This first chapter is set during the second night Mei Lin spends at Blake's house, so shortly after the dinner party that Alice came to, in S4E4.

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"Keep true. Never be ashamed of doing right. Decide what you think is right and stick to it."

― George Eliot

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Jean closed her bedroom door with a sense of huge relief. After probably the second hardest day of her life, she wanted some peace, and some time when she didn't have to pretend everything was normal. It most definitely was not. Not since the news of Christopher's death had she felt so broken.

But she had got through the whole day without crying in front of Mei Lin or Lucien, and had even survived that dreadful dinner party. She was actually grateful for Alice's tendency to talk constantly about work; really Alice and Charlie had made it bearable, just.

Now, she wanted to sleep. To sleep forever if that were possible, and if it wasn't, then at least until morning. She'd barely closed her eyes the night before, constantly reliving the awful realisation that Lucien was married and everything she had hoped for was over.

She changed into her pyjamas and climbed into bed, hugging the hot water bottle to her front. It wasn't a cold night but she was shivering. As soon as she closed her eyes the images started in her mind.

For the last few weeks, even months, she had fallen asleep with pictures in her mind of a shared future with Lucien.

She had allowed herself to dream a little, to imagine what it might be like to wake up together, to walk hand in hand, to hold him.

Now these thoughts were replaced with images of Lucien's expression when he saw his wife, with Mei Lin's face when she looked at Jean with suspicion, and with the glances of pity that Charlie and Alice gave her.

Jean opened her eyes again and listened to the sounds of the rest of the household getting ready for bed. Mei Lin had turned in some time ago. Charlie had gone to his room when Jean went to bed. But she could still hear Lucien walking around his study.

Jean wondered where he was going to sleep tonight. Would he share his bed with Mei Lin? He probably had no choice. Jean recoiled at the idea. She realised with a jolt that she hadn't even. thought about where he had slept the night before, when Mei Lin arrived so late. Had he slept beside her then?

Finally she heard him walking upstairs, heading for the bathroom. But on his way back he paused, and she knew he was outside her door. Without thinking of the consequences, Jean swung her legs out of bed and moved to the door, quietly opening it a crack. She met Lucien's eyes in the dim light on the landing, and for a moment they just looked at each other frankly, with no pretence.

Jean found that her hand was on his forearm, and she was drawing him into her room. He moved with her, and they sat side by side on the edge of her bed, still in darkness and silence. He put his arm around her waist, letting his hand rest on her hip. To Jean the gesture felt so familiar; in the last few weeks this had become usual between them. But now his hand burned into her.

She could smell whisky on his breath as he leaned towards her. "I'm so sorry, Jean," he said quietly, whispering it virtually into her ear. She nodded but did not reply.

She was torn between wanting him to hold her like this, and knowing she ought to move away. Mei Lin was downstairs and they somehow had to accept that they could not be together. He would have to go back to his wife. Jean shifted restlessly and he took his hand away, using it to hold her hand instead.

"I don't want her, Jean. I want you. I want to marry you."

"I know," she replied, her voice so quiet he had to bend closer to hear her. "But she's your wife." At the end of this her voice broke into a sob, and she turned away, unwilling to let him see her cry. He put both arms around her and this time she did not move away.

For several minutes he held her quietly as she fought for self control. Then he kissed her gently on the cheek, tasting the salt on her skin from her tears.

"We'll find a way," he said, with more confidence than he felt.

"No, we have no choice, Lucien. It's over," she replied. She stood then and opened the door, hoping he would leave before she changed her mind.

"I..." But then he sighed. He would try again to convince her, but not now, not while they both needed to sleep. He was exhausted but could not share a bed with his wife. He stood up wearily.

She must have read his mind. "You could sleep in Mattie's old room," she said. "If you don't want to..." She couldn't say the words 'sleep with Mei Lin'. He suddenly realised that she thought he had done just that yesterday.

"I slept in the chair in my study last night," he said, looking Jean in the eye. She nodded. "Goodnight, Lucien."

"Goodnight, Jean," he murmured, and she closed the door.

She lay down on the bed again and waited for sleep, for oblivion.