WARNING: story may contain triggering images and feels-inducing elements. proceed with caution.

Some backstory: post-homestuck, trolls have moved to Earth since Alternia has been destroyed. Beta and Alpha kids' universes have merged into one timeline, they now all live together in the same universe. Sopor no longer exists, since it was an Alternian substance, and Gamzee is no longer an addict. He takes extremely potent medication to control his insanity, as well as "tranquilizers" for emergency situations, in case the medication wears off. He and Tavros became matesprits shortly after the game ended. Betas and trolls are around 17, Alpha kids are all around 20.

Okay, that's enough out of me. I need to shut up and get the story started.

Chapter 1

It's been hours. At least I think it's been hours. I can't really tell what time it is. I haven't even motherfucking bothered to look at the clock. I lift my head and glance at the digital reading. It's almost 4 AM. It's been six hours. Six hours since I came back from the hospital. Ten since it happened.

I thought staying with Rose for a week would be a good idea. Tavros, Terezi and I hadn't been off the island in over a month. Rose lives close by, they said. Plenty of room at her place. Out in the woods, not too much publicity. Only a few hours by boat and a few more by car. I can't believe I actually motherfucking thought this would be good for us.

If only I could have seen that this would happen.

I'd only had enough medication to last me the week. Just until I could get back to the island. Then Jade and her chemistry set could alchemize another month of doses.

It was all Terezi's fault. No, not really. She was drunk. She didn't know what she was doing. Her and Roxy both thought that it was just another little prank. Then they both got piss-motherfucking-wasted, blacked the fuck out and forgot.

She thought it would be funny to throw out my pills. Maybe she hadn't motherfucking thought at all. I can't be sure if she had realized if it was the only thing that could control my mental condition. Sopor doesn't exist on this planet. That human medecine just didn't work on me. That I couldn't get by on tranquilizers. The tiny syringes of sedative are for emergencies only, and they don't last very long.

I didn't tell anyone about my medication. They would think it was me. They would think I was slipping again, just like I did all those years ago. I couldn't let that happen. Besides, I'd only have to hold out for a few days until I went back. It didn't seem like such a long time. But it was still too long.

The shock pens. They were all I had now. It was a good thing that I had one when it happened. Otherwise I would have killed him. I'd come close enough. And I still feel like shit.

I love him.

He didn't deserve it.

I just want to die.

0o0o0o0o0

I'm lying down on my temporary bedroom floor. Meg & Dia is playing in the background. But I'm not really listening to the music. I'm more focused on him.

Tavros is lying on the carpet with me, his eyes closed. His head is resting on my stomach. His horns can cover the distance across my entire body, all the way from my neck to my hips. Seems kind of weird on such a tiny troll. I have my arm over his chest, my hand feeling the gentle pulse of his heart. He breathes in. I feel my own heart speeding up.

"Hey, Gamzee?"

I look down at him. "Yeah, bro?"

He opens his eyes. "How long has it been?"

I try and think back to when it all started. It seems like forever. I remember I was the one who asked him. He'd been so motherfucking shy. Vriska had broken up with him a month earlier. I'd already known he liked me. It was pretty obvious that I had felt the same way. I didn't really know how long it had been since then. But I try to find a point in time anyway.

"A year, I think," I say. "We've been matesprits for a year."

Tavros smiles shyly and looks up at me. He pulls himself up and crawls up toward me. His face draws close to mine. "You're sure?"

I shake my head. "I don't really know," I answer, shrugging. "It seemed about right, though." I put my arms around his tiny frame and pull him towards me. Tavros smiles and our lips meet. He rolls over on top of me and I hold him close, my arms pinning him against me. I gently trace his lips with my tongue, then his mouth opens over mine. He tastes like happiness. I don't want it to end.

After a few minutes, he pulls back. His face is flushed brown from his blood rushing to the surface of his skin. He looks at me, a stupid, starstruck smile on his face. I'm pretty sure I look the same way. He comes closer and rests his forehead against my chest. "I love you."

I smile and stroke his fluffy mohawk. "I love you too, Tav." I lean down to kiss his forehead. He nuzzles back. I never want to let him go. He's my little miracle. I hope he knows that.

"Tavros?"

"Mm?"

"Did you ever think... We'd end up like this?"

I feel him smiling again. He presses himself closer to me. "No," he murmurs. "But I'm glad that we did."

I squish him against my chest. "So am I."

That's when it happens.

That's when my motherfucking insanity finally decides to take over.

I should have told someone about Terezi's stupid little motherfucking prank. They would have understood. I don't know why I thought they would blame me. I'd been stupid. Two days. It had only been two days. I thought I would be able to hold out longer. But no.

And it had to motherfucking happen at a time like this.

My hearing is the first thing to go. The room goes silent and a painful ringing fills my ears. I'm choking. I feel like there's cold water surrounding me, thousands of feet deep, crushing my ribs. My arms loosen their grip on Tavros. I'm slipping under. I can feel it.

Tavros pulls back and looks at me. His eyes, his sweet, beautiful brown eyes, are the size of frisbees. He's terrified. His lips are moving, but I can't hear anything he's saying.

My vision starts going blurry. Shadows dance across my eyes, throwing random spurts of colors and darkness at my face. I hear Tavros. He's screaming.

"Gamzee? Gamzee, answer me! Are you okay? Gam-"

He fades out.

It's too late. The motherfucking darkness is taking over.

I hit the floor.

Everything goes black.

The first thing I feel is the tiny, cold sting in my side. My hand flails blindly to sweep it away. My vision is still black. I hit something small, and it clatters to the floor. I'm lying on top of something soft. I feel it rise weakly. It's breathing. It's alive.

My vision and hearing slowly fade back in. I open my eyes. The music has stopped. I grope blindly around the floor to find what had been stuck to me before. Something warm and slick is soaked into the carpet. My fingers close around something small, cold and hard. I lift it to my face. It's a shock pen.

My fingers are stained with brown. So is the carpet.

That can only mean one thing.

One motherfucking thing.

I scramble backwards, dragging my weight off of whatever I was on top of. I hold back a scream.

It's Tavros.

He's lying comatose on the floor. Cocoa-brown blood is splattered all over the room. All over me, too. His soft grey skin is covered in bruises. His breathing is faint and shallow. One of his legs looks smashed, and his left wrist is bent backward at a weird angle. He's staring blankly up at the ceiling, his eyes half-closed and glassy.

"Tavros?" I whisper, tears dragging at my voice. I crawl over to him. He isn't moving. I reach out and gently touch his arm. He doesn't respond. "Tavros?" I say, just a little louder. "Tavros, can you hear me? Wake up, Tav. Come on, it's me. I'm okay now."

He takes a shaky, gasping breath. His ribs must be broken. He can't breathe. His eyes move and he looks up at me.

My heart motherfucking snaps. I kneel next to him and pick him up off the floor, cradling his head in my lap. He struggles to take another breath. "Gam...zee..." he chokes.

"Did I do this to you?" I ask. My eyes are stinging with tears. "Tavros, answer me!" I demand, choking back a sob. "Did I do this?"

He smiles weakly. Sheer brown teardrops gather in the corners of his eyes. "It's...o...kay..." he whispers.

Tears are streaming over my face. I want to scream. How could I do this to him? "I'm sorry, Tavros," I sob. "I'm so sorry. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't..."

His smile fades. He stares blankly up at me. The tears in his eyes fall, sliding over the sides of his face to the floor. His eyes close. He goes limp in my arms.

"Tavros?" I choke. He doesn't respond. "Tavros?" I say it again, louder this time. I say his name over and over, louder every time until I'm screaming. He still won't wake up.

I did this to him. This is all my fault.

I clutch Tavros against my chest and scream my motherfucking lungs out.

0o0o0o0o0

Then Roxy came home. She heard me upstairs. Saw me clutching my matesprit's limp body. She was the one who called 911. I watched as they loaded Tavros into the back of the ambulance. I had lost control again. And this was how I had to pay for it.

Roxy drove Rose, Terezi and me to the hospital an hour later. We waited for Tavros to come out of surgery. By the time they we were finally allowed to come see him, I had cried so hard that my makeup had been washed off by my tears. The doctor led us into the ICU. He was lying in one of the beds, looking more tiny and fragile than I had ever seen him. Still unconscious. The nurse standing by said that he was in a coma. We couldn't do anything but wait until he woke up.

I listened as they told Roxy all the things that had happened. Severe head trauma. Broken wrist. Multiple leg fractures. Six broken ribs. Internal bleeding. All courtesy of me and my motherfucking inner demons that I just can't seem to control.

I finally told everyone what had happened to my pills. They understood. At least I think they did. They still quarantined me the minute we got back from the hospital. It didn't stop me from finding a razor and adding a few new scars to the collection on my wrist. I know I had promised myself I would stop. I guess this means I lied. Rose called Jade at the island and said that the new medication should be here by tomorrow night. Not that it'll be much motherfucking help now.

I guess that's why I'm still here. Still rolled up in a ball and crying my motherfucking heart out.

What the hell have I done?