Summary : The crossover no one wanted, with an ending no one saw coming.

This is only going to be in a dialogue-y script like format. Not sure if it would classify as a 'crack' fic but its the closest I'll ever do if it's not. I've been seein' and hearin' alot lovin' and hatin' between different fictional characters. Specifically those who are...vampiric in nature. I already consider this thing an Epic Fail. It's an Epic Crossover Fail, actually. It's a competition between four vampire Fan Favorites. It will consist also of a charismatic host, and a fine panel of expert judges. Other characters may be introduced later on as special guest stars. I may become hated by people for this. Because people seem to get incredible personal and get very hateful if anything even remotely looks like an insult is directed at one of their favorite fictional characters. To quote Holden McNeil in Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back "They're talking about fictional characters. Fic-tion-al characters. Am I... Am I getting through to you at all?" No insults intended here, just poking fun at all of them, really. Even my favorite characters. All in good fun. It kind of sucks, I know. But it makes me laugh.

Disclaimers will be at the end of each chapter as to not give anything away.

I will get back to my Outsiders fic. Just this idea has been bugging me for a while.

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{Setting - On stage in front of large studio audience: Spot light on host}

HENRY - Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen! My name is Henry Fitzroy, and I welcome you to The Vampyre Versus! Tonight we will judge four of your favorite vampires in categories such as : who has the most dysfunctional relationship? Who has the Best Ride? Who has the more kick-ass posse? Who has the better antagonist? The best personality? The most attractive? Best Personality? Most dazzling smile? [HENRY smiles] just to name a few. Now, before we bring out our contestants, let's introduce our judges!

[Henry motions to long table in front of the stage ]

HENRY- Our first judge is Former Tonight Show host, and current owner of 'Brodie's Secret Stash' in Red Bank, New Jersey. Everybody's favorite fan boy. Ladies and Gentlemen, Brodie Bruce!

[ BRODIE walks in from side and sits in first seat from the right. Turns and waves at cheering and applauding crowd before turning back to HENRY]

HENRY - How'ya doing, Brodie?

BRODIE - I'm doing good, Hank. Very excited to be here.

HENRY- Fantastic. Our next judge worked homicide in Baltimore, and is currently working with New Yorks finest in the SVU. Let's give a big round of applause to Detective John Munch!

[ Loud applause from audience as MUNCH comes in from the side. He waves to the crowd before taking his seat next to BRODIE ]

HENRY - Did you enjoy your flight, John?

MUNCH - No.

HENRY - Fantastic. Alright. Our next judge came all the way from London to be here tonight, Ladies and Gentlemen. The Always beautiful, Ms. Patricia 'Pussy' Braden!

[Loud applause from audience as PUSSY walks in from side entrance. She turns, blows kisses to the audience and takes her seat beside MUNCH ]

HENRY - You look quite glamorous this evening, Pussy.

PUSSY - I always look glamorous, Henry. Thanks for noticing. [ winks at HENRY]

HENRY - [laughs and winks back] And Last, but certainly not least, A child genius from Tulsa. A budding new novelist, Ponyboy Curtis!

[ Loud Applause. PONYBOY walks in, scratching his next looking around at the crowd. Timidly takes his seat beside PUSSY.]

HENRY - Glad you could make it.

PONYBOY - Thanks..

HENRY - That is it for our judges! Lets give 'em another big round of applause.

[ Loud applause]

HENRY- And now for our Contestants! First, we have a perpetual high school student from Forks, Washington, Edward Cullen!

[Loud applause and girly screams from audience as EDWARD walks in from back stage. Stands Center stage with hands in his pockets.]

HENRY - Second, from right here in Los Angeles, Former Scourge, Poet and ghost, currently a dark defender on the mean streets of L.A...Ladies and Gentlemen, Spike!

[ Loud applause as SPIKE walks out on stage, smirking and waving to the audience. Stands next to EDWARD, who he glares at momentarily.]

HENRY - Up next, a vampire from...well, from where ever the hell he wants to be, here's Zillah!

[ Loud applause as ZILLAH walks onto stage, also smirking. His arms are crossed in hostile manner. Snarls slightly at EDWARD. Gives SPIKE a slightly respectful nod before standing next to him.]

HENRY- And last, but certainly and in no way shape or form the least, Rock Star, author,and Brat Prince, Ladies and Gentlemen, I give to you, The Vampire Lestat!

[Loud chanting 'LESTAT!LESTAT!'. Girls screaming. LESTAT makes his was on to the stage, bowing and blowing kisses to the audience. LESTAT naturally stands a few steps ahead of everybody else, giving the other three vampires on stage a 'I'm better than you' smirk as the crowd quiets. ]

HENRY- And there you have it, folks! Our contestants!

[Another loud applause]

HENRY - Now before we cut to our first commercial break, let's have the judges predictions for the end of the show. Brodie, who do you think will win?

BRODIE- Well, y'know Henry, I'm gunna have to say Spike. He's tough. Totally bad ass. And I gotta say, I love that coat.

[ Round of applause from the audience. SPIKE smiles and nods toward BRODIE]

HENRY- Fair enough. Alrighty, John, who's your vamp of choice up here?

MUNCH- I have to go with Zillah. He hasn't got all the flash and Pizaz as the others, but I like his attitude. You never know what this guy is going to do next.

[Round of applause. ZILLAH smirks again, but stays aloof.]

HENRY- Alright. Pussy, comments?

PUSSY- I'm goin to have ta say Edward. I find him very beautiful and tragic.

[Applause]

HENRY- Okay, Ponyboy. You have the final word here before the commercial.

PONYBOY- Well, I am going to have to go with Lestat. He...is a great character. Very emotional and is loved very much by the people around him...and he's real cool.

[ Loud applause]

HENRY- [Smiling] Alright. It's an even playing field here tonight. We'll be right back after these messages from the new management of Wolfram and Hart.

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Disclaimers: Oh...where to start?

In Order of appearence.

HENRY FITZROY belongs to Tanya Huff. I am unable to find any of her Blood Books, but I have seen several episodes of Blood Ties and I think Henry would be a great vampire host for a vampire competition.

BRODIE BRUCE belongs to Kevin Smith. He appears in Mallrats, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

JOHN MUNCH belongs to a guy named Tom Fontana, and starred in Homicide: Life on the Streets, and Law and Order SVU. He also guest starred on X-Files, Law and Order, Law and Order Trial by Jury, Arrested Development, The Beat, The Wire, and a muppet version of him appeared on a Seseme Street skit, Law and Order : Special Letters Unit.

PATRICIA 'PUSSY' BRADON belongs to Pat McCabe. Patrick/Patricia 'Pussy' Braden appears in the novel 'Breakfast on Pluto' and well as the movie with the same name.

PONYBOY CURTIS belongs to S.E Hinton. I could no resist putting a character from the Outsiders. The Outsiders is in my comfort zone.

EDWARD CULLEN belongs to Stephenie Meyers. He appears in the Twilight book series.

SPIKE belongs to Joss Whedon from the Buffy and Angel Series.

ZILLAH belongs to Poppy Z. Brite. He appears in her novel 'Lost Souls' A very good book, if you haven't read it yet.

LESTAT de LIONCOURT belongs to Anne Rice, and is almost every book in the Vampire Chronicles.