AN: This is not my usual fare. It was an experimental piece that grew into a full story.

This story contains magic cock and was inspired by (but does not particularly adhere to) Alpha/Beta/Omega tropes. In this story both Emma and Ruby are magically given male genitalia and Regina and Zelena go through a magically induced "heat".

Prologue

February blew into Maine with two feet of snow and single-digit temperatures. Granny's switched from salads and ice cream to soups and chilli. Grumpy and Dopey fired up the snow plow and salt truck. Marco couldn't keep snow shovels and sleds in stock. The school's boiler was sputtering along, twenty years overdue for a tune up. The cold was the town's main gripe, but there was a bright side to February. The dwarves had scraped the snow and ice away to reveal hearts and roses. Saint Valentine's Day was a corporate scheme. Rumpelstiltskin loathed it. Storybrooke, though, was a town that as built on love, so the day as celebrated as all but holy. The hearts and red roses reminded him of Cora, which was enough to sour any holiday. The damn woman was still making his life difficult, even from beyond the grave. Typical Cora.

"Hey, uh, Grandpa Gold?"

Speak of the Devil and her adopted grandson would appear. He sat aside his inventory list, actually glad for the distraction. "Hello Henry." It had been a wild few months. He had been a patient, a prisoner, banished and he had been the Dark One.

Now he was none of those. After all that had occurred he was lucky to still be a husband, and he was only barely that. Grandpa was such a simple word, but made him smile. Henry was the last living piece of Baelfire and he was precious to him. "Yes Henry?''

The boy leaned on the glass display case. He was scowling and though Rumpel would never say so out loud, he looked like Milah.

"Do you think Hook is my Mom's True Love?" From the tone of his voice, the boy was not pleased.

"You don't?" He hated Hook and had for centuries. That vitriol had not disappeared or lessened at all. Since the one handed sack of skin and scum had wormed his way into Emma Swan's heart, he had to tolerate him. He had to tolerate a lot of people and things now. He would rather turn them into snails.

Henry crossed his arms and he could see nature over nurture playing out right in front of him. He had seen his former apprentice with that expression countless times. Henry buffed an invisible spot on the glass with his sleeve, "He bought a ring, or stole it or whatever. He got roses and asked Granny to make a romantic dinner. He's going to propose." Henry shuddered, "I can't believe he is going to propose on Valentine's Day. It's like a crappy romantic comedy. Except he's gross and Emma isn't an idiot."

Hatred shot through Rumpel, like acid in his blood. Hadn't Milah been Hook's True Love? Wasn't that why she had run off with him? Disgusting piece of filth.

"She's too good for him. He's an ass."

He smiled a little, truth from the mouth of babes. He had spent a precious but small amount of time with Bae-Neal, but he could hear him in Henry's voice.

Henry picked up a snow globe from Disney World that had found a home in his shop. He shook it and watched the fake snow swirl around the tuxedo-clad mouse. "He threw Dad off in Neverland, kidnapped my Mom, shot Belle, stabbed you and plotted with Cora." He sighed," And that's the crap I know about. Not even counting the recent Dark One-Underworld stuff. I mean, really? He's her true love? He's not even trying. He only plays at helping because he wants in Mom's pants. He's a jerk, Captain Jack Sparrow without the charm. I know good guys aren't supposed to hate people, but I hate Hook."

Smart Lad. He was absolutely correct. Hook was a waste of greasy skin and if he was Emma Swan's True Love then he was an astronaut.

"So is there like a spell or a potion that can, I don't know, like prove it?" He put the snow globe down, "or better yet, disprove it?"

There were. He'd had to send away several townsfolk already. Those foolish or desperate enough to try to make a deal with had been asking for love potions over the past week and a half. He, better than anyone, knew the ins and outs of true love and it's magic. In fact, were he an academic and magic a recognized field of study, he would hold a PhD. He would be the premier expert on the matter. His work would be worthy of a Nobel Prize. This matter, though, was very simple. There were several routes they could take, but when it came to magic, the most direct route was usually the best. A simple hair test, much like the one he had used on Snow and David, would suffice.

"Do you have- "

Henry smirked and cut him off, "One of my Mom's hairs?'' He pulled two small ziplock lags out out of his pants pocket. One bag had several strands of long blonde hair and the other had a chunk of short black hair in it. "Figured you'd ask."

Well well, his grandson had been paying attention. Rumpel was a little impressed and more than a little bit proud. He held his hand out and Henry dropped the bags into his palm. That should have been it: a short, simple transaction. Something, though, caught his eye. He saw it in the beams of sun slanting through the window. It was small, insignificant and on any other day he wouldn't have noticed it. This, though, Rumpel immediately decided, was fate. A fine, short silky red hair. It settled on his forefinger and he couldn't help but smile. Only one person, one tiny human, in town could have such downy hair in that specific color: Zelena's spawn. Henry often babysat the little beast.

Now he could combine the Savior's and Pirate's hairs to show the lack-of-reaction, it would be easy. He had no doubt that Emma Swan was not Hook's True Love. He also knew that Milah hadn't been either. The only person Killian Jones loved was himself.

The baby's hair, though,held far more interesting possibilities. "Very good." He smiled and tried to keep his face passive so the boy wouldn't suspect anything untowards. "It goes without saying that this little transaction"

"Operation" Henry interrupted him again, "Grandpa. It's Operation Mate. Y'know because swans mate for life. I just want to make me that sure that he is the right mate."

He swallowed a cackle. Henry was another Mills apprentice in the making. He was going to be four for four. Henry was not only a particularly dedicated undergrad but a third-generation student. He would go far. His magical pedigree, by nature and nurture was Ivy League level.

"Well, let's keep Operation Mate top secret then, eh?"

Henry nodded, "That's a good idea. Both of my Mom's would lose it if they found out I was making a deal with you."

He laid his hand over his chest, "A deal? Oh Dear Boy, you wound me. This isn't a deal. We are partners in this. We are helping Emma." Help was a stretch, it was somewhat similar to help. It was the same sort of help that reluctant sky divers got. A quick shove out of the plane. It would be terrifying at first, but instinct would kick in. Destiny would take hold and everything would work out. True Love would act like a parachute. They could also plummet to the ground. It would be a spectacular display of stubbornness, denial and panic. Henry didn't need to know that, though. He thought he was doing the right thing. He also was trusting his grandfather.

Some would say his trust, his belief in good, came from his Charming genetics. Rumpel knew better. Regina had been the same way once: trusting, sweet and happily gullible. All children were, he supposed. Only a few special people, like Belle, stayed that way. They carried a positive outlook, a true belief in goodness, all the way through to adulthood. Despite everything Henry had been through in the last few years, he still believed too. He was a good boy, like Bae had been before everything had gone so very wrong.

"So how will we know it works?'' He was eager, bright eyed and excited to learn. Henry was like his mother, aunt and grandmother had all been, once upon a time.

"Oh, we'll know." Everyone would know. It would be the most non-villain related excitement Storybrooke had seen in years. "Leave it to me, Henry. I'm sure it will all work out."

It was only a half lie. Henry left happy so he didn't even feel particularly bad about the deceit. He would help Emma Swan finally see who her perfect mate was. Of course anyone with eyes could see that it wasn't the pirate. He had known for a long time. It was scrawled in the stars. It was obvious and he could not be the only one who saw it. Belle knew, and had for a long time. Though she said nothing about it, her small smile told him that she was waiting for it to play out. It was an excruciatingly long play, though. It had stretched across time, space and beyond. They'd traipsed through Storybrooke, Neverland, Alternate Universes and even in The Underworld. It defied the laws of time and good and evil, it was a fairy-tale story that no one had ever expected. The Evil Queen and the Savior, if Disney ever got their greedy little paws on it, they'd make billions. Those two were head-over heels in love with each other and too stubborn to admit it.

Though he loathed it, he did owe Regina a small boon after everything they'd been through. He hadn't been kind to her. He had co-opted her destiny and manipulated her since before conception. For Bae. Now? Bae's child was asking for help, and he would do as he asked. The Lad had asked for help finding his mother's True Love, and he did have two mothers. It was killing two chimeras with one stone.

As for Zelena... he didn't owe her a damn thing, but the blood magic would affect her too. The baby was too young for the spell to work on, so Rumpel wasn't worried about that. If he only had one of Regina's hairs, he would cut Zelena out of the situation all together. He did not. Regina had visited his shop and ensured that anything e'd collected over the years was gone. Though that had helped him in the long-run. Belle would not approve of his keeping samples of Regina's blood, hair and several vials of her tears on hand. It would have been awkward to say the least. He couldn't very well ask the boy for Regina's heir without tipping him off. No, this would be a buy-one-get-one-free sale; and people said he wasn't a kind businessman.

Yes, they didn't know it, but the Mills Girls were about to find their True Mates whether they were ready or not. The impending holiday was a little touch of poetry. It was a day all about love, after all.

Yes, this was it. He would even the score between himself and Regina. He would ruin Hook's life, grant an unwarranted favor to Zelena, and make Henry happy. He would show Belle that he was becoming a better man too, all in one show-stopping gesture. Somehow, he knew that Cora would hate it, which only made it more amusing for him. Yes, after this they might as well rename February 14th St Rumpelstiltskin's Day. Dark One or not, he always won in the end.