Chapter One - Nightimes
Breathe
Everything will be okay
Just breathe
I know its stupid but those words i say silently to myself help. Its the first day back at Hogwarts and i feel like a train hit me. I havent been feeling well for a while. Fuck it. Malfoys dont get ill and in the event that they do they dont moan about it. I will sleep it off. My head can no longer bear the light or noise of the great hall, Crabbe and Goyle wont notice me leave, fat fuckers too busy shoving food down there throats. Me? I cant bring myself to eat a thing. It will just come straight back up so i slowly get up and walk out of the great hall.
I cant walk for very long before i start to feel dizzy, i need to sit down on one of the stairs. I tell myself to breathe. I finally pick myself up and i get to the common room.
I smile as i hit my bed. I need some sleep.I'll be better in the morning Thats what i tell myself. Thats what ive told myself everynight for the last fornight. But now that im back at school things will be better. I cant let a stupid illness get in the way of my studies. I cant. I fall asleep. I sleep for about 5 hours when i wake up cause im freezing. I get a shiver up my spine. I check the time, 4.50am. I lie there with my covers wrapped around so cold. I get goosebumbs all over my body. Im irritated that ive woken up. This happens often, some nights its waking up to find im so hot i can hardly breathe. I know that i wont get back to sleep. I will just lie there. And thats where the trouble starts
My mind starts to wander. It forever asks questions. Those questions drive me mad but i always answer them
What is wrong with you?
Its probably just a cold.
What if its not?
It is. It will go away soon.
What if it doesnt?
It will.
What if it gets worse?
I ignore that last question. Im too weak to answer it. The voice asking questions has been taken over by someone playing the drums. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. I lie there in the darkness. It will be light outside soon. I force myself to get up. It takes me about 10 minutes. I slowly walk into the bathroom and turn on the taps. A nice warm path will take the pain away. I sit on the edge of the tub as i watch it fill. I quickly look in the mirror. Im still in Hogwarts standards good looking. My hair is still the lightest shade of blonde and it loosely hangs over my forehead. I havent been eating and it shows. My jawline is sharper but my body isnt skinny. Im muscular and i am most definetly physically attractive. The bath is filled and it feels almost euphoric as i get in. Thats all i needed. I let the warmth of the water surround me. I will be okay.
I lie in the bath for about three quarters of an hour. I force myself out and dry myself off. Still admiring my body. When i catch a glipse of it. Another fucking bruise. This one was on the side of my thigh and was big, purple and ugly. Fuck sake. The thing was i didnt even know how id got it. They would just appear. I had one on my torso although it was fading it was still fucking ugly. I bumped my arm last week and i didnt feel a thing and i ended up with a big swollen brusie. I guess im just one of those people who bruise like a peach. Nothing to worry about. I tell myself.
So its about quarter to seven and everyones waking up. Still feeling slightly weak i get dressed. I just carry on as normal. I gel my hair the same way. I look the same as i did before i got this whatever the fuck it is. I decide that i will not let this...cold get me down. Im a Malfoy. Malfoys are not weak.
Slowly i head to the great hall. Today i will be better. Today i will study. It will all be okay.