It was a sunny day out, birds were chirping, the smell of barbecues wafted through the air, and it was as if life was mocking Kendall. Today out of all days it should have been raining. It should have been dark, storming, raining, bleak and dismal. He almost wanted to blame Logan, knowing that if it was his decision this was exactly the weather he would have wanted it. He wouldn't want his friends and family standing out in the rain, getting soaked.
"Kendall honey," his mother said softly, knocking on the door frame of the room he shared with the brains of every plan he had ever concocted since he was five. "We're all getting ready to go, are you ready?" Kendall nodded, turning towards his mother, taking in his mother's appearance, the long dress, she looked ready to go somewhere fancy.
"Mom, you know he asked us to just dress normally, no fancy outfits. He wanted us to act like it was just any other day, nothing special." His mother's face fell when she looked down at herself, but she smiled sadly and nodded, before heading back to her own room. He watched her go silently, before stepping out of the room, catching the eyes of the other boys, who stood awkwardly in the kitchen. He walked over toward the orange couch where he saw Katie sitting there, playing on her game system, trying to block out everyone else. Pulling out one of her ear buds he leaned on the back of the couch beside her. "You don't have to go you know. He wouldn't be upset at you if you wanted to just stay home."
"No, I'm going." That was all she said as she put the ear bud back into her ear, and went back to completely ignoring everyone. Kendall pushed some of her hair behind her ear before giving her shoulder a small squeeze, and walking over to where Carlos and James sat at the kitchen table.
"Hey Kendall," James said, looking over as Kendall grabbed a seat beside him, sitting backwards on the kitchen chair, and resting his arms on the backrest. James smiled when his eye caught a shine of jewelry that hung from around Kendall's neck. "I'm glad you forgot about your 'I don't wear necklaces' rule for him. He was so happy when you started wearing that." He watched as a smile graced Kendall's lips, the first he'd seen that day, as his hand reached up to run his thumb over the small heart and small 'B' that hung from the necklace chain.
"As long as he wears his, I'll be wearing mine," Kendall said, watching James nod smiling, his own necklace with the 'F' standing out against his shirt. Kendall's eyes trailed over to Carlos, seeing the chain around his neck, but seeing that the necklace of 'F' was tucked safely inside his shirt. Kendall remembered the day Logan had gotten them all the necklace, remembering the way he handed them each a letter, keeping an 'E' for himself, yet when he went to give Kendall his, Kendall felt two small necklace charms in his hand. The 'B' that matched everyone else's letter, and a small heart, that Kendall couldn't help but notice matched the heart that Logan wore with his 'E'. Logan didn't even have to ask him to please wear it, because Kendall put it on instantly, reveling in the smile that lit up Logan's face.
"All right boys, lets go, we don't want to be late." Ms. Knight came back out wearing a pair of jeans, and a shirt that Kendall knew was one of her nicer ones, but he decided not to say anything. He knew Logan wouldn't mind that his mother felt that she had to dress up today. Everyone nodded, filing out the door one by one, Kendall being the last of the group, closing the door to the apartment behind him.
The Palm Woods atmosphere was the same as it always was, people were laughing, music was heard, the splashing of the pool continued. Kendall shook his head sadly, Logan was trying too hard to make today as normal as possible for him, but it just wasn't going to work. He tried to block out the normality of everything as he headed out of the Palm Woods and to the car, sliding in behind Katie, who still wasn't looking up from her game. The ride was quiet, no one spoke, everyone was lost in their own minds, and no one wanted to be brought out of it, even once the car had stopped at their destination.
They filed out and into the small building, Kendall once again waiting until everyone was out of the car and walking to the door before he followed. He stopped before going inside and looked up to the bright blue sky above, only one or two bright white clouds to be seen, not one of them looking like they held the rain Kendall wanted.
"Kendall?" James came up behind him, resting his hand on Kendall's shoulder from behind, and Kendall merely shook his head, letting James lead him into the building finally, where soft music was playing, and the air was stuffy, and tension in the air was palpable. As Kendall looked around he noticed quite a few people were dressed up formally, even though the invitation had said specifically to dress casually, and Kendall wondered if it would have been rude to order them to go home and change. There were chairs set up pointing towards a podium in the front of the room, there were pictures everywhere, there were flowers, there were personal items, and Kendall's mind was shutting down. He didn't want to be here, he didn't want to see any of this, he didn't want today to be real.
People were mulling around the room quietly talking to one another, and Kendall couldn't help but hate that the two people who should have been here, hadn't even bothered to come. The two people that he figured would be the ones people wanted to talk to, to comfort, hadn't even cared. They had given money to Kendall's mother and said she knew more about Logan than they did, and wanted her to arrange everything. Though it was probably best that way, because he knew his mother would do things the way Logan had wanted it, and not just the way everyone usually went about it.
"If everyone could please take a seat," he heard his mother say from the podium. James, Carlos and him had taken a seat on one of the couches on the side of the room, and from where he sat he could see that his mothers hands were shaking, no matter how calm and collected she had sounded. "If anyone would like to say something, please just step up here to the podium," She said as she then took a seat near the front of the rows of plastic chairs. Kendall wasn't listening to anyone as they spoke, his eyes were trained on the other side of the room, past the podium, where even from as far away as he was he could see one of the five corkboards they had put up full of pictures of Logan. It was a picture of Logan, he must have been in the middle of laughing, the other three boys making faces around him. Yet all Kendall could see was Logan laughing, and looking like nothing had ever mattered in the world.
"Kendall, don't you want to go speak?" Carlos had pulled Kendall from his thoughts as Kendall looked around, noticing that no one was up at the podium, and people were looking around wondering if anyone else was going to go up. Kendall had in fact prepared something to say, but he was losing his nerve. It wasn't that he was afraid to say what he wanted to in front of these people, but he was trying to believe that none of this was real, and if he went and spoke, he was going to break, he just knew it. He watched as his mother stood up, looking over at him, before standing at the podium, asking if everyone had said their peace.
"You're going to regret it if you don't go up there," James said, giving Kendall a little nudge, and Kendall moved just enough, and suddenly it was like he was on auto pilot, his feet shuffling towards the podium, his mother hugging him before taking her seat again. Kendall swallowed hard, looking down at the small piece of paper in his hand. He took a large shaky breath, trying to ready himself, before he began to speak.
"Logan was the best friend anyone could ever had. He was the best," Kendall coughed a bit, trying to hide any breaks in his voice as he continued. "The best boyfriend, I ever had. I know that anyone who had ever met him was effected in some way, and always for the positive. And I know that even when he's g-gone," Kendall choked a bit, feeling tears spring to his eyes, but he refused to let them flow, as he cleared his throat again. "He'll always be right with us. Logan used to tell me that in some beliefs people were connected to each other by invisible threads, so no matter where one was, they could always find the ones they cared about, and cared about them. I'd like to think that's true, so that we'll all be able to meet up again. So I won't think of this as goodbye, I'll just think of it as a I'll see you later. And that you can catch me up later on everything I've missed." Kendall lowered his head, walking back over to the couch, his eyes and nose burning, wanting so bad to let the tears fall, but he refused.
Carlos and James sat on either side of him, as he took a seat on the couch again, and though James seemed to be in the same boat as him, Carlos had tears streaming down his face. He tried to keep his head down, hoping the helmet would hide the tear stains, but no such luck. James had apparently let a few tears fall as he quickly wiped at them, looking up at the ceiling with a small sniffle in hopes of not letting anymore tears fall.
Kendall watched as people began filing out, and he was being led back out to the car, his body feeling numb as he watched the line of cars head down the road toward their final destination. He looked back up to the sky, seeing that it was still as blue as ever, though a few more clouds had gathered, and he begged and pleaded for it to rain. For the weather outside to let out the downpour in hopes the weather could show how he was feeling, even if he dared not. He could see from the car window the small little tent that seemed to be set up, and watched as the long black car pulled up beside it, opening the trunk, and Kendall's hands shook. He could see the slight brown of the mahogany casket, and in mere moments he was going to be feeling it.
He watched as people piled out of their cars, and was glad for James arm around his shoulder, because he seemed like he was in a constant state of being unaware. When you could see everything that was happening, but you just couldn't pull yourself from your mind long enough to register anything. He was lead over to the back of that black car, as the man came out from the drivers seat, pulling out the front a bit, instructing Kendall and Carlos to the front, Kendall's entire hand shaking as he grabbed hold of the handle. He could hear Carlos choked sobs, and could even hear James' sniffling increase as they held their friend in their hands. His mother standing beside James as she grabbed the fourth and last handle. As they began walking towards the tent, he couldn't help but feel the weight, and he could barely keep himself from being sick to think that his best friend, his lover, his soul mate, was laying in the box he was carrying, about to be buried under six foot of dirt. They walked slowly into the tent, before resting the casket on the small table above the hole in the ground. Standing back from it, he almost had to look away, because it was like he suddenly had xray vision, and he could just picture laying in there, looking just as if he were asleep.
When he finally found himself standing near the back of the tent, he felt small arms wrap around his waist, and felt the small body shake with barely controlled sobs. Leaning down a bit he picked Katie up in his arms, holding her on his hip, something he hadn't done since she was about three, but now was not the time for modesty. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and cried into his shoulder, his own arm wrapping tightly around her, gently stroking her hair, as he leaned his head against hers.
The only sounds to be heard over the man's quiet prayers were the sobs of the people around him, even James was allowing the tears to run freely down his cheeks this time, his arm holding onto the loudly sobbing Carlos, who was clinging to him as if his life depended on it. As the man finished his prayer, he asked that people leave who weren't close family, and Ms. Knight took Katie from his arms, looking up at him.
"Kendall, they're going to put the casket down into the grave. I don't think you boys want to see that, come on," But Kendall merely shook his head, looking right past his mother to the casket. His mother nodded, taking the crying Katie out of the tent and back toward the car, where he could hear her sobs dissipating in the wind.
The man nodded to the three boys who still stood there, before saying a prayer as he began to lower the casket into the ground. Kendall closed his eyes tightly, not sure if he really wanted to see the casket going into the ground, but knowing someone had to be there for Logan. It was almost instant when he closed his eyes, all he could see was Logan awake and terrified inside the casket, banging on the lid, screaming for help. He knew it was all his imagination, but he'd be damned if he didn't try to get over to the casket to open it to check. James grabbed him before he could get there though, wrapping his muscled arms around Kendall's chest, pinning his arms to his side, as Carlos watched on in horror.
"Wait! Stop! Logan! He's alive! Logan!" He kicked against James as the taller muscular boy began to pull him from the tent, the casket finally lowering enough that he could no longer see it. "James! Let me go!" James made no move to release him, merely pulling him back towards the car, tears streaming down all of their faces now. Kendall kicked and screamed for Logan, trying his hardest to get away from James, tears streaming down his face as the tent began getting further and further from his sight. "James please!" He cried, begging his friend to let him go, but James merely held him tighter.
At that moment, it finally began to rain.