Dear American Idiots,

I've been reading a bit of what you have to offer and frankly I'm not happy.

I am from a country called AUSTRALIA. That is not spelt USA. First off, I never went to college; I went to a fucking university, or uni, as it's called. Colleges are for fucking Americans. For House to have hired me, I must have gone to a pretty damn good one, which means I obviously went to University of Sydney, or Sydney Uni, where I majored in medicine. I did not stay in a dorm; I don't know what the fuck a dorm is, but I got to know the shithouse City Rail pretty damn well during my two hour morning commute. I never drove to uni. Not because I'm not rich, because I have more money than you could dream to earn in a fucking lifetime, but because there is no parking in Newtown or Redfern, which is where the fucking uni is.

I never attended middle school, nor did I attend elementary school. I started school when I was five in grade kindergarten, then I attended a primary school until year six. I then went to high school in year seven, where I had to wear a fucking uniform whether I went to a fucking private school or not. In year twelve I did a tiny little exam called the HSC, which was actually like, seven exams, and I got a UAI of 99.93, which means I beat fucking 99.93 per cent of the population of fucking New South Wales. Never heard of it? Look on a fucking map.

My so-called "summer vacation" growing up wasn't a lengthy three months from June to August. It was five weeks in January, plus a little December. Summer in my country is when you have your winter; use your fucking brains. And it absolutely smashes your summer. Live in Vegas? Think you got it hotter? Bullshit. Try living under a hole in the fucking atmosphere that's protecting the fucking earth. It bakes you alive. I'm a fucking Australian, and I'm a doctor, and I'm passionately opposed to tanning. I saw too many people in my uni days who had gone out for a tan and ended up with skin so burnt it was black, shut up in the hospital burns unit. So no, I'd never go to a fucking tanning salon with Cameron. Any tan I get is fucking spray.

Melbourne is not in Queensland. Melbourne is in fucking Victoria, get it through your thick heads. The capital is Canberra, not Sydney, contrary to American belief. I've never voted for a fucking Republican or a Democrat in my life and I don't have a president; I have a prime minister. I vote for the Liberal party or the fucking Labor party. The Liberal party is like your Republican party, whereas the Labor party is like your Republican party. In my country we vote too, except our votes are actually counted.

I never went to prom. I drive on the left side of the road, and when I came to America I also walked on the left side of the pathway, which meant I crashed into people. Characterization, people! And by the way, it's not anemia, it's not leukemia, it's not hemophilia. It's fucking anaemia, leukaemia and haemophilia, with the A's. House is a fucking idiot who can't spell to save himself.

I had my first legal drink at eighteen. I could have sex at sixteen and I signed my own medical consent forms at sixteen. I got my learner license at sixteen and a half, and I had to have yellow "L" signs next to my number plate when I drove. I had to drive with a parent for fifty hours, then I took a driving test and got my P plates at seventeen. Get it? I couldn't drive alone until I was seventeen, not fucking fifteen or sixteen.

I never needed medical insurance. That's what Medicare is for. Don't know what it is? Means the fucking government paid for my health care growing up. I didn't have some stupid sob story about my fucking alcoholic mother and absent father not getting me medical insurance so when I was hit by a car/fell down a cliff/broke an arm I couldn't get treatment. We have a fucking government to take care of that.

I've never wrestled a fucking alligator. They're from Florida, stupid. I've never wrestled a crocodile either, and Steve Irwin has screwed up my life by making everyone think I've done that shit. I've never seen a shark because they never come to beaches, and the only person I've met who has a pet kangaroo is the local fucking zookeeper.

When I moved to America I went via Los Angeles. There's not enough fucking fuel on a fucking plane to get a direct flight. I've never gotten any kind of disease that you can be vaccinated against because I wouldn't be allowed to leave the country without getting my shots. Plus I'm a fucking doctor, not a stupid conspiracy theory parent. Of course I'm gonna get my shots.

In my country there is no such thing as tapeworm, rabies, malaria, etc, because we have a fucking awesome quarantine system. House would have to bring a metal cane over, because he can't take in wood.

I never called my mother "Mom". I called her "Mum", with a fucking U. I've never said ain't and I sure as hell haven't said y'all. It's called a rubbish bin, not a trash can, it's called a biscuit, not a fucking cookie. A thong is a shoe, not underwear. If my mum were to have a heart attack I'd dial 000, not 911. What the fuck use is an ambulance service in Texas if my mum's over here dying? No fucking use at all. Use your head.

I hate pickles. All Australians do, except the weirdos. I don't add "mate" to the end of every sentence and I don't call girls "shielas". I have never said the pledge of allegiance.

So basically, do your fucking research. Australia is not spelt USA. I bother to come over here to your country and learn all you have to offer, you could at least try and learn mine when you go in there and try to dissect my life. Put some effort in or fuck off.

Sincerely,

Dr Robert Chase.