron's the only one who's spoken to him," Ginny admitted uneasily. "Please, just come downstairs and talk this out?"
"Fine, but as I said before, I refuse to speak to Harry. I can't do that. Not yet, at least." I reluctantly stood up and saw Ginny's shoulders fall in relief. I followed her down the staircase, using her as a shield to the onslaught of looks that came as soon as I entered the common room. I felt myself blush from all of the attention. So much for Gryffindor bravery.
Ron looked hopefully surprised when he spotted me and set down a book that he was probably pretending to read. Harry was sitting beside him at the same table also 'reading' a book. He, however, looked very tense.
"Hey, Ron," I greeted, pointedly looking away from Harry. He didn't seem bothered by this.
"Hey," he said shortly.
"So… you wanted to talk?" Ron looked sharply at Ginny. She gave and innocent smile and looked away from him.
"Um, yeah, about er… you know…" He blatantly pointed to Harry, who sighed and sent him an irritated look.
"I'm sitting just here, you know?" Harry said bitterly, and finally looked up to meet my eyes for only a split second. "I think I'll be going now." And he left without a second glance.
I watched him walk away, not bothering to hide my disbelief.
"Seriously? He can't sit here and listen to you apologize for him?" I said incredulously and sank into the chair Harry had just vacated. Ron sighed.
"Look, Hermione, he er… said he was really sorry and he still wants to be friends, but he thinks you guys shouldn't be together anymore," Ron said awkwardly. He was never one to stick around when things got romantic between Harry and me, usually opting to pretend nothing was happening at all.
"Well, that's all great to hear, Ron, but if Harry wants to tell me anything he should be doing it himself," I said stubbornly, glaring down at the table.
"Not the easiest thing to do when you refuse to let him talk to you… especially if you stay locked up in the girls' tower." Ron gave me a pointed look and I rolled my eyes.
"Leave it to you to be the logical one when I take a sick day."
"I picked up on a few things after six years of being around you," Ron said smartly, giving a cautious smile. I caught myself returning the gesture and shrugged my shoulders.
"Honestly, though… d'you know if he… likes her? Or, why didn't he tell me?" I felt my eyes beginning to water, which I really did not want to happen in the public common room.
"He didn't want you to be upset." At this, I let out a dry laugh.
"Yeah, well, a lot of good that did. He should have just told me in the first place," I shook my head and Ron gave me a half-smile, trying to express some kind of support. I was sure he meant well, but it was difficult to accept when he was still on Harry's 'side,' no questions asked, even after he'd done this to me.
I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
FLASHBACK
"I've got to go." I said, trying to get away from my two best friends before either of them could ask questions. I grabbed my bag and walked quickly out of the Great Hall.
"Hermione, wait! Hermione!" Harry yelled as he followed me up the grand staircase, but I refused to stop. Everything was wrong. Messed up. No. No, no, no, no.
"Wait, Hermione," I felt Harry's hand wrap around my upper arm gently and he pulled me to a stop. I froze, refusing to turn to face him, and took stead breaths, calming myself. "What's wrong? Hermione, talk to me."
"Nothing is wrong, I'm fine." I tried reassuring him, but my voice was shaking.
"No, you're not. What did it say?" he motioned towards the parchment in my hand: a letter that I had just received from my parents.
"It's nothing." I told him, yet again. "There are bigger things to worry about. Just forget about it and let me go."
"I can tell you're lying. If something is upsetting you, it matters to me, too, even if you think it doesn't. Please, let me help you," he pressed, moving himself in front of me so we were face to face. I bit my bottom lip to hold in the sob that was bubbling up from my chest.
"'Mione, you can trust me." He said, reassuring me. I couldn't hold it in any longer, his words were too fit for the situation, too much of exactly what I needed to hear. I wrapped my arms around him and he held onto me just as tightly, knowing that I needed him to not let go, at least not yet.
He held onto me until I was calm enough to push away from him and form a coherent sentence. I sniffled and looked down at my shoes, completely embarrassed by the situation. Harry's intense gaze fell onto my face and he held my shoulders reassuringly.
"Hermione, please tell me what's wrong."
"Just… just read it." I pushed the letter into his hands and watched as his eyes skimmed through the short note.
"I'm so sorry." And he meant it. I heard his voice change, as if his throat was constricting, straining to say the words because by saying he was sorry he was confirming it had happened.
"It isn't fair, he was just… Harry, why do bad things keep happening to all of these good people around us?"
"I don't know, Hermione. This wasn't fair. This isn't fair," he said stiffly, and pulled her forward into another hug. Her body shook with a fresh wave of sobs as she cried for the future her younger brother would no longer have.
"I'm so sorry," he mumbled again, tightening his old on me, and kissed the top of my head.
END FLASHBACK
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
After one day of staying isolated in my room, musing about what had been and what could have been, I was done. Things happen, people change, and the world moved on. Worse things had happened in my life, that was for sure, and Harry's betrayal wasn't going to be the end of me yet.
Ron, who was waiting for me as I descended the staircase into the common room, pleasantly surprised me with a typical morning greeting. Ginny most likely told him that I was going to be downstairs soon. Luckily, Harry was nowhere in site.
"You don't look too bad," Ron said. I laughed and rolled my eyes, leave it to Ron to make some callus comment about my state of being.
"Thanks so much. You don't look too bad today either, Ron," I replied with a smile. He laughed and shrugged, the tip of his ears turning the slightest shade of red.
We entered the Great Hall and I could almost feel the shift in a majority of the students' gazes. Harry Potter was a major topic of gossip in the school, and that indirectly threw me into the mix as well. I ignored the attention, walked to the Gryffindor table with my head held high, and took a seat next to Ginny.
"Morning," I said simply, and began to load up my plate. "I'm starved."
"Not a surprise, since you haven't been out of the dorms in ages!" Ginny exaggerated and threw a piece of toast onto my plate with a smile.
"You've got to get your grains, yeah?"
"Gee, thanks, mum," I smirked but picked up the toast and made a point to eat it while Ginny was watching. She just laughed and continued eating her own food.
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
I knew where he was. If there was one thing Hermione Granger wasn't, it was dumb. He wasn't at the Gryffindor table, and he wasn't in the common room. Despite the fact that not seeing Harry suited me quite well, I knew that as soon as I did gather the nerve to look over at him it would sting.
I tried to be casual about it. Just peek over – don't look for too long, or else people will begin to notice. He might notice.
I looked over.
And I couldn't look away.
There he was, seated next to Cho at the Ravenclaw table, his head bent towards her, obviously holding a private conversation. He seemed to be trying to avoid any and all attention, which, in retrospect, would have probably been more successful if he wasn't flaunting his new relationship by sitting at another house's table. Sometimes he could be thick.
He must have felt me looking at him because when he finally did look away from Cho the first place his eyes landed was on me. I held his gaze and then looked between the two. They weren't a bad couple – nothing spectacular, but nothing terrible. I couldn't help but wonder if they had been a better couple – Harry and Hermione vs Harry and Cho. Bloody hell.
I looked away quickly, mentally berating myself for getting caught up in the moment like that. I shouldn't have compared herself to Cho Chang; I was usually above such petty, superficial things. People shouldn't be judged by weighing the physical pros and cons – character overall was what really mattered, right?
Still, in the back of my mind I couldn't help but wonder if maybe – just maybe – Harry had chosen Cho because she didn't need a grandeur ball to look beautiful.
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Once I had left the Great Hall, I let out a huge sigh of relief. I leaned against the great oak doors and closed my eyes, hoping that when I opened them again I'd wake up to find the last few days to be a horrible dream. Of course, logic reminded me that I would have no luck. This was real, and I had to deal with it whether I wanted to or not.
I walked to my first class alone, keeping my eyes trained ahead in order to avoid the quick glances every person seemed unable to send my way. If this was what I was receiving I couldn't help but wonder how Harry was fairing. I was merely the ex-girlfriend of the Boy-Who-Lived.
I entered the Potions classroom to find most of the students in their places, wondering how I'd ended up being the last of the few to arrive. Two seats were available: my usual one at Ron and Harry's table, and the other next to Malfoy. I stood by for a moment, weighing the options, and finally decided to swallow my pride and take a seat next to Ron, making sure to avoid Harry at all costs.
The chatter seemed to pick up when I took my seat – apparently everyone had been waiting to see what I'd decide. Honestly, couldn't people focus on their own problems for once?
"Hey 'Mione," Ron said awkwardly, but sent a smile my way.
"Hello, Ron," I didn't look his way in order to avoid having to see Harry. What was happening to me? I couldn't even look at him now?
"Hi Hermione," Harry's voice rang out quietly and I felt my shoulders tense up. He did not just speak to me. I clenched by jaw and pointedly ignored him. I heard him give an audible sigh.
"Ha! Can't even acknowledge he exists." Malfoy. Lovely. "Whatever will happen next in the great trio of morons?" His regal voice chimed out and everyone else stopped their talking to listen in.
I chose to ignore him, extremely happy that I hadn't chosen the seat beside him. Ron, however, didn't seem to have as much self control as I did at the moment.
"Bugger off, Malfoy."
"Watch it, Weasley – now that the other two idiots aren't speaking you'll find yourself friendless soon. I'd recommend go trying to hire some new ones, but everyone knows you're too poor to afford even Longbottom."
"Shove off, Malfoy, we're all still friends," Harry raised his voice. A dry laugh escaped my lips and I sat up immediately, realizing that this wasn't the best time for such nuances.
"Honestly, Hermione?" Harry spat out, sounding both angry and offended. I finally looked over at him in absolute disbelief.
"You haven't even said you're sorry! You can't just go around assuming I'd forgive you when you haven't even made a motion to earn it. Merlin, Harry!" I could hear warning bells in my head go off – don't do this here! But I was so angry, and so hurt, and his lack of empathy was the one thing that had been bothering me the most.
"How could I apologize when you don't even give me the time of day?" Harry said incredulously.
"So now this is my fault?!" I felt my eyes beginning to water, which was the absolute last thing I wanted to happen.
"Er, guys, how about later?" Ron interjected, his ears red with discomfort and embarrassment. I looked around the room to see almost every eye trained on us. I looked down at the table, trying to regain my composure. This was humiliating.
"Well, that was entertaining," Malfoy announced happily. A few of the Slytherins laughed. Harry stared straight ahead, looking livid but holding back.
When Snape walked in a minute later I forced myself to pay attention and take notes, distracting myself as completely as I could.
Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...
Two weeks. Two weeks it took Harry to finally approach me and apologize. He explained himself with disjointed excuses, trying to fill in the gaps of what happened, what I'd apparently been missing, and finally admit that he was wrong to have cheated – wrong to have no told me the truth in first place.
Of course, his apology wasn't filled with explanations of his wrongs, but also pointed out what he saw as my flaws. You were always busy reading; you never seemed to appreciate that we were together – "You just assumed we always would be; we, our relationship, was the least important thing on your list; it wasn't even a 'we' relationship – it was 'Me and Harry.'"
I'd listened patiently, trying to understand where he was coming from. I got it – I really, really did. I could admit that I wasn't the most attentive and I did take advantage of our situation more than not. But nothing, none of this, could justify how he completely betrayed my trust and cheat on me.
I told him that I understood, but I also told him how I felt, and how I knew – I know – that I didn't deserve the treatment he bestowed me. I was hurt, I was going to be hurt for a long time, and if he ever wanted to try and obtain the friendship we once had he would have to earn it. He would have to prove that even though he didn't love me as a girlfriend, he could love me as a friend and respect me enough to not hurt me.
By the end of the conversation he looked downcast, and I'm positive that I wasn't feeling any better than he was about the situation. I'd said it before, I'll say it again: Harry was Harry, and I would always need him around in a sense. He may not be the one I needed to come home to at night, but he was the one that I needed to hug and reassure me that where I would be going home was the right place to be.
As I walked away from Harry after the much-needed apology I told myself that this was the beginning of a long road to friendship-recovery. While I was sure he wanted to work at is as much as I did, I knew that my guard would be up this time. It wouldn't be easy to fix everything, no, it would be hard to look at him, hard to see him with Cho, hard to see him happy without me. But I would pull through – even if it meant having to put up some walls and allowing myself to forgive him for the pain he'd caused.
So that was it – guarded, but willing, and only time would tell if forgiveness was really tangible in the future. But Merlin, I hoped it was.
A/N: Thank you for reading, guys. I revised it and while I'm sure it is better than it was, I'm still absolutely not sure what I was thinking when I wrote it in the first place lol. I know there wasn't a point to it - I just remember my 15 year old self really liking the song and wanting to write around it hah. Plus, I'd never written anything other than a Dramione, so this was a way to 'expand my horizons' or something. Anyways, yeah, thanks for reading :).