Live from Arkansas: THEBIGT2000!!!!!!!!!!!!!
T: Hey everybody, sorry I'm not at home, but hey everyone needs a vacation, right?
Crowd: WE LOVE YOU BIGT!!!!
T: Thank you, thank you, now I'm here to announce something magnificent, seriously, it's like if Chuck Norris beat up AL Queada and then found a cure for all known STDs at the same time.
Crowd: OOOOHHHHH!!!!
T: Do you want to know what it is?
Crowd: YES!!!
T: Are you sure?
Crowd: YES!!!
T: Are you positive?
Crowd: JUST TELL US!!!
T: Whoa, sorry, just got tied up in the suspense… The magnificent discovery is… Is… Is… The New Hero of Time Episode!!!!!!!
Crowd: YAYYYYYY!!!!!
T: And with that, let's get to it! ACTION!
…
T: I said action!
…
T: What the hell is the problem?
Guy: We can't get the clip to run!
T: Well call the maintenance guy!
Guy: He's on break!
T: Great, I guess I'll just have to sing a song to pass the time then!
Crowd: LET'S ALL GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!
T: SIT DOWN!!!
Crowd: Sorry…
T: As bewildered as I am that yer all talking together at the same time, I'll sing a little song for ya while the maintenance guy finishes his coffee and doughnuts… Ehem… We-
Maintenance Guy: I'm done; I'll fix that clip box now…
Crowd: Thank goodness- I mean, aww darn, we didn't get to hear T sing a song…
T: I can still sing some-
Crowd: No, no, you might distract the maintenance guy!
T: Yeah, yeah, I get the point… I'll sing later!
Maintenance Guy: Clips are fixed Mr. T…
T: I pity the fool! HAHA!! Oh… I've waited a year for someone to call me that… Now, ON WITH THE CLIPS! AND ON WITH THE NEW HERO OF TIME!!!
Tucker: What happened last time again?
Navi: For the love of pie, can you ever remember anything?
Tucker: Of course I can Navo!
Navi: Navo? NAVO? You have got to be kidding me!
Tucker: Oh, yeah, of course, Frank.
Navi: Frank!? Forget it, let's just go, you Iron Knuckles and Darknuts ready to go?
D's and I's: YEAH!
Tucker: Who were those guys?
Navi: You are so stupid!
Tucker: HAHA!! I was just busting yer chops Navi, relax, take a powder…
Navi: What does that even mean?
Tucker: No one knows…(Spooky crescendo)
Navi: I'm not even gonna ask…
Tucker: That's probably for the best, let's go Lisa…
Ivana: I'm Ivana, sweetie!
Tucker: I know… HAHAHA!!!
While the suddenly amnesiac Tucker and co. marched off toward the innards of the water temple, they descended to the boss room, which just happened to be the fortune-telling booth between the tilt a whirl and the snack bar.
Tucker: Ooh! Can we get some corndogs? Let's get some!
Darknut: Oh let's do!
Navi: You will not act like him! Whatever you do, do not act like him!
Tucker: Never too much of a good thing!
Darknut: Come, brothers, corndogs for all!
D's and I's: YEAH!!!
After looting the snack bar, the group staggered over to the fortuneteller's booth.
Tucker: Hello? Anyone here? We're looking for the boss of this place!
Voice: Oh, really, and who are you to ask to see me?
Tucker looked around but all he could see was a small crystal ball on a table in front of him.
Tucker: Are you invisible, or just really short?
Voice: I'm in the ball you idiot! Look down! Hi!
Tucker looked down as a sort of gel inside the crystal ball turned around to look at him.
Tucker: Morpha, is that you?
Morpha: No one's called me that since high school, it's Madame Superfly, the world's greatest fortune-telling magical gel lady now…
Tucker: Um, well, Madame Superfly, the world's greatest fortune-telling magical gel lady now, could you help-
Morpha: No, no, it's Madame Superfly, the world's greatest fortune-telling magical gel lady!
Tucker: That's what I said!
Morpha: No, you said, Madame Superfly, the world's greatest fortune-telling magical gel lady now…
Tucker: What's the difference?
Morpha: There's no, now at the end of my name!
Tucker: Ohhhh… Well I'm just gonna call ya Drippy, how's that, Drippy?
Morpha: I am the boss of this amusement park; you will not call me Drippy!
Tucker: Okay, okay, well what should I call you?
Morpha: Madame Superfly, the world-
Tucker: I'm not calling you that, pick something shorter!
Morpha: Well, I don't know, what could you call me?
Tucker: Drip-
Morpha: NOT DRIPPY!
Tucker: Well, I don't know… Any ideas baby?
Ivana: How about Gooey?
Tucker: I LIKE IT!
Morpha: (sighs) Fine, I don't care anyway…
Tucker: Aww, what's wrong, Gooey?
Morpha: Business is down, no one's getting in to do anything, there's a gang of ruffians outside the gate every morning that scares everyone away… Woe is me! Woe is Madame Superfly, the world's greatest fortune-telling magical gel lady…
Tucker: I thought we were going with Gooey?
Morpha: Whatever! Will you help me out?
Tucker: Hmmm… Defeating a group of miscreants to allow better business at a failing amusement park that sells SPECTACULAR corndogs… Should we do it?
Iron Knuckle: Should we?
Tucker: Of course we'll do it! Or my name isn't Raphael De Montegruello!!!
Ivana: But it's not…
Tucker: It's not? Damn… Oh well, let's do it anyway…
Navi: But it's two in the afternoon, we'll have to stay here all night!
Tucker: Oh no! All night in an amusement park! What ever shall we do? It'll be so boring!
Iron Knuckle: No it won't we'll be in an amusement park…
Tucker: I know knuckle buckle, I was being sarcastic!
Iron Knuckle: Ohhh…
Tucker: There ya go, mississippi, yer getting' it now! Now, I call first go on the whack-a-Tingle!
Morpha: Just be back by seven, that's when we open tomorrow morning!
So, all night, Tucker, Ivana, and all the Iron Knuckles and Darknuts had crazy fun and shenanigans all over the park until it was finally closing time and everyone else left. Tucker was walking past the bombchu booth and the shoot an apple off of Tingle's head with a rocket launcher booth, he noticed a glowing pink light, so he walked over to investigate. As he rounded a corner by the Ingo's Wild Ride roller coaster, he saw Ivana standing next to a boat.
Tucker: Hey baby, what's up, I've been looking for ya!
Ivana: I found this a while ago, wanna give it a go?
Tucker: This isn't a spinning ride is it, those make me hella-nauseous!
Ivana: No, silly, it's the tunnel of love!
Tucker: Ohhh, yeah, sure I'll give it a go with ya!
Ivana: Yay! Let's go!
Tucker jumped into the boat and offered Ivana his hand to help her into the boat. But as she stepped in, the boat rocked and she fell and landed in tucker's lap.
Tucker: Oh-ho, it's gonna be THAT kind of ride, eh'?
Ivana: Heeheehee… I have a feeling that this is gonna need to be renamed…
Tucker: To what, baby?
Ivana: The tunnel of makin' love!
Tucker: HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Slam-dunk, baby! Let's get this show on the road!
Tucker and Ivana kissed as their boat went into the tunnel and the doors closed behind them and romantic music started to play. Meanwhile, on the other side of the park, Morpha was talking to someone at the fortune-teller's booth.
Morpha: As we agreed, I've trapped them all in the park; they're all at your mercy!
Figure: Very good…
Morpha: Now, your half of the agreement, release me!
Figure: Very well, I release you!
The figure smashed the crystal ball and Morpha rolled out and slithered away. The figure turned around and unsheathed its sword, which glowed with a bright golden light. As the figure walked forward, five other figures caught up to him.
Fig1: Master, what are your orders?
Figure: You all have your targets, Dark Link, kill your double…
Dark Link: Yeah! I'm off, baby!
Figure: Zant, kill the zora…
Zant: Excellent…
Figure: Gomess and Garo master, destroy those traitorous Iron Knuckles and Darknuts…
Gomess: Sure… I mean, yes sir…
Garo master: Yes! I will kill them! Ki-YAIIII!!!!
Fig1: What about me, master?
Figure: Azreal, go eliminate that meddlesome fairy…
Azreal: You got it!
Figure: Tucker, you're mine!
The six figures split up and Gomess and the Garo master found a few straggling Darknuts first.
As Link and Navi walked away from the snack bar, they saw the Darknuts getting attacked and ran over to help. The Garo master was leaping around yelling random gibberish, and not really doing anything, but Gomess' giant scythe was proving too much for the Darknuts.
Darknut: Regroup, we'll give him our secret attack!
Other Darknuts: RIGHT!
Gomess: Oh, please, what could you possibly do to me?
Darknut: This… Secret Darknut Attack!
All the Darknuts shed their armor and they all began to glow red. In a flash of energy, all the Darknuts formed together and they lunged at Gomess and kicked his scythe away. The giant Darknut tried to pick Gomess up, but all the bats around him was making it impossible.
Navi: Link, if you shoot him with a light arrow, the Darknuts can kill him!
Link: How do you know that? Oh, whatever, here goes!
Link fired a light arrow, but as it was just about to hit Gomess, Dark Link jumped in and caught the arrow and broke it in half. Link readied another arrow and fired but Dark Link deflected it and Gomess summoned thousands of bats and grew to the same size as the Darknuts.
Navi: What do we do?
Link: I don't know, yer the one that always makes the plans!
Dark Link: There's no plan that can defeat me! HAHAHA!!!
Navi: We're gonna have to beat Dark Link first, get ready, let's go!
Link charged at Dark Link and they started fighting, at this time, the Iron Knuckles had already beaten the hell out of the Garo master, who hadn't done anything but jump around. But Link was having trouble with Dark Link, who was matching him and then charging in faster. At this time, tucker and Ivana had left the tunnel of love and had wandered into the center of the stage where the musical performances took place.
Zant: Well, well, look what we've got here!
Tucker: Yes, hello again, Mr. Pembrooke…
Zant: No, I'm Zant!
Tucker: Drippy?
Zant: NO! ZANT!
Tucker: Is it Zant?
Zant: AHH- Oh, yeah, it is…
Tucker: What do you want, homo?
Zant: I'm here to kill that annoying girlfriend of yours!
Tucker: Who?
Zant: The zora!
Tucker: I don't have an annoying zora girlfriend…
Zant: Then what's SHE doing here?
Tucker: Ivana? You dare call her a name? Them's fightin' words 'round here, punk!
Zant: Oh, yeah?
Tucker: YEAH!
Zant: Well, bring the shizzle!
Tucker: I'll trizzle the shizzle all over the hizzle!
Zant: Well, then do it!
Tucker: I don't know how…
Zant: Damn yer dumb!
Tucker: Hey, hey, there's no need for such language! There's a lady present!
Zant: I don't care!
Tucker: Well, you will in a minute!
Zant: No I won't!
Tucker: Yes you will!
Zant: Nuh-uh!
Tucker: Uh-huh!
Zant: MEHH!!!!
Tucker: BLEHH!!!!!
…
Zant: What are we doing?
Tucker: I don't know… Let's just fight…
Zant: Okay-
Voice: NO!
Zant: Oh, right…
Figure: You're mine, hero!
Tucker: Morgan Freeman?
Figure: NO! It is I, GANONDORF!!!! (trumpet fanfare)
Ganondorf: What was that?
Tucker: Oh, I added that, it'll happen every time you say yer name, how do you like it?
Ganondorf: Oh, it's lovely! Now, let's fight!
Tucker: Now, those are fightin' words!
Ganondorf: Will you knock off the shtick and just fight me?
Tucker: Okay, okay, villains these days, honestly…
Ganondorf: YAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Ganondorf rushed at tucker with his sword, but tucker back-flipped and landed on Ganondorf's back. Ganon- (I'm just gonna type Ganon now, it's too much of a pain in the ass to type Ganondorf all the time… Thanks for putting up with my laziness!) Anyway… Ganon suplexed Tucker, and smashed him into the ground. Ganon rolled over but tucker was nowhere to be found. Ganon looked around and couldn't find tucker at all.
Ganon: Come out and fight, coward!
Ganon looked over at a porta-pottey as tucker walked out.
Tucker: What? I had to go!
Ganon: Couldn't you wait until the fight is over?
Tucker: I thought you were gonna kill me, how could I go to the bathroom if you killed me?
Ganon: You and your logic! DIE!!!
Ganon lunged at Tucker and grabbed him by the throat and slammed him into a wall. Tucker coughed up a bit of blood and Ganon sheathed his sword and punched tucker in the face repeatedly.
Ganon: HAHAHA!!! DIE! DIE! DIE!
Ganon stopped punching tucker, his gauntlet covered in blood, and looked up at tucker, who was smiling at him, blood running out of his nose and his forehead.
Tucker: Are you done?
Ganon: WHAT?!
Tucker: My turn… GAMESHARK!!!! ZELDA CHEAT NUMBER 0!!! GOD MODE!!!
Tucker erupted with a golden light and Ganon was thrown back about twenty feet where he crashed into a hotdog cart. Ganon tried to stand up, but he looked up as tucker appeared over him and kicked him in the face. Ganon rolled another few feet and rolled backwards onto his feet.
Ganon: Is that all you've got?!
Tucker: Oh, not at all, Ganondorf…
Tucker snapped his fingers and "Shut me up" by: "Mindless Self Indulgence" started playing over all the loudspeakers.
Ganon: What is this?
Tucker: Mood music, ready to start the fight?
Ganon: YES!!! YAHHHH!!!!!
Ganon lunged again- (wow, he likes to lunge, doesn't he?) and tucker disappeared and reappeared behind Ganon and kicked him into the air. Tucker jumped above him and landed on Ganon's back. Tucker pinned Ganon's arms behind his back and held Ganon's neck back as they rocketed back toward the ground. Everyone stopped fighting for a second as they all looked up to see Tucker and Ganon flying toward the ground. And with a sickening crunch, Tucker crashed Ganon into the ground, making a huge crater.
Tucker: First floor, wussy villains, hot zora girls, and cotton candy, watch for the closing doors… Bing… HAHAHAHA!!!!
Zant: What the hell are you?
Tucker: I'm married!
Navi: I don't think he set you up for that "Nothing to lose" reference…
Tucker: Don't stifle my creativity, Navi! Now, who else wants some?
All the remaining villains rushed Tucker together. Tucker looked around slowly, smiled evilly, and pointed his finger at Gomess…
Tucker: Everyone's gonna love this…
Gomess raised his scythe and prepared to cut off tucker's head.
Tucker: FINGERBANG!!!!!
Tucker fired a beam of energy out of his finger, which struck Gomess' green crystal heart, and shattered it, destroying Gomess. At that time, Dark Link was on him, but Link jumped in and blocked Dark Link's sword from hitting Tucker's back.
Tucker: Thanks for the assist!
Link: I've got yer back!
Zant: TUCKER!!!!
Tucker looked over at Zant, who had Ivana, unconscious over his shoulder.
Zant: Come and get me! If you can!
Tucker's energy changed color and tucker began to glow dark red and black.
Link: Don't go, it's a trap!
Tucker: Of course it is… But for who?
Tucker shot into the air and flew after Zant, who has just about reached the Goron rolling roller coaster. Zant turned to see Tucker right on his tail, so he stopped, landed on a tent and put a sword to Ivana's throat.
Tucker: You don't want to do that…
Zant: Yeah, yeah, yer real threatening… If you move I'll kill her!
Tucker snapped his fingers again and "Full Moon" by: "Sonatica Artica" started playing.
Zant: Now what?
Tucker: If you drop her right now, I'LL LET YOU RUN BEFORE I KILL YOU!!!!!!!
Zant flinched, but clung tightly to Ivana. Tucker tensed up and Zant slid a foot out to get ready to run. Tucker could feel the muscles in Zant's forearm and wrist preparing to slice Ivana's throat, so in a split second Tucker vanished and reappeared in front of Zant. Zant sliced but Tucker grabbed Zant's wrist and crushed it and pulled, ripping Zant's entire arm off in the process.
Zant: AHHHH!!!!!! MY ARM!!!!!!!!!
Ivana dropped onto the tent and Tucker knocked Zant's helmet off and picked him up by the throat. Zant looked, completely horrified, as tucker's eyes began to glow red as Tucker raised Zant's own blade to his throat.
Zant: No… Please, spare me…
Tucker: WHAT ABOUT IVANA? WOULD YOU OF SPARED HER? HOW MANY OF YOU VILLAINS DO I HAVE TO KILL BEFORE YOU LEARN THAT HOSTAGES NEVER WORK IN WORLD CONQUEST!!!!
Zant: What?
Tucker: Here's a tip for the next life… If you want to take over the world, you have to do it right, no hostages, no diabolical plans, and no mass killings… If you want to control the world, you have to be stronger than everyone else, keep the fear of their inevitable death in them, hold the world hostage from itself. If you have the biggest stick, no one can say a single word. That's what I've done here; I've single-handedly halted your plot simply by being stronger than all of you… And if none of you can stop me now, how would the world stop me? Do you understand?
Zant: Yes… Thank you…
Tucker: Now die…
Tucker swung the blade and severed Zant's head completely off his neck. Tucker threw the blade away and returned to normal. Tucker picked up Ivana and slid off the tent. As he landed, Link, the Darknuts and Iron Knuckles were gathered around him.
Tucker: Are you all okay?
Darknut: We're all good, how about you though, what happened back there? You were going crazy with power!
Tucker: Don't worry about it, but at least we've managed to stop all these would-be world conquerors…
Link: Actually, there's something wrong with your story there…
Tucker: What do you mean?
Link: You didn't kill Ganon… That was Phantom Ganon; he disappeared shortly after you flew off after Zant…
Tucker: How could I have missed that- Wait…
Link: What?
Tucker: Link, where's Navi?
Link: Navi? Where is Navi?
Tucker: Navi?
Link: Where are you?