wrote most of it, though, she'd kill me...
Lament
Everyone naturally assumes I hate her. Why shouldn't they?
I
refuse to speak to her when she does happen to come down to the gatherings
or
staff meetings. I call her a fake. I do nothing but speak
ill of her.
And it's all because I'm scared to death.
I'm so afraid to let myself get anywhere near her. I'm supposed
to
hate her, dammit! She's a bug-eyed, brainless ditz! But
those bug eyes are
the clearest shade of blue I've ever seen, and that empty brain hides
behind the face of an angel....
No! This isn't right. It's unnatural. It's unfair.
Why the hell
did this have to happen? Maybe I could deal with falling in love
with
another woman, but HER?
I guess part of the reason I avoid her is because I know that she
despises me as much as I pretend to despise her. And why shouldn't
she? I
treat her like scum...besides, the whole world knows she's in love
with
Severus Snape. Why should I have a chance?
Because I love her, damnit. And that's more than Severus will
ever
do. I value her as a person, not just for her gorgeous body.
Every night
when I close my eyes her face is right there, leaning over me.
I can
almost taste her lips on mine.
I never wanted this to happen. But there's just something about
her
that is so....so alluring, so inviting. Even though she acts
like a
senseless git at times, her soul is so beautiful...
Every time I pass her in the hall I have to actually bite my tongue
to keep myself from blurting out the truth. Who would have believed
it...Professor Minerva Miriam McGonagall, madly in love with Sybill
Trelawney...
I would lose everything. My job, the few friends I do have, my
reason for living. And Sybill would laugh in my face.
And so I avoid her at all costs. When I have to speak to her,
I
make sure to spit out the most bitter, spiteful, hateful comments I
can think of.
Maybe if I just keep repeating the insults, I'll eventually begin to
believe them myself.
Maybe.
Who am I fooling? I'm deeply, madly, horribly in love with her
and
I can't talk myself out of it. I'd go to Dumbledore with my problem
but I'm
afraid he'd fire me. He's known for second chances...not third.
No one can understand this. Hell, I don't even understand it,
why
should anyone else?
I'm a witch. She's a witch. Witches aren't supposed
to love
witches! I taught her once, you know.
I loved her even then.
It's wrong. It's digustingly wrong. Not only the fact that
I'm in
love with a woman, but that I'm ten years her senior!
But she's so beautiful. So sexy and facinating.
I can only
imagine the happiness I'd feel if she'd accept me the way I want her
to. Be her
friend, her lover. The one she can turn to with her problems.
The one who
will kiss them away.
But that will never happen.
I'm a lesbian, yes. I hate myself for it, but it's what I am.
And
she's in love with that snake, Severus. I don't have a prayer.
I'm not sure
if I want one.