once upon a time there was a girl named Sasha Brown. she lived an average life on her farm and was EXTREMELY SOUTHERN (XD). she had light brown hair cascading down her shoulders in soft ringlets. she had an intense jaw bone and could pull of blue steel (zoolander) like it was nothing. her eyes, were hazel and glimmered like a shimmering star. currently she was wearing a puce crop top that said "#FRESH" on it and a pleated long skirt with several puppies crocheted into it. she also wore a dazzling blood red broach that she found in the field one cold afternoon and hadn't taken of since (even to shower and sleep. it was part of her now). one day she was sitting outback drinking a parsley soda when someone pulled up in a mustered yellow G-wagon. a tall boi of approximately 17 stepped out of the gorgeous car. he had dark windswept hair and small round spectacles that slid down the bridge of his nose in the southern heat. he had a jagged lighting bolt scar on his forehead . he wore a designer suit that was made completely out of shrews. he did look quite handsome she had to admit. she was just imagining what their children would look like when a female stepped out from behind him. she looked a bit younger than him and had long flowing red hair. she was wearing a dress paige had seen everywhere online handcrafted by the one and only mugatu. she was fairly sure he used child labourers to make it but that didn't matter. the mystery boi put his arm around a certain red headed lassy. just as Sasha was losing help. the final figure emerged from the G-Wagon.
Sasha spit out her parsley soda.
he was everything she could have ever dreamed of. his white blond hair seemed to be glowing. his superior stature was prominent. he was wearing a tight black sweater and a bright neon green kilt. paige quickly regained her composure and began to hope and pray that she looked presentable .
the boi with the dark hair spoke, "hello, Sasha Brown"
"how do you know my name?" Sasha stammered
"you are known by many in the wizarding world." he declared
"b-but why??" Sasha questioned
"because of that!" he said pointing to her chest.
"my tits?" she said confused but very proud.
"NO!" he scowled, "your broach you dumb prick!"
"oh." she said , somewhat disappointed, "it's a simple mistake i️ suppose. but what's so special with my broach?"
the blond boi spoke up
"we believe that this broach has been infused with a special substance that is crucial to the wizarding world."
he had a soothing voice , Sasha thought.
"what is it? the substance i️ mean?" she inquired
"shreks blood." the redhead stated
"wicked!" Sasha said
"you remind me of someone" the dark haired boi chuckled
"hm. i️ thought shreks blood was green!" Sasha said
"don't be racist you swine!" the redhead girl said
"let me introduce us." the dark haired boi said, "i️ am harry potter, this is the lovely ginny," he gestured towards the redhead, "and this is draco malfoy" he said pointing to the blond one.
oooh draco... Sasha thought... what an edgy name...
"quickly " draco said, "we have to return to the wizarding world!"
"why don't you just take the broach?" Sasha asked
"you'll find that you can't remove it" draco said slowly
"w-w-what" she said in her thick southern accent.
she tried to remove the broach but it wouldn't budge. come to think of it, she'd never actually attempted to remove it.
"but..but i'm just a nobody from south carolina!" she said
"no. you're so much more than that." draco said
Sasha felt a slow blush creep onto her face. she smiled softly.
they got to the wizarding world. it was beautiful. nothing like Sasha's home in south carolina. they brought her a room where they introduced her to a couple people .
clary, jace, hermione, ron, and neville.
she was annoyed that they were all coupled up. harry and ginny, clary and jace, hermione and ron, and neville and the cactus. only draco remained.
"we are the elite. we had to join forces in order to save our worlds!" clary said. Sasha liked her. perhaps they would become friends.
"sounds nifty ! but how?" Sasha said
they all stared at her
"so you're the chosen one" jace drawled ignoring her question.
"NO IM THE CHOSEN ONE!!!" screamed harry.
"give it a break mate, your time was many years ago, let someone else have the spotlight." ron exclaimed. he sounded as if he'd said this many times before.
"ron that was four months ago!" harry said, exasperated.
"shut up will you harry!" hermione said (with obvious affection though).
"we must combine forces to take the broach off" hermione said
"it seems to me as if the broach isn't the only thing being taken off around here." jace cut in, motioning towards neville who was getting busy with the cactus in the corner.
"why do we need him again?" clary asked exasperated
"comic relief" everyone said in unison."
they all used their powers to try to remove the broach but nothing worked
"ugggh" ginny groaned , "nothing will work"
"there's only one other option." draco said, " we must seek out the shrek himself "
"we will embark on our journey in a few short nights " harry said
"meanwhile, everyone will prepare" clary said.
"what about me???"Sasha interjected
"you can bunk with me" draco said
"DONT DO ANYTHING I️ WOULDNT DO" jace yelled.
draco rolled his eyes
everyone left the room except draco and harry. harry gave him a wink.
"gd'luck mate!" as he left the room leaving draco alone.
that night Sasha entered a room and found one large bed, not two.
draco entered.
much much later you could hear her whisper "what a sturdy wand you have draco. is it the 12 inch model?"
over the next few days the two became very close and decided that it was a forever thing.
they soon began their journey to shreks swamp. they walked through mud and fence tangles of vines and roots. Sasha could hear clary talking to jace "do you do math broooooooooo?" she said
Sasha wondered what that was about.
when they had almost completed their trip they bearded a rustling . they froze. a huge lemur jumped out. Sasha screamed
"WAIT NO!" neville screamed
"i️ know her ! that's
Emmmmmmeeelliaaa ! but she goes by Emma ! she got turned into a lemur!"
"how come we don't remember her ?" harry asked
"because you stupid griffindoors don't care about any house but your own " neville said
"oh. " harry said
"don't be rude " ginny exclaimed
neville shrugged and they directed their attention back to Emma
"can she talk?" Sasha asked
"OF COURSE SHE CAN!" neville was annoyed as ever. especially because he had to leave his cactus at home
"okay" Sasha said
they finally got to shreks house
"yo yo yo!!" they yelled
shrek opens the door.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP?!"
"this has to do with the broach" draco said , casting an adoring loo towards Sasha
the rest nodded and ginny exclaims the situation.
"okay. " shrek said "broach girl, come in."
"um okay" Sasha said winking at shrek and hoping no one would notice
they entered the house alone.
shrek said "they isn't any other way to do this"
"oh. you mean ... ooooh" Sasha
said
"but i'm happily married !!"
draco and her had an informant wedding two days ago.
shrek slid the ring off .
"there " he said "you're free"
"oh i️ feel free"
they got busy and the broach slipped off but they didn't notice.
a loud slam came from the roof and a squad of male models burst in!
"THAT BROACH IA OURS" derek shrieked
"WE NEED IT TO SAVE THE MALE MODEL INDUSTRY "
they stabbed shrek 34 times and left
To be continued