Trip to Brisco

I own no part of Gunsmoke

The night grew cold, Dodge stetted down for the night. The only one on the street was Matt Dillon, making his rounds. Festus rolled into town yelling at the top of his lungs. "Where is Doc?... I need Doc... It is Miss Kitty, she needs Doc.."

Matt came running: "Festus, what wrong? What Happened to Kitty?"

The wagon pulled up in front of Doc's office. Festus was still yelling for the Doc as Matt got into the wagon. Doc came running down the stairs. Festus: "She is awful sick, Doc."

Doc: "Let me in there." Climbing in the wagon he notes a strong smell of whiskey.

Doc: "How much has she had to drink?"

Kitty: "I'm not drunk Doc, I spilled it."

Doc: "Where does it hurt honey?"

Cowboys and town folk now surrounded the wagon.

Kitty: "I hurt everywhere. Get me out of the street."

Doc: "Take her up to my office."

Matt had to hold his breath as he carried her up the stairs. She stunk bad. There was a strong smell of bad whiskey, vomit, poop, dried blood, dead animal, buffalo hides, sweat, and french perfume. After depositing her onto Doc's table, he retreated outside for some fresh air.

Matt saw Festus sweeping maggots out of the wagon, then stomping on them.

Matt: "What happened to her?"

Festus: "I think she had better tell you that her own self."

Now Festus, who was never one to keep silent about anything, wandered off down the street shaking his head. "I ain't never going to take a shemale along anywhere again. Never in my born days have I seen the like."

Matt returned to Doc's office. Doc was rolling up Kitty's dress. He handed it to Matt. "Take this out and burn it." he said as he removed a large pot of hot water from the stove.

"This is a really expensive dress. Maybe it can be washed?" Matt said holding his nose. Kitty, shaking under a sheet: "Burn it. I don't ever want to see it again."

Matt: "Is she going it be alright? What is wrong?"

Doc: "I do not know yet. I am going to need some time alone with her. I do not think it is life threatening."

It was about two in the morning when Doc came out of his office. Matt came rushing over. "She is fine. I need a drink." Doc said as he rushed over to the Long Branch. Festus flowed them in.

Matt: "Will someone tell me what is going on?"

Doc: "I cannot say. She is going to be fine. I have given her something to help her sleep."

Festus: "That sure is good to hear. I can't tell you how scared I was."

Matt: "What happened?"

Doc: "You tell it. She is my patient."

Festus: "She might get awful Mad at me talking out of school."

Doc: "She thinks you are some kind of hero. I tried to tell her you got her into that mess in the first place. She would not stand for it, said you saved her."

Matt was getting down right mad. "What happened!"

Their conversation got the attention of the men in the Long Branch. Even Sam stopped pouring drinks and moved to their side of the bar.

Festus: "Well Miss Kitty asked me If she could go along with me to Brisco. She had to get a shipment of supplies for the Long Branch. She almost took my breath clean away when I saw her come down those stairs wearing that green dress with all those ruffles and lace, you know the one." Matt nods. Festus continued: "We were having a real good time singing and joking. It got hot. Kitty turned white, but her cheeks turned bright red. She had that look woman get you know when she's aaaaa."

Matt: "It is not her time for another week."

Doc: "Sometimes when it gets real hot it can bring it on."

Festus: "Well she had me stop a few times so she could go into the woods. She was not looking good holding her side and being so pale. Even through it was out of our way, I took her to the weigh station thinking a drink might help. When we got there, she gave me her flask and asked where the outhouse for women was. They only had one privy. It was about 150 feet from the station, but you could smell that thing from the porch. I watched her as she headed for it, so no one would bother her. This thing was 4 foot by 3 foot, made out of oak that was weathered. She was wearing that large dress the door was about 18 inches and the dress would not fit. She bunched it up in the back and squished it in through the door. Once she got in there, she could not get turned around cause the dress took up the whole thing. Well after some time, she got turned around. The dress was holding the door open and she finally closed the door on the dress. I headed in to get us some whiskey. Just as I was finishing my drink. I heard her screaming. I went running to the outhouse. This thing was made for men with large back it seemed that her back side was smaller than the hole. She fell in. Well, only part way. My guess is the dress held her up. Anyway, she was stuck in the hole. Well, I did not know what to do. Those men from the station were standing around laughing and Miss Kitty was getting madder by the second. I opened the door and all I could see was her petticoat and that large dress. It took me a while to find her as I was trying not to look, don't you see." Festus looked embarrassed and said, " Matthew, I did not mean anything improper. I was feeling around with my eyes closed. Next thing I know, she hit me and sent me clear out the door."

The bar erupted in laughter. Matt shifted his weight. His eyes grew narrow.

Doc smiled. "So that's how you got that black eye."

Festus: "Well no Doc, that was not it at all."

Doc tilted his hat, rubbed his mustache, winked at Matt and said: "I am going to regret this, but how did you get her out?"

Festus: "Well I was coming to that if you just let me finish. Some of the other fellers and me tried to pull her out. By then she had sunk down so far there was no way. That's when we decided to knock the

outhouse over and push her out."

Matt: "You knocked the outhouse over with Kitty in it?"

Festus: "Well yeah. It was the only thing we could do. Don't you see? We decided we had to knock it over frontward's, because if we knocked it over backwards she would still be stuck. Frontward's she would roll out."

Doc: " that makes sense. No, No what did I just say? Sam, I need a drink if I am going to make it through this."

Sam was leaning on his elbow staring at Festus. Sam: " Hey everyone, get your drinks now. I am not going to miss this story."

Festus: "Well Sam, I could tell it better if I was not so dry." Every man in the joint offered to buy Festus a drink That is everyone but Matt, who was trying to picture his Kitty sitting in an out house waiting on these men to rescue her.

Sam poured Festus a drink and everyone in the place watched as Festus downed it.

Doc: "Come on, get on with it. I have to go check on my patient soon."

Festus: "Well like I said, we decided to knock the outhouse over frontward's so she would roll out. We knocked it over and she did not roll out. The thing was over the hole in the back,so we turned it and slid it around. The out house fell apart and came crashing down on her. The seat board cracked, pinching her backside. Well Mathew, I did not have any choice. I pushed her out. But I did not look. Honest I did not see anything."

The men from the bar were now whooping and hollering at the thought of Festus' hands being on Kitty's bare behind. "When she got free, she was madder than a wet hornet and went running off toward the wagon. Then I noticed her drawers were around her ankles. She kicked them off. I was not sure what to do. I didn't want to leave them there, even though they were kind of soiled. I gathered them up and put them in the wagon."

Doc: "It was the only thing you could do." Matt agreed.

Doc: "So how you get that black eye?"

Festus: "I am coming to that."

Doc: "You mean there is more to this story?"

Festus: "Yeah, I ain't told you the half of it."

Doc: "Sam I need another drink."

After every man in the bar had another drink, Festus continued.

Festus: "I told her we should turn back, but she said the Long Branch needed the supplies. So we went on. Miss Kitty could not sit still. After a while she admitted she had a splinter in her back side. Those weatherized oak splinters could be dangerous. She could not reach it."

Matt: "Are you telling me that you?.."

Doc: "Weathered oak splinters from a privy could be very dangerous, and should be removed as soon as possible."

Festus: "Like I said, she could not sit on the buck board. Well we decide she should lay down in the back of the wagon, on my uncured buffalo hides, until we got to a town where we could get her some help."

Matt was thinking, No wonder she smelled so bad. Buffalo hides that were uncured!

"She was looking none too good. We came to this abandoned farm house. They had a outhouse. Miss Kitty said she needed to use it. I checked it and did not see anything wrong with it except some traps hanging from the roof. At least it didn't smell as bad as the one at the station, and it had a small hole.

She was in there quite a while. I figured she was having trouble doing her business. Miss Kitty came running out of that thing yelling at the top of her lungs. Seems their was a hornet nest between those traps. It fell on her, I had to soak her down with well water to get those things off her. Then she took to shivering, had belly cramping, and lost her lunch. She had bites all over her, so I rolled her in the pig pen."

Matt raised his eye brows: "You rolled her in the pig pen?"

Doc:"Why in tar nation you do that?"

Festus: "To kill the sting poison. There's nothing better for bee stings than mud. There weren't no creek around, it was the only mud I could find."

Doc: "Yeah, that would draw as the mud dries. Sam I need another drink." After a cowboy bought the next round.

Doc asked. "So how did you get that black eye?"

Festus: "I am coming to that."