First Vampire Knight fic! Yay! :D
Pairings: KanamexYuki, very slight ZeroxYuki (if you squint), very very slight KanamexHoodedwoman Time: When Yuki is a human and still a disciplinary committee thingy person and infatuated with Zero and oblivious to Kaname's feelings. (sigh) A/N: I was watching Vampire Knight again and I started wondering what Kaname was thinking whenever he was staring at Yuki from his window and looking really sad. Also, there might be spoilers if you don't know about Kaname's past/ don't know who the hooded woman is.
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to the lovely Matsuri Hino. I own nothing (except this fanfiction). Read and review! :) Or just read.
We live as we dream-alone...
Snow falls, slowly, and the world shifts in and out of focus. Snowflakes land on my skin and coldness freezes me. Colours are faded, pale, and I see nothing but the darkness of the sky, and the white snow.
"Kaname-sama!"
I turn and see you running towards me. You look cheerful and excited, the wind blowing your long, dark hair into your face. Suddenly, the sky is bright, and everything is clear, sharp; colours, vivid.
"Kaname-sama, it's my birthday! Today is the day you saved me from that scary vampire! So, happy birthday!"
You hug me tightly, smiling up at me. I smile back and say, "No, Yuki. Today is your birthday, so I should be saying happy birthday to you."
"Oh!" Your cheeks are pink from the cold and you look so happy. I'd give anything, absolutely anything, to turn back time. To see you like this. To hold you and keep you safe from the world. I'd give anything for it to be just the two of us again, happy, carefree. Together.
I must have looked distant because you lift your head to look up at me. You look worried, and your gaze seems to see through to my very soul.
"Kaname-sama, are you lonely?"
You smile gently, waiting for an answer. My heart aches. I feel like glass, transparent, fragile. You were always able to see through me.
Always.
Fine, thin cracks appear at the edges of my vision. They grow wider and wider as everything slows down and starts to fade, flickering like fire, shattering like ice.
You start to speak, but your words melt away, and I cannot hear you, only silence. Only the sound of my heartbeat. Fear begins to swallow me, and my blood runs cold.
"Yuki!" I almost scream, but the wind, louder now, rips the words away violently. The younger you has disappeared, in your place is the Yuki I know now, grown up and beautiful. But you start to fade away, and you're looking at me like how you used to, when I was the only sky your light had to fill. That gaze makes me remember what we used to be. I remember how you would call my name so lovingly.
When I was your whole world.
There is nothing that I fear more than losing you.
I can barely see you now, I can barely feel your warmth.
"Yuki," I say, my voice a little louder than a whisper.
"Yuki, don't leave me. Don't leave me… alone."
I don't want to be alone. Not alone, shivering, cold.
Not again.
I feel weak and I fall to my knees. I've always been alone. I've been alone for more than a thousand years and yet it's only been 10 years since you've forgotten me. Sorrow has been a part of me for so long that I barely feel it now. All I know is that it feels cold. It feels like I am falling. I'm scared, Yuki.
I'm scared.
"Kaname-sama…"
I look up and it feels like I am gazing into the very blaze of a brilliant sun.
Radiant.
Dazzling.
That is what you have always been to me, Yuki. At times I find myself unable to look away from the blinding light that is your whole being. Everything else, even the sun—dull in comparison.
You kneel down and wrap your arms around me, hug me so tightly as if you're afraid I'm going to disappear. Just like you used to. And I remember nights spent with blankets, staying up late, telling stories.
Just the two of us.
The snow falls silently and I bury my head into the softness of your coat, listen to your calm, quiet breathing. The fear is gone. I feel… warm.
In this world I can hold you and forget that you are not mine.
In this world I don't have to be alone.
But, this world doesn't last. Nothing lasts. Not even your smile.
All too soon, I am holding nothing but empty air. I open my eyes and see the ceiling of my room at the academy. Dim light shines tentatively from the window. It is late evening, and night classes will start soon.
And, I'm cold.
Alone.
"Zero! Hey, Zero!"
Yuki.
I sit up and the world spins dangerously. My head hurts, as it often does, but it is bearable. I cross over to the window and look outside. Yuki walks slowly, urgently, searching for someone. So much like the girl I know and yet a stranger. Her hair is shorter, but still frayed at the ends and the strands fall into her eyes. I always thought her eyes were beautiful. She turns and catches my gaze. The emotions that flit across her face are quick; surprise, anxiety.
Fear.
Then she hides it behind a smile. "I'm sorry if I disturbed you, Kaname-senpai. I'm looking for Zero." She retreats before I can say anything.
It was there, I saw it. And I have seen it before. Fear. She's afraid of me. I know this but it hurts all the same.
I wonder what she sees when she looks at me. Glass, stone? Does ever hear my heart breaking?
I turn away from the window. My head hurts. I walk over to my chessboard and pick up the queen. Sometimes I feel as if I'm drowning. Sometimes I wonder if I have the strength to keep my head above the water. Or if someday I will let the waves drag me under.
"Kaname."
My breathing stops for a moment.
That voice…
"Vampires and humans are very different, you know."
Not her. Anyone but her. I set down the queen carefully. It takes all my strength to keep my eyes on the chessboard.
"She understands that you are different from her. That is why she distances herself from you. After all, you're a liar, and you keep too many secrets, and you can be very cruel, too."
"But you're very…fragile, aren't you, Kaname?"
The window shatters and many glass pieces scatter to the ground. My breathing is uneven and my head hurts. This is…
"Kaname, are you lonely?"
I turn around quickly and I finally see her. Straw-coloured hair, two long, thin braids, a faint smile like the springtime. Exactly as I remember. Her smile stretches a little wider before she's gone. There is nothing there.
There has always been nothing there.
I take a shaky breath. "It has been 10 years," I tell the empty, suffocating air. Its hard to breathe. The air feels like blades down my throat.
My voice trembles, and I can barely manage a whisper.
"How much longer do I have to be alone?"
Silence answers me.
I realize I am shivering.
I realize that ten years has been far too long to wait. And I don't know if I have enough strength to keep waiting.
I want my sun to come back to me. I want to sleep and dream and never have to wake up.
Because I'm lonely.
I'm lonely, Yuki.