Disclaimer: I own Harry Potter.

HAHAHA!

Wait. Is that the police?

NO! I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER! I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER! Don't put me in jail! Please! Pretty please! Pretty please with peanuts on top!

Why! I don't deserve to go to jail!

AN: This can take place during any time period, but I think it makes sense for it to be after Hermione and Ron got married.

My name is Cedric Percy Umbridge. Most people call me CPU for short.

I am a computer, and I live in a cardboard box. Not for long, though. I heard in a chat room with my friend that he got picked up and unboxed, and is now living in a home with a sweet woman called Dolores. My biggest wish is to be bought by someone as nice as Dolores.

Wait – I think I hear something!

"Ron, this is not a burger!"

"But it says 'Mac' on the box! And there's an apple on the box too! It obviously is made of food!"

"You are so naive! This is a computer. It is a Muggle machine that can do a lot of cool things."

"It still sounds boring, Hermione."

"It will help you do your homework."

"You know, this sounds like a great idea! Let's buy it."

Then I heard this 'Ron' reach down and...

Pick up the box next to me.

10011010. This makes me unhappy. :(

"OUCH! The confutor thing fell down and hit me on the foot! BAD confutor! Bad boy!"

"Ugh, it's called a computer, not a confutor. Here, let me take this one."

They picked me up! Yay! I need to change my Facebook status to BOUGHT! And I'll do a tweet, too!

CPU – has finaly been bot! I cant wait 2 meet my new owner! Coment on tis tweet if u fink Macs r cooler than PCs! And b sure 2 review this story!

I'm being unboxed right now! I can't wait to see my new owners!

And... one of them is a redhead. Great. I dislike redheads. I'm a biased computer.

He's starting me up.

"Let's see. "Ron, I wrote you this list of things to do with the computer. I already set it up for you. Just follow the instructions. Aw, this stinks. I hate lists! Lets see... Under username, type in WeaselManX666X. Under password, type in ferrets."

Ooh, what a wonderful username and password! He's typing it in right now... Wrong combination. Please make sure you spelled you username and password correctly.

And again! Wrong combination. Please make sure you spelled you username and password correctly.

Again... Wrong combination. Please make sure you spelled you username and password correctly.

Ron cursed.

Okay, that's enough for now. Let's log him in.

"Next, move the mouse over to the icon that says Safari. Press the left mouse button."

Ah, a classic.

Ron moved my mouse over to Safari. He was about to press the button.

And I moved the icon.

"What the...?" he said, confused.

He reached over and tried to click it again.

And I moved the icon.

"HERMIONE! This comqutor thing isn't working!" he yelled.

"You're just inexperienced with it. Follow my instructions and you'll be fine."

I kept moving the icon. Ron kept clicking. Missed me, missed me, now you got to kiss me!

An LED light bulb just went off over my head!

I let Ron click the icon.

"Stupid contutor," he muttered. "A page should come up. In the search bar, try typing your name, Ron. Like I don't know my own name."

He looked at me. 'Hermione' probably wanted Ron to use Google, but I used my computer powers to direct him to a certain site called .net.

Ron found the search bar and typed in his name. "You should try to click on some of the 'links' that come up (those are the blue words.)"

Ron clicked on the first link. "'Gasp Ron!' Weird... it seems to be a story. Wow, this is terrible. Wait – I'm in Hermione's lingerie? EEW! Gross! Let me see some other pages... 'Ron's Addiction'... 'Ron's Shoes'... 'Ron's Diary'! How'd they get access to my secret diary?

Then he clicked on another link, but I secretly navigated him to a different page.

'My immortal' by Tara Gilesbie. I'm an evil computer. :P

Ron looked at the page. "Woah. This has gotta be the worst story I ever read."

He went forward a few chapters. "Draco is dating a gothic vampire? And why does Draco have a flying car? And... what! GROSS! Hermione! Why did you do this to me?"

Ah, what amazing work I do. Now for one final touch. I put Voldemort's face on the screen.

"AHHH!" Ron jumped out of his seat. He ran away and returned with a mallet.

Uh-oh.

I ran to a USB drive and quickly downloaded myself onto it. Just in time.

I heard Hermione come in.

"Ron? I heard you – what did you do? You just destroyed a one thousand dollar computer! You know, I wanted to use that to calculate pi to the billionth decimal! Why? I am not doing any of your work for a month!"

"But – but Hermione! The computer turned into Voldemort! I saw him!"

"Ron, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! And I heard that Fred and George once sent all the owls in Hogwarts to give Snape messages that said 'Your order of Pothead's Lily Shampoo (Made with real lilies!) has been confirmed. Please expect your order to come at dinnertime on October 31st'!

Ah, the wonderful work of a biased computer.

I know that the story was awesome, but I still need to hear your praise in a review. So click that button below this message and you will receive Pothead's Lily Shampoo (Made with real lilies!)