Three Times Commander Alice Shepard Didn't Cry (And The One Time She Did)
1.
Momma was on leave, in between posts. Alice liked those days, when Momma and Daddy were both home. When Momma was home, she made pancakes for breakfast. Real ones, filled with real strawberries. Momma always cooked when she was home. And this year, on her 8th birthday, she was making a cake.
Sometimes, when Momma got home, Daddy would leave, saying it was his turn to go to work. But he had PROMISED that this year, he would be back in time for her party. And then he would set up a shooting range in the backyard of their Alliance-issued house on Elysium, and everyone would take turns shooting practice slugs at beer bottles.
He had kissed her on the cheek, and ruffled the pale blonde hair on her head. Then he hoisted the duffel bag containing his favorite rifle, 'Jessie' he called it, over his shoulder and was gone.
The next week Alice pestered and pestered Momma, begging for strawberries on her cake. Strawberries on everything. It was her birthday!
Then the big day arrived. Alice had her favorite pink and white dress on, with shiny pink shoes to match. Nana had done her hair, braided little white daisies into the thick blonde mess.
But… no Daddy. No shooting range in the backyard. Nana and Papa yelled at Momma, said awful things about Daddy. The grownups didn't see her, when she was behind the sofa. Alice stayed there, and she could feel the tiny pricks of tears forming behind her eyes. But she couldn't cry; they would hear her. And her party would be ruined.
Daddy didn't come home that day. Or the next day. Or the day after that. But Alice never felt those tiny burning pangs behind her eyes again. Not for her father.
2.
Since she had woken up on the slab, mere days before, Commander Alice Shepard had seen three friendly faces. First it had been Tali's face. Well, Alice had seen Tali, not her face.
Then, Joker. He had flown her around the galaxy during the search for the Conduit, and Saren. But he had been more than that. At Arcturus High School, he had been her best friend. They ate lunch together, the quiet kid with the bad bones, and the bitter biotic girl who lived with her grandparents.
And finally, Doctor Chakwas. The woman who had patched her up after the beacon explosion on Eden Prime. And then after every subsequent battle after that.
Getting the dossier for Zaeed Massani didn't count. Alice had long come to terms with the mercenary leaving her and her mother alone. And when she picked him up at the Omega docks, she doubted that he even knew who she was. And she didn't care.
They had two people to pick up on Omega. The squad had already picked up Mordin Solus, a salarian whose mouth moved fast, with a brain that moved faster. Now, on the dossier that glowed on her omni-tool, their next pickup would be a sniper, codenamed Archangel. The only intel they had on him was that he was in deep trouble, and he was a turian.
That made Alice feel sick to her stomach. There was only one turian she wanted back on her goddamn ship, and he owed her a date.
Her grandfather's hateful rhetoric against turians poisoned Alice's mind, made her hate the race for what they had supposedly done to her uncles during the First Contact War. But, Garrus made her realize that they weren't all bad. It had been a war, and the turians were doing their duty. She would have done the same: her duty as a soldier.
She had grown to like the man during their time on the SR-1. He was quiet, and followed her orders without question. He asked her for her opinion on important issues. When the Normandy had been grounded, he reached out a hand to comfort her. He had her six.
And now The Illusive Man wanted her to recruit another turian? She would do it, but she didn't have to like him.
They had reached the top of the stairs, put a bullet in the brains of the mercs trying to open the door to the room where Archangel had made his haven. Shepard had Mordin and Zaeed stay close behind her as she confronted the lone sniper. There was no telling how he would react to three armed people entering his base of operations.
But… he didn't do anything. Just held up a finger, and shot a merc between the eyes.
Well, that was new.
Then the helmet came off and Alice found herself staring at a pair of familiar blue eyes, familiar blue facial tattoos.
Time passed quickly, shooting mercenaries. It was just like old times.
Then the gunship made the festivities grind to a screeching halt. There was a blaze of orange and blue to her right, and Garrus was face down in a puddle of blue blood.
Tarak was going to pay for it. Shepard ordered Mordin to stabilize Garrus, and she took great pleasure in watching that gunship go down in a ball of flames.
His three fingered hand felt so strange in her own hand. But she held onto him for dear life, as his life signs weakened. She was his commander; he couldn't see her crying now.
3.
The lock-up was not what she had expected. She had a decent room, with actual windows. Alice was pretty sure that they were all kinds of shatterproof, and there wasn't any extranet access, and she was slowly going insane.
She wasn't allowed visitors unless they had top level security clearance.
She wasn't allowed to leave her room without an armed guard.
She wasn't allowed to be out of uniform.
So many rules.
At least they gave her makeup. And her armed guard wasn't all that bad. James Vega wasn't hard on the eyes, either.
So, not so bad.
But, even still, she missed Garrus. The night before they hit the Omega-4 relay had been one of the best nights of her life. It had been, well, weird waking up next to a turian. He was a warm and leathery addition to her bed, and it just felt right.
The Reapers were coming. She had seen it herself, done her best to stop it. Alice didn't pray very often, but every night before she went to bed, she prayed that they hadn't arrived in the galaxy yet. She was stuck here, and she had no news of Palaven. Garrus had said that he would head back to his home world, try and prepare for the inevitable invasion.
Alice prayed for him every night.
She was reading an old book. One her mother would read to her when she was home on leave. It was her mother's favorite book, 'Alice in Wonderland'. Hannah Shepard had even named her daughter after the main character.
Alice just loved to flip through it, and find all of her favorite quotes.
"The time has come
The walrus said
To talk of many things:
Of shoes- and ships-
And sealing wax-
Of cabbages and kings-
And why the sae is boiling hot-
And whether pigs have wings."
A knock on the door brought her out of the book.
"Commander, you have a visitor." Vega said, his voice coming through the intercom.
Alice gave her assent, and curled back up on the bed with her book. A familiar voice came from the figure who was standing over her.
"Hey, Mom."
Her mother sat at the edge of the bed, and asked how her daughter was doing. When Alice didn't speak, the older woman took the book from her daughter's hand, and began reading.
"Do you think I've gone round the bend?"
"I'm afraid so. You're mad, bonkers, completely off your head. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."
For the first time, in a long while, Alice felt tears beginning to burn behind her eyes. But, no. She couldn't cry, not in front of her mother.
4.
The docking bay was silent. And it was nice, standing alone, leaning against the handrail, by herself with her thoughts. And there was the Normandy, her ship.
It had been a wild ride, and she had loved every second of it.
The party the night before had left her with a headache and stomach cramps from trying the dextro-appetizers for Garrus and Tali. But it had been amazing to have everyone in one place for just a night. The picture Glyph took was stored on her omni-tool, and Alice called it up.
Everyone was smiling, looking a little too drunk. Garrus was leaned in real close to her, and Alice recalled how his breath had smelled like beer, and how after the picture was taken she had dragged him to the master bedroom and slammed the door behind her.
There were footsteps behind her, and lots of them. Funny how being hungover made every sound louder.
She recognized Garrus' footsteps, and she smiled up at him when he leaned in and nuzzled her neck. She liked the feel of him beside her. And she liked it more when he put his arm around her waist, like he was doing now.
Then the entire crew was around her, all leaning against that same handrail, all staring at the Normandy.
This wasn't just her ship. This was their ship. For many of them, three years of their life had been spent on it.
She wouldn't have been the same person she was now, if it hadn't been for them. They weren't just her crew, weren't just expendable grunts to throw away when it got tough. The thought of losing anyone made her stomach churn. And that wasn't just the hangover talking.
She had lost so much already.
Mordin.
Legion.
Thane.
"So, guess it's back to the fight."
"At least we threw one hell of a party. Probably the last one."
Tears formed in her eyes at the thought of that.
"That doesn't sound like my girl. You'll find a way to win. And when this is over, I'll be waiting for you."
Garrus kissed her cheek softly, and bowed his head.
"Best times of my life were spent on that ship. Been a damn good ride."
Alice chuckled at that, but found her nose getting stuffy. Her eyes burned a little, and she found that she had to wipe tears off her cheeks. But she had a smile on her face as she looked at the Normandy from the docking bay one last time.
"The best."