"Matchmaking Madness"

An Oblivion Fanfiction by Psychochick52

Author's note: Howdy! First of all thanks to those of ya who favorited/reviewed my previous story. Here is another one. Again, thanks to my brother for editing. Also I don't own anything in this story Oblivion is Bethesda's property I'm just screwing around. Please don't be shy about leaving constructive criticism. Ok enjoy the story (or don't it's a free country). By the way if a line is in italics its a thought. Also, does anyone know how to make the breaks I put in the story stay there when I upload it?

"Is it me or has Haskill seemed depressed lately?" Sheogorath asked the guards in the throne room.

"No more than usual," the Mazken guard replied.

"Wait, you mean he has been upset for a long time?"

"I don't think I've ever seen him in a good mood," the Aureal said.

"Divines! He's been unhappy, and I didn't notice. Now I feel like a jerk." For a moment Sheogorath's face fell before perking back up. "I know! I'll do something to cheer him up! Do either of you remember Haskill mentioning what his hobbies are?"

Both guards considered the question before the Mazken spoke up: "Well, my lord, I don't recall Haskill ever talking about anything not related to his duties, and I doubt that aloof 'golden saint' would ever take time to converse with him."

Before the Aureal could reply Sheogorath blurted out, "What! Has he even mentioned a girlfriend?

"As far as I know Haskill hasn't been involved with either a woman or man."

"What kind of life is that? It's not much of a death either.

That's how I'll cheer ol' Haskill up; I'll get him a girlfriend or boyfriend. He's one of the few people who hasn't gotten in trouble for sexual harassment. How do I know what he's into or what he wants to be into?" Sheogorath considered the question for a few moments, got distracted, contemplated making a scamp barbershop quartet, remembered what he had been doing, and considered the question again.

"Maybe I need a different perspective. I know; I'll ask Syl to help me find a date for Haskill! Ta! Remember no fighting unless you sell tickets first." With that said Sheogorath teleported from the throne room.

Syl was wrapping up her inspection of the silverware for poison when she sensed another presence in the room. Reflexively, she threw her most powerful shock spell at her attacker while turning to face them.

"Lord Sheogorath, I'm sorry I… wait a second." Syl carefully looked over the man in front of her and cast dispel to make sure there wasn't an illusion. Satisfied that it wasn't an imposter, she continued, "Forgive me, my lord, I was afraid that you were an assassin."

"No problem, that's why I always cast a shield spell before I come to see you," Sheogorath responded. "Now, I need your help with a small problem; you see Haskill-"

"Has he discovered a traitor?" Syl interrupted.

"No"

"Is he going to betray us?"

"No, calm down... or don't. If you weren't paranoid, I'd get nervous. I just figured he must be lonely and thought I could set him up with a date."

"A date? Sir, with all due respect, do you realize how dangerous that is? They could use him to spy on us or kill us!"

"Does this mean you won't help me find someone he might like?"

Syl sighed, "If you insist on going through with your plan, I'll give you a list I made of everyone on the island I'm sure is trustworthy."

The two cautiously went to Syl's room. Once the Duchess of Dementia was sure there weren't any traps in her room, she went over to her desk. After sorting through the contents of her desk, she pulled out two large scrolls and a small scrap of paper.

"This one," she points to one of the scrolls, "lists the residents of Shivering Isles who are dangerous." Syl pointed to the second scroll, "This is the list of people under investigation. It would probably be wise to err on the cautious side and not associate with them. Lastly, this is the list of individuals that are trustworthy, for now." Syl hands the small piece of paper to Shegorath.

"Let's see, me, Haskill, Herdir, Kithlan, Anya, and Thadon's name appears to have been written and crossed out multiple times. That's it? These are the only trustworthy people? Kithlan and Anya are taken, Herdir scares Haskill, and he's not my type. He can't date you either; dating someone you have to work with makes things awkward. Very entertaining to watch but awkward for those involved. I mean look at you and Thadon…oops. Saying that when you're in the room is a bit rude; now I'm probably gonna be yelled at. Actually maybe I should stop vocalizing my thoughts and leave before I make things worse. Ta!" After saying that Sheogorath teleported from Syl's presence.

Thadon was in the middle of creating a new painting. He had been struck with inspiration for an incredible painting last night and had been working on it since then. "Now for some red and then some purple and … no wait… maybe I can cover that up…that just made it worse! Stay calm this can work out if I… what was I thinking?" Thadon looked at his work again, "No! No! No! It's ruined! Aargh, why can't I get it right?" Thadon picked up the canvas and threw it across the room.

"Hi Thadon I-"Splat! Sheogorath was cut off by the painting slamming into him.

"Lord Sheogorath, please forgive me!" Thadon exclaimed when he saw what happened.

"Whenever I visit you or Syl something is thrown at me!" Thadon got nervous at the tone of voice Sheogorath was using. "I wouldn't have it any other way!" He finished with a grin. Thadon sighed with relief.

Sheogorath looked down and noticed his clothes were half covered in paint. "Hmm, that's no good." He picked up the canvas Thadon had tossed at him and slammed it against himself until his clothes and face were completely covered in paint. "There we are! Now Thadon I need your help with-"

"That's it!" Thadon shouted.

"Who gave you permission to interrupt-"

"Sir, look at your clothes! They look incredible! That was the problem with my painting; it just didn't look right on a canvas. Now that I think about it a different body type might enable me to create a masterpiece."

"That's nice Thadon… wait is this going where I think it's going?"

"No sir, I'm not asking you to shapeshift; just get a blank canvas and some paint."

Thadon and Sheogorath spent several hours creating and throwing paintings at the residents of New Sheoth; until Thadon excused himself to take care of an appointment involving twenty other people, a donkey, and a large amount of felldew. As Sheogorath strolled out of Bliss he thought about how excited he was to show his art to Haskill, got distracted by a cat, and remembered why he had gone to see Thadon in the first place.

"Son of a… I forgot to ask him to help me find a date for Haskill… oh is that a scalon?"

Sheogorath stood outside a chapel laughing "I can't believe I'm doing this," he thought "a daedric prince asking a Divine for help! But, the other Daedra are pricks and if half the stuff the fanatics say is true then they are a good source for help."

Sheogorath cast an illusion spell so his eyes looked brown instead of yellow and entered the chapel.

"Excuse me, how do I speak to Mara?" he asked a priest on duty.

The priest regarded the paint covered man curiously before replying "Umm… you pray."

"Not that I mean like when people want to talk to me… I uh mean daedra they make an offering at a shrine then the daedra speaks with them."

"Sir, the Nine Divines don't work that way."

"Do I need to make an appointment?"

"You can't speak with them directly" the priest replied trying not to lose his patience.

"What? How do I ask for help then?"

The priest sighed "Well you pray to them and you shall be rewarded for your faith."

"How?"

"Well for example they may grant you wisdom or-"

"I don't need wisdom, I need to get Haskill laid!"

The priest took a deep breath before answering "Sir Mara doesn't help with such petty matters."

"How can a patron of love think this is petty?"

"Well if your friend is as … charming as you I sincerely doubt any of the Nine Divines would want to be involved."

Now some people would assume Sheogorath would respond to such rudeness by destroying the chapel. In truth, he did consider it but decided it would be an overreaction to the situation. He did however, rip out the priest's pelvis and beat him to death with it. When he left the chapel a large fireball fell out of the sky and struck him. "Odd I figured the weather was too cool for that" Sheogorath thought.

"Well I didn't want to do this but I'm running out of ideas" Sheogorath thought as he opened a portal to Clavicus Vile's realm. He found Vile toying with a sword while his hound looked on.

"Hey Vile… oh a doggy!" Sheogorath stopped talking and started petting Barbas.

"Sheogorath what are you doing here… and why are you covered in paint?"(Actually, a good question since the fireball should have burned it all off) Vile asked annoyed by the appearance of his fellow Daedric Prince. Sheogorath didn't answer because he was still preoccupied with Barbas.

"Hey! Pay attention!"

"Who's a good doggy?"

"Sheogorath!"

"Huh? Oh hey Vile!"

"Are you just here to annoy me or do you have a legitimate reason for being here?"

"Who wants a belly rub?"

Vile growled "Hound please leave so Sheogorath can hopefully focus" Barbas disengaged himself and took off glad to be getting away from Sheogorath.

"Aww I like dogs"

"Why are you here? Answer me, now!"

"Well I need help with a problem."

"A problem? Trust me when I say you have more than one problem."

Sheogorath rolled his eyes before continuing "Well you remember my chamberlain, Haskill? Well he's been depressed lately."

"Gee I wonder why." Vile cut in sarcastically.

"Stop interrupting me! Do it again and I'll impale you with your femurs!" Sheogorath returned to a calm tone of voice "Well I figured Haskill would cheer up if I got him a date but, I have no clue where I can get him one or even what his type is. So I need your help."

"Sheogorath I think I need to explain something: you just barged into my realm, annoyed me, threatened me, and I tend to find you annoying in general."

"And?"

"Considering those things do you really think I would waste my time helping you with some hair brained scheme that will more than likely end in disaster?"

"Even if I said please?"

Vile massaged his temples before responding "Just get out of here before I hurt you"

"Can I see the doggy again?"

"Get out now!" Vile shouted and tossed his sword at Sheogorath, stabbing him in the face.

"Ok ,ok, sheesh! Who throws a sword anyway?" he grumbled as he pulled the sword from his face and left.

Haskill walked through the palace nervously. It had been several hours since he had been summoned. For most, this would be a welcome break but not for Haskill. He knew that when things were relatively quiet for too long it meant Sheogorath was planning something, something that usually ended with excessive property damage, loss of life, or dignity. Thus far he had found Syl doing a "spy check." When he tried to speak to Thadon, he got a wet canvas slammed into him. This would have been tolerable if he was able to wash his face without being yelled at for ruining a masterpiece. He decided to go check if he had been seen at any of the island's settlements.

The realm of Sanguine, as usual, looked like there had just been a party of epic proportions, and the maid decided "screw it" (in fact the maid was passed out between a mountain of empty bottles and a very traumatized and resentful goat). Sheogorath found the hedonistic Daedra Prince sleeping with a partner he was sure looked better last night.

"Hey, Sanguine! Wakey! Wakey!" Sheogorath shouted, but all he got in response was a loud belch. "Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!" Sheogorath chanted while jabbing Sanguine with his staff. All he got for these efforts was Sanguine mumbling in his sleep. Sheogorath cast a spell on his staff to make it as heavy and hard as a war hammer before he shouted "wake up" and struck Sanguine.

Sanguine awoke with a yelp and rubbed his head. "Ugh, why is my head pounding? I don't get hangovers" he grumbled.

"Oh, um, well, uh…" Sheogorath stammered while hiding his staff behind his back.

"Oh hey, it's Shoggoth," Sanguine slurred as he turned to face him. "Hey, am I hallucinating or are you pretty colors?"

"It's just paint… though the two aren't mutually exclusive. Now I need your help"

"Glad to help, greenmote fairy"

Sheogorath smiled, glad he finally found someone willing to help. "Well ya see I'm looking for a date for Haskill. Do you know where I can get someone good?"

Sanguine snickered, "You wanna date Haskill? Just get 'im some flowers or somethin'."

"No, I don't want to date him; he's not my type, too sane. I want to find a date for Haskill."

"You want a date, well this fine lady is… whoa hambeast! Did I sleep with an ogre again?"

Sheogorath sighed "Sanguine, I said a date for Haskill not me!"

Sanguine started laughing

"What's so funny? Is it a joke? I like jokes."

"You said Haskill isn't your type, that means there are men that are your type which means you're gay," Sanguine managed between laughs.

"One, I'm bi, not gay. Two, are you going to help me, or am I wasting my time?"

"Hey, she-o-goth got any greenmote? It's funny 'cause I called you she and o and goth."

"I'll give you some greenmote if you help me!"

"Help you? What do you need help with?"

Sheogorath sighed, took some greenmote out of his pocket, spat on it, and threw it on the ground. "At least Thadon sobers up now and then," he grumbled. "Ah well at least nothing was thrown at me."

"Knife throwing contest! Winner can either have their soul back or a week's worth of beer!" Sanguine announced. Knives started to be thrown in every direction.

"Ouch! I was using that lung!" Sheogorath yelled when a knife hit him in the chest. Several more throwing knives were embedded in him. "That's it! I'm setting my staff from stun to Wabbjack!" Three ducks, two squirrels, a camel, and a liger later, Sheogorath teleported out of Sanguine's realm deciding he would just try and find a date on his own.

Haskill was starting to panic. Sheogorath hadn't been seen anywhere on the island since he and Thadon decided to "paint." The last time he had been gone this long he ended up going to another dimension and causing the assassination of someone named John F. Kennedy. Haskill's stomach growled; he had been so busy searching for Sheogorath and trying to keep the inhabitants (relatively) calm that he hadn't eaten all day. He decided he didn't want to face whatever Sheogorath had done on an empty stomach so he went to the kitchen. Just as he had sat down with some food he felt the familiar tugging sensation that always came when he was summoned. Haskill ended up landing on his butt in what appeared to be a dungeon.

"Haskill! I'm glad you made it," Sheogorath greeted cheerfully.

"What have you been up to all day, sir?" Haskill asked deciding it was best to just find out what he needed to do for damage control.

"I've been trying to put together a surprise for ya… and I might have made a few side trips to make friends as well."

Alarm bells went off in Haskill's head. "A surprise sir?"

"Well I thought you seemed a bit gloomy lately, so I decided to fix you up with a date."

Haskill became visibly tense "Let me guess it's an ogre."

"No."

"A goblin?"

"No."

"A troll?"

"No! Sheesh man give me some credit."

"So my date is human?"

"Elf."

"Alright so far so good." "It's not that Bosmer you met in Skingrad is it?"

"It's a Dunmer, but yeah we're in Skingrad."

Haskill relaxed a bit; while he wasn't much for dating it sounded like Sheogorath had made a (semi) sane decision. "I guess I'll go along with your plan sir."

Sheogorath turned around and called out "Come on in, don't be shy!"

"So what's her name?"

"Actually, I'm not too sure. Everyone I spoke to just called her The Pale Lady." As Sheogorath spoke the aforementioned pale lady entered the room. Haskill saw right away that she was a vampire

"You've got to be kidding me."

The Pale Lady bared her fangs and tackled Haskill "Aaahhh!"

"Whoa she's forward! Well I'll give you two some time to get acquainted. Ta!"

"No! Wait! Come back! Ack! Someone help!" Haskill yelled as he struggled against The Pale Lady.

The next day Sheogorath sat at his throne trying to balance his staff on his nose (for those of you keeping track, yes, he is still covered in paint).

"So, how did the plan to get Haskill a date go?" the Mazken guard asked.

"Well I found him a woman I thought would be nice, but he returned this morning beaten up and complaining about losing a large amount of blood," he sighed. "I think my plan to cheer him up backfired. Haskill seems even more depressed today." Sheogorath thought a moment before he had another idea, "Maybe a pet would cheer him up."