I know there's a plan for everyone, but sometimes I don't understand what the message is, or what the point is. Maybe we're not supposed to understand. Maybe we just have to take the course that we think is right for us and hope that someone comes along who sees the bigger picture.
I've always struggled knowing what to do with my life, where I wanted it to go. All I did know, all that I was sure of, was that I loved to sing. Not pop, rnb or even hip-hop. It was jazz. Jazz and swing.
My Mum had always been a music buff, old jazz standards from the 40's being her first love. I wasn't raised on the music of Michael Jackson, Queen or Whitney like most people my age. I was brought up with Louis Armstong, Sarah Vaughn, Duke Ellington and my namesake Billie Holliday. It was this style that I lived on, that I fed on. It was my passion.
Growing up in a small town in the middle of England I struggled to find my place, my place in the world. As I got older and adulthood loomed I started to feel trapped. I didn't know what I wanted or where I wanted to go. I just knew that, that wasn't it. Being there, living there wasn't what was meant for me.
Like for most people if you blink long enough life begins to pass you by. It feels like seconds have passed, but in reality it could be years. When I was 23 I met him, my first and only serious boyfriend. His name was James and he totally swept me off my feet. He treated me like a princess, like I was his everything. I got caught up in him, in the things he'd say, in the things he'd do. I thought he was the one, that he was my purpose, my future.
For the first year everything was great, perfect in fact. After that though, things started to change. We'd go weeks without talking, never mind seeing each other. When we did finally meet it was fraught with arguments and tears. I wasn't happy, he wasn't happy.
One night, the night it ended, he came to my flat, complete with a bunch of roses and a forced smile on his face. He'd said it was to surprise me, and surprise me he did.
You see, that same night I'd planned to meet some girlfriends in town. We were going to go to a few bars, maybe a club or two. I needed a pick me up. I'd got all dolled up, did my hair, my makeup. I even brought a new dress.
When I opened the door and greeted him dressed to the nines, clearly not missing him at all, all he could see was red. He was convinced that I was seeing another guy and would not listen to anything I had to say. It was like something clicked in his head and he wouldn't be happy until I'd been punished.
The unimaginable pain I felt when my jaw hit the hall cabinet after he hit me was unlike anything I could ever explain. The subsequent punches and blows that came after only adding to that. He didn't apologise, showed no remorse. He just dusted himself off. Dusted himself off and left.
Laying on the carpet, blood caked in my hair, and bones broken throughout my body all I wanted to do was give up. I just wanted it all to stop.
Vision blurred and ears ringing, it could have easily ended right there. But then, through the darkness and the fog I could hear a sound, beautiful music. I'd plugged my iPod in whilst I was getting ready, the songs blaring through the house as the horror occurred. As I listened in, trying to decipher the tune I was greeted by the vocal stylings of the one and only Ella Fitzgerald. She was singing Cheek to Cheek. A song about being so in love with someone, that just dancing with them melts away all your troubles, make you feel as if you're in heaven.
Wanting to stay awake long enough for someone to find me, I concentrated on the lyrics, put all of my effort into focusing on them rather than what had just happened and how horrible I felt. It was then, right in that moment, as Ella's silky and buttery voice soothed over me, that I decided I was worth more than this. My life was meant for something, for someone. I wanted to feel a love like Ella feels in that song. A love so great that just a simple action like cheeks touching can be total bliss. That's what I had to fight for, what I had to live for.
It was jazz that saved me. Jazz that healed me, and jazz that ultimately led me to where it would all change. It led me to L.A.