She loved him, loved him with her whole heart. At the beginning it was a partnership, it was easy, they were good at pretending, they had been doing that since college. But somewhere along the way they had gotten too confortable with each other. She let him see her at her weakest, at her happiest, she gave him something akin to love. He returned that, she saw his strength, friendship, and happiness. Somewhere along the way, he proposed - she said yes. They married in a small ceremony, much to everyone's shock. She throw the bouquet over her shoulder, one of her bridesmaids caught it.
A few years later she discovered that she was pregnant – they were going to be a family in every sense of the word. They were both so happy. After holding that baby boy in her arms she couldn't imagine life without him. They were so happy, even the sleepless nights couldn't take that away. A few years later, she found out that she was pregnant again, this time with a baby girl. They couldn't have been happier when she arrived safe and sound, when their eldest child met his younger sister, when their life felt complete.
What she doesn't know nor understand is how they arrived in the present situation. Her children hardly speaking to them, especially their father, her hatred towards her husband, the man that she was suppose to love for as long as they lived. But most of all she could not stand the feeling that everyone knew the inner workings of her live – of her family – and especially she could not handle the glances that held pity, she was not a person who liked being felt sorry for. She was a women scored, but she wished to the bottom of her heart that she wasn't.
What she wished she could go back to the past and warn herself that she should not get involved in a marriage of convenience, because she would end up heart broken. But as long as she could think that, there were certain things that she could not regret. Her children. She loved them with her whole heart, she may not be an active parent but she was still a parent and she loves them and always will. She would be lying if she said that she didn't like being The First Lady of the United States of America, because she did. She loved that position, the authority, the publicity, and the never-ending new wardrobe. But the one regret she had about that was that if she wasn't the Presidents wife – if her husband wasn't President – he would never had met Olivia Pope, their marriage wouldn't have fallen apart, their kids would be talking to them, the whole World wouldn't know the inner workings of her – their – life.
But this was a wakeup call. Should she stay in a marriage that is like a well-rehearsed play? A play that neither herself nor her husband are happy with. She has an opportunity to play the victim, or to rise above. Rising above would be the more mature thing, but after that interview she gave James can she still do that? She didn't like to see people's pity towards her, yet she gave that interview for that exact reason. To enlist pity. What she really wants to do is take her children, move city and start her life over again. Because it is unlikely that he would notice that she was gone until the children didn't appear for Christmas.
As much as she wanted to hate Olivia Pope with every fibre of her being, she just couldn't. They both knew that it was over a while ago, it was only the formalities that need to be sorted. Who got the kids for certain holidays, splitting up the assets, submitting the papers to the court. But she was never able to do that before, maybe she thought that there was still a chance that they would fall for each other properly, different from the first time, that when she would look at him she couldn't breathe because of the love she felt, not because she was angry at him. Sometimes she wished that she were oblivious, that she could just continue planning for formal dinners and advising her staff on what to buy the children for their birthdays. But she knew, as did everyone else that she was smarter than that. She would have figured it out. Especially with his mood swings, disappearing for half a day, longing glances that were not directed at her.
She loved him, but not in the way she should have loved him. She loved him like one of her best friends. She loved him because he was the father of her children. She was not in love with him, like she should have been. Like she wished that she was. For years now she wished that things were different – that her life was different. She liked power, but not at the expense of her happiness. Because that is what she wanted, was to be happy. That is what they all wanted. But staying in this marriage wasn't going to get them what they desired. For her it was freedom to be her own person, to be loved, and most of all to be happy. She knew that for him all be wanted was her.
It wasn't surprising any more. She was a women scored and as much as she hated to think that she was, she was always going to be the women whose husband slept with another women. But if it were just that, it would be too simple. But as time went on it was going to come out that her husband wasn't just sleeping with another women but he fell in love with another women. That was more complicated. That story reflected how their marriage, eventually she would fade out of the picture – she would be the small role in the Hollywood movie that depicted their life. People would go and see that movie because it was a tale of epic romance, that love trumps all. She would be the small credit at the bottom of the scene as the actors that played her husband and Ms Pope rode off into the sunset. How cliché.
But when this was happening she would be living out the life that she previously dreamed of. And although she was a women scored, that label would fade, as she spent her time watching her kids open their Christmas presents. The happiness she would feel when she held her first grandchild. The happiness she would feel just being able to live life the way she wanted, without a husband longing for another women, without the press following her every move.
She would find love. But she knew that she wouldn't find love with Fitz.