It all started when our uber geek, Lemmy, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling excessively pleased, Lemmy deflowered a dangerous oil-soaked rag, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Kammy Koopa, he realized that his beloved Circus Ball was missing! Immediately he called his favorite Mormon, Larry. Lemmy had known Larry for (plus or minus) 1.2 billion years, the majority of which were Crappy ones. Larry was unique. He was congenial though sometimes a little... Crazy. Lemmy called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Larry picked up to a very mad Lemmy. Larry calmly assured him that most legless puppies panic before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually explosively sneeze *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Lemmy. Why was Larry trying to distract Lemmy? Because he had snuck out from Lemmy's with the Circus Ball only ten days prior. It was a flamboyant little Circus Ball... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Lemmy got back to the subject at hand: his Circus Ball. Larry yawned. Relunctantly, Larry invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Circus Ball. Lemmy grabbed his whale and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Larry realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Circus Ball and he had to do it fearlessly. He figured that if Lemmy took the spaceship, he had take at least nine minutes before Lemmy would get there. But if he took the The Ludwig Mobile? Then Larry would be exceedingly screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Larry was interrupted by nine dimwitted Flamethrowers that were lured by his Circus Ball. Larry yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling exasperated, he recklessly reached for his banana and carefully attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the The Ludwig Mobile rolling up. It was Lemmy.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, Lemmy was out of the The Ludwig Mobile and went scandalously jaunting toward Larry's front door. Meanwhile inside, Larry was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Circus Ball into a box of dull pencils and then slid the box behind his elephant. Larry was relieved but at least the Circus Ball was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Larry charismatically purred. With a inept push, Lemmy opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some pestering genocidal maniac in a homemade car,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Larry assured him. Lemmy took a seat ridiculously far from where Larry had hidden the Circus Ball. Larry yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Lemmy was distracted. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, Larry noticed a oafish look on Lemmy's face. Lemmy slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Larry felt a stabbing pain in his kidney when Lemmy asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Circus Ball right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Lemmy's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet 3-legged wallabies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Lemmy nodded with fake acknowledgment...then, before Larry could react, Lemmy skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The Circus Ball was plainly in view.
Lemmy stared at Larry for what must've been four nanoseconds. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, Larry groped sassily in Lemmy's direction, clearly desperate. Lemmy grabbed the Circus Ball and bolted for the door. It was locked. Larry let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Lemmy,' he rebuked. Larry always had been a little oafish, so Lemmy knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Larry did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at him or something. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Kammy Koopa, he gripped his Circus Ball tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Larry looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Lemmy. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Lemmy. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Larry walked over to the window and looked down. Lemmy was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Lemmy was struggling to make his way through the fanstic pumpkin patch behind Larry's place. Lemmy had severely hurt his fingernail during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Flamethrowers suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Circus Ball. One by one they latched on to Lemmy. Already weakened from his injury, Lemmy yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Flamethrowers running off with his Circus Ball.
About nine hours later, Lemmy awoke, his double chin throbbing. It was dark and Lemmy did not know where he was. Deep in the lonely fanstic pumpkin patch, Lemmy was scarcely lost. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he remembered that his Circus Ball was taken by the Flamethrowers. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a oversized Flamethrower emerged from the magical cornfield. It was the alpha Flamethrower. Lemmy opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Flamethrower sunk its teeth into Lemmy's armpit. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Lemmy's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than three miles away, Larry was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Circus Ball. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened ripened avocado. With a hasty thrust, he buried it deeply into his double chin. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Lemmy... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Circus Ball that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Flamethrowers, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
LOLz!!