And now the night is here

Now I can make believe he's here

~Les Miserables

The Evil Queen goes to the one place in town she's been avoiding. The one place she's not sure if she can face. The one place where she won't feel so alone.

This is 99% feels. I hate and kind of love myself for writing this.

I hope you find some kind of enjoyment out of this.

Unbeta'd- All mistakes are my own.

Disclaimer I do not own OUAT.

TW- Allusions to child abuse, neglect; marital abuse, rape. Nothing specific but a warning for you all,

The Queen thought she knew what it meant to be alone. She had after all been alone all her life. Alone when she was a little girl- her mother forbidding her to talk to anyone else. You're better than them Regina. Alone in a world that was bigger than she could ever imagine- the person who had promised to show her the way nothing more than a pile of ash, his heart- and hers crushed in front of her. Alone and trapped in a loveless marriage-except she wasn't truly alone. Oh no she was wherever the King wanted to be- paraded around like an animal, warming his bed. It was the one time when she truly longed for the familiar ache of loneliness. It was better than the hell she was living. Alone when the Queen died, the Evil Queen taking her place. Now she was truly alone- everyone hated her, including herself. The loneliness overwhelmed her when she squeezed her father's heart- she hated herself, she wanted it all to end, and she didn't want to go. She had just killed the one person that was always there for her. She never knew what being alone until she destroyed him. She remembers the days before she got Henry- when the ache in her chest burned. The emotional pain, almost physical- tearing her apart. A void that she didn't believe that could be filled.

Then Henry came along and she felt like she could breathe again. Her heart was broken, blackened to the core, but at least it was beating. It was the hardest thing she had ever done. She was ready to give up- the screaming, the constant crying seemed like an indication that some people that she was never meant to be a mother. Still sitting in the office of the adoption centre she realised she couldn't go back to being alone. That she loved the little babe with everything in her soul. That he could make her happy and she could provide him with a happy ending- just like she'd always dreamed of. He would be her little prince- so brave and strong and smart.

It was ten years later when she realised that she was just like her mother. That she was always going to be alone. It was the day the infuriating blonde arrived in town, clad in a hideous red leather jacket and all awkward smiles like she didn't know she was ruining the best thing that had ever happened in her life. Miss Swan would have to disappear. She couldn't hurt her son though. He meant to much to her. Her pettiness got in the way. She was scared. She couldn't live without him. It may sound unhealthy- it probably was but the bond between a mother and a child is unexplainable. Henry was her little prince and all she wanted was his love. She was scared with the arrival of Emma that her happy ending would shatter as it usually did. Ten years was some kind of record though, she had been waiting for everything to crumble around her.

Amazingly she wasn't alone- she had a family. It was a little crazy and sleep deprived but it was more than she had ever imagined. She found it baffling that the people she had tried to destroy not only forgave her but accepted her into their homes, family. Snow was one of her biggest confidents- she was still annoyingly optimistic, much like her charming husband. Miss Swan, Emma was now her friend and she found herself wondering what life was like without the woman in her life- she would never understand her fondness for leather though, or the death-trap. Even the pirate grated on her less- the eyeliner was unnecessary though. Henry was no longer little, although she wished he was, instead he was a grown young man- with a heart of gold. The thief, oh she didn't know where to start, he had captured her heart without her realising. He smelled of forest and almost managed to out sass her. He was there reassuring her, a simple hand on the shoulder, a smile across the room. She never thought she'd have this. A future.

Perhaps it was the promise of a future that meant this even harder. Maybe it's because she never got to say Goodbye. It could have been because she was ripped out in a moment of grief, of unimaginable pain. All she knew is that this time she was more alone than she had ever felt before. She had no one not even herself. Everything she knew, every she believed in, everything she had hoped for, had disappeared. Her family were trying to find a way to destroy her. Of course they didn't see her as part of the family- she was nothing more than the Evil Queen, a monster. Robin was gone- obliterated. Henry her own son wouldn't listen to her. She could see the conflict in his eyes- like he wanted to believe in her but something was stopping him. Like he didn't want to be, couldn't be hurt by his mother.

There is something so cruel, almost taunting about a gravestone-it's a reminder of what could have, should have been. It offers a false sense of permanence. It's the closest you can be to them in this world, yet they're still a world away. You go there knowing it won't be enough, but also knowing that it's the only place that will make sense in a world that keeps on turning without you, without them.

She could pretend that she didn't know why she was here. That would be a lie. She needed to feel alive. She needed him. He had seen past her moniker before- she remembered how her heart had leapt when he reassured her that she was the furthest thing from a monster. Still part of her feared he would chose Regina; she was after all the better half, the hero.

She didn't think about her now. She needed time alone with him. She let herself cry- there was no need to be strong now. She could never lie to him. She could swear she felt his gentle touch wipe away the tear. It was just a cruel trick of fate.

"I know love is weakness, that it only brings you pain but I miss you. I miss you and I love you."

She whispers it, why she's not quite sure; the only thing that can hear is the wind.

She hears a familiar voice, one that bears no judgement only sadness, regret almost- "Regina I'm really sorry"

No no no this couldn't be happening. He couldn't be here. He was dead. His soul was destroyed. She knew that life was harsh- by gods she knew that but this was a special kind of torture- hearing his voice, like he was there.

She couldn't help the broken sob that escaped as she replied "Why are you sorry"

"I did the one thing I swore I'd never do- I left you "

"It wasn't your fault- it was mine- I knew Villains didn't get happy endings"

"Look at me your majesty"

So she did.

She felt a warm handprint on her heart, she looked to see the eyes she dreamed of- eyes that she could spend her whole life gazing into, felt the ghost of his lips on hers. The kiss soft and sensual, full of desire, longing, loss, promises of more. It wasn't real she knew that, but just for one moment they were together.

"I'm going to try and remember you like this" she begged it would be enough, whilst knowing it wouldn't

"Like what?" he questioned

"With love in your eyes"

It was then she realised what she should have done a long time ago. She realised the meaning of goodbye. Goodbye is a moment of pause, a break in the story. Goodbye is a see you later, when it's time for our hands to be held once again, when our hearts will be joined the way our souls always have been. Goodbye for the thief and the Queen is page XXIII. It's the missing page, the one that offered so much hope. The part of the story they never got to tell.

Please let me know what you thought.