First off: I'm sorry. I am a perfectly literate Grammar Nazi ("No ellipses for you!") who finds chatspeak, noobish, and poorly written Mary-Sues to be terribly amusing, and therefore allows herself to use them mockingly from time to time.
This is just such a time.
I am proud (or maybe not) to present to you Teh Best Jak Mari-Sue EVARR, where misspellings and grammatical mistakes are intentional, punctuation abuse is permitted, and plot holes run rampant. The only thing is, this is a Mary-Sue Bashing Mary-Sue Fic. (Why do I keep capitalizing things? It seems random, but not entirely...) So, most of the fic is perfectly literate. As for the bashing... well... read on, loves.
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Once upon a time, three girls were sitting in the living room of an average house with unusually comfortable couches. One girl was playing Jak II while the other two watched, inexplicably able to be entranced and chatty at the same time.
"Liek OMFG," said one, tossing her long golden hair that shimmered like moonbeams. Sorry, sunbeams. Moonbeams are silver, right? Right. So her gorgeous golden hair was a sunbeam, and even though it was sunny it was shiny like it had stars in it. Is this making sense? No? Okay, I'll move on. Her skin was perfectly tanned, not too dark, and her deep brown eyes, which peered into the soul of anyone who was looked upon by them, were... slathered with makeup, just like every bit of her. Her name was Marissa, and she was really, really gorgeous. And hot. And all the boys loved her. She had perfect fashion sense and a huge collection of handbags. Now that I think about it, I really suck at Mary Sues, but somehow that's excusable. What was happening? Oh, that's right, she'd just opened her luscious, glossed, vanilla-flavored lips to speak. "I'm liek so totally stuck on that part right now."
"Oh! Oh! Me, me too!" said the girl beside Marissa. This one was also indescribably gorgeous, but in a different kind of way. Her name was Mandy, and her perfectly plucked (read: too thin) eyebrows were a blackish brown, making them stand out strikingly from behind her impeccably cut bangs. The rest of her bleach-blond, chemically damaged hair was pulled back into flowing pigtails that gently brushed her shoulders. "I've been liek stuck ther 4eva."
The third girl sighed over her controller, staring at Jak's ass uninterestedly. "It's not nearly as difficult as you two have been making it."
Marissa scoffed. "But taht tank totally runs me over evry time!1two"
"...It runs you over?" Alicia paused the game and glanced over her shoulder at the natural blonde.
"OMGWTF me 2!" Mandy said. "I keep trying 2 punch it but i dye evry tiem."
"...Double-you tea eff indeed," Alicia muttered, turning back to the game. "Okay, guys, first of all, don't punch the damn tank. It has spikes, alright? Second, if it runs you over, you need to learn how to use the analog stick right. And, um... if you think this is hard, what the hell are you doing playing games like this?"
"R u making fun of me?" Marissa cried, tossing her hair furiously. "Is it bcos im a gurl? u thnik grls cant play gamez?"
"I'm a girl too." On-screen, Alicia deftly maneuvered Jak out of the tank's sights. The controller cradled in her lap, she sat cross-legged with terrible posture. She was skinny, but not attractively so; her body was like a 5'4" 8-year-old bony wraith of a girl's, with only a few hints of curve to serve as proof that she was, in fact, a junior in high school. Her hair had originally been cut to resemble Yuna's (from FFX), but it only worked when she took the time to straighten it, which she never did; so it revealed its true, wavy nature which was not at all becoming. She had a prominent nose that she liked to call "noble", and boring grayish eyes with uneven eyelids. She was by no means ugly, but she was entirely uninteresting.
Mandy shrieked piercingly as the game went to a cutscene, for Alicia had completed that particular mission. "OMGWTFBBQDDRFMAFFXz0rz!" she said. "u liek totlly jsut beet taht boss!z0rz!nine how u do that?"
"With a controller!" Alicia replied, annoyed. What the hell were these idiots doing in her house again? Why did she have to play hostess to them? Oh, that's right -- because they were supposed to be going over the test they'd all flunked. Lucky for her, though, they were both wannabe gamers, so they didn't argue when she announced that she was going to play. But their commentary was so annoying, and the story's plot was hardly moving...
Suddenly there was a flash of light and a whooshing sound, and the television went blank, and the ground shook and the windows shattered and the sky fell and a great rift opened in the earth that swallowed the house whole, but the girls didn't know this because they'd been drawn into the TV before even the flash or the whoosh.
They had, in fact, been in Haven City for a full fifteen seconds by the time the earth ate Alicia's house.
"OMFG" said Marissa.
"lIek OMFG is rite," Mandy said. "Taht's liek teh coolest GmaeShark EVARR tell me ware u get it!what"
"...I have to agree with you on the whole OMFG thing," Alicia said distractedly. "We're in Haven City."
"OMFG NO WAY" Marissa said, ignoring her commas for the second time.
"OMFG I don't have my purse D:" said Mandy, ignoring her comma and using an emoticon in dialogue.
"OMFG I need to redo my lipgloss," Marissa cried, deciding that she had to be better than Mandy if Mandy was going to neglect her commas.
"Sheeyit," Alicia groaned. "I didn't get to save." She was about to take a few steps in a random direction so she could look around when the author realized that she'd completely forgotten to describe the girls' clothes, which had changed magically upon their arrival in Haven.
Marissa was wearing stylishly (coughsluttilycough) tight white shorts that accented her glorious tan perfectly, and a sporty ribbed halter top that was oh-so-cute, and so many bangles you'd think her hands would fall off, and strappy white heels with dainty sparkles at her toe. Just for good measure, she had an enormous emerald amulet on a silver chain around her neck. And her hair, by the way, shone very prettily in the green sunlight. Since they're now in a green-sunned world, the author has decided that Marissa's hair is, sadly, no longer comparable to sunbeams.
Mandy was in a tiny red sundress with tiny white bows at the shoulders and a low neckline that accentuated her breasts, which were a reasonable DD. White bows similar to the ones on her dress had appeared in her hair, and her feet perched atop white platform sandals, both of which, for the sake of Mary Sue-ism, had gigantic ruby amulets on them.
Alicia's clothes hadn't changed at all. Her hair was still an unremarkable mess, and she was still dressed dully in dark grey jeans that were only tight because they wouldn't stay up otherwise, a dark green tank top with an eagle motif across where her breasts should have been, and a too-big black sweatshirt that hung loosely from her shoulders, masking that tiny bit of figure that marked her as both a teenager and as a female. The pride and joy of her day-to-day ensemble, however, had changed slightly -- her knee-high lace-up boots, which were mostly hidden beneath her jeans anyway, were cleaned of their numerous scuffs. Alicia wouldn't find out about this until much later.
"Oh my God," Alicia said suddenly, paling slightly.
"OMG wat is it," Marissa said, gently attempting to correct her "friend's" improper usage of a phrase that "should" have been abbreviated.
"I just realized..." Alicia gulped dramatically (she was trying to get her ditzy companions scared -- it wasn't working). "We're Mary Sues."
"Wai sugoi kawaii!" Mandy squealed. "I've liek always wnated 2 b jsut liek her in Spider Man!111!1!1!ohgodnomore"
Marissa sighed dramatically and rolled her eyes. "Taht's Mari Jane u idot."
"Oh my God," Alicia was still saying, sinking into her own little world. "We're Mary Sues. I'm a Mary Sue. Oh God I'm a Mary Sue! I don't want to be a Mary Sue! I don't want to!"
Mandy tore herself away from her Mary Sue/Mary Jane confusion to ask, "Wut r u tlakin abuot?"
"I can defy my fate! I can! I will! I will defy my fate!" Alicia was saying, almost chanting it. "I don't have to be a... oh, sheeyit."
For a moment, everything stopped, even the sun, which hesitated for a moment before deciding to return to illuminating the planet below it. The three girls, despite their distractions, had noticed a door nearby opening, and people coming out. The newcomers to Haven stood entranced, watching the three people standing and talking seriously.
"He's... so... hot," Marissa said.
"OMFG liek I kno HAWT" Mandy agreed.
Alicia just gaped. "Not... Sue..." she whispered.
"d00d dont look at him!" Marissa screamed in both of their ears. "He's mine!"
"But I wnat teh 1 w/tattoos!" Mandy whined.
"Oh," Marissa said, smiling brightly at her friend. "Good, cuz liek I wuz tlaking abuot teh blodn 1." She turned on Alicia. "Dnot look him!"
"...Uh?" Alicia blinked. Clearly her companions had not noticed where her eyes had been. "No, you two go ahead and be Sue-ish." She looked back at the object which had held her attention. "It seems my very nature is defying my apparent fate."
Tess glanced up, distracted from Jak and Torn's conversation by a strange earless girl who seemed to be staring at her ass.
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Hmm, that seems like a good place to end this chapter. What, were you hoping it'd be a one-chapter thing, and that'd be the end of it? Gee, I'm sorry. Alas, this story is officially to be continued.
I'm having far too much fun. >D Ah, and if anyone feels like chatting, my AOL screenname is "blue eco addict". Mmmmm, eeecoooo...