He was dying. This really was it. He could feel his body shutting down, his life slipping away, his mind letting go. The irony was his increased brain function was what was killing him – he was getting smarter, and he couldn't think of a way to stop it. His awareness drifted in and out: the beeping of machines, the voices…. Elizabeth, Sheppard, Teyla, Ronon, Carson – his friends. He'd done what he could to set things right. He hoped they knew what they meant to him; he had tried to show them. For a genius he could be a real idiot. He'd always used words as a weapon because he didn't know how to use them any other way….
'Rodney, you're a good person. Know that we love you.' Elizabeth. As intelligent as she was beautiful, she was one of the few people in the universe who commanded his respect and whose respect he craved in return.
What had she said? 'You love me? Really? All of you?'
'In the way a friend…feels about another friend.' Sheppard. The only one that was worse than him at expressing his feelings was Lt. Colonel John Sheppard, the brother he had never had.
'You're just saying that because I'm gonna die. Oh, God. I can't believe I'm going to die.'
Dr. Rodney McKay jerked awake, heart pounding as he tried to orient himself back into reality. He blinked in the darkness and concentrated until the lights came up. Sheppard always made that look so effortless every time they entered an unexplored lab…. As McKay's pulse began to settle, he realized he was in his quarters and heaved a sigh of relief. Almost dying took a toll on a man. He squinted at the clock – 8 hours? He'd been asleep for 8 hours? Must be a new record for him.
Rodney's first instinct was to shake off the recollection by sucking down a pot of coffee while working in his lab. But today he paused and let the memory play out in his head: Sheppard trying to help him ascend, the realization of how to reverse the process, trying to get Carson to understand how to actually reverse it, and then floating in a big black nothingness until waking up in that lab. His friends had seemed genuinely happy that he was alive. Ronon had even hugged him – Ronon, for God's sake. How weird was that?
Then Carson had hauled him back to the infirmary and run every test in his voodoo repertoire. Voodoo…. In a moment of brutal honesty with himself, Rodney recognized how completely unfair that term was for what Beckett did. Carson had worked tirelessly trying to save his life as he did every time he had to save McKay's life. And Sheppard's. And Teyla's. And Ronon's. Hell, everyone on Atlantis at some point or another had owed their life to Carson. The doctor had barely slept in days and had still apologized for not doing more to save him. The Scot was always the emotional one, but he had looked like he had lost his best friend as he had hooked Rodney up to the ascension monitor.
His best friend…. The fact that Carson Beckett was his best friend took him by surprise. Rodney had never really trusted people. They were simply a nuisance to him most of the time, and he had learned a long time ago that getting too close to people never turned out well. But he had discovered over the past few days, to his everlasting amazement, that he had made friends, even a best friend. Not that he would EVER admit it, especially to Beckett. But that peace he had found as he had faced his own mortality and fears was still with him. He smiled to himself as he rolled out of bed and headed to the shower.
As the hot water pounded on his skin, Elizabeth's words echoed in his mind, '…know that we love you.' How long had it been since he had heard those words? He knew he was bad with people; he'd even told himself that once. He allowed himself a small smile at the memory: 'petty, arrogant, and bad with people.' He'd never cared what people thought of him before, at least that's what he'd told himself. But he recognized the taste of that lie. He'd cared. Every taunt, every cruel joke, every laugh at his expense. He'd learned over the years to strike first and strike hard. If people were pushed away hard enough and quick enough, they wouldn't try to get close. In fact, they stayed away altogether. Better that than the alternative.
But his existence had slowly begun to morph into a life when he arrived in the Pegasus Galaxy. He first began to suspect that things would be different when then Major Sheppard threw him off that balcony. McKay had recognized a kindred spirit to his utter astonishment. Really, what in God's name did he have in common with an Air Force pilot who commanded Atlantis' military? A lot, as it turned out – a love of discovery, a fierce competitive spirit, a razor sharp wit, and a keen mind. Well, not in McKay's league of keen, but above average for the military in his point of view. No matter how much Rodney insulted Sheppard, the pilot just grinned and insulted him back. And then he had the audacity to ask McKay to join his team.
Rodney had originally agreed just to call Sheppard's bluff, but the major had hauled him out to the firing range to teach him to shoot instead. Sometimes the scientist was still surprised to be on a team. No one had ever wanted to work with him voluntarily. Yet here he was on a team with people who trusted him, depended on him, loved him.
Sheppard was family. OK, maybe the crazy uncle nobody talked much about, but still. Rodney snickered at the thought. Sheppard really was the brother he had never had. He'd lay down and die for John Sheppard. He knew Sheppard would do the same for him. And then there was Ronon - a man he really had nothing in common with, and yet the Satedan protected him like a mother hen, well, when he wasn't threatening to shoot him. And Teyla. Kind, gentle Teyla who could kill a man with sticks. They were his team, his family. He was loved.
How long had it been? Rodney turned off the water and grabbed a towel. Romantically, never. He'd had relationships before, but they hadn't lasted long enough to exchange that kind of sentiment. He sighed. Bad with people. As he began to dress, he frowned at the thought and concentrated. When was the last time someone had told him he was loved? He had never given it the slightest consideration. He and Jeannie hadn't spoken in years until recently. They were mending their relationship, but the rift with his sister hadn't healed to the point that she would say it, and he wasn't ready to say it yet either.
He pulled his uniform shirt over his head and stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. His dad? Oh, please. That was a laugh. Atlantis' Chief Scientist came by him inability to express emotion honestly. His mom? Rodney's frown deepened. Suddenly a memory flashed through his mind. He had been forced to summer at his grandmother's home once. He had been 11 or 12 at the time and definitely had not been interested in being shuttled off to spend time with an old lady he barely knew. But over the course of the weeks there, he found where his love of science originated. They had combed through museums and libraries for hours. She had bought him his first chemistry set and all the books he could read. He hadn't wanted to leave. As his father had loaded his bags in the car, his grandmother had held him close. "I love you so much, Meredith. Don't you ever forget that."
He felt his heart squeeze at the remembrance of her words. He had almost forgotten. But he had been loved, at least for that summer. And try as he might, he couldn't recall anyone else saying it since. Until yesterday. He knew he was to blame. He had been protecting himself, taking the coward's way out instead of opening himself up to potential abuse. He thought about Jeannie. They were so different. She hadn't closed herself off to the world. Perhaps he could take a page from her book. After all, he had people that cared about him. They said so.
He shook his head as he left his quarters and headed to his lab. He had a vague recollection of inventing a new math and hoped he could still decipher it since he was no longer a superhero. "I love you so much…." '…know that we love you.' Twenty-five years. The simple math shocked him. He vowed to himself that it would never be that long again.
The End.