A/N: Hey there, people! First, I guess I'll thank you all for clicking on the link to my story. . .so yeah. Umm, I came up with this idea with my (best) friend Terradoll as we walked together to Wawa (which, by the way, if you don't have any around you, is a little neighborhood store with snacks, cigarettes, and other awesome crap). The conversation started with Terra-chan (that's right, Terra, I went there!) saying, "Yay! Wawa is the only place where you can buy a Philosopher's Stone!" and ended with me saying, "Haha, let's convince McDonalds to start selling Philosopher's Stones in their Happy Meals!" xD
So yeah, that's the origin of this super-crackfic! Enjoy and REVIEW!
After a day of trekking through a dense forest in search of the Philosopher's Stone, both Edward and Alphonse find themselves completely and utterly exhausted. Just to their luck, they find a small town on the edge forest and decide to rest there for the time being. Let us zoom into their current situation. . .
"Ugh, I'm staaaaarviiing!" the older Elric brother whined to his metal companion.
"Brother, we just stopped an hour back so you could rest and eat dinner! It's starting to get late," the taller yet younger man responded.
"We're getting close to town; can we stop there for the night? I might even be able to grab a snack." Ed pointed out.
Al sighed and gave into his exhausted partner, "Yes, brother. I guess we can continue our search tomorrow,"
The two eager brothers swiftly made their way into the tiny town. The sun was beginning to set, leaving behind a pleasant pinkish hue in the sky. A shadow of darkness slowly swept over the village inch by inch, soon leaving the brothers together in the dimly-lit town.
Ed spoke to his companion, "Let's go book a place in one on the local hotels; sound like a plan?" His brother nodded in response, so the blond boy reached out a gloved hand, which he used to drag his partner to the nearest decent-looking hotel.
The two boys took their good old time checking in and settling into their new environment, which happened to be a miniscule, cramped bedroom in one of the area's hotels.
The space wasn't that big at all, with only a wooden double-bed crammed in the corner with a nightstand by its side, a little brown dresser, and a chair shoved up against one of the walls. No better was the floor, which was also wooden and particularly creaky. Alphonse wasn't all that fond of the flooring; with every step he took it seemed the flooring would fall in and take him with it. Reasoning the weight of his bulky armor, he actually thought it might just happen. . .
Al's older yet shorter brother immediately flopped down on the cheap bed, which loudly squeaked under his not-that-heavy weight, "Al, I'm even hungrier than before! Can we please go grab something to eat?" Ed contorted his face into a super adorable puppy-dog like expression in attempt to win over the soft-hearted boy.
Al raised a heavy hand behind his head, skimming the surface of the back of his helmet and sheepishly responded to the blond, "Well, I guess we can get you just a little something to eat. . ." Ed smirked in triumph, and dragged Al (yet again) out of the tacky hotel.
Taking a quick look around, Ed easily spotted an interesting-looking restaurant only a few doors down from their hotel: a completely modern looking McDonalds (YES, I do know that McDonalds wasn't around back then, but this is a crack-fic, so whatever I say goes).
Ed shouted and pointed at the messy establishment, "What the hell is that thing? You know what, scratch that. I could really care less as long as they sell food," and so the midget-like Elric boy dragged his seemingly helpless brother up to the double-doors of the red building.
Of course the old-fashioned boys were not shocked at all by the technology of the shop's inside. The metal, modern tables and chairs, the shiny signs, the weird gadgets with food in them, and the odd uniforms on the employees they honestly gave little thought to. Instead, said Elric boys were focusing on the selection of food open to them.
"I think I'll have four piece chicken nugget meal with a small fry and medium Coke," Ed told Al, "So, what are you getting, Al?" he asked his brother.
Said tin man paused and told him, "Um, brother. . .I don't eat. Don't you remember?"
Ed blushed embarrassedly and coughed awkwardly, "Er, yeah; I knew that. You know I was just joking. . ."
If Al was alive right then and there, would have rolled his caramel brown eyes at his brother, "Right, of course you were,"
The older Elric brother stepped up to the vinyl countertop and glanced at the person on the other side. She (I think) was your typical ultra-ugly grandma type, complete with greasy gray hair, a prickly chin (wait, is that a beard? D:), and know-it-all demeanor. She asked in a monotone voice, "May I help you?" and Ed just nodded, stunned by the lady's ugliness.
It raised a caterpillar-like eyebrow (the "its" are directed towards the ladyat the counter and are on purpose, m'kay?) and glared at Ed. He finally cleared his throat and asked in a small, scared voice, "U-umm, I'll have a four piece chicken nugget meal with a small fry and medium Coke," The lady sinisterly smirked, and Ed looked even more terrified of the women. It disappeared into her grease-pit of a kitchen.
"I thought it was going to eat me!" Ed turned to his metallic suited brother, who was shaking in what was half disgust and half fear.
He responded, "I'm actually glad to be made of metal for once in my life! That way it can't eat me." Ed looked at his brother, the color beginning to return to his face, only for it to be drained away again as the monster returned with a bag in her hand. Ed handed it the money, and it handed over the bag, turning away from the creature so ugly that it was probably the origin of those "Yo Mama" jokes. The two Elric brothers took the table farthest away from the cashier monster, behind a wall so they couldn't see it.
The boy with braided hair muttered, "That thing almost made me lose my appetite." A quote that drew a chuckle out from Alphonse.
Ed took the meal out of the bag, only to discover that the lady had given him a Happy Meal instead of what he ordered. 'Stupid lady! Must've thought I was a kid because of my, because. . .' Edward didn't dare finish that thought, and ate his McNugget and fry meal in silence, without even looking at the most likely fail of a toy at the bottom of the bag (hehe, won't even admit that he's a small fry). Said meal didn't take more than a few measly minutes to devour, and so he walked over to the plastic smelly trash can and threw out the paper that his food had been delivered in.
Al said, "Come on Ed; let's go back to the hotel!" Ed nodded, and was about to exit the restruant when a bold sign caught his eye.
"Free toy in every Happy Meal! This month's toy: A REAL Philosopher's Stone with every meal! Be an alchemist and make all of your wildest dreams come true!" On the poster was some person in a State Alchemist Uniform, sporting a solid gold ring with a magnificent red jewel on top. Next to the person was a transmutation circle.
Ed screeched and pointed wildly at the sign, while punching Al's arm to gain his attention, "Al, look at the goddamn sign! There are freaking Philosophers Stones in every Happy Meal!" and with that, Ed zoomed over to the trash can, dragging the unfortunate Alphonse Elric over with him.
Ed shouted, "We have to dig through the trash and find our damn bag! We need that ring!" The enraged blond clapped his hands together, and the ugly brown trashcan top flew into the air, along with all of the junk in the can. Ed laughed madly, swimming through the trash to find the Philosopher's Stone he'd thrown out, or anyone's for that matter. After a second of staring at his insane brother, Al decided to help out, too.
"What the hell have you done to my restaurant? Why's all of this shit laying around here!" the steaming (and still ugly) cashier hopped over the counter, screeching like a banshee at the boys in front of her.
Ed yelled at her, "I threw out my damn Happy Meal toy and I want it back! Get me another one!" Ed clapped his hands together, and dangerous looking knife appeared in his hands.
Still, the lady voiced her clear response back to him, "No way in hell am I giving you another damn toy; not after what you did to my shop!"
Edward Elric clenched the knife in his white gloved hands, and let out a battle cry, holding the weapon above his head and lunging at the women in front of him, pinning her to the ground.
The clerk screeched at him, looking scared for her life (and rightfully so), "We're all of damn toys, you moron!" Ed, blinded by fury, took the knife, and drove it into the women's neck. It cut clean threw it, slicing swiftly through her windpipe and ending her life. The sick blond boy smirked at his handiwork, up and left.
The Elric brothers deserted the town in the morning, as per usual. They checked out of their hotel room, gathered their belongings, and left. Al still looked scared out of his mind, thanks to the violent side of Ed that had been displayed to him the previous day.
"B-brother, do you think that they'll find you? The police, I mean. . ." Ed sighed and shook his head.
The older brother held up his hands to the sky and said, "It's all about the gloves, brother; it's all about the gloves."
And after that "little incident" the two blondie brothers continued on their quest to find the Philosopher's Stone.
Their next stop: The nearest McDonalds, before the end of the month.
Goal: Get a Philosopher's Stone without killing any more employees. . .
A/N: REMEMBER, this is a crack-fic. The super OOC Ed was meant to be there, so no stupid flames about that, please. Oh, and this is what happens when I of all people write a fanfic at one in the morning.
Question: Would you go to McDonalds if they had Philosopher's Stones as toys (of course I mean REAL and working ones, not cheap fake stuff)? I sure as hell would! Tell me why or why not in you REVIEW!
Please: REVIEW!
Please don't: FLAME!
Love you all! :D