A/N: GUYS! The feedback I've gotten for the story I've posted was amazing, so I'll definitely post the rest of them here too. Every single review made me so happy! Thank you all so much for taking the time. :)
Title comes from the song Choke by OneRepublic, and I recommend listening it while reading, because I basically had it on repeat while I wrote it.
She never thought of herself as one of those girls who pine after a guy. But now, she finds herself feeling down for the better part of the day. It does not come in an excruciating wave of pain, where she would crumble on the floor, because of her heartache.
No.
But she fails to smile at things she used to smile at, and not even a cup of fresh coffee can make her day seem brighter. She snaps at people who have done absolutely nothing to her. There really is no reason for it, other than calling it quits with Jay that day in the locker room.
She's not a crier. Despite of being very aware of the fact that she does not belong in the group of women who cry over men, she tries crying. But even the tears betray her, by refusing to come and give her the outlet of pain she desperately craves.
She has gone through break-ups before, and nobody can say she didn't experience her fair share of pain in life. But what she refuses to show the world, and only admits to herself, is that she has never felt like this before.
It has only been a couple of days. Even though Nadia does everything to make sure she doesn't feel lonely, Erin feels more alone than ever.
The first wave of real pain hits her when she opens her photo gallery by mistake one evening. After hours of tossing and turning, she reaches for her phone and tries to take her mind off of the fact that her bed feels so empty. She's trying to open the reading app, but instead she clicks on the Gallery, and all of the sudden, there is a selfie they took. Both look ridiculously happy in it.
The memory hits her so hard she nearly chokes on it.
"You're doing it wrong," she laughs and he rolls his eyes at her.
"Are you suggesting I don't know how to selfie? I excel at it, I'll have you know."
"Yeah, that's why only I'm in the picture!"
"What if I wanted only you to be in the picture?" He asks, his eyebrows rising suggestively. She settles for another eyeroll and a laugh. "Did you?"
He shakes his head and extends his arm with the phone again. "Let's try again," he murmurs. His face so close to hers she can feel him breathing. He is possibly the most beautiful thing she has ever seen. Her heart clenches, digging its claws into her, and she knows it's too late for regret. She has already fallen hard.
"Look happy," he says, even though he doesn't need to. She is already smiling at the camera. She doesn't look happy. She is happy.
Against her better judgement, she continues swiping.
She finds a picture Nadia took one evening when they went out for pizza. Erin didn't know about the picture until later when Nadia texted her with it. She could never bring herself to delete it. They look so silly in it; she is about to bite into a piece of pizza, and Jay is looking at her with a goofy smile. It's such a candid photo it almost brings tears to her eyes. Almost. But not quite.
She finds more. Jay and her in the 300, when they were bored on a stakeout and decided to use snapchat filters. He made her download it and make a profile, because he was insistent on trying the dog filter. There is a group picture of them at Molly's−his arm is wrapped around her, almost possessively, and she's leaning into him, more than a friend ever would. There is a picture of him. The one he doesn't know about, because she took it in secret. She thought he looked too adorable to miss the opportunity. He's smiling at something and looking slightly away from the camera, talking to Will, who is also visible in the background. There is a video of him doing a stupid trick with a pen. She can hear her own laughter in the background when she plays it. She misses the way he always made her laugh.
She throws the phone away and then finally, she cries herself to sleep.
The trip to the supermarket brings out another wave of memories. She pushes the cart around without real enthusiasm. It's apples that trigger this memory. Erin remembers the time they went shopping for groceries together. He was saying something about apples, she doesn't remember what exactly, but she remembers he suddenly leaned in for a kiss. She remembers she let him, even though they were technically not supposed to be seen together in a public place, where Voight might see them. She remembers not giving a damn.
"You have to take Honeycrisp, because the other ones should not be considered apples, you know? It's a crime that they sell those, saying they are apples."
"Why?"
"Because they're disgusting. Life is too short to be eating disgusting apples," he explains as they browse the isles. Their bodies touch each other's gently from time to time as they move systematically around the store. She's the type of person who takes what she needs, and gets out of there, but he likes to take his time.
She feels his arms around her, as he hugs her from behind, while she is pushing the cart. He kisses her cheek softly, and in that moment, she feels unrestricted happiness.
It was supposed to be a quick trip. All they needed was some bread and milk (because all he ever has in his fridge is almond milk). It took them nearly an hour to get the two ingredients, plus some Honeycrisp apples.
She feels an actual pain at realizing that perhaps nobody is ever going to make her as happy as she felt then.
She leaves the cart in the middle of the store, and sends Nadia to go shopping.
"You're crazy. That girl was gorgeous! Back me up here?" Ruzek demands loudly.
"She was really hot," confirms Antonio, grinning, and their group erupts into laughter, which dies immediately, when she comes into the bullpen. She eyes them wearily and sees some discomfort. Even Jay looks down for a second, before nodding to her.
For the first time in a long time, she doesn't feel like she's a part of this unit. "Don't stop on my account," she mutters silently and buries herself in paperwork.
The only problem is that she has been here the night before, and the night before that. The usual pile of paperwork is dangerously low. She doesn't exactly hope for someone to get murdered, but if someone does happen to get murdered, she hopes they are the ones that catch the case.
"I'm telling you, they were talking about some hot girl, and then I came in, and they all shut up," she explains again, when Nadia argues. "He's met someone. I know it."
"You're being ridiculous. He is in love with you. I don't think he is going to move on after two weeks."
Granted, it has been the worst two weeks of her life, and she hates herself for it. Why can't she just move on like normal people do?
"Normal people don't move on like that," Nadia explains. "They cry, and break stuff, and eat junk food."
After a moment of deep thought Erin looks at Nadia and smirks. "Chunky monkey?"
The brunette grins in reply, and gets up to get the ice cream and two spoons.
"Hey," she murmurs when she sees him. They haven't really talked much since that conversation in the locker room. Erin can almost still feel his hand on her cheek, and she shudders lightly.
"Hey," he replied. "Are you cold?" He looks ready to shrug off his jacket to give it to her. She almost wishes he would.
"No, I'm fine. Thanks anyway."
He nods and there is that awkward silence again. The one she dreads more than anything.
"Look," she begins, "I don't want things to be awkward between you and me. We were friends before. I'm sure we can go back to that?"
"Erin, we'll always be friends," he assures her with a sad chuckle. "Nothing will ever change that. Doesn't mean it hurts any less, though."
She nods. Jay is right. It doesn't hurt less. Maybe it hurts even more, because she sees him every day. She sees him moving on, and even though he has every right to−she called it off−it's excruciating anyway.
"Want to hang out tonight? Grab a beer and watch the game?" He asks later when they're riding to a location. Her heart nearly jumps out of her chest and she had to grab the steering wheel harder.
She sighs sadly. "Can't. I got a thing tonight. Maybe tomorrow?"
He nods. So she has a date.
The guys have been trying to hook him up with a girl at Molly's too, but without success so far. He simply bought her a drink, and left to go home. How can he be with another girl, when all he can think about is a certain feisty brunette? Who by the looks of it, has no such problems.
It wouldn't be fair to the girl, or him.
He tries. For the sake of it. He tries, and talks to that same girl, Linda. She's nice, he can't say anything against that. She's a nurse at Chicago Med and she's funny, and has a nice laugh. She's smart, and she manages to make him chuckle once or twice. Who is he kidding though?
"I'm sorry," he apologizes earnestly. "I just broke up with someone."
She nods, while understanding fills her eyes. "Hey, her loss," she murmurs, and he has to silently disagree. It's definitely his loss.
She stops at Molly's before her thing and that's when she sees him. He's sitting with a girl, and they're talking. She's laughing at something he said, and she can remember how it felt to laugh at his lame jokes. Because they mostly were lame. But they were so lame you had to laugh. The girl leans into him, smiling, and Erin leaves without saying a word.
"Something wrong with your steak, kiddo?"
She shakes her head at the sound of his raspy voice and forces herself to swallow a bite. There is nothing wrong with the steak. The steak is delicious, as always. But how can she eat, when all she can see is that girl, laughing at something Jay had said?
"I'm just not hungry, that's all."
He nods and gets up to bring her another beer.
"So, how have you been?"
"You know, same old."
"You've been working a lot of overtime lately," he comments with evidence of concern in his voice. He eyes her carefully. Despite the fact that she looks physically alright, he can't remember the last time he had seen her so down. And he had seen a lot of her moods over the years. For a second he wonders what this is about, but then he sees it in her eyes. Heartbreak.
"Just keeping myself busy," she murmurs sadly.
"To not think of him?" He asks without holding back.
"Look, I don't know why you're bringing this up again. It's done. We ended it. You got your way. Now just let me eat my damn steak," she snaps and looks down at her plate.
That is when he realizes his mistake. He thought what they had was just a fling, and that being together would mean their heads wouldn't be in the game, but it's the exact opposite. Her head hasn't been in the game since the day he made it clear he knew they were sneaking around. She hasn't been herself.
"Erin," he starts softly and waits for her to look up. "You love him?"
She waits. He waits. Then she finally nods. There is no point in denying it anyway.
"I think I do."
"I'm not wrong often. But when I am, I say I'm wrong. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. And if he makes you happy, then I'll just have to suck it up." He pauses briefly, but continues before she can say anything. She's too shocked to say anything anyway.
"I'm surprised. I thought if it was real you would fight for it. Did I raise you to let anyone stand in the way of your happiness?" She stares at him with wide eyes, not able to believe the words coming out of his mouth. She doesn't allow herself to hope, and yet she cannot help it.
"No. But you raised me," she murmurs, and he does all he can, to avoid tearing up at the overwhelming loyalty in her voice.
"Well? What are you waiting for?"
"This isn't a joke, is it? You're not going to take it back tomorrow?" She asks carefully, but there is a spring of hope in her voice.
He shakes his head. How blind has he been to not notice the pain he has caused her. The one person he never wanted to hurt, and he was the one responsible for her heart being broken. He was sure it was just a fling when they sneaked around, instead of coming clean, but he would never stand in the way of her happiness.
"Go," he murmurs now, feelings overcoming him when she suddenly jumps up and hugs him tight. His girl is all grown up now. And he needs to stop fighting her battles for her. He needs to let her do her own mistakes. Get her own heart broken.
"Thank you," she whispers, and with that she is out of the door, the half-finished steak left behind on the dining table.
She nearly talks herself out of it. What if he took that girl home? What if he has other company?
But she makes her way to his place anyway. Deciding that if Voight swallowed his word and gave them his blessing, then, surely, she can take a chance with Jay. Her hands shake when she knocks on his door. There is no answer at first, but then he's there, opening the door in his sweat pants and an old ratty t-shirt and looking like he had just woken up.
"Sorry, I woke you up," she rambles, more to herself then to him. "And I didn't think before coming, maybe you have company, in which case I'll just go. I'll just go," she finishes and is about to turn around, but his hand stops her.
"It's just me," he reassures her. "Come in."
She breathes a sigh of relief, because maybe it's not too late after all. She has no idea where to begin, or how to tell him what just happened, so she murmurs the first thing that crosses her mind.
"I miss you."
He inhales sharply. "I miss you too, Erin. But we talked about this." He sighs, defeated. He knows all she has to do is give him a sign, and he'll dive right back in. Because that's how much he cares about her. "And nothing has changed, has it?"
"Everything has changed," she says, stepping closer to him. "I had dinner with Hank tonight."
He looks at her, surprised. "I thought you had a date," he admits.
She shakes her head. "It was dinner with Voight, and… you thought I had a date two weeks after we 'cooled it off'?"
"I didn't know what to think."
"It doesn't matter," she murmurs. "What matters is that Voight is fine with it."
"What?" His voice is not only surprised, but even shocked. "Are you messing with me?"
She shakes her head again. "He said he wants me to be happy. And I realize this has been all drama from the start, all the not working together, and working together again, sneaking around and cooling it off… But these past few days, being apart from you, it hurt." Admitting it to him takes a lot out of her. She is not the sharing type. "I understand if you have moved on, but I miss you."
He looks at her then. Looks at her like he's dying of thirst and has finally reached water. Here she is, saying it's okay for them to be together. He cannot believe the fear in her eyes, of him moving on. Doesn't she know that she has turned his world upside down? That he could never move on from her. Not entirely.
He takes a step forward, and then he's kissing her, like he has never kissed her before. It reminds her of their first kiss that night when she came over. His mouth tastes of toothpaste.
Just like that night, he pushes her body against the wall, perhaps with more force than back then, but he knows her now. He knows how much she can handle. His lean body feels just the same under her fingers, as if the past two weeks had never happened.
He attacks her lips, making up for lost time, and she moans softly into his mouth. She melts against his touches like liquid gold. He peels her jacket off of her slowly, taking his time. Because, if what she said is true, they have all the time in the world.
Her impatient hands tug at the hem of his shirt, so he allows her to pull it off. She lifts her arms to help him remove her shirt too. He reaches for her again, this time his hand slides to her back, unclasping her bra. Gently, he slides the straps down her shoulders, caressing her skin along the way. The air on the newly-exposed flesh makes her head feel almost dizzy with anticipation.
He feels her body tremble under his hands; he feels her breaths quicken, her heartbeat racing. His lips leave kisses on her mouth, her cheeks, her neck, everywhere he can reach. His hands tangle into her hair, marvelling at the feeling of the silk between his fingers. He didn't think he would ever get to do this again, yet here she is.
Her hands slide into the elastic of his sweats, pulling him closer and then pushing them down. His scent is intoxicating. She catches a slight trace of his shampoo, the subtle hint of his aftershave, and the simple smell of him. He takes a hold of her jaw, gently, as always, and holds her still as they kiss again, even deeper than before. And with each kiss, their desire only grows.
They discard the rest of the clothing and between kisses, they manage to get to the bedroom. He guides her down on the bed, and follows on top of her. His naked weight presses against her, and his eyes meet hers for a second. The love she feels is reflected in his eyes. He makes her feel safe, wanted, and desirable. She doesn't know how he manages to awaken so many feelings inside of her, but he does.
His hands roam her body, and every move, every touch, and caress only make her want for him grow. She is ablaze with need, her body aching with the type of hunger she never knew existed. She had been apart from him before; before that first night they spent together, but the difference is, she didn't know what she was missing back then.
She moans in desperation, arching back to give him better access, and he responds to her pleas by sliding into her slowly. The slight gasp she gives is like music to his ears, and he grins slightly, starting to move inside her.
She wishes it could last forever, but she feels the familiar build-up of release. She feels it come slowly, and then all at once, making her feel like she's flying. He thrusts harder, and it takes only his name on her lips, to push him over as well.
As they lay in bed, finally both where they belong, they let their lips speak all the words they are unable to say.
They don't bring it up again.
But Voight doesn't miss the happy smiles in the bullpen on the Monday morning, or their efforts to hide them. He doesn't miss the fact that the atmosphere in the bullpen is back to normal again after two weeks. So, after wanting to corner them with a speech about being professional in the workplace, he settles for enjoying the smile on the face of a woman he considers his family.
And maybe he lets them all go home a little early that day, because maybe this has all reminded him of what it's like to be young and in love.