July 25th

11:36pm

We always just joked about it. Carlos having a girlfriend. It would never really happen, at least that's what I thought. But everything changed tonight. Out of nowhere basically, Carlos gets this stupid girlfriend. Where does he get off? So within a few hours of meeting her they're like boyfriend and girlfriend forever? It feels like my heart is breaking, burning, falling into pieces. I thought Carlos loved me. No, he never really said that, but sometimes it felt like it. To be honest, I assumed he had been crushing on me, too. He acted like he did. All these years that we had been best friends, the little things I said and did, trying to drop the hint…I thought he recognized them. When I took his hand, he would squeeze back. During those long tours across the US, sleeping on the blue bus in the same bad. That was just being friends? Really? This whole time, we were just friends? I'm going to die. I hate her. I hate her so much.

July 26th

9:19am

Alexa.

Fuck her.

July 27th

10:02am

It's Kendall and me on the bus leaving Maryland. He knows I'm upset, but I haven't told him. Being alone with my thoughts as I know Carlos is fading further and further away from me is dangerous. We went from best friends to nothing, but does he realize it yet? He is all smiles now. I see him touch her hand or her cheek, and his eyes light up in ways that I've never noticed before. I want to punch him, isn't that silly? I've never been violent, never ever. Kendall is going to the kitchen and he keeps looking over his shoulder at me. He seems to be worried about me, probably because I'm scowling the whole time. But how can I not scowl? I can't even fathom these emotions I'm feeling! I spent so much time dreaming about Carlos and me together. We would have been the perfect couple. Those deep chocolate eyes that gaze so lovingly. Now they stare at ALEXA

ALEXA

ALEXA ALEXA ALEXA

Tears fall into my lap now. Kendall's worried. He's coming over here and asking what's wrong. I think I should log off and talk to him. Is that smart? Ahh. Too much pressure!

8:39pm

Kendall and I talked for a really long time. I didn't tell him my true feelings for Carlos, but I let him know that it upset me. I think he picked up on what's happening. It's so silly. I feel silly. He said, "If you really care about him, you'll want to see him happy."

He's right, and I do want to see him happy. Or maybe I don't. Maybe I don't care about him. Does that make me selfish? And even if, is being selfish so bad? I am the main focus in my life, after all. I can't even prove I exist, let alone everyone else. Ooooh! I AM angry about it, still. We switch up the busses tomorrow. If I get stuck with Carlos, I don't know what I'll do! I will try to get James here. I don't know. My head is running a mile a minute, and every other word is Alexa! Stupid Alexa! What kind of two cent whore suddenly becomes a pop star's number one girl over night? I bet they've had sex already. God damn it. I wanted our first time to be shared together, not with Alexa. Alexa. I won't be able to sleep tonight.

July 28th

11:40pm

Tonight's show was a mess. I couldn't focus. I tripped onstage. I want to die. At least I have James on the bus.

July 29th

7:33am

I feel really dumb, 'cause apparently Kendall told James how upset I've been over Carlos and Alexa. Overnight as we were driving out of the city, I was crying a lot and couldn't sleep. James put his hand on my head and told me everything was going to be okay. Why did it take me so long to notice how comforting this guy could be? I always wrote him off as the overconfident douchebag, but maybe there's more than meets the eye. I sniffled into my pillow and eventually fell asleep. In the morning, James was back on his bed, so I don't know when he stopped touching my head or whatever. He's still asleep now. I'm sitting up in bed and peering over the top of my computer sometimes, just to see what he's doing. He sleeps with his mouth open, it's sort of cute.

3:56pm

Alexa pulled me aside and asked if there were any problems between Carlos and I. Of course I lied, and told her everything was fine. I wished them the best and walked away. I think she detected the subtle sarcasm in my voice.

July 30th

12:23am

Okay, you know what happened? I went to bed still upset, 'cause taking to Alexa really cheesed me off. I don't think Carlos can ever be happy with her. What does he want a woman for, anyway? What's she got that I don't? Okay, don't answer that. But get this; I was sitting in my bed and watching the traffic fly by as the bus continued on its way, right? James, still James on the bus, sat down next to me and put his arm around my shoulders. Feeling desperate, I leaned against him. His body is so strong, I never really thought about it before. He asked what was really going on, concerning me and Carlos of course. I told him I didn't want to talk about it.

"You can tell me, come on," he said. His voice was so smooth and sweet, I sort of gave in.

"I guess I've always been in love with Carlos," I told him.

"I know," James said. I got embarrassed, but his hold on me was steady. "Kendall and I have known for a long, long time."

"Are you serious?" I asked.

"Yeah. It's cool. Carlos doesn't know."

"Ohh…seriously?"

"Yeah. Carlos is definitely not gay, so Kendall and I agreed to keep it a secret from him. But damn Logan, you've been giving him puppy dog eyes for years!"

"Thanks," was all I could say. He stroked my shoulder and leaned his head against mine. I sighed and closed my eyes. It was nice. I had never been held so tenderly before.

"Whatever happens between you and Carlos, always know that you have a friend in me."

"I appreciate it."

He actually put a kiss on my temple before he went to his bed. How sweet! Oh my God, he's adorable. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why couldn't I see this before?

July 31st

5:57am

I didn't sleep for beans last night. I'm going to try and get at least another hour or so. We'll be getting to our next destination around 8:30, they say. I dunno. James is still asleep, looking cute as usual. We'll see.

11:24pm

AHHH! What a long and horrible day! Alexa and Carlos and running around everywhere taking pictures of themselves looking cute. And I have nobody. NOBODY. We went to the aquarium here, before the show, and I wandered around by myself for a long time. I get sick to my stomach when I see the two of them holding hands or kissing. I wanted it to be my lips, my fingers. I hate Carlos.

11:39pm

James showed me pictures he took at the aquarium. He had been following me the whole time and had like 20 shots of me staring at the fish tanks and looking sad. Am I really that miserable about this? Ohhh.

August 1st

10:51pm

I want to erase today from my memory. It was a disaster…during the sound test, Carlos asked me why I was being so distant with him, and I just ignored him. "Is it 'cause of Lexa?" he asked. James butted in here and tried to distract us, but it escalated anyway. I sneered at him, and Carlos suddenly looked really upset. "Is it?" He asked, totally shocked. I didn't answer. There were some people in the mostly empty audience, and they all looked very strange at us.

"It's okay it's okay," James said. And Kendall tried, too. He pushed Carlos apart from me and whispered to him, but I didn't hear it. Kendall and James kept trying to keep the sound check going. Carlos mouthed the word, "Dude" to me, and I just shook my head. He was completely caught off guard. "You're jealous of my girl?" he asked. Those fucking words. I threw my mic on the ground and started crying. A couple people in the crowd made unsettled noises. James flipped out and dragged me off stage. "You need to chill out!" he said.

"I can't! How can I?"

"People can't know about this. Try to relax."

I stared at him with tears in my eyes. They burned. I saw Carlos standing on the stage still, talking to Kendall. My fists tightened up and I squeezed more tears out. My face felt hot.

"Logan?" James asked.

"What."

"You gotta relax, please. Come on." James gave me a hug and I instinctively hugged him back. He cradled my body and held me so close. I closed my throbbing eyes and pressed my face against James's neck. He was warm. His sweat smelled sweet and musky. I felt his heart beating against mine. "Let's go back out there and try again, okay?"

"I don't want to see him," I sobbed. "He broke my heart, James."

"No he didn't," James said, almost sternly. "He had no idea it would hurt you."

I did my best on stage, but it was so awkward, uncomfortable and strange. Everyone was talking about my freak out. Rumors are going around. Kill me now.

August 2nd

7:29am

It was so sweet. James. James is so sweet. We had a chat about "the incident" today. It was a little bit tense, but it mellowed out. When James wants to be sincere, he is so kind and gentle. We sat together on my bed, and he went over how I can't expect Carlos to be very understanding of the situation.

"He didn't know you were in love with him," James explained. "Don't make him feel guilty. You can't expect him to put his life on hold just for you. He isn't gay. He never was and he never will be. I know it hurts, Logan, but you can't keep moping around like this. Okaaaay?"

"Okay," I said quietly. "You're right. It's my fault for not knowing he was straight. It would be nice if people could just announce their sexuality or something. I can't fucking tell."

James didn't say anything after this, he just looked at me with a weird smile on his face. "What?" I asked. He shook his head. "What?" I asked once more.

"You're full of shit," James said, laughing.

"What did I do?"

He took my hand and held it between both of his. They're bigger than mine, and I felt so tiny. He kept smiling and his cheeks turned pink.

"James?" I asked.

"Ah…Logan…"

"What am I missing?"

"You're silly," James said. He let go of my hand and went to his bed. We haven't said anything else yet. I don't know what his problem is. He's still asleep. I guess we'll sort it out later.

8:25pm

James acts like nothing happened last night. I'm so confused. Switching up the busses tomorrow. I need Kendall back. Carlos will just break out into a fight.

August 6th

2:40pm

I didn't write for a couple of days, 'cause I've been feeling shitty. I'm overwhelmed and my head won't slow down. Luckily I've had Kendall on the bus with me, but we've been avoiding any discussion of Carlos as if it's a virus we will catch. I try to wear a smile on my face, but he sees right through me. It's been a painful and difficult couple of days, for sure. The guys have been keeping busy with all sorts of cool shit to do, but I refuse to leave the bus unless it's specifically work related. I'm depressed and I don't want to do anything. I keep seeing Carlos and Alexa fooling around. I wish they would die. I wish I would die.

August 7th

5:21am

I didn't sleep for shit, and I woke up around 2am crying. Kendall freaked out, and he says at the next rest stop he's going to switch with James. Something about himself being unable to sort out my problems. I feel like a burden. How come I'm always a god damned burden? Tour is almost over, though. Can't wait to be back in LA so I can disappear forever. No, I don't mean it of course.

8:46am

I forgot to shut down my computer when we parked at the rest stop, so when James got back on the blue bus, he saw this word document up. I don't know if he read it. I feel weird.

August 8th

7:39am

Okay. You won't believe what happened last night. So James and I were talking and talking for a while. He had beer, so we were drinking a little bit. I got real upset and was crying. James was playing psychiatrist.

"Why are you still so upset over Carlos?" he asked.

"I don't know," I admitted, sobbing, beer in my hand.

"Is there possibly some feelings you're just channeling through Carlos? Huh? Could that be it?"

"I'm not sure." I sniffed once and looked up at James. He cracked open another frosty one and took a big, yet somehow dainty sip. He suppressed a small burp and said, "Does it make you feel alone?"

"Yeah."

"You're not alone."

"I…know that."

"I don't think you do." James put down his beer and gave me a hug. He cradled me in his arms and hummed to himself. "You're never alone. You have me. And you have Kendall…most of all, you have me."

I closed my eyes and held onto James tightly. I curled up and felt like a fetus, both physically and emotionally. James was like my mom, giving me the comfort I so lacked. That felt weird, for sure.

"Never say you want to die," he whispered. I sniffed and nodded. "Never, ever say you want to die."

"Sorry," I apologized.

"Don't be sorry."

"I am, though."

"It's okay, Logan. Please. Don't be sorry. I understand. Carlos isn't worth it."

"I'm not worth it."

"Logan…"

"I don't care." I clutched his shirt and started to bawl. Tears poured out of my eyes and I cried and cried against his chest. James just sat there and stroked my back, touched my head. He hummed quietly and rocked a little. I felt fucked up.

"What good is a life like this?" I asked.

"A lot," James said confidently. He took my cheek in his hand and turned it upward. He was looking at me and smiling ever so warmly. I couldn't help but blush when my eyes met his. "It means everything to me," he admitted.

"Huh?"

"You mean everything to me," James repeated.

"Ohhh…" I smiled then. A great big sniffvand a small, fragile smile.

"Angel with a broken wing," he said. "I'll fix your wounds and let you fly, mmkay?"

"Oh, James," I said. What else could I tell him? It was like I was falling in love with him. Mutual love. This was new to me. James lay me down in bed and tucked me in. I closed my eyes, and I think he kissed my forehead. I fell asleep quickly, and when I woke up, James was in his bed and acted like nothing happened last night. He was sort of embarrassed, actually. Weird.

August 9th

10:03pm

I apologized to Carlos, as painful as it was. He accepted it only somewhat. I think that whole incident really hurt his reputation. Oh, but James was right. It wasn't his fault. Ugh. Why is life so complicated? I felt like an idiot, 'cause Carlos just said, "Okay thanks," when I told him I was sorry. My heart seared with pain. I'm afraid we'll never go back to being friends. How will the band go on like this? Is it really my fault? James comes over here and he wants to talk, so I'll turn this off for now.

August 10th

1:01am

Oh wow. James is really something…you know what he did? He said that he was watching my apology to Carlos. Told me he was super proud of doing that. "Even though Carlos wasn't very nice about it, it still took a lot of courage to do that."

"Thanks," I said coyly.

"No, really. You were brave."

"Kinda, I dunno."

"Oh, Logan."

"Hmm?"

He laid down next to me on the bed and put an arm around me. "I just like to be close to you," he said. My face turned bright red. "Umm. How come?" I asked.

"I like to be here for you. I know you need that."

"Ohhh…"

"Shh." He hugged me and put a kiss on my neck. "Everything's going to work out. Accept Carlos's girlfriend, and be happy that he's happy. He'll come around. You're still friends. Big Time Rush is still Big Time Rush. We'll make it work."

"Sure?" I asked apprehensively.

"As sure as I love you."

"Huh?" My heart practically stopped. I couldn't believe what he said, and at first I thought I misheard him.

"As sure as I love you," James repeated. "As sure as I love you."

We fell asleep like that. Yeah, I think everything will work out. It's not like Carlos is getting married or anything.