Fat Bastard's bastard
After the end of Austin Powers II, Fat Bastard is on trial. Felicity and Austin are there to testify.
Since they arrived back on Earth at the dawn of the new century, Felicity had endeavoured to help Austin overcome his impotence caused by the loss of his Mojo. She suspected, with her usual astuteness, that the issue was largely psychosomatic. Austin had just begun to recover. After she incapacitated Fat Bastard, another time travelling Austin visited them and the three of them had shagged all last night, just as if Austin's mojo was recovering.
Now Fat Bastard was on trial and stood sullenly in the dock, surrounded by bars of reinforced titanium. How Fat Bastard could have followed them to 1999 remained a mystery.
"See that old scotchwoman Fliss?" asked Austin, pointing out an old stooped lady who was weeping in the crowd of onlookers. "I know – Basil told me - that Fat Bastard is her fat bastard. I's recognise the Glaswegian dialect and any poor imitation by a Canadian actor, baby."
"Austin, I'd rather you didn't use that offensive word," said Felicity, her pale cheeks flushing pink. "You see…" she shifted her feet and pushed her blond hair away from her face. Austin wondered what was wrong. She had seemed pale and clammy lately. "I've been throwing up in the mornings… this timeline is a mess, but I am sure of the time frame. It cannot be yours since we only did it for the first time last night. It's Fat Bastard's."
Austin was uncharacteristically at a loss for things to say. "Will you tell him?" he managed, no quip this time.
"I think he has a right to know, even though he does live up to his name…" said Fliss. "Although maybe… I'd better tell his mom instead."
She went up to Fat Bastard's mother. "Hello there ma'am," she said pleasantly. "I know we've never met, but I know your son intimately…" she paused. "I'm Felicity Shagwell, CIA." The old scotch woman looked up, her streaming eyes had a startled look.
"Can ae help ye lass?" she asked, her Glaswegian accent very strong.
"I'm pregnant. It's your son's. Your grandchild. I- I…" Fliss stuttered to a halt. She thought that since she couldn't bring herself to tell Fat Bastard, telling his mother was her moral obligation and yet she had not intended carry the spawn of such a repulsive caricature as Fat Bastard to term and raise it, even though it was her child as much as his.
The old scotch woman's eyes brightened. She threw her frail arms around Fliss and pressed her wrinkled face against her pregnant belly. "Oh me darlin' grandchild," she squeaked. "I nevae thought I'd see the day. All I ever wanted… All I needed now my son turned out to be such a basta'd. You wait lass, I'll be such a ma to you and a grandma…" She was crying in happiness. "Me son were such a disappointment. But everything's going to be a'right noo, my angel. With oor bairn inside ye." At that moment, Felicity's heart melted. She couldn't bring herself to dash the old woman's hopes and dreams. It was her baby too. She held the old woman close to her. "I haven't picked a name yet," she confided.
At that moment, Austin Powers came up to them. "Hello, what's this ruckus?" he asked frowning, his silly, ornate glasses giving him an owlish look.
"We were just pickin' oot names, laddie. For oor wee mite. Not born yet," said Fat Bastard's mother. She took Austin's hand in her old, gnarled one. "Ah'm Maisie. Pleased tae meet ye. Ah'm Fat Bastard's old ma, but please don't hold that against me."
"You're picking out names?" said Austin, frowning mightily.
"Yes Austin, it's decided," said Felicity firmly. Austin shook his head and stalked off, out of her life forever, without a second glance, in the direction of the sequel which would not contain either of the women. Felicity gasped. What did this say about Austin?
Author's note: Well is Austin justified? Does Fat Bastard have the right to know he has fathered a foetus? Should Felicity have let Maisie guilt trip her into keeping it?