I changed a plot and made my characters a bit OOC, because I wanted. Don't like HPDM slash then don't read. There may be some mistakes because I'm not English speaker. This is some kind of Draco's diary. Enjoy and leave a review!

I am Draco Malfoy and I honored this notebook right here with my secrets. But don't think it's a dairy. Dairy is something only teenage girl would write. But let's go on with the story.

I was sitting at slytherin table listening to Blaise talking something about cheese.

"Gouda is the best muggle firm" bla bla bla

"Blaise could you shut up?"

Yeah, I know it was rude. But I couldn't concentrate. I tried to focus on something else. Well, on someone actually. I shifted my gaze back to Gryffindor table. Most gryffindors were gathered in one place. Around Harry Potter. Two girls were sitting on his lap and boy, I believe his name was Dean, was holding his back. Don't seem quite right, huh? I think so too.

You see this started after Sirius death. Potter killed You-Know-Who and gained even more attention from everyone. I thought that he will remain shy like he always was. So I got quite a surprise when in six year he become ultimate playboy. Everyone aside from me seems happy about it thought.

"Are you interested in Harry?" asked Blaise.

"What the hell are you talking about! And Harry? Harry! This always was Potter to us!"

Blaise shrugged unharmed "He's good in bed."

I gaped. Good in bed? What the hell?

"You slept with the world savior?"

"Well, he seduced me. And it's quite common in our school."

I stood and walked out of great hall. I felt a pair of green eyes follow me. What happened to Potter? Was it even the same person I knew? I should not be concerned about him. I didn't practically hate him but still didn't like him very much. But what if this was someone else in Potter's form or something?

The thing that disturbed me the most was that his friends didn't stop him. Once in library I heard them talking about how happy Potter was. And I so wanted to tell them that they are wrong. He was falling. Deeper and deeper into the darkness. I knew that feeling very well. And I'm sure of one thing. You can't help a falling person. Not until that person is ready. If you give them your hand, you had to let go sooner or later. And if that person was not strong enough it will fall again. And Potter was not in a state of standing on his own feet. So I just tried to avoid him.

Next day Potter was staring at me. All day. What does he want?

I found out soon enough. I was walking thru a hallway when some invisible force pushed me into empty classroom. Bet you know who it was? Yes, it was Harry Potter in his own heroic person. I didn't even have time to think about his invisible cloak as he kissed me. And I just… I caught you! You thought I was going to kiss him back! Well of course I didn't. I just pushed him into a wall. He hit his head and yelped.

No, wait! It was not a yelp of pain. It was a sound of pleasure! I was absolutely frightened.

"And this was when I got to know that Harry Potter was a masochist."

"Hey, what's with the narration? I am standing right here, you know?"

"Shut up Potter. You never know if there isn't some crazy writer under invisibly cloak so I just help her in her job."

"Are you normal?" he said with wide smile.

"Better question. Are you?" I put some strength on a last word.

His smile faded.

"I think I'm not."

He looked at me with some confusion.

"Carry on. You already kissed me and I got to know you're a masochist, so I bet there will be nothing surprising in your talk now."

He sat on a desk and I did the same thing. Yeah, I know I shouldn't be here.

"You see after I killed Voldemort I just lost interest in life. It was like I had no feelings at all. So I started to try having sex with many persons. At first it gave me some passion but then I lost interest in it. And well I found my passion in.."

"Pain" I ended critically.

"You see pain is like a spicy food. You eat it even thought your throat calls; water."

"And then I reminded myself Potter was a freak."

"I'm still here!"

"And a loud one for sure."

"And whose a freak with this self narration!"

I ignored that question. It was a habit of mine since I was eleven. Always narrating things helps you understand them and look from wider perspective.

"But I don't understand one thing."

"What?"

"Why did you kiss me?"

"Oh, that. It was just to make you hit me. From quite some time you don't react on my insults. So don't think that I like you, 'cause I don't."

"And what he said next was…"

"Again self narration? You can't possibly predict what I say."

"You were going to ask me to hit you every time you want to"

"Ok, so maybe you can predict. So what's your answer?"

"No."

"Why? You hate me anyway."

"I do not. I just dislike you."

"Isn't it the same?"

"It is not. If I hated you I would like you dead."

"And you don't?"

"No"

"Oh"

"He said very intelligently."

"Stop with self narration!"

After this little incident Potter seemed to avoid looking at me. I'm sure he thought I was going to revel his secret. And I can't say I didn't think about that.

I bit my lip nervously. His little friends should notice. They should help him. I looked over gryffindor table. No one seemed to be unhappy about his behavior.

I stared all breakfast. At the end of it something uncalled for happened. One gryff, named Seamus if I remember correctly, sat next to Harry and kissed him. On the eyes of all students and teachers! And it was not just a peck on the lips. It was full and passionate French kiss.

I was stunned for a while. Then I realized it was my chance! Once again I looked over all gryffindors. Some of them were laughing. Other seemed jealous. There was only one who looked at this with real sadness. I face-palmed. Why does it have to be him?

This person stood up and walked out of great hall and I followed him. He was walking pretty fast and it was hard to catch up.

"Wait!" I demanded dramatically.

He stopped and turned around but didn't look like he enjoyed my company.

"What is it Malfoy?"

"I wanted to talk to you about Potter"

He nodded his head. Had I gone completely mad? What point had talking with Neville Longbottom?

We walked to library. In the end that talk didn't help that much. But at last I got to know that Neville knew about Potter disease. And he told me that Potter got so much crucio spells that he gone mad and started to enjoy the pain.

We heard noise that told us the breakfast ended. I said quiet thanks.

I didn't want to be late for Snape's classes. And there was one more thing to that. I always sat with Harry Potter.

Our desk was the last one in left row. Potter already sat on his place. When I looked at him he hid under curtain of his fringe. His black hair was now even longer then in fourth year but it looked healthier. Still in great mess thought.

Halfway through our lesson he decided that it was impossible to do potion without looking at it. He even spoke to me twice to pass him some ingredients.

Unfortunatly he stumbled and salamandra's eye in his hand flew right in our teacher's face. Snape's eyes could kill. Well, it couldn't but it sounds cool. He started screaming at Harry and took 50 points from Gryffindor.

At first Potter looked at him angrily. But as soon as professor turned he changed. Instead of looking like he got scolded he pulled a face someone kissed do.

It made me angry somehow. So not quite thinking what I was doing I held his hand under the desk. Before he could react I dug my nails in his soft skin. He put a hand on his mouth to not make a sound.

It was starting to get interesting. I pushed my nails harder. He shifted and rest his head on a wall. He was breathing heavily, his eyes closed, cheeks red. With my next push he looked like I was driving him to the edge. And then he opened his eyes. Unique green looked hazed, almost pleading for more. And that made me come back to my senses.

I looked at my nails terrified. I had blood on it. Potter's blood.

He didn't seem very bothered by his bleeding hand. He wrote something on a little piece of paper and shoved it in my hand brushing fingers softly.

The paper said "meet my in classroom 64 at 4 p.m."

I felt stupid. I hurt Potter because of some stupid emotion. My head whispered 'jealously' but that was unlikely. Why should I be jealous about Potter? I didn't mind when Seamus kissed him this morning.

I was hesitant when I stood in front of said door. I had to apologize to him even if he enjoyed our Potion class.

I opened the door. He was sitting on a windowsill looking directly at me. His gaze wasn't really angry, nor happy. It was curious.

"Hello" his voice seemed amused somehow. He smiled widely.

"What is so funny?"

"Because" he walked and stood right in front of me "You came" and his smile seemed even wider.

"And what's so funny in my arrival?" I asked irritated.

"You look frightened. Like a chicken"

My eye twitched.

"Do I look like a chicken to you?"

"Oh, you're right, I forgot! You're not a bird. Isn't it true…" he leaned closer and whispered in my ear "ferret?"

I definitely had enough. I pulled him by collar of his shirt and prepared my fist for a punch. He had victorious smile on his face.

I stopped immediately remembering I decided to not hit him. I let go of his shirt.

"You're ruining my fun." He said pouting. It looked totally funny.

"Try kissing me like last time. Maybe this will help."

And he really kissed me. I stood there shocked.

"Idiot, I was just joking!"

"I know. But it was still worth trying."

"He smiled wickedly."

"I don't smile wickedly! You're the bad character here! Crazy invisible writer will take it all wrong because of you."

"Shut up Potter. And stop seducing me!"

"I don't remember seducing you though."

"You just kissed me!"

"Oh, don't be such a child. I could kiss MacGonagal or Snape if I wanted to."

"Talking about Snape" his face tensed "what was that look you gave him today?"

He once again avoided looking me in the eyes.

"I don't know what you mean"

"You know very well. Is it possible that… you're in love with Snape?"

"No" he shrugged like this idea was totally impossible.

"But you looked like that"

"Because he gave me pain. Not physical though."

"I see. So you do not love Snape?"

"I do not. But I would like him to fuck me. It sure would be painful."

"Stop it. You're giving me a headache."

"Hey Draco, can I ask you something?"

"Why my first name? Ask."

"Are you a virgin?"

"What a bold question. Of course I'm not. Why you ask?"

"Because your reactions are virgin-like"

"Nonsense. I don't blush or anything"

"No, but you shiver slightly whenever I touch you." He thought silently for a while "I know! Maybe you love me!" he said with a cheeky grin. "What should I do? I cannot return your feelings but I am more then willing to have sex with you!" he said that last pharse theatrically.

"That won't be necessary" I said annoyed.

"You sure?"

"Yes" and I started to go in door's direction. When I was inches from them I heard;

"Draco"

"What?" I said not turning back.

"Meet me here tomorrow too."

I'm not quite sure why but we met every day since that time. Always in the same place and at the same time. He called my by my name but I used his surname.

We talked about all types of things. Started from our childhood to school adventures. Soon I knew every thing about third floor corridor and the chamber of secrets. He talked about his feelings occasionally. Like that he don't intend on falling in love with anyone or he's afraid that Voldemort didn't really die. Instead of comforting him I got him some criticism in that moments. He didn't need to be pitied but scolded. Sometimes our talks took long hours and he walked me back to slytherin dorm under his invisible cloak to not be catch by Filch at late hour.

One day we talked about his friends.

"Why do you hold a grudge against them?" he asked my seriously.

"Give for example Weasley. He's like totally barbarian!"

"But he's very loyal and brave!"

"Yeah, like true Gryffindor. I still can't understand why you asked tiara to put you in this house." I said with disgust.

"Hey, our house is really great!"

"Yeah, yeah I already heard this million times."

We were sitting next to each other on a sofa. I transfigured some chairs into it. He leaned on my shoulder and I couldn't help but shiver slightly. He gave my satisfied smile.

"And what about Hermione? Do you hate her because she's not pure blood?

"No, I ended with that philosophy. But I still wouldn't marry her."

He looked shocked.

"You're going to marry? But I was 100% sure you're gay!"

"Of course, because I am gay. But I still want to have a son so he can be a hair."

"You're strange."

"He said not wanting to continue a topic"

"Stop narrating!"

One day when I was going back from our meeting I tripped and fell thru random door. It was some kind of a tunnel. I lit up my wand. At the end of the tunnel I didn't need it anymore. It was bright but I couldn't tell where the light comes from. In the centre of small room there was a mirror. I recognized the frame from Potter's tale. Ein engarp. A mirror that shows what you want the most.

My breath shortened. I looked in the mirror. And I saw him. Harry was standing with me, our hands linked. I looked around me. There was no one. Image of Harry kissed me lightly on a cheek, smiling.

I run away from the mirror. All way to my dorm I was repeating 'I don't love him, I don't love him…'

Next day I felt ashamed. How could that scene be my wish?

I met with Harry at usual place. As always he sat on a windowsill.

"Why are you always sitting here?"

"It's comfortable"

"More then sofa?"

"Come and try yourself"

"We won't both fit in"

He pulled me so I have to sit next to him to not lose my balance.

"And how is it?" he asked chuckling.

"Cramped"

He gave me short laugh. Then he reached with his hand and patted my head. His sleeve slid down. There was a whole lot of fresh cuts. I warn you never look at masochist hands.

"What is this!" I hissed holding his wrist strongly.

"This is what you should expect" he said calmly.

"You idiot! Do you want to be pitied that much!"

I knew it would hurt him. He pushed me to the floor and I pulled him down with me. We started to struggle, hitting each other stubbornly.

All in bruises I managed to pill him to the wall. His face had a strange mix of anger and pleasure on it. When he stopped struggling I unconsciously leaned in as if to kiss him.

"Draco" he whispered "fuck me".

I let him go and stormed out of a classroom. This wasn't really first time that he suggested sex but this time I wasn't sure of my answer.

All night I thought of what to do. I didn't mean Potter suggestion of course, this was out of a question. But I reminded myself of Harry's wrist and his face every time I hurt him. I decided it cannot be like this. I didn't want to acknowledge it but I had strong feelings towards him.

When the morning came I build up a plan. It was hard but worth trying. And I knew it will not be full happy end for me but Harry's health was more important.

I started from a talk with Longbottom. He said he will help me and look after Harry when I will no longer be able to.

When the time came I got to our special classroom. Like I predicted Potter was already there.

"Hello Draco" he said smiling delicately. His lip were cut because of our yesterday fight.

"Hello Harry" I said his name for the first time. He noticed that too.

I sat on sofa motioning him to sit next to me.

"Can I ask you something?" he said uncertainly.

"Yes" I said already knowing what the question is.

"Why don't you want to have sex with me? You seem to like touching me."

"It's because Harry" I said leaning closer to him "I love you".

And before he could say I'm talking nonsense (which I'm sure he would say) I kissed him.

He kissed me before but it was completely one-sided. Now we were both kissing like mad. Totally wild and passionate.

When we parted for breath he started to kiss my neck. I waited for a moment when he closed his eyes. I quickly took out my wand and said;

"Obliviate"

I deleted all his memories from the time he killed Voldemort and replaced it with some normal time in Dursleys house and with his friends in school. Because of our talks I knew a lot about his life. Then I deleted all memories which caused his masochism like crucio spells.

After that I quickly spelled him to sleep. I healed all his cuts and bruises. In mean time Neville walked from behind sofa. This morning I talked to him so he could watch Harry to not become masochist again and tell all gryffindors that he don't remember anything.

After all this spells I was exhausted. Longbottom helped me stand up after I planted one last kiss on Harry's lips. I took of sleep spell.

When Potter woke up he was very confused. Longbottom said him that I attacked him and he passed out. He was yelling at me so quickly that I could not catch up all words. I could see only one thing in his eyes: hatred.

I smiled and whispered to myself "Goodbye Harry"

"What did you say ferret?" said Potter.

"Nothing" I said trying to give him a hateful glare.

And when they exited a classroom I laid on sofa and put my hand on my wet eyes. Then I smiled to myself quite like a mad men.

"This is the end of our melodrama" I said ironically. I heard Harry's voice in my head saying 'Stop self narration!'.