A/N: What Up, Fic World? It's been a long and wild road for me these past few months. The grieving process is horrible, and it truly never does end. I send love and light to anyone who is dealing with the loss of loved one.
DISCLAIMER: These characters are not mine. If they were, I wouldn't have destroyed them. ::clears throat:: I mean, um, here! Look! I wrote a story!
Inhale.She raised one arm and leaned back, curling her spine into an arch and letting her body relax.
Exhale. She straightened out her right arm and left leg, and twisted until she was looking down at her mat.
Inhale. She thought, momentarily, that this was stupid. The fight she had with him was stupid, and trying to 'let it go' in a 4 AM yoga class was fucking stupid.
Exhale. Her tension seemed to fade with her expelled breath, the reason she was angry in the first place now becoming only a memory.
Inhale. She let her body fall gently to the mat, her arms at her sides, her head tucked and back curled.
Exhale. She flattened out and rolled onto her back, staying still, silent, focusing on nothing but the sound of the collective breaths in the room and the feeling of heart calmly beating in her chest. She thought how easy it would be to fall asleep, to let the state of pure relaxation take hold and drag her under.
The soft bell let out a weak 'ding,' telling her, and the rest of the class, that time was up, and it was time to face the reality of the day and take in new stressors that would send them hurling back to class the next day. She sighed, closing her eyes, and begrudgingly rolled up her mat. She shoved it under her arm and slipped into her open-backed sneakers before walking without so much as making eye contact with anyone else in the stuffy gym.
Her limbs felt like pudding-filled balloons, squishy and heavy, but limber. She walked briskly with intent, only stopping to buy two cups of New York City street-cart coffee. She'd hoped she'd make it to work before it got too cold, knowing that the last thing she needed was to give her partner a brand new reason to be a dick.
She was saved from worry, though, when she spotted him waiting for her at the bottom of the steps, looking almost apologetic. Wordlessly, she handed him one cup of coffee, bringing the other to her lips. They stared at each other, watching lips lick up caffeinated droplets, watching puffs of hot breath swirl in fog as they hit the cold morning air.
"You're early," she said, finally breaking the tense silence. "Everything okay?"
He nodded, taking another sip of his coffee. "Fine," he almost barked. "Just, uh, hoping to catch you before you…" he cleared his throat. "I know you always take a shower after your Pilates class or whatever it is."
"Yoga," she said, rolling her eyes slightly. "Pilates is Fridays." She knew he knew that. She knew that he had memorized her schedule, down to the minute. He knew which days were set aside for waxings and haircuts, manicures and mechanic appointments for the car she has but never drives. He knew exactly where she was, and what she was doing, and instead of making her anxious or annoyed, it made her feel so much safer.
He couldn't help but smile a bit. He knew she knew that he knew that. "Yeah, well, whatever. I wanted to get here before you, uh, got busy."
She sipped her coffee and gave him a narrow eyed look. "Okay, well, tell me why, because I smell like sweat and desperation."
He shook his head. "You smell amazing," he said without thinking. "Look," he paused to scratch his eyebrow and shrug at her. "Last night…I said some things I…"
"You never mean it," she interrupted. "That's the problem, Elliot," she said, shaking her head at him. "You say things that…and if you knew how much they…because I…" she grunted in frustration, losing composure and train of thought, unable to convince herself to finish a sentence and finally tell him what needed to be said. "Whatever. It's okay. It's fine." She sighed and gave him a softer look. "We're fine." She took a step up, heading into the building, but he grabbed her hand and pulled her back, hard, yanking her against him. "What the hell…"
"I did mean it," he told her, looking into her eyes. He could feel his heart pounding against his chest, and he wondered if she could feel it, too, since she was pressed so tightly to him. "I meant every word. I wasn't just saying it to…" he stopped, something in her eyes singing, a siren song luring him into her.
The kiss was soft, sweet, but not quick, not hesitant. Her lips tingled as soon as they felt the pressure of his, the taste of coffee and toothpaste lingering on them. The kiss deepened, she opened to him, danced with him, and it was over too fast. Her eyes were still closed when she felt him pull back, away, and she had to remind herself to breathe.
He bit his lip, unsure, waiting for a reaction. "Say something," he pleaded, unable to stand the nerve wracking silence any longer. "Liv, come on, if I'm jumping off the Empire State Building, here, I need to know if I'm doing it without a net."
Inhale. She looked at him. His face was pale, his eyes bright blue and beseeching, and his chest rising and falling far too fast with his panicked breathing.
Exhale. The words formed on her tongue, which stung with the memory of his kiss, and before she could talk herself out of it or think it through, she said, "No." She shook her head. "No, um, you're…you're…" The well placed words had been swallowed after all, and she did the only thing that made sense to her. She gave him another kiss, a slower one, her coffee falling out of her hand as she raised it to his face and cupped it tenderly. She pulled back, her eyes slowly fluttering open, and she smiled when she saw the goofily bright grin on his face.
"So we're on the same page, here?" he asked, his fingers lacing with hers as he made a silent promise to buy her another cup of coffee.
She nodded and she ignored the nagging voice in her head that told her how very wrong the choice was. "El, last night, when you told me it was over with…"
"Kathy," Elliot said, so Olivia didn't have to.
She nodded. "I thought it was just like all the times before, we'd spend the night together, make each other forget, and then forget about each other when the sun came up. But when you…I'm sorry, I got so mad at you when you told me…"
"I love you," he said, again spitting out the hard words to save her from the deed. "I know, uh, I know you didn't believe me. You never believe me when I try to tell you how I feel, and you keep pushing me back, keeping me just far enough away…but I told you last night, this time, it's really over, and I don't want to play anymore of these games with you. I don't want to be an option when things go south, or a warm body when we can't stand the cold. What I want with you…what you can't seem to believe I want with you, Liv, is a life." He brushed her hair, still damp with sweat, out of her eyes. "A life we both deserve, and one I want to start living right, the fuck, now, because we have wasted so much damned time pretending this never meant anything, pretending my heart doesn't shatter into a million pieces when you go out on dates, pretending my family is a Norman Rockwell painting when it's more like Jackson Pollack. I mean, fuck, Liv, I have slept with you more in the past month than I have with my wife in the last three years combined, and my heart never gets out of the fucking bed, do you understand that?"
She nodded. "That's why I got so mad at you, El. I couldn't take it, hearing you say things like that, knowing you'd be going home to her eventually, and my heart would…well, it would be with you. Broken." She shrugged and she laughed as she tried not to cry. "All morning, I was replaying things over and over, and it hit me, in the last few minutes of my yoga class, that you were serious." She bit her lip. "I ran here…with coffee..hoping that you'd be on your way a little early, and that I could tell you…I believe you, El. And if you're sure about this, then I'm all in. Whatever we have to face, now, I'm…I'm not going anywhere, because I want this. I want you. You…like I said, my heart is always with you."
He kissed her again, pulling her closer. "God, Liv. My heart…is with you…and when I'm not with you, I can't feel anything, I can't think, and I can't breathe."
She brushed the pad of her thumb over his lips and smiled at him, her eyes welling with tears, her heart filling with things she had been keeping it from feeling for months. No. For years. "I'm right here," she whispered. "So, please, baby," inhale. Exhale, "Just breathe."
A/N: There's a follow-up to this, sort of. Takes place a while down the road. Not sure if you want it, or not. Let me know!