A/N: This was an idea that was brainstormed by myself and Miss IvySnowe one night. We were crazy and hyper. Still are, in fact. I figured I could type it up as a birthday present for her, though!! Happy Birthday, Ivy!!!
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. Some stuff is J.K.'s, some stuff belongs to other people. So yeah. Not mine… any of it…. Except the idea…which is mine and Ivy's..
It's all a bunch of fun silliness, really…
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Ronald Weasley stepped out of his Muggle Studies class with a grin on his face. This alone would tell you that this is the start of something very bizarre and very confusing, even for Hogwarts.
"Dean, m'boy! What'd ya think about the lesson?" the redheaded individual asked his classmate. Said classmate groaned and attempted to wipe the drool off of his face. Sleeping through an entire lesson certainly has some less-than-perky side effects.
"I thought it was kind of interesting…" Neville Longbottom piped up.
"Thought what was interesting, Neville?" Hermione Granger asked. She had just joined the group of Gryffindors walking to the Great Hall for lunch. She didn't take Muggle Studies. Instead, she decided to take some sort of "Honors Advanced Complex Arithmancy for the Superior Highly-Developed Genius Mind" or something like that.
"Hermione, it was fantastic!" Ron exclaimed with the vigor he usually saved for conversations about Quidditch or Shepard's Pie, "We learned all about Muggle detectives and private eyes and stuff! It was fantastic! We learned about mmfthllmmmmshlth…" Ronald's rant was cut off by the arrival of the group at the Gryffindor table, which was simultaneously accompanied my Ron stuffing his face with a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich.
As soon as Harry Potter arrived at the table from his "Study Period" a.k.a. "Special Extra Quidditch Practice Happy Time" all Ron's food was forgotten as he went on a rant about the fabulousness of Sherlock Holmes, Dick Tracy, and the Muggle fellow who invented "Law and Order."
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It was a week or so later when Ron's obsession started to worry the Educators of Hogwarts. A staff meeting was called in the office of Headmaster Albus P. W. B. Dumbledore.
"Albus, this is getting entirely out of hand!" Professor McGonagall exclaimed.
"Surprisingly, I agree with the madam of the house-that-shall-not-be-named." Professor Snape, who was still just slightly upset about the results of the previous Gryffindor v. Slytherin Quidditch Match, drawled.
The bearded Headmaster held his hands up to silence the group of teachers who all-at-once spoke their concerns about the youngest Weasley boy. "One at a time, please. Minerva, you first, please."
"You see, sir," the strict Transfiguration Professor spoke up, "I had assigned an extra credit project for the students… Mister Weasley, for his project, has apparently changed the door to the 7th year Gryffindor Boys Dorm." The professor held up a picture revealing that the door to the dorm had, in fact, changed. It was now an old-looking wood door with a frosted window. On the window, in peeling black letters, it read, Ronald B. Weasley, Private Eye… and some other blokes, not private eyes.
Albus nodded his head. "Interesting, indeed. Madam Hooch, what seems to be your encounter with Mister Weasley?"
The flying teacher stepped forward. "Sir, I almost had to kick Mister Weasley off of the Gryffindor Quidditch team yesterday."
"Oh really?" a blue eye twinkled under a raised eyebrow "And, pray tell, how did this come about?"
"He insisted that a trench coat was part of the team uniform. He wouldn't take the blasted thing off!"
"Oh my… and Sybil? Has a similar incident occurred in your classroom?" The headmaster continued.
"Sir! He has charmed all of the crystal balls! I don't know what to do!!" a distraught Divinations professor held up a crystal ball for the headmaster to take. When the older man rubbed the orb, the normal eerie fog appeared inside, but the room was filled with the tune from The Pink Panther, as though the tiny globe was merely a record player.
"Catchy tune that is…" Professor Dumbledore noted. "Filius, what seems to be your trouble?"
The squeaky voice of the Charms Professor spoke up. "I had to give Mister Weasley a zero for the day's lesson two days ago. He would not believe that the correct charm for creating water is Aguamenti, not Go Go Gadget Water!"
"Oh, really? Hmm… And Professor Snape? I believe you are the only one who hasn't voiced a concern…" The headmaster addressed the angry-looking Potions Professor.
"I assigned a four foot essay on Veritaserum. Mister Weasley's essay came back to me with one sentence on it. 'Who needs a bloody truth potion when you've got good interrogation tactics?' "The Potions Professor scoffed.
Professor McGonagall spoke up again. "That wasn't all, Severus…"
"I'd rather not speak about that incident, thank you."
Professor Dumbledore raised an interested eyebrow. "Why don't you share that story with us, Minerva."
"No!" Professor Snape interrupted quickly "I'll say it… if I must… Apparently the Gryffindor Golden Trio of Everlasting Joy thought I was being too hard on them. Mister Potter decided to mutter a phrase that I would rather not repeat right now…"
"I would rather like to know this phrase, Severus." Professor Dumbledore said.
"Potter asked 'What's up Snape's arse, today?'" Professor McGonagall cut in.
"Thank you, Minerva." Professor Snape said through gritted teeth. "So then, today at lunch, Mister Weasley decided to… investigate."
"Headmaster, it was hilarious!" Madam Hooch interrupted. "He just pulls out this huge magnifying glass and just walks up behind Professor Snape and he just…. stuck it right up in ther-"
The entire room, with the exception of the Headmaster and Professor Snape, erupted in laughter at the memory of the incident. Once the laughter had died down, Headmaster Dumbledore spoke again.
"As much as I would like to help, it seems as though I have encouraged Mister Weasley's behavior. I have been losing my socks by the pair and I hired Mister Weasley to investigate these disappearances…"
As if the timing couldn't get any more perfect, there was a sharp rapping at the door. Ronald Weasley stormed in, followed by Neville Longbottom. The latter of the two boys was humming a dramatic tune as the former hung up his trench coat and Sherlock Holmes-style hat. A pipe was in the redhead's mouth and emitted bubbles at every exhale.
"Cut the theme music, Watson." Ron stage-whispered. The dramatic humming stopped suddenly.
"Professor Dumbledore. It seems as though I have found a conclusion to the Mystery of the Dreaded Sock-Napper." the Weasley boy theatrically shouted. He snapped his fingers and a very discouraged-looking Dobby the House Elf stumbled in, carting two large bags of thick wool socks.
"I- I- I is sorry Professor Dummblydore…." The house elf cried.
"It is quite alright, Dobby." The kind headmaster replied. "Thank you very much, Mister Weasley."
"My work here is DONE!" Ron shouted, putting on his trench coat and hat. "More mysteries to solve! Come, Watson!" The redheaded boy tried to drop and roll out of view from the doorway. He succeeded. The only problem was, "out of view from the doorway" also happened to be "down the flight of stairs which could prove to be a bit painful". After a series of crashes a theatrical voice shouted from the bottom of the stairs "Watson! Run! We have a man down! I repeat, MAN DOWN!!!"
Professor McGonagall sighed. "I'll take him to the hospital wing…"
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A/N: I hope we all liked it! Happy Birthday, Ivy!!