"Awake, through the years it takes to see you.

Till I almost lose my mind.

Cause I'll never be alright,

And I'm sorry you had to see this.

But I'm such a mess,

And I never could forget. "

-Awake, Dashboard Confessionals

"It's all or nothing Shuu. All or nothing. We haven't come this far to give up. For all we've been through only one thing stayed certain and, that's you. Don't hate me for what I did. You can't, I only did it to save you."

Shuuya Nanahara started blankly at me. I had just cornered him coming out of the bathroom of our cabin. We were on a ship heading to America, away from my family, my life. What good would it have been to stay anyway? We are fugitives; the government would kill us before they even looked at us. Shuuya and I we participants in what Japan has begun to call "The Program." A class of 42, 21 girls and 21 boys, 9th graders are chosen at random and brought to a selected place and told to duel to the death. There was no choice even if you didn't play someone else would. Not to mention the metal collars that were set to explode after three days. Only one student wins, the last one standing. Not exactly the study trip we had been hoping for. It turned into the field trip from hell. Some of us were more than willing to play, they had to little to loose, I guess. They're gone now. Shuuya and I are the only survivors. All of our friends are dead, though not by our hands. That's a lie, I did kill one. I had no choice, he was going to kill Shuuya… I know that doesn't make it right, but right is pointless now.

All of my friends are dead. Just thought I would reiterate that point. It's not fair that I lived and so many that were so much stronger than didn't make it. Takao Chisago, the toughest, prettiest girl in our school was killed so early on… She had so much life in her, so much promise. She would have been an Olympic runner one day, I just know it. Sakura Ogawai and Kazuhiko Yamamoto now that was love they would have been together forever… They knew that even if they played and won one of them would have to loose. At least if they died, they reasoned, they died together. Whatever life awaits us after this, I know that Sakura and Kazuhiko are together. The universe wouldn't be so cruel as to separate them.

Why does Shuuya just look at me like that? Why can't he just speak? Hell I could babble on for ages about what happened and never stop. Shuuya acts as though we can't remember. He can't just forget the past, that's as unhealthy as living it. I guess either way you can't win. It's only been three month but it feels like a lifetime ago. He protected me, he and Shogo. Shogo… if there's anyone I miss it's him. Not to under mind the other lives lost, but Shogo's was the different. He saved us. Without him I would have died four times over. He was up in heaven now to, may his soul rest in piece with his beloved Keiko.

I know I sound so whiney. Our little Miss Noriko, the independent one. Our little star. What would my parents say if they could see me now? Alone in a cabin with the boy I'm in love with. Our fake passports listed us as brother and sister, Megan and Jordan Anderson, nice American names. I had kept my ability to speak English quiet for sometime. I'm actually more fluent than I thought it was. It's gotten us both out of a couple straps with customs, let me tell you. So long as the government believes me when I say Shuuya is a mute…

I miss my family so much, just as I know Shuuya misses Ryoko Anno, the woman in charge of his orphanage, his best friends, Yoshitoki Kuninobu, Hiroki Sugimura, and Shinji Mimura. At least I had the comfort in knowing that my family is still alive and well. Even my best friend, as luck would have it wasn't in my class and is fine. As far as I know. The only one he's got left is Miss Anno and myself. He can't pretend after all this time that he doesn't care. I don't understand how he can act so standoffish.

He finished tying the towel around his waist. He had cut his hair and I took to wearing mine up so we stood a better chance of not being recognized. It was also a tribute to Shogo, who had also had his hair nearly shaved. I saw my pigtails as a salute to my cousin, Yuka Nakagawa. No one even knew we were cousins, we really didn't speak. It doesn't mean I don't miss her. He still hadn't spoke, I waited, my eyes not leaving his. I couldn't cry. My tear duct had had it since the Game ended. I stood up.

He didn't speak, he just opened his arms to me and I steeped into them. We stood there for what seemed an eternity. I was more than content to stand there with him holding me. He held me close, protective, and loving, just as he had done in the mini-van with Kazuo Kiryama shooting at us. Would I ever put it behind me? Would I ever be able to do anything without remembering?

"Sweetheart," He finally spoke "Don't worry so much. It'll all work out for the best. We got a lot ahead of us..."

"But I have to. All of this could have been for nothing. 40 kids are dead. DEAD. For us to live? What was the point?"

"I know Nori. It seems pointless but it's not." It was the first time he hadn't called me by my "American" name.

"You're going to become a famous rock star and forget about me, marry some groupie and forget about everything."

"You know that's not going to happen. Don't do this."

"You're keeping something from me." I stepped out of his arms. "I know you are. What else am I suppose to think? I'm not a mind reader how do I know you aren't thinking of a way to ditch me the second we get to America? If I couldn't translate for you who says you wouldn't have by-"

"Stop now Noriko Nakagawa. You are about to say something you can't possibly mean and you are going to regret."

His hand reached up to gently stroke the scar on my check, it was from a bullet that Kiryama had intended to shoot though my head.

"I don't know anything anymore."

"How can you think like that? After everything? I am keeping something for you. I'm sorry, but I am."

We were fighting, we had never fought before. I guess it was bound to happen but, I still hated every second of it.

"Why?"

"Because."

"I'm going to be blunt now. Blunter than I have ever been. I know you love me as much as I love you. Something is holding you back and I've earned the right to know what it is." He turned away from me. Suborn. We've been through hell on earth and he doesn't want me to see him cry.

"You're right. You are 100 right. You disserve to know. But it's only going to hurt us both."

"If you want so badly to protect t me from pain then you shouldn't have-" I stopped, I was going to blame him for Shogo's death. That wasn't fair, it was no ones fault. The fatal gun shot had been from someone we thought dead. "How is it you still don't trust me?" I was hiding behind anger, I figured it was the best bet.

"I do trust you, and I love you more than anything. Damn it. Now am I allowed to feel a little bit of guilt?"

I stayed silent. He was so close to telling me the problem. This was the first time he had ever raised his voice to me.

"He loved you Noriko. Yoshi loved you first. It just feels… like I'm betraying him."

Yoshi? He had barely said two words to be in the past. He'd always acted so shy around me. But Yoshi? I couldn't imagine how Shuuya must be feeling. I know our school representive Yukio Utsumi had a crush on Shuuya but, I wasn't best friends with her. I didn't see her die. I hadn't known her my entire life. Yoshi was just like Shuuya's brother. I couldn't imagine what he must be feeling. I'm such an idiot. Why did I do it? Why did I push him?

"Shuu?..."

"Don't try to make me feel better… I don't want to hear it. I'm sick and tired of trying to feel better."

"Turn around and look at me, please."

"No" I knew I should apologize but, I also knew that I wouldn't. I've always been to proud.

"I'm going to get something to eat. Call me when you're done sulking."

Shuuya didn't sulk, no more than I did. He had every right to. God, sometimes I am just shit. Open mouth, insert foot.