Okay, so a lot of you were wondering about a sequel to "Lips of an Angel" (a happier one, if I recall. LOL) but I have decided to not write a sequel to that story, because I think it ends on a somewhat sad note, but I think that it is an appropriate ending (and I don't have any will in me to write a fluffy ending to it). HOWEVER, I was listening to this song and found the lyrics completely fitting for something from Lindsay's perspective. SO, you are reading a companion one-shot to "Lips of an Angel". This takes place right before Lindsay calls Danny (so, it would help if you read the other story first). Anyway, I thought that you might enjoy this – just letting you know, it's borderline angst, just like "Lips" was, so consider this your warning. Other than that, read and enjoy please. Disclaimer: I do not own these lyrics or Linda Eder, or the musical The Scarlet Pimpernel (from which these lyrics come). And I do not own any CSI:NY characters. Darn. There are basically spoilers for throughout seasons 2 and 3, so…yeah.
"When I Look At You"
When I look at you
What I always see
Is the face of someone else
Who once belonged to me
Lindsay sat on her bed, cradling her head in her hands with tears running down the side of her face. She sniffed and rose from her sitting position, heading towards her bathroom. Crickets chirped in the late night air as Lindsay looked at her reflection in the mirror. Dark chocolate eyes stared back at her, hollow and sullen. She glanced at her tear-stained face for a moment more before splashing cold water on it, attempting to wash away her sorrow. She had broken up with Alex. But that was not the reason why she was crying.
She broke up with Alex because she was reminded of him.
Every time she saw Alex's face, she was reminded of the face of Danny Messer. Alex bore no resemblance to the New Yorker whatsoever, and yet – and yet, she could not get rid of Danny from her mind. She dried her face off and moved slowly into her living room, listening to the sounds of the music that the night offered to her. She was back in Montana, having left. She had to leave…she just had to. And she didn't know what had driven her to return to her home state, but something deep inside of her had stirred and, there she was, on a couch at 11 o'clock at night – listless, anxious, and torn.
Still I can hear him laugh
Even though that melody plays on
He's gone
He was gone, plain and simple. After she had left New York for good, she had heard his laughter ringing in her ears for months. He had the kind of laugh that was sweet and gentle, yet playful at the same time. She could scarcely believe that even though he was gone from her life that she still heard his laugh, after all this time.
And a tear slid down her cheek at the thought of him. She missed him – that was it. She missed him, but she dared not utter the reason. No, she could not bring herself to admit it. Lindsay wiped the tear away and lied down on her couch, staring up at the ceiling. No, it was impossible to have felt that way – she could not…no, she simply could not…especially not after leaving him. But something tugged at her heart and she tried her best to ignore it. Something was melting her hardened heart. She was missing him. Ah, that was it. She missed him.
When I look at you
He is standing there
I can almost breathe him in
like summer in the air
It had been summer when she first met him. Whenever she looked at Alex, no matter how hard she tried, she could not get rid of the image of smirking Danny Messer. The tiger cage, she remembered with a smile, still staring at her ceiling, the tiger cage! That was where she had first met a man who infuriated and yet interested her. He had been quite annoying to her, that first day, she remembered, still smiling. Lindsay let out a little laugh. But she had impressed him. Yes, he had admitted that earlier. He had watched her from across the hallway in the lab on that first day. He was curious about her, and she was equally curious about him. She wanted to impress him. She wanted him to look at her as his equal – his partner – not someone who had replaced Aiden Burn. She desired, more than anything, to be accepted by him. And, as she thought about him from her couch in Montana, her smile faded slowly.
But he was gone. It was true – he was gone from her life. Like a flash of lightning that touches the ground briefly, he had touched her life. And like lightning does to the ground, he had left his mark. And now, that scar from him was all she had – it was her only reminder of the man that she…the man she…
No, she couldn't bring herself to even think about it. He didn't feel the same way. If he had, he would have waited for her, he could have chased her down to the airport and onto the plane. He could have told her…she wanted to hear him say it more than anything else in the world. Oh, but he was gone, plain and simple. He was gone.
Why do you smile his smile?
That heaven I'd forgotten eases through,
In you
Alex had a beautiful smile. He had dark hair and brilliant green eyes. And Lindsay had dated him for quite a while, before she realized what she was doing. He was a wonderful man, she knew. And he would make someone else very happy. But he could not make her happy. There was one person who could do that, she thought. And he was in New York.
But Alex's smile was beautiful, she knew. Yet, every time she watched him light up, she was reminded of how Danny's face would light up, whether he was smirking, with one corner of his mouth raised higher than the other. She loved his smirk, that was certain. She loved the way his entire face would light up when he smiled. And she remembered how much she loved his smile when she looked at Alex. He was her constant reminder of Danny.
If you could look at me once more
With all the love you felt before
If only, she thought, still staring up at her ceiling in contemplation. If only there was a way to rewind what was. She wished more than anything, more than life, that she could see his face again, and that he would look at her the way that he used to. She knew what it meant when he smiled at her – he was pleased with her. He was proud of his Montana. She had cracked a clue, she had gotten a suspect to fold – he looked at her that way, with proud awe. And then, he looked at her solemnly – when he met her eyes and his gun and badge were stripped from him. But there was one moment in time where she knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that there was love in his eyes.
It was when she had gone undercover and he had rushed in. She remembered hearing him call her name, and she knew – she knew at that moment that he had come to save her. He cared about the hostage, no doubt, but Flack had made sure that she was alright. No, Danny had come to rescue her. He had wanted to hold her and protect her, and make sure that nothing ever happened to her. When he wrapped his arms around her, she felt herself begin to melt in his embrace. She was safe – she was finally safe, after all of these years – after all of the pain and trauma, there, there was her one moment of safety. And he pulled back and looked into her eyes. And it was then that she saw the look that flashed before his blue eyes. I never want to leave you. I never want anything to happen to you, because…because…
Because he loved her.
And he drew her once again into his arms, safely.
If you and I could only dance into the past She would have never taken her eyes away from him on that day if she had known. If he had told her, she would have stayed in his embrace forever. But he had never told her that he loved her. She could read it in his eyes, yes, but she wanted to hear it from him. But she was scared, and she was terrified of her past – that is why she rejected him when he had asked her out. She was terrified that he didn't feel the same. And her past – oh, her terrible, haunting past – had come back and hit her full force. Its weight had her pinned down underneath it. And he was standing there in the hallway, she could see him. He was standing there with disappointment in his eyes. And she had walked away.
And find that love we knew
I'll never take my eyes away from you
When I look at you
He is touching me
I would reach for him
But who can hold a memory?
Who can hold a memory? She had asked herself this many times when she curled up to sleep in her bed. She wanted him to hold her again. She wanted him back with her. But those were memories. Memories would not keep her warm at night. His promises, his smile, his laugh – they were all etched into her memory. She did not care about them though, for they could not comfort her when she was afraid, or soothe her spirit when she was worn. She wanted him. And when she looked into Alex's eyes, she was really thinking about Danny. She was thinking of the ways that he had touched her life, whether he knew it or not. He had been annoying at first, yes, but she had fallen for him. She had fallen fast and hard, and like a roller coaster ride, she had taken every bump and every drop as it had been dealt to her. She knew him inside and out, and he knew her the same. But still, she wanted to reach out for him – oh, but he wasn't there. She had flailed her arms desperately, crying, drowning. Where was he? She needed him. She needed him. But she had pushed him away. She had run away. She was gone. And so was he.
And love isn't everything She sat up and stared at her bedroom. Her bed was bathed in pale moonlight, which cascaded from the window gently. And love, she thought, and love was the word that made her tremble inside. She had never experienced true love until…until…
This moonlight on the bed will melt away someday
She breathed a sigh.
She had never experienced true love until she met him. Yes, she admitted it – she wanted to scream it to the world. I love him! I love him! But she could no longer find the words to say it. He was with someone now – her name was Meghan, she had been told. And he believed her to still be with Alex. Oh, and Alex was fine – she liked him from the first moment she saw him. She was drawn to him. He was safe, and predictable. But he was caring and Lindsay knew that.
The moonlight on her bed would be gone. Just like he was. Just like Danny was.
Oh, you were once that someone
Who I followed like a star
She had been drawn to him, and she didn't quite understand why. But she was attracted to him. Was he safe? According to the rumors that she heard about his reputation, he was far from safe. He seemed to be the playboy type – the one who was out for nothing other than a good time. But she was still drawn to him, like a moth to the light. He was smart, she knew. And as she grew to know him well, she realized just how smart he was. He was annoying – yes, he was annoying. But she loved that about him. She loved that he could make her laugh, or brighten up her day. She loved how sentimental he could be at times. She loved that he left a flower for her when she was feeling upset. She loved that he chased her out of an interrogation room. He was concerned. And she loved the way that he looked at her, with a sparkle from behind his blue eyes. She could have gotten lost in his eyes, many times…
And suddenly you changed
And now I don't know who you are
Or could it be that I never really knew you from the start?
But now, she thought, rising from her couch, now she did not know who Danny Messer was. She thought that he was someone who loved her. But he rarely called. He didn't write. She talked to Stella, to Flack, to Hawkes, to everyone. But not to him. She hadn't had a decent conversation with him since she left New York. And why did she leave? Did she even know the reason? No, Lindsay thought to herself. No, I don't even know why I left. She remembered telling herself that she had to leave. Oh, but why? She couldn't remember. Was it because of him? She stopped in her tracks and stared out her window. Yes, it was because of him. It was because he had affected her so much. He had loved her. And she had…she had…she had loved him. She had fallen in love with him, and then pushed him away. Ah, and so she left. She ran away.
Did I create a dream?
Was he a fantasy?
Was Danny really in love with her? She asked herself this on the airplane ride from New York to Bozeman. She knew that she had loved him, but had he ever loved her? She had left a letter – a letter that explained everything. Had he read it? Had he cared? She didn't know the answer to those questions. Had she created Danny Messer to be a perfect man? No, she knew that he wasn't perfect, of course, for she certainly was not perfect either. But did she create a fantasy, a hope for a future with him? Ah, yes – she had done that. She had thought about him, and had wondered what it would be like to be with him. She had created the idea in her mind. And had he fallen short of her expectations? She could never answer that, for she had never dated the man. And she left. Yes, she left and returned to Bozeman permanently.
Even a memory is a paradise for all the fools like me
Now remembering is all that I can do
A tear slipped down her cheek again as she walked into her bedroom. She choked back sobs. She had fallen in love with the memories. She was fool, she thought. Lindsay Monroe was a fool. She had loved the memory of Danny Messer in her life. She loved the person, yes, she loved Danny. But he could not be anything to her anymore. She had broken up with Alex – had explained to him the reason for her struggles. He had been understanding. She smiled to think of Alex. He was understanding. In a fit of rage she tossed her pillow across the room. Damn Danny Messer! She slunk down onto the floor in sobs. She loved him. She loved him, but she could not be with him. He was with Meghan, a woman whom he cared about. He didn't care for her, obviously. He had forgotten all about Lindsay Monroe the day that she left for Bozeman, or so she believed. He had not chased her down to the airport. He had not called. He did not write. He had forgotten all about her.
He was gone.
Because I miss him so
When I look at you
She missed him. She missed him terribly. She missed hearing his voice and she missed his laugh. But most of all – she missed the man that she had fallen in love with. She missed him. Once her sobs were under control, she sniffed and stared at the phone that was cradled in her hands. The clock on her dresser glowed. It was morning now. 12:03, to be precise, she thought. He would be sleeping. She stared at the phone for a moment, and then thought of Alex. Alex, she thought with a smile, was a nice man. Maybe she would find someone else like him, eventually. But the memory of Alex was erased, and there…there she saw his face once more. She missed him! Sniffing, she made her decision.
She dialed his number.
Okay, so yeah – ANGST! Woohoo. Haha. Well, I hope you all enjoyed that. I made Lindsay very thoughtful in this song. Gah, I LOVE this song because it is just so perfect for a companion story to "Lips of an Angel". I hope you all thought so too! Please comment and let me know what you thought of it!